Lack of comfort

[pianolover]

Hello, [/color
Lately I've been having a hard time with my body image. Recently I felt so vulnerable in my body with all of the people around me. I feel afraid to be myself or to have a sexual self.

[Heather]

Hey again, Lostand_found:

Is what you're bringing up here about how things are at home for you again, or are you talking about something bigger than that? Either way, can you say some more about all of this so I have a little more information to work with?

[pianolover]

It probably relates to how I feel at home. I feel uncomfortable and not enough when around a large group of people. I'm in theater and these past few nights we've had shows and i'm mainly surrounded my older folks. I feel uncomfortable to be myself around them. One of my friends changed in front of everyone in the dressing room and I couldn't find myself changing in front of everyone so I went out into the bathroom.

[Alice M]

Hi there.

I'm understanding that you're feeling vulnerable and maybe self-conscious in your body and life. I'd like to point out that I know plenty of people, theatre and dance kids even, who do not feel comfortable changing in front of everyone. You took care of yourself by going to the bathroom to change, and that is okay and great. It's also okay that some people do feel comfortable changing in front of everyone.

What are some of your favorite things about yourself? About your personality or your body? If you can't think of anything, what is something that you like about yourself or like about something you do or have done?

[pianolover]

Thank you
Favorite things about myself is that I can sing and play the piano. I'm respectful and kind. My body is unique and has its on shape.When I look through old things I've written or done it reminds me of how much I've learned and how far I've come.

[Siân]

Hey Lostand_found,

Those are some pretty wonderful things to know about yourself. I especially love the last one - being able to recognise how far you've come is really important, and you should congratulate yourself. I also find that looking back and being able to see progress makes me feel more able to keep moving forward - like I've done it before, I can do it again. How about you?

Do you want to talk a little more about that fear of being fully yourself? Where do you think that might come from?

[pianolover]

Thank you.
I think the fear of being myself is related to me being by myself a lot. I'm an independent study student and spend a lot of the time alone. Its easy to be myself when its just me but when others are around I panic and leave and isolate myself. I also don't get much support at home and I get judged or laughed at by my mom and sister. I don't feel appreciated from them. I feel like its not safe to be me because I've been hurt a lot by people close to me in my life.

[Sam W]

If you spend a lot of time by yourself, it can definitely feel overwhelming or uncomfortable to be in a large group. And when you combine that with the fact that the people you are often around, your mom and your sister for instance, are very judgemental and mock you it's completely understandable that your brain would decide that being yourself around other people isn't a safe thing to do.

Other than theater, are there other things in your life that give you the chance to interact with new people or meet people in large groups? Even when you're in independent study, there are ways to meet with peers and find more spaces where you can safely be yourself. And are there people in your life who you do feel appreciate you?

Since we touched on it in a previous thread, how is the search for mental health services going? Have you connected with any of them yet?

[pianolover]

Yeah kind of, I go to school once a week and there are volunteer opportunities. In a week or two I'll be going to see someone for counseling, a interview to see if i'm eligible for their services.

[Sam W]

Do you feel like there are ways you could spend more time out and about, or in the company of friends, so that you're not surrounded by the negativity of your family as often?

Awesome news on the counseling appointment! Would it be helpful for you to have some tools about how to talk with a counselor about what's going on, as well as make sure they're services are a good fit for you?

I want to circle back to the topic you introduced at the start of the thread. It sounds like you think some of your feelings about your body are tied to how things are at home. Is your body or appearance a target of your mom and sister? Or is it more that you're in a physical space where you don't feel safe (and haven't been safe from people violating your boundaries in the part) and your body feels extremely vulnerable because of that? Or something else entirely?

[pianolover]

Yes, I'd love some tips.
And I think I might check out my local radio station and volunteer there!
I think that it doesn't have much to do with my mom and sister. But feeling judged and not appreciated by them triggers certain emotions and thoughts for me. I feel like it has to do with the way I've been treated by people close to me, people that are supposed to be role models like doctors,teachers,parents,friends, and etc.

[Sam W]

Okay! I great starting place is this article, which gives you tips on how to evaluate a therapist as well as how to have certain conversations with them: Process This: Getting the Most Out of Therapy

With how other people have, and do, treat you, am I hearing you right in that you feel like you've faced a lot of judgment? Is that judgment about a few specific things, or does it seem to be directed at all parts of your life?

[pianolover]

Mostly feel judged on what I do or how I look. And I also feel shame for being different. For not being like my mom or sister. They are violent and say rude things to each other and about others and I don't like that. My mom brings a knife with her whenever we go to see a new person like every person we know will hurt us and it makes me mad. Because I never feel safe around her. She used abuse us and is still emotionally abusive and toxic and it makes me upset that she acts like the whole world will hurt us.

[Alice M]

Hi again, Lostand_found,

That sounds like a tough position to be in at home. I'm happy that you have the opportunity to receive some counseling, I imagine that could be really helpful.

I can relate to feeling different -- I am a lot different than my mother and my sisters, and it can be hard when you feel shame just for being yourself. One thing I learned is that I'm not alone in that. Both of my sisters expressed feeling "different" too. I believe this is a common feeling to have, especially as we grow up. I'm hearing you identify ways that you don't want to be in the world, and I think that's helpful for you to do. While we can't control the behavior of others, we can set boundaries for ourselves and try to function in ways that promote our values.

[pianolover]

Thank you

[Sam W]

Hi Lostand_found,

Living in an abusive household can influence how you view yourself and how you perceive the rest of the world viewing you in a lot of different ways, and it's likely playing a big role in most of the issues you've talked with us about here. When you see the counselor, that environment at home is definitely something to mention. Do you feel like you know how to bring that up in conversation?

You mention your mom used to be physically abusive. How long ago did that stop?

It sounds like the best thing you can do for yourself is eventually get out of this living situation. Is that something you've thought about doing, or are planning on doing? Or does it feel out of reach?

[pianolover]

No, I never know how to bring abuse up but I usually do anyways. I bring it up directly sometimes I forget about it because there is so much stuff happening. Also now that I'm not being abused physically anymore, its easier to forget about it. It was a few years ago she stopped laying her hands on me and my sister. I plan on leaving. I have a few months left of school and that was all I promised to myself. I don't plan on staying any longer. Its hard though because I care about my mom and sister. I care about my mom but I also feel unsafe and most of the time horrible around her

[Sam W]

Okay, so it might be helpful to figure out how you're going to mention that topic when you see a therapist. During initial sessions, therapists generally ask why you're seeking treatment, so that's one potential opening. You could include a description of your home life as one of the reasons why you're looking for support or say something like, "my mom is emotionally abusive and, up until a few years ago, was physucally abusive as well". Does that feel like something you could plan on doing?

Making the choice to leave is ultimately the best call in caring for yourself and getting yourself somewhere safe, and even getting to the point where you're ready to take that step shows a lot of strength on your part. Do you feel like you have a specific plan for how you'll get out, like where you'll live and how you'll support yourself? If not, we can help you find some tools and resources to make that kind of plan.

That feeling you're describing, where you care about your mom and sister but know you have to get out all the same is a really common one for folks who are dealing with, or who survived, abusive situations. You can care about and even love someone who makes the choice to hurt you, but you still get to prioritize your safety.

[pianolover]

Thank you, I plan on going to the army after high school. I've been wanting to get out since everything has started and now that i'm taking the steps of growing up, its been nice. nice to finally have space and freedom. To choose how I want to live my life and break from all of this bull.

[Sam W]

It sounds like you have a solid plan, and can use the fact that you'll be getting out of your home fairly soon as something to look forward to and keep you going.

In the meantime, how are the plans to spend as little time around home as possible going? Have you had a chance to connect with the radio station?

[pianolover]

I haven't made any concrete plans with my local radio station. There are open on the weekdays and I can go and volunteer. Sometimes I can get caught up in my head and forget that there is an outside.

[Jacob]

Hi Lostand_found,

"Getting caught up in my head" is my middle name. But I guess sometimes we just need a reminder or a nudge in the right direction.

As you bought up the station, I've added another reply on your other thread here: http://www.scarleteen.com/bb/viewtopic.php?f=17&t=8739