Hurting for My Sister

[OhHeckDatGurl]

Hey,

I know this isn't exactly what ya'll do, but I'm not sure who else to talk to.

My younger sister, at 15 years old, got put into a mental facility around last month--maybe two months ago. She has been feeling suicidal for a very, very long time, often crying herself to sleep at night and shutting everyone else around her out, refusing to talk about her feelings. My parents felt guilty about this--after I tried to convince them not to, but of course that didn't work--and after they discovered that she had cut herself in the face, they hospitalized her in a "crisis care center", meaning she'd only be in there a week.

For that week, she was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. My mom and dad didn't sleep, worried for her, and I cried that entire week. My boyfriend told me to be strong, so I didn't cry in front of my parents: I don't know if they know that I cried. Why would my sister hate herself so much? Why does she shut everyone out? Why is she hurting? These questions hurt everyone she loves.

When she left, she called and told me she was doing a lot better. Being able to make her laugh, I felt a lot better. I stopped crying. After being isolated as a home school student, she would go to public school, to make friends. She left, oh, on a Friday.

On Sunday, she and my parents were having a fight. Monday morning, my dad told me that my little sister had told him and my mom that she didn't love them, and that she never has. My dad was hurt, but knew that this was just the depression talking, that it wasn't really her. My mother was deeply wounded. I try to call and tell her that I love her, that she's a good mom, and that my sister has an illness--that she really does love her. My mom does not seem to believe me, only feeling grateful when I tell her she's a good mom and that I love her. It hurts that she'd be grateful at that. It hurts that a sentence I had taken for granted--I love you--she'd be so grateful for.

In the meantime, my sister, no longer actively suicidal, wants to move out. She wants to get away from my parents and from school. She wants to see older men, despite everyone's advice to the contrary. Luckily, the man she was trying to get close to fell away from her, knowing that he would get into trouble. She gets into more fights with my dad, saying she doesn't care about him. I call, and she tells me she's so glad that I listen to her, because mom and dad are really not helping her at all. It's not what I wanted to hear. How could she not know how hard mom and dad are trying--how much they love her and are trying their absolute best? Granted, I'm not sure how much I loved my mom and dad either as a child, but growing up, I realized how hard they tried, and I see how much pain they're in, and it hurts.

Last week, she cut herself at school. So my parents drive out of the way, to take her to a small children's home where other people, perhaps more suitable than them, can take care of her. They, in many ways, have acknowledged that they may not be the best for her right now. Right now, I know my mom is doing the necessary paperwork, and took her yesterday to get her vaccines.

She asked the vaccine guy if he'd have sex with her. Being decent, he told my parents about this.

To be honest, I'm not that mad. At least she's looking forward to life enough to want to experience sex. That's a good thing.

I don't know how to feel right now. I live two hours away from my family, going to college, and I'm out of the loop with so much of what's going on. I hope she gets better care. I hope she answers my calls sometimes while she's there. I hope my mom doesn't drive herself crazy and depressed. My mom, by the way, was also diagnosed as Depressed, and had her thyroid taken out because of cancer, so she's prone to distress, moodiness, and a whole host of emotional issues already--and I know that my sister has now dominated her life. I love my mom, and it hurts to know she hurts so bad. I love my sister, and it hurts to know she hurts.

I don't know what to do. Everyone tells me to just be there for my sister, but she doesn't answer my calls, and acts like I'm a nuisance--like I'm an irritating feminist. I just want her to grow old enough to enjoy being loved, whatever that means for her. I just don't want her to die. I don't know if I'm looking for advice or I'm just trying to get this off my chest. My boyfriend has been thoroughly supportive through all this, and has held me through all the tears. Maybe it's especially hard because I'm so open emotionally, and I feel that I can't burden my parents more by letting them know that it pains me, too. I don't know.

Whatever your responses are, thank you, anyone, for at least reading.

[Siân]

hey OhHeckDatGurl,

I'm so sorry that you and your family are going through this right now. It's so awful when the people we love are unwell and maybe don't seem to love or look after themselves the way we wish they could. It sounds like you are doing everything you can to support your family, and I'm glad your boyfriend is there for you.

This is a lot for anyone to be worrying about and dealing with. It seems to me that it might be a good idea for you to get some support for you too. Have you looked into what resources are available through your college? Many colleges have access to e.g. counselling services that might be valuable to you.

I also want to say that it's right and ok to have good days, to have silly fun or deep happiness or big love when all of this is happening in your life and in the lives of people you care about. I hope you're doing some self-care, and planning in time for you or with your friends where you can focus on other parts of your life.

[OhHeckDatGurl]

I mean, I'm mostly doing fine, now that they've figured out where they're going to put her, and knowing she'll likely be ok there. I just wish there was something more for me to do.

I learned this morning that she's asked for sex from older men before this--like from her teacher. I'm glad she wants to be alive, but I don't want her to get hurt from someone who could take advantage of her. Besides all that, she's not even ready to have partnered sex in the first place: she's still dealing with her own issues and emotions, doesn't have high self-esteem to be independent from someone, and isn't even allowed to drive in order to get condoms for herself.

I just want her to be happy. If that's finding someone, getting pregnant at 15, and raising a baby, then sure, if that's what makes her genuinely happy and excited to wake up in the morning. But I suspect that's not it. I'm not sure if I should talk to her about this, or if I do, if she'd even listen. I don't think she's sexually active, but for her own sake I hope she's not, at least right now. At least my parents know about all this.

How do you protect someone who doesn't care about themselves? I know--the answer is that you can't--but that answer hurts, and it sucks, and I hate it. What do I do?

[Heather]

How do you protect someone who doesn't care about themselves? I know--the answer is that you can't--but that answer hurts, and it sucks, and I hate it. What do I do?

In this case, I think you see if you can't ask the help professionals working with them that question.

For sure, you can't so much protect someone the way you're asking, but you can certainly support them in learning how to better protect and care for themselves.

But it's also important for you to take care of yourself. Being in a family when one member is in this level of crisis is really, really hard. All the more so when -- as it just sounds like you can't right now -- you are worried for that person and just can't reach them or have any real impact.

Personally, right now, it sounds like she has the kind of help available and that she likely needs. Maybe some of what you can do is accept that and accept that as much as you want to help her, you just can't right now. You can figure there will probably be a time in her life when you can, if you still want to.

In the meantime, you can take care of yourself, both for your sake, but also for your family's sake, including your sister. But mostly for yours. You matter, and how you are feeling right now is also something that deserves care and notice. <3

[Heather]

I wanted to add that, as someone who often wants to fix things myself, especially when someone else is suffering, I get it. But I'd also add that you might want to make sure you're letting yourself just grieve and feel how you feel; that you're accepting your own fears and feelings and just letting them be, and being in them.

It can be, in my experience, so easy to forget that, or to not see that some of what we probably want to fix -- and stop -- are our own hard feelings, when we might need to instead give them the kind of time, space and priority they are demanding. Being afraid your sister might not survive herself or others to have a real life is awful and sounds terrifying. Having a vulnerable and loved family member struggling with serious mental illness (and just FYI, there may not be a "why" here) is very painful. Seeing loved parents struggling and scared is also terrible. I am sure your feelings are giant. I hope you feel entitled to give them the daylight they need.