My Partner said something that made me feel worried about her

[DArwin]

Hello
My partner told me when they kinda of got mad at me and exploded and told me that they love me more than god. I asked them if they really meant that and they said yes. Is this a problem Should I be worried?

[Heather]

If you're asking about what they said, I think that everyone gets to love who and what in various ways and degrees, and that there's no "right" hierarchies of love. For example, if someone feels more love for a friend or partner than they do for a religious deity or belief, I don't think that suggests a problem. Same would go for if someone felt more love for a pet than for a parent.

What are you feeling concerned about with this statement?

In terms of the anger that brought it about, how are you feeling about that? Couples fight, obviously, but did this feel like a healthy fight, or more like someone lashing out in anger in a hurtful, manipulative or otherwise unhealthy way?

[DArwin]

What is a healthy fight? Compared to lashing out in anger?
I feel like I pushed her away from her religion but I don't know how. I guess, but I always ask if I did or do or make her feel uncomfortable with her beliefs and the answer I get is "No you don't". I also feel like I am going to let her down and am I am not going to be there for her when she needs me.

[Heather]

Healthy fights don't usually involve lashing out. They look more like this: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/relat ... ion_basics

Basically, like people voicing conflict or disagreement or hard/hurt feelings with thoughtfulness and care: with careful intention, if that makes sense. "Lashing out" suggests someone isn't really working on controlling their words or actions, they're just...well, like you said, exploding.

I feel like I don't know enough about her religion and what you say about pushing her away from it to say more. Same goes with you worrying you won't be there for her. Can you say some more about both of those things so I have a better sense of their context?

[DArwin]

There a protestant. She knows that I'm an atheist and sometimes I get annoyed by church stuff. And that I hate going to church

[DArwin]

I feel like she did explode and that made me less mad and felt very sad for making her feel that way. I try to comfort her and apologized. Then we talked about how to not get mad at each other

[Heather]

Okay. So, what I'm hearing sounds like you are concerned that because you're atheist, don't agree with/are upset by church stuff and hate going to church, that may make her feel pulled from her religion and what she wants and likes when it comes to religion and church.

If I have that right, is that something you've been able to talk about together, including what you can do for each other with this kind of difference? For example, what can you do to assure that she feels supported in her beliefs and in going to church if and when that's what she wants? What can she do to support you in your beliefs and in your feelings? How can you both feel and think the way you do without the other feeling stepped on?

Mind, I don't know if she chooses to be Protestant and go to church because that's what she wants and believes or if it's been because of what her family wants and believes. It's pretty common for young people to pull away from religions they grew up with or to change their beliefs as they develop simply because they're different people than their parents. In other words, it may be -- or may also be -- that she's pulling away from that not because of (or just because of) you, but because of her own changing feelings or development.

In terms of the fight, you're not responsible for someone not controlling their anger. That's on them. But it sounds like you two did a good job doing what you can do after this kind of thing: talking it out, including talking about how both of you (I hope, not just you) can still get or feel made at each other, which will happen, but if and when you do, process or express it in healthy ways.

[DArwin]

I thinks he already know ways to not get mad I will ask

[DArwin]

I have ask her is if she is ok with me being an atheist and she doesn't seem bothered by it

[DArwin]

I feel like I'm concerned because I know for in her belief system that you are supposed to love God above all else. Honestly, it made me happy when she told me she loves me more than god, but I just fear that it's not normal or is unhealthy for her specifically, although I don't know for sure. If it is I have no problems with what she said and it makes me very happy

[DArwin]

part of her anger is my fault for how I reacted when she is going to spend the night a church thing and I got mad before I knew all the information so that is my fault
.

[Heather]

You know, I feel like you're maybe being a little micromanaging here. I don't think it's for you to worry about her love for what/who she believes is God. I think that's something for only her to have concern about, because it's her belief system, and she also gets to do that system in the way SHE feels and believes. I don't think that this is something it makes sense for you to concern yourself with if she isn't voicing concern about it herself.

On the other hand, in the event you're doing things like getting angry at her for attending church events she wants to (with or without the information) and/or doing anything to try and control her own participation in her religion, then for sure, that's something you'll need to change to be a good partner. Make sense?

[DArwin]

Yes

[DArwin]

thank you

[Heather]

You're welcome. Can I help you any more with this, or anything else today?

[DArwin]

Is it not ok to want to know details about specific things your partner is doing, especially if they staying the night somewhere?

[Heather]

Sure it is, though without knowing the context here, I can't say what was or wasn't okay in this situation. For instance, if we want to know the details about things our partners are doing because we need to coordinate with them logistically (like what time they're leaving a place so we can pick them up then), or we want to know just because we're curious and enjoy knowing about their lives, that's fine.

If we want to know to control them in any way, however, or to keep tabs on them, then that's not so okay. And if we *require* them to tell us everything we want to know about plans they're making, rather than making it a choice, that's not okay. If we are asking for that information about plans because we feel they can only do things we approve of, in many situations that also isn't okay.

[DArwin]

well, what do you do if your partner does something you don't approve of?

[DArwin]

I just want to make sure she isn't doing something where she can cheat on me

[Heather]

So, that's controlling, then, what you're describing. Trying to control where your partner goes and keep them from being anywhere where they could do something you don't want them to isn't okay. Very specifically, people trying to control where partners go out of insecurity around fidelity is actually pretty common controlling behavior in abusive relationships, so if you are finding yourself heading that way, you should TURN ALL THE WAY AROUND. Okay? Seriously.

If you don't trust your partner, the answer isn't to try and control where they go. It's to work on building trust together and doing whatever you need to do if you have any of your own trust issues (like a lot of people do).

What you do when your partner does something you don't approve of is accept that they are a different person than you, so that's going to happen sometimes. In healthy relationships, we accept one another, but we don;'t have to get or have approval from one another about everything.

[DArwin]

how do I turn around?

[DArwin]

I don't think I try to restrict where she goes. At least, I think I'm trying to get better at it. I just try to find out more information to make it less scary to me from her. Does that make sense? Is it ok

[DArwin]

I feel like I just want to be comfortable with what she is doing and I do that by seeking information about that thing?

[Jacob]

Hi DArwin,

I am reading your previous comment when you said "I just want to make sure she isn't doing something where she can cheat on me". Even if it's just seeking extra reassuring information for yourself, it is still controlling... It isn't really good for anyone to feel constantly watched.

I think the main way to turn around is to allow yourself to feel uncomfortable and scared.

If we experience those feelings we can get to handle them better. However if we ask other people to give us extra reassurance or change their behaviour, we never have to learn how to handle discomfort... and make us even more dependent on getting other people do what we want them to do. Which is extremely detrimental to their well-being.

[DArwin]

How long is it supposed to stay?