First steps after major surgery

[tiniely]

I had surgery earlier this year to remove an ovarian cyst (and my ovary). The entire experience was incredibly scary and it left me with a very large vertical scar that goes above my belly button down to my pubic area. I have recovered and healed but now as I am trying to move on I am finding it hard to open up to people. I've never had a boyfriend but I think I am ready to start dating. I am so afraid that after he sees my scar and hears about what happened he won't be interested.

[Jacob]

Hi tiniely!

I'm glad the healing process is going well.

You know if someone does feel like they can't handle dating someone who recently has had surgery and has scars, then they might not be a great person to date! If that happened, it wouldn't be on you.

That said, whether or not its a scar, many of us have body parts that we are uncomfortable with or are scarred that our future partners won't like them. In my experience though if people have already expressed an interest in us and we are getting on with them, then we are often 100 times more self-critical than they are critical!

[Heather]

I want to add on -- including as a person who has had surgeries starting from when I was a kid and who has many scars from various things, as well as physical disability -- that the idea intimacy is only for people who are physically perfect is easy to pick up on, but is terribly flawed.

For one, almost no one is, if we figure "perfect" means things like that a person has no scars, never gets ill or needs surgery, has every single body part in perfect working order, especially over a lifetime. In other words, that would disqualify just about everyone from intimacy, especially as people are out of childhood.

It also dismisses the important part of intimacy which is that it really is all about being vulnerable, and showing each other the selves we don't show to just anyone, including parts of our bodies or life history we have hard feelings about or feel insecure about. If we don't get a chance to do that with anyone ever -- or they won't let us -- then our relationships probably aren't very intimate at all. They're probably super-on-the-surface.

None of that means you don't get to take whatever time you need to build trust to show them your scars, inside and out. You do: everyone does, and it usually does take time. You get to take that time. So does whoever it is you are intimate with, when it comes to their own things they feel scared about or don't share with just anyone. But I'd say that if you get the idea from anyone you're dating, when you start to date, that you couldn't build that trust with them, don't want to, or they lack the maturity or humanity to handle something as relatively common and benign as a scar (yep, even a big one, and welcome to the club!) and a surgical procedure? Know that's not about something being wrong with you: that's about THEM disqualifying themselves in some way, or you just knowing who is and isn't right for you. Not everyone is just plain old decent, after all. We have to throw some fish back, no matter who we are or what our situation.

Make sense?

[tiniely]

Thank you for your feedback!
It is almost like I am going through a grieving period. I know that probably sounds silly. But since I lost an ovary, it really does change my perspective on things. Going through the whole process with surgery and the possibility of waking up from anesthesia with a hysterectomy at age 23 made me realize that some day I do want to have kids and that is really important to me. But then I start to think, "what guy would want to be with someone that might not be able to have kids." I know that I need to believe that I am worthy of someone else's love. I need to open up to people more rather than shy away and let people get to know me. That is something else I have noticed. I have found myself shying away from opportunities and interactions because of this as well and that is something I am trying to work on.

[Sam W]

Hi tiniely,

I hope you don't mind my chiming in. What you're describing, and what you're feeling, isn't silly at all (and even if it was, you get to feel how you feel about something that directly affected your body). When you have a body part removed, especially one that can carry a lot of personal and social significance (like an ovary), there's going to be an adjustment period and for plenty of people that includes grieving. What you're feeling is completely and totally valid.

I want to address that fear you're having about no guy wanting you because you might not be able to have kids. The social pressure and narratives emphasizing that cisgender women should have children (or at least be able and eager to do so if the opportunity arises) is strong. But it erases the fact that plenty of people, for a variety of reasons, won't be able to have biological children. And that those people still have partners throughout their lives who love them and want to be with them because they see them as a whole person rather than a means to having children. Too, since you say children are something you want in the future, it may help to remember that there are other ways of bringing a child into a family that will likely be available to you. Does that all make sense?

You mention shying away from opportunities and interactions, "because of this." Is the "this" in that sentence the surgery, or something else? And can you give me a sense of what types of things you tend to shy away from?

[Heather]

I'm off today, so just popping in briefly, but as someone who both has a body that lacks the ability to bring pregnancies to term, and who also didn't choose to be a parent in other capacities, I can tell you the answer to this question you posted: "What guy would want to be with someone that might not be able to have kids?"

The answer is, a whole bunch of great guys. And great women. And great people who don't identify as either. I absolutely promise you, that's not a barrier to quality relationships with loving people.

I think my question to something like that would honestly be, "What guy would make that a criteria for who he loved, and why on earth would any of us want to be with an ableist person like that in the first place?"

That all said, it's not uncommon for someone to go through grieving around something like this. It's also okay for you to feel fearful about challenges you may face to becoming a parent if that's something you really want to do. But don't let that get in the way of love in your life. Even in the event your body doesn't make babies, heck, even in the event you change your mind about wanting to parent altogether, the barrier to love relationships around that likely won't be there unless you put it there yourself. And you owe yourself much better treatment than that. <3

[tiniely]

Thank you for your input Sam! Yes, "this" was supposed to mean the whole experience of finding the tumor, not knowing if it was cancer, going through the surgery, recovering from the surgery and dealing with losing an ovary. I tend to shy away from social interactions with people. I am a college graduate student and I live in an apartment complex where a lot of other people from my class live. I walk to and from class and if I see the person that I currently have a crush on, I will purposely avoid catching up to him. It is like I'm afraid to approach him even though I know he is nice and great.

Thank you Heather, I appreciate your comments.

[Sam W]

You're welcome!
Got it, just wanted to make sure I had the right idea before continuing. What you went through sounds like it was, understandably, stressful and has generated a lot of tough emotions for you. And if you're naturally shy, the idea of letting anyone you don't know very well get a peek at those feelings probably seems daunting. It's okay to feel that way! And it's okay to want to get to know someone before opening up to them. When it comes to sharing the tough parts of your life, you get to set the pace.

It does sound like the lack of connections that those feelings are leading to is actually causing you more stress, so it's worth looking at ways to start making more connections. Is that something you'd like to talk about? And can you give me a sense of what your support system looks like right now (friends, family, etc.)?

[tiniely]

Thank you for your response. I am very close with my family. They were with me through the whole process. I have a few close friends that know about the situation as well. Even though I am shy, maybe I need to step out of my comfort zone and try to make more connections with people.

[Sam W]

I'm glad to hear that you've got a handful of people who you trust who supported you through this and can be there for you if you need folks to talk to about some of the tough emotions you've been feeling.

I think finding ways to step outside your comfort zone and meet people is an excellent idea. Would you like to use this space to brainstorm some ways to do that? Too, if it helps to know, I'm someone who was (and still often is) shy and introverted, so I definitely feel you on how daunting trying to make new connections can feel.