Poly troubles, long distance!

[absicle]

When my partner and I first started seeing each other, we were living in the same location, and they had another partner as well. Throughout the time of us living in the same city, they went on many dates and I rarely dated. We discussed extensively how we preferred each person discuss dating with one another and it was agreed that the person going on the date could share as much as they felt comfortable sharing and the parter could ask as many questions as they needed to feel comfortable as well. We never had any issues with this, and i was very comfortable with their dating habits and how they shared information with me.
Now, my partner moved far away for a summer job, and we are doing long distance. We are currently only seeing each other, although have agreed to remain polyamorous. They are living in a place where they can't date around, and, for now, i am (as they say) their only friend. I recently went on a date with someone though and my partner became very jealous. I fully communicated to them before i went on the date, then after, i called them and they got pretty weird. I could tell talking about my date was hurtful to them so i tried not to overshare details and now they are accusing me of trying to be sneaky or hide something from them. Personally, I feel like the way I talked about my experience was within the terms we agreed on. I am left feeling horribly guilty though, as if i cheated on my partner, and i'm concerned about the long term affects. I am having trouble navigating communication because my immediate instinct is to respond in a way of defending myself, but I think what they need is more assurance. Given the circumstances, this is a sensitive time for my partner, but i feel pretty hurt that I have given them so much freedom and shown so much compersion with their dating life, and when I finally decide to date, i'm met with accusations. Advice on navigating hypocritical expectations in the changing dynamics of a poly relationship?

[Jacob]

Hi Absicle,

Thanks for coming here to ask this question!

While it sounds like your partner is feeling jealous, which isn't really controlllable, they're also pushing the burden of that unpleasant feeling onto you, which is something they could have chosen no to do.

If our agreed relationship unexpectedly gives rise to painful emotions, then it really is our responsibility to bring this up and talk about what we might want or need. That sounds like a difficult but good place to move the conversation.

That said, this sounds pretty stressful for you. Your eagerness to make them feel ok is very familiar to me, and I'm seeing things that sound like it'd be difficult to leave this relationship if you wanted to!

Do you have an idea of what you would like to happen or would wish could happen?

[absicle]

Hi Jacob, thank you for your response, you helped me think through a few things.
When thinking about what I want to happen, I would like to grow with my long distance partner while also enjoying dates here at home. I want us to be able to communicate our own needs to one another while respecting boundaries.

I think I need my partner to communicate to me what they want or need from me in regard to how we discuss my dating. I will try my best to facilitate a conversation that allows them to tell me those needs without making them guilty if they might want more from me than what I wanted from them in the past.

but my "eagerness to make them feel ok" is very true and often means I rarely prioritize my own emotional needs. The long distance has made emotional boundaries feel murky, and theres a more "possessive" tone in general. I think what is stressing me out is having a conversation where i am trying to provide to my partner's hurt feelings and potentially agreeing to things that I later realize feel unreasonable to me or not properly communicating how i was also hurt in this situation. Hmm... do you have any tips?

[Siân]

You have articulated really clearly here some of the things that you and your relationship with this partner need right now, which is a really great first step. Have you shared these thoughts with your partner? I understand that you've talked about the particular date that stirred up all these feelings, but have you had a more general conversation? If not that seems like a sound next step. If you have, how did it go?

It can be hard to remember to hold on to and prioritise our own needs when we are surrounded by the cultural concept that love = sacrifice. What might help is if you can know for yourself what your wants, needs and boundaries are so you can check in with yourself when making agreements. Writing it down helps! I particularly like the "want, will, won't" structure: what are the things I want in a relationship, what will I accept/be comfortable with and what won't make me feel okay? You can even both write your own lists and compare. What do you think?