I Miss Sex!

[OhHeckDatGurl]

Hello,

So... this one might take a while to explain.

To start with, I've always been very interested in BDSM, way before I started having partnered sex. Once I got into my first relationship, we experimented with lots of things--and it all felt good and new, and exciting. And sometimes, yeah, it became routine to an extent, but it also gave me orgasms, and made me feel good. I liked playing the "I'm just a sex toy for you" game, even though I probably got more out of it than he did. And even while we were playing rough and pushing my limits, I always felt really loved. I was glad to share that side of me with someone--to have fun, to know it was just play, to be called slut and then to be held afterward. It all made me feel not just good sexually, but it strengthened our relationship because it strengthened our trust with one another.

A few months ago, my sister got admitted into a mental health hospital.

She's in there because she's hypersexual. She's never had sex, but claims she's definetely ready, even as she holds unrealistic and unhealthy views on it. She so badly wants to be someone's object--to be a housewife with no future, she says--to love someone more than she loves herself. We've tried to tell her that's not what healthy relationships are really like, that you have to be a whole person before you can really love someone else, and she basically thinks we're full of shit. And there's been a lot of crying in the family for her, and I call my mom every day (I've always called my mom every day) just to hear her depressed about how my little sister's still obsessive, stalkerish, and bound to get herself into trouble as she seeks to become somebody's object.

And so, it just so happens that not-coincidentally, a few months ago, me and my boyfriend were playing the "just a sex toy" game. And in the middle of it I started to cry. And it wasn't a silent, solemn, tears-streaking-down-my-cheeks-like-what-happens-in-the-movies kind of cry. I was wailing. Snotty. I wanted to throw something. I wanted to hide somewhere. A porn was in the background and she was being objectified, and suddenly it just repulsed me, even though I don't usually have a problem with porn at all.

Now. I know there's a difference. I know what I was doing was consensual, between two people who understand it's all fantasy and play, who communicate well, who take time to do aftercare, and that I, at the end of the day, know that I am a person who deserves respect, not a sex toy. I know that that's a world of difference between actually believing that I was--that two people who can handle the possible risks of sex is a lot different than two people who can't. That what I was doing, logically, doesn't have a real connection to my sister.

But. It still hurt me to do it. It was my favorite type of sex. It gave me a high and arousal like no other, and now it hurts and repulses me.

And so we tried to find other forms of sex that worked. And naked kisses feel nice, and being close to my boyfriend feels nice, and I enjoy it a lot. I enjoy it even in the midst of BDSM sex. But, in other ways, it bores me a little bit, and I want something more, and naked, gentle kisses are not "doing it" for me.

And so, gradually, we've had less and less sex. Been less and less passionate about sex. And what sucks is that all the porn that I used to love is the "I'm a sex toy" type porn, and it bores me senseless to masturbate without porn, so now I don't masturbate like I used to.

I miss sex. We've tried other things. "Tickle sex" seemed to work, at least to some extent, but I'm not sure how to keep that exciting all the time. I missed the feeling of submission, and I miss all the feelings of warmth and love I got with it. But it's hard to separate it from whatever new thing my sister said the other day, and it's hard to want sex.

What should I do? I need help. I miss sex. Any suggestions?

[Sam W]

Hi OhHeckDatGurl,

It sounds like a lot of stressful, heavy things are piling on top of each other and I'm sorry you're dealing with it. First off, have you and/or your family gotten any support in the wake of your sister being hospitalized? It sounds like this is, understandably, having ripple effects through the family, and having some support around it may help you feel a bit better in general.

It's certainly makes sense that, given what's been going on with your sister, certain kinds of sex might suddenly feel very upsetting. Even if you understand on an intellectual level the difference between negotiated, consensual activities and unhealthy ones, understanding it on an emotional level can be a very different process. Since it sounds like you and your partner have been experimenting with different types of sex, have the two of you taken time to talk about what elements of the "just a sex" toy appealed to each of you and how you could recreate those in other ways? For instance, there are lots of ways for someone to be "submissive" during sex that could spark similar feelings for you.