Tales of a 20-year-old virgin

[kai_ros]

Hi everyone! So I am posting here to obviously discuss my virginity. I’m a junior in college and am still a virgin, which I hate! I know people think it’s easy to find someone to have sex with in college but I don’t want my first time to be with someone I don’t know. All of my friends have had sex and I want to, but maybe I should just find someone to get it out of the way with. Advice??

[Arasia]

I think it would not be a good idea, or a good experience, to go and have sex so you have experience like your friends. My advise would be to work on your feelings of self-consciousness about being a virgin. There's a TON of pressure for people to be able to boast "sexual experience" and that makes things tough for those who want to wait for a close emotional relationship before sex.

Personally, I had sex for the first time at age 24. My feelings about it were similar to yours--I didn't want casual sex, I wanted it to be with someone I had a genuine bond and stability with.

I have a friend who didn't have sex until she was in her 30's, for similar reasons. In the mean time she lived an incredibly fulfilling and success-filled life, and her virginity status was a non-issue for her, because she had become very comfortable with who she was and what she really wanted.

It's best to wait to have sex until you're in a situation where you truly desire it and feel safe. And if your desires change, and you want to hook up, that's fine. Just make sure that whenever you have sex, it's because you truly want to--and not because you're feeling pressure to, or struggling with self-confidence.

[kai_ros]

Thank you for your advice! I appreciate it and will definitely think about what you said from now on

[Alice O]

Hi kai_ros,

Welcome to the boards!

I second what Arasia wrote. I'm glad you also found it helpful Thank you Arasia!

In addition to all the great things Arasia shared, I'll add a bit more. I definitely resonate with a lot what you brought up, and I know lots of others do too! A few ideas that may or may not be helpful:

It can feel frustrating when we want something sexually but also know it's something that will take time. Actually I guess that's really true of anything! Not just sexually Anyway, I find sometimes its frustrating to feel powerless and like you're just "waiting," so I like to do things that feel proactive in terms of the thing I want. In this case, some of those things could be: Learning more about your body and what brings you sexual pleasure. Learning more about what your fantasies are and what things you are interested in trying, whether by yourself or with a partner. Learning more about sex and sexuality in general (Scarleteen articles are a great place to start with that!). Also, if you are wanting to get to know people in a more romantic context, setting up some dates could be a good place to start. Do any of those things sound helpful?

Also, I'm wondering, when you say "have sex" do you mean vaginal intercourse? If so, it might help to remind yourself there are so many types of sex and sexual activity. Masturbation, cuddling, kissing, "dry humping," manual sex, oral sex, vaginal sex, anal sex, the list goes on! I think it can help to remind yourself of the ways you are already sexual and have maybe already experienced sexual activity--it helps frame vaginal sex as just another type of being sexual, one you have not yet experienced but will sometime in the future.

This relates to the idea of "process-oriented virginity." There's a great chapter by Hanne Blank in the book Yes Means Yes with that title. One thing that's talked about is how people can view multiple experiences as "losing their virginity." It doesn't necessarily need to be the first-time you have a vaginal intercourse (especially since that definition would exclude a lot of people!), though it also of course fine if that is your definition.

A lot of food for thought here! What resonates for you? Do you have any questions or thoughts?

[thewrit3r]

Hey, 21-year-old virgin here just wanted to add my two cents to show you that it’s not “weird” or “wrong” to be a virgin at any age. And like Alice said it really depends on your definition of virgin. Are you just counting vaginal intercourse? There are a lot of sexual acts that are just as valid and enjoyable as PIV intercourse, but the latter is often prompted as the “only real” kind of sex which is totally not true. Bottom line, though: virginity is a personal opinion and regardless of whether you consider yourself that or not is personal and doesn’t negatively impact you. It’s like if I said I’ve never skydived (which I haven’t!) and other people have. There’s nothing wrong with me for having not done it, I’ve just not experienced it you know?