I want to have sex, but every time things escalate I get scared?

[Bo]

I’m 17, 18 in January, and I want to have sex. I’ve never been in a relationship before so I have never escalated past making out. I have been linking a boy for the past few months and I would feel comfortable losing my virginity to him, however whenever things start to get a bit hot and heavy, I start to get stressed and it’s almost like my anxiety flares up for no apparent reason. When I’m in the moment, my heart starts racing and my mind goes into hyperdrive so I always back down, but when I think about it, I know I want to have sex, with this boy because I like him, so I guess the final point is that I’m feeling quite conflicted. Could there be a reason why I get so anxious? Is there anything I can do to get past the anxiety? I guess I am afraid that I won’t be good enough because I don’t have a clue what I’m doing. Thank you

[Alice O]

Hi Bo,

Welcome to the boards I'm glad you found us!

Sometimes our bodies know things before our minds are fully aware of it. It sounds like that's what's happening with you right now. In your mind you are feeling ready to have sex with this person, but your body is letting you know you are actually not quite ready by making your mind and heart race, and flooding you with anxiety.

What if you changed "I know I want to have sex with this boy because I like him" to "I want to have sex, and I think I want to have sex with this boy eventually, but I'm not quite ready." Does that sound right? You might be interested to check-out this Scarleteen piece: Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist.

When you say "sex" do you mean vaginal intercourse? If so, it might help to think about all the different types of physical and sexual activity exist. Are there activities that you are doing that feel good and do not make you feel anxious? Or are there things that when you think about trying them feel really exciting rather than scary? That could be making out in one of your beds, "dry humping," manual sex, cuddling--anything! Generally that's a good test for when you are feeling ready to try something--when it feels exciting rather than scary.

I'm also wondering if age is playing a role here. You specified how old you are, and when your birthday is, and I'm wondering if you have any feelings about your age and your amount of sexual experience?

[Bo]

I think you may be right, but part of me wants to get it over with because yes, I do feel like my age affects me because of my complete lack of sexual experience. I know it’s not something I have to lose before a certain age and I don’t feel pressure to either it’s just a personal choice. I have thought over what you said, and I agree that perhaps I am reading my excitement as fear, since there will obviously be a mix of the two for the first time I get physical in any way, but I’m too concentrated on the fear. I have concluded that I’m not afraid of sex itself, I am afraid that when it does happen, I may not react correctly or read a sign, or know what to do and basically be a disappointing partner. I know sex isn’t the most important part of a relationship, nor do I feel pressure from my man to do things before I’m mentally ready, but I know he isn’t a virgin so he will have had better sex . Does that make sense?

[Mo]

I do want to offer a different perspective on the idea that because your partner's had sex before, that it'll mean he's had "better" sex than what the two of you can have right now. What makes for good sex can be kind of hard to pin down, especially since no two people are likely to have the exact same desires and bodies. I honestly think that more than experience, communication is going to be a big factor here. This article does a good job of talking about what makes someone a good sexual partner; I think it may be helpful to give it a look: What Makes Someone Good in Bed?

It sounds like you have some worries about not knowing what to do or what your partner wants, and if you haven't been sexual very much with your partner, and haven't talked a lot about sex and what he enjoys, that's understandable! A huge part of knowing what to do during sex, and what your partner is wanting, comes down to being able to talk with them about it. When you've been sexual in the past, have you been able to talk with each other about what feels good, what you might like to try, and so on? Being able to ask things like "Does this feel good?" "Do you want me to move a bit?" "Can we slow down for just a moment while I get used to this feeling?" is super important when you're first being sexual with someone. Any time you're not sure what a partner is expecting or wanting, it really is ok to ask them.
Sometimes people have this idea that good sex is this instinctive thing that people just know how to do with each other, but it really isn't, especially when people are new to being sexual with each other. It may help to remember that while your boyfriend's had sex with someone else, he's still new to having sex with you; everyone is in a position where they're learning about a partner when they first become sexually active together, no matter how many partners they've had before.