Confused

[Breeze1892]

I've got a female classmate in uni who I really like and we always hang out together. Recently told her how I felt. Haven't gotten an answer and it seems I'm still on hold.

Seems like ever since I told her how I felt she's been avoiding me. Everytime we text each other, I either become shy, tried making the conversations longer but most times I always run out things to say which is really annoying as I want to know everything about her or she decides to make the conversation boring and stops it abruptly which is really frustrating.

I haven't tried telling her how I feel since it's really confusing and I still want to be her friend but it seems like I'm not helping matters and she's trying to shut me out.

Got 2 questions. 1)Advice on making convos longer and 2)Should I tell her that she seems to be backing out?.

Thanks.(Sorry it's long)

[Sam W]

Hi Breeze,

So, to clarify, you mean that you have romantic feelings for her and you recently told her about them? If that's the case, my guess is that she knows she is making conversation shorter and avoiding you, and that she's doing it intentionally. It may be that she needs some time to think about what you said and decide how she feels about it, or that she is not entirely comfortable with your feelings towards her and thus is trying to not see/talk to you as much. Of course, she is the one who can explain her actions, not us. But, given how you're describing her behavior, I think giving her more space would be sound.

[Breeze1892]

Thanks. I've done that already. Haven't texted or called in 3 days. Just wish she told me how she feels. Been kept in the dark is frustrating.

[Sam W]

Hi Breeze,

You're right that losing contact with someone whose company we enjoy can be frustrating. But, you've made you feelings known, and that's all you can do. I think it might be a good plan to find some things to focus on or enjoy to keep your mind off of this.

[Breeze1892]

Thanks again. Tried avoiding her in class today and it was really hard because we had 3 classes together. Just wanted to know if I should confront her or just forget about her and maybe not even talk to her again?.

[Heather]

You know, I personally think it would be okay to ask if you can talk to her, and to tell her that since you put that out there, you've felt pretty lost and uncertain about things. I think it's okay to ask her if it is something she wants to talk about with you, whatever she has to say about it, and if it isn't, to ask how she'd like to move forward from here.

Sometimes, when two people are feeling awkward about something together, it can become a sort of stalemate, where one is waiting for the other to break the ice. I think it's okay to ask her if she'd like to take a turn addressing this, so long as if she says no, you know that then, for sure, it's just something you need to figure out how to let go of.

In terms of never talking to her again, it sounded to me in your first post like this is someone you value and want as a friend, regardless. Do I have that right? If so, that's also something you can tell her and see where she goes from there.

Btw, this is all pretty big stuff, so I'd say texting isn't the medium for this kind of conversation. Again, I'd suggest you ask if she'd be up to talking with you in person. Text really isn't a great tool for long or delicate conversations, period, it's really best for quick notes without a whole lot in them.

[Breeze1892]

Thanks. Like you said I still want to be friends with her and hope she wants to too. Might try asking her about it tomorrow.

Hoping for the best. Gonna be hard but I'm certainly going to take it even if it's the opposite. Fingers crossed.

[Heather]

Good luck!

[Breeze1892]

Finally got to talk to her after 2 weeks. Told her what I felt was happening between us and I expected to at least tell me where I stood with her but she still didn't come straight with me. Felt like she was messing with me just for laughs and I decided to walk away.

Yesterday I got a call from another friend asking me to check her Facebook wall and turns out she's had a boyfriend for 4 months and hasn't old anyone in the group. Felt angry that she didn't tell me she had a boyfriend while she made me think I ever had a chance with her. Really wish she had just said she had a boyfriend and not lie to me. Couldn't get myself to call and ask her about it.

[Redskies]

I'm sorry it worked out this way for you. It does seem like it would've been easier for you if she'd been clearer earlier; sadly, people are imperfect. I do think it likely wasn't meant personally at you; if she hadn't told anyone else about her boyfriend, then it seems like, for whatever reason, she didn't want to share that with anyone at that point.

Honestly, answers from someone about something like this often don't help much. It can seem like they would, but then, they don't. No matter what someone says about it, they still behaved in the way they did, and if that seemed not-okay and not-right to us before, it'll stay feeling like that. Too, if it's not someone who we had some kind of agreement with, they don't actually owe us an explanation. That doesn't make things alright or make things not matter. It just means that you're probably better off putting what you need - just you, and not involving her - first in dealing with this. It's okay to feel upset, hurt, or angry - you get to feel how you feel, and you get to have the time you need to deal with those feelings. If you want or need support or input from anyone else in working through your feelings, the most helpful people are going to be your friends, or family, or anyone else (like us, for example) you want to talk with about it, rather than her.

[Breeze1892]

I know she didn't have to tell me about it but I thought since we were friends she'd be open to tell me without keeping it a secret.

I was holding back from telling her and not making myself look like a fool. Considering how hard it is to tell someone you like them, her leading me on and hoping I had a chance just makes me look stupid.

I'm going to try and remain friends with her because she's really cool and we sorta have a clique so we get to see each other everyday. Not sure if I should ask her about her though. Might make things awkward between us and I still want her as a friend.