I can’t get over him

[an0maly]

I have this friend at school. It was earlier this year when I realized I liked him as more than a friend after I got through venting to him about another crush I had. When I look back, I feel like I’d always liked him, and the only thing that kept me from unpacking those feelings was confusion about his preferences (He’s pan but seems to have a strong male preference, but not entirely opposed to women. Also polyamorous.). When I realized this, the feelings proceeded to eat me alive. Make me sick.

It got to a point where I couldn’t take it anymore and needed to confess. I was petrified of this because I still wasn’t sure if he was into women, and when I had vented to him about my last crush he almost got the impression that I was talking about him, and expressed relief when I wasn’t. I knew I was doomed from the start. Thankfully, things had gone well. He still rejected me and I nearly burst into tears in front of him, but he insisted we were still friends. It was the kind of exchange that should’ve made me feel better, since I was mostly scared of loosing him.

Sadly though, I still feel far from better. I’ve always had anxiety about texting friends. What if they’re busy? Or working? Or they just don’t wanna talk to people right now?? It’s even worse when you’re afraid of coming off as clingy or needy to a friend you confessed feelings to. One day I was doing some work in a study space, I saw him walk by the door and instantly felt like crying. We’ve hung out a few times since my confession and during those times I feel really happy, but once I leave I either feel like crying or at least deeply sad. Basically, I still like him. I wish I didn’t, but I do. I feel like some kind of creepy pervert. I’m ashamed and disgusted with myself. I could never tell him this because I already did. He said no, why can’t I be fine with this? I don’t want to avoid him, I still want his friendship. The worst part is, from his side of things everything is perfectly fine and I’m doing nothing wrong. But I constantly feel like I’m doing everything wrong around him. How can I get over this and also not loose my friend?

(For the record, I’ve tried looking into online dating to get over him, as most of the time the only thing that can get me over a crush is if I find someone better. I didn’t. Everyone on there felt fake to me and I also happened upon my crush’s profile in the process...)

[Heather]

Oh my goodness, an0moly! I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.

You're not a creepy pervert because you still have strong feelings for someone that doesn't share them. And for the record, I was dating a woman early in the year this year that was also trying the dating-to-get-over-a-crush things as she reported that even with excellent other-options, that didn't do the trick (we were both distracted by someone else, so it was less heartbreaking than it might have been otherwise). That wasn't surprising to me. IME, it's usually more about us just needing time, and sometimes a lot of it. And space.

I hear you in saying you don't actually want to take space, but what if it's what you need? Might you be willing to give it a shot to see if it helps? Or, do you feel like the feelings you have after you see him might just be something you need to experience to come out on the other side of this eventually?

You say you feel like you're constantly doing everything wrong around him. Can you tell me some more about that? Like what?

[an0maly]

Hi Heather. Thank you for the kind words!

For me it’s a little more complicated than just taking some space. Since I’m in college, things get in the way and people are really busy. So I feel like I need to take any chance to see my friends I can get or else I’ll miss out on something or loose touch.

I guess when I say everything wrong I just mean it as a general anxiety around him. I don’t want to come off as flirting or clingy or anything like that. (Even though I am, admittedly a little clingy. Not that I let it show.) I also have this lingering feeling that maybe I could’ve been different all this time? Like maybe if I wasn’t so meek and quiet I would’ve stood a chance somehow? That maybe I could still be less meek and quiet and not always be the friend who talks about feelings all the time? That’s how I feel like I come off. I know people are all like “but that’s how you are” and all that but I genuinely wish I wasn’t that way and think I’d be happier if I wasn’t.

Sorry, that was a lot to unpack there and a little off-topic but it all kinda ties in...

[Heather]

Well, one thing I'd suggest is that you try to let go of some of that fear of missing out. If it's not a good thing for you to see this person, or you really need some space, what you might actually be missing out on is the space you need so that you CAN get back to this friendship being something positive for you, you know?

I think the idea that if you were different things could have gone differently is a trap, personally. I mean, sure, if you were a different person than you actually are, maybe he would be interested in whoever that is in this way. Or maybe not. But it doesn't really matter, because you are who you are and who you are ideally shouldn't be dependent on someone's romantic or sexual interest. Who you are is also okay, even when that person is struggling, or even in ways you might consider flawed. Personally, I'm here for who is into you for exactly who you are, and think you're way more likely to actually have a good sexual or romantic thing than with someone who isn't into you as you are. Know what I mean?

Now, if YOU feel like YOU would enjoy yourself and your life better if there are some actual changes you can make to how you are socially, then by all means, go for it. For instance, it sounds like some of your shyness or quiet is about social anxiety, and that's likely something you can do some work on and decrease. If being quiet is about introversion for you, it might be helpful to read up some more on that and how to make it work for you socially so it doesn't have to feel like an impediment, or like that part of who you are keeps you from things the rest of who you are wants. Does that make sense?

[an0maly]

I never said it wasn’t a good thing for me to see him, I’m happy when I see him, in fact I wish we were closer even if not romantically. I just don’t want to feel sad afterwards. I want things to be normal, as if I never liked him that way in the first place. (Which is how things are from his end, this is really just a Me thing) And I don’t want to have to take space for myself in order to get there.

I don’t think I’m introverted, I’d say I’m more ambiverted. Like, I prefer being with a group of friends over being alone even when I have nothing to say. Their presence alone makes me feel good. I don’t see anything wrong with wanting to change my personality for myself AND others. People are a major motivation in my life and that’s ok. Maybe no one else should take that advice exept for me...

[Heather]

I'm not quite sure what to say about the idea of changing your personality for other people in this way, especially since what you expressed was about a change you wanted expressly with the notion of getting a certain person's romantic or sexual interested. Except, I guess, that I disagree that that's often healthy or particularly self-affirming, particularly in this kind of context (rather than, say, someone learning how to manage their anger for themselves and others, as one example). But I'm not sure our disagreement on this is all that pertinent since you are who you are and even if you were able to radically change in that way, this person still very well might not be interested in you in the way you want them to be.

Obviously, turning back time just isn't an option here. And I'm not sure that what you want is going to be possible without taking some time and space, but let's still see if there are some alternatives you might like better.

Can you give me an idea of how long it's been since you told him about the feelings you have?

[an0maly]

No, that’s just always been a thing I’ve thought about. Even before him, and I didn’t say I wanted to change myself for him. Only as a way to feel closer to friends in general. I never liked that saying, “you are whoyou are”, it implies a lack of control. It’s fine if he’s not interested in me. I just want to be a normal, close, platonic, outgoing friend to him.

It’s been about a month and a half. Why?

[Heather]

Well, we don't have complete control over who we are, we really don't, but I feel you. We have all the control over some things, no control over others, and some over some. For sure, if you wanted to work on being less shy and more assertive, that's one of those some-over-some situations.

I asked how long it has been just to get a sense of if time -- all by itself, just time -- had really had a chance to do what it can do when it comes to this stuff. And I'd say that that's still super-recent, especially if you still see each other often, so the good news is that even just letting more time pass might do a lot.

When you have those hard feelings after you hang out, can you bear them? I ask that because honestly, just going through those hard feelings again and again might wear you out on them in time. Like, at some point, you will probably be like, "Self, I am sick of feeling this way, this is my friend who I like and want to have be part of my life, it's time for us to just be over this," and have it stick. But if you feel like these feelings are unbearable, obviously that's not a great option.

[an0maly]

I’ll just suck it up if it means staying friends. Thank you.

[Heather]

Well, or instead of just sucking it up you can just do some extra self-care, but sure.