Disinterest or Awkwardness?

[mothman]

So I've been hanging out with a coworker outside of work. I like him a lot, which as a biromantic demisexual person does not happen often and has been really nice. However, the few times we've hung out I have had to instigate and do the planning. When we text, he always replies and sometimes we have pretty lovely conversations, but I always have to be the first one to text in order to get anything going.

I was discussing this with my therapist, who said something to the effect of, "You're wonderful, so what's up with him?" I usually first assume there is something wrong with me in any kind of relationship. Realizing that my communication wasn't being reciprocated and that it wasn't something I deserved because I was a bad person was a painful process. It lowered my expectations, which is probably for the best, but I'm unsure of how to proceed.

There is a possibility that he could be romantically interested but maybe is socially awkward or doesn't like to text. But regardless of whether it's platonic or romantic, I can't help but feel hurt that he does not reciprocate my desire to communicate. I'm scared to bring this up. Part of me wonders if maybe the easier path of only talking to him at work and moving on is a better strategy. But I also don't want to be cowardly and avoid a tough conversation because it's tough, but I want to be sure if I do go down that scary path. And yet, are my energies better invested in finding someone whose interest in me is obvious? It's tough.

[Heather]

I wonder if I can't suggest a third way at coming at this, which is that you ask about it, but don't figure it's going to be a tough conversation or that it has to be one.

For instance, you could just pretty casually say something like, "You mind taking a turn with the planning and asking next time we hang?" You may not have to say anything besides that, honestly, and he may well just be like, "Sure!" or "Oh, yeah, I'm not so great at that, so I was glad you were taking the lead."

Honestly, as someone who initiates and plans by nature, in my life I have found that way more people seem to struggle with that than not, and a LOT of people's response to someone who initiates and organizes is to let us do it. I've had to ask more than a few times to get a balance, and I have found that while sometimes that's about someone else not being as excited as I am or as interested, just as often it's been about people just being way more passive.

I'd also suggest not going the route of avoidance just because possible rejection or someone saying they're actually not that interested (though it sure sounds like he is), or figuring that you should ditch this just because of this if you are otherwise really feeling it. Figuring stuff out like this, having awkward conversations, feeling a little nervous...well, this is all just part and parcel of dating, I think, so if you want to be dating, this is just going to be how some of it goes. The good news is, the more practice you get at things like this, the less intimidating and also the easier it becomes.

That all said, if you just know that you really want someone who also initiates and plans and is super-clear from the front about their interest, then maybe this is't something you want to pursue. But I figure if that was the case, you'd probably already be at a pass on this and not asking what you are here, eh?

[mothman]

Honestly, as someone who initiates and plans by nature, in my life I have found that way more people seem to struggle with that than not, and a LOT of people's response to someone who initiates and organizes is to let us do it. I've had to ask more than a few times to get a balance, and I have found that while sometimes that's about someone else not being as excited as I am or as interested, just as often it's been about people just being way more passive.

This makes a TON of sense.

The third option seems very sound. And thank you so much, stuff like this really triggers the shame and self-loathing I'm working through and getting this out of my own head with a fresh perspective is a big relief. <3

[Heather]

Glad to be of help (and to do what I can to keep possibly-good-things from not getting to happen!). Really hope it goes well, feel free to keep me updated!

[mothman]

HEY WHAT'S UP,

turns out he's:

1. moving out of state
2. TO BE WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND, WHO HAD PREVIOUSLY NEVER MENTIONED.

I'm devastated, haha. Wow.

[mothman]

And oh boy here comes the self loathing waterfall. I mean, I’m 27 and I’ve been with one person, six years ago. I feel like a defect. Will I ever get over this shame? WHO KNOWS?

[Heather]

UGH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

Mothman, I am so sorry. That really sucks, and I'm sorry that I obviously didn't see anything like that lurking in the picture just like you didn't.

You're not defective, I promise. This also isn't anything to be ashamed of. If you want to try to change that, I could probably suggest some basic strategies -- like asking a lot of people out, and going on a lot of (probably only) first dates, for instance -- if you'd like. How this is is probably more about what you're not doing than anything you are, and I am pretty certain it is certainly not in any way about you being defective.

[mothman]

First of all I really appreciate your help in this. Though my knee jerk instinct to descend into self loathing has mostly gone away I’m left feeling exhausted and vulnerable.

Between this incident, current events, and already having some physical and mental health issues getting me behind in school, I have a lot to get done while still feeling really raw when all I want to do is sleep it off.

There’s a lot of issues I have with romantic feelings that I think my long term emotional wellness depends on me working out and being brave, but I don’t think that with school it’s something I have time to actively work on.

[Heather]

I'm glad you're not feeling the big self-loathing, but I'm sorry that you're feeling the way you are. I can certainly understand you feeling that way, but I wish you didn't, obviously.

You know best what's right for you and what is a priority for you. I also think it's important to remember that a lot of the time, these kinds of relationships happen when we're not actively looking for them AND so much of our own personal growth that can change how these relationships go for us is stuff we can do, and often DO do, in other areas of our lives.

I think it's fine for you to focus on school regardless, because of course it is. Same goes with recognizing your very human limits. But I also want to make sure you know that that doesn't mean you're NOT doing things you could be to try and find these relationship if and when you want them, because focusing on what's best for you is part of doing that well, if you follow me.

If you want to have someone to listen or talk with about the feelings this has left you with, you know where to find us.