How to work on trust issues in a relationship?

[Tassha1223]

Dear scarleteen, some time ago my bf did a despicable thing and cheated on me. After thinking about it for a few months, I decided to forgive him. 2 years have passed since that moment and yet though he does not do anything wrong, I cant seem to trust him. I asked him to stop going to parties for thats the place he cheated. He said he completely understands and does not go. But I still feel unsafe and hurt and borderline personality disorder doesnt help with it. He has changed and grew so much but i cant. Any advice?

[Sam W]

Hi Tassha,

I'm sorry you're still feeling hurt from all this. When there's been a big breach of trust in a relationship, it can be hard to recover from that. It sounds like it may help to ask yourself two questions. First, what would need to happen for you to start trusting him again? And second, are there things he's doing that are making you feel like you can't trust him, or is it solely the memory of him cheating that's causing those feelings?

Too, while I understand the impulse, it's actually not great to forbid him to go to parties. Controlling a partners behavior, even if it's coming from a place of hurt, doesn't set a good baseline in the relationship. And it is a sign that the issues around trust in the relationship need some serious adjusting, or that the relationship may need to end entirely.

[Tassha1223]

well, initially he is the one who suggested no longer going to parties. And I made sure I was clear that I may never be ok with them just to make sure I am not controlling him, I told him he can leave if it's not ok with him and every once in a while I make sure he is still ok with certain boundaries. He still gets to be with his friends till 3 am and drink alcohol, it's just a smaller group of friends and smaller amounts of alcohol. I think it is fair and I make sure he thinks so too. After what he did he didn't act badly in any way reminding me of it, on the contrary, he completely changed! So how come I can't move on so easily as I would like to? I don't
want to breakup, he is my first boyfriend and its been 2 years since the incident. What can I do?

[Sam W]

Got it, thank you for clarifying that a bit more.

If you're trying to figure out how to move past that distrust, a starting place may be to take some time to sit and think about where it's coming from something in addition to him having cheated. For example, is it coming from from beliefs like, "once a cheater, always a cheater?" Worries about somehow not being enough for him and thinking that means he'll cheat again? Something else entirely?

Too, can you give me a sense of what you think you'd need in order to feel comfortable in the relationships, or to help you move on from that initial sense of betrayal?

[Tassha1223]

Honestly, I think that if someone is capable of cheating, that means it must be deep within them. As in you can't see it on a daily basis, but you can when for example there is too much alcohol. You never really know if it was the alcohol or the actual personality coming out..
I think the reason I am so hurt by this is that back then I was having really quite some mental issues regarding my diagnose of BPD. I felt like I had no one, my family hasn't always been there for me and I always thought well I don't need them because I was so certain that he wouldn't hurt me as they did. 3 days after my birthday he cheated and I didn't find out from him. Honestly, I know it's not ok for me to want this but what would make feel safer at least for the time being is if alcohol was out of the picture and maybe him not avoiding this topic each time I mention anything. I always asked him for a reason to why he'd do this to me because we were in a really good place back then and I just can't grasp it. Recently, I found out that after the cheating, about 1/2 days when I already knew, he asked her if he "performed well". I think that was the worst part of it all. I think that recent finding is the thing that triggered my panic attacks and trust issues. When I asked why he'd ever say that he said he doesn't remember but probably to "break the ice". I don't how to feel about this to this day.

[Sam W]

Okay, so it sounds like there are a few different things going on here.

What you're expressing is actually a really common belief: that if someone cheats once, they're likely to cheat again. The tricky thing is that this is not as universally true as people think. Yes, some folks are serial cheaters. But others do it once, realize that it's a cruddy thing to do, and make the choices that mean they don't do it again. And while alcohol can remove impulse control, it can't make our decisions for us. Does that make sense?

Can you also me a sense of "this topic" is that he avoids? Is it drinking, or is it you asking him what lead to the cheating. Too, when you got back together, what was the discussion like about how to relationship could move forward after that betrayal of trust?

You also mention this situation seems to be not playing nice with your BPD. If you're currently seeing a mental healthcare provider, have you brought these feelings up with them?

[Tassha1223]

My boyfriend avoids the topic of cheating. And somehow I feel like that belief may apply to him because a few months before he tried to kiss a girl. It didn't work but only because she rejected him.

But since he told me about it, I still trusted him and let him go to parties. That is when the actual cheating happened and I decided I won't tolerate the parties anymore. When we got back together we had a very long talk about what to do. He cried and said that he hates himself and wants me to be happy so if leaving is what will make me happy he will do that. Sometimes, out of the blue, he asks me if I am happy and sometimes I catch him either crying or angry. When I ask why he responds that he is so very sorry for what he did.

We decided that in order to move forward we need to be more honest, and he needs to give me time. He has been doing that, I also made him do a full STD test to make sure he did not put me in danger in any way. From what I know, he completely cut off contact with the girl and they agreed to never speak to one another. He also said he will no longer drink more than a few beers and will not go to parties and that if I am ever uncomfortable with something, we will try compromise in order to both be happy. When he does go out he initiates contact with me to make me feel more secure.

When it comes to my BPD, unfortunately ever since I moved from the U.S. to Europe I feel like healthcare providers don't take me seriously until its too late. For a very long time, my therapist thought I was exaggerating, that it was just teen problems and not actual serious things. It was until my mom left me alone for the day and I had the biggest panic and rage attack that they even considered taking me to a hospital. Other than talking to me I don't have any other treatment because they are afraid my physical health will be worse with any type of anti depressants.

[Sam W]

It sounds like it might be helpful to take a look at this article and see if the advice in it is something you can apply to your relationship (the question is framed around trust after being sexually abused, but the advice goes in-depth on the components needed to feel trust in a relationship, which might help you out): http://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse ... _trust_him .

Are you still seeing the same therapist who thought you were exaggerating? Or have switched to someone else (or to no one at all)?