My Boyfriend is Unhealthy

[BabyD0907]

I have known my boyfriend for years. Our romantic relationship ended after high school but we got back together three years later and have been in a great place since. I do believe we both needed to grow as people before being in a serious relationship. Everything emotionally and physically is fine between us with the exception of one thing: he is way too small. I mean, he is unhealthily skinny. He doesn't eat more than a meal a day when we aren't together, which is a lot considering we don't live together, and it isn't balanced. His diet causes his body odor to be horrendous. He occasionally complains to me about being dizzy and lightheaded and always feels better when he eats a decent amount. He's 6'1" and he's only 120-ish lbs. I have said something to him about going on diets together (for him to gain and me to lose weight) but he doesn't stick to anything. I don't want to sound selfish, but I can't live the rest of my life like this. I feel like a terrible person, but I have my history of eating disorders and anorexia and sometimes, being around his behavior puts me in a bad place. And not only that, but he's physically hungry. He just won't eat. I'm frustrated with him. I'm frustrated with his family for not stepping up and saying anything and just letting it get this bad. I'm frustrated with myself for feeling the way that I do. Someone told me, "If you loved him, his weight wouldn't matter." That just infuriated me because it's not like I'm body shaming him. HE'S ACTUALLY UNHEALTHY AND VITAMIN DEFICIENT. I've offered to go with him to the doctor and get bloodwork done and he doesn't want to. I don't know what to do!

[Heather]

I don't think you're being a terrible person. I think that you know a good deal about what you're saying here, very much including because of your experience, and I think it's sound for you to be concerned. It's not terrible to be concerned about someone like this. (And I, too, have a lot of sweary-grumbles for the person who said that garbage to you about if you loved him.) We're supposed to be concerned about people we love when they are harming themselves. <3

You're right: it isn't healthy to only eat one meal a day, and he is reporting symptoms that make pretty clear he's likely severely malnourished. Over time -- and you probably already know this, given your history -- this will impact his short and long-term health, both his mental health and his physical health, more and more and more.

Can you fill me in on what your talks together about this have been like? For instance, have you tried yet to have a conversation that is basically something like, "I am getting more and more worried about you, and some of this is also really bad for me as someone with a history of EDs. Can we please go to the doctor together so we can get an idea of if you're healthy or not, and then see where we can go from there?"

[BabyD0907]

Thank you for replying! That was one example of the talks we've had. I've asked him about his relationship with food and whether he's not eating because he doesn't want to or is uncomfortable with his weight. He hasn't given me an answer that makes sense. I have suspicions but I'm no psychologist, so I can't diagnose anything. I haven't been able to convince him that going to a doctor is necessary, even with his dizzy spells. I have asked him if he wants me to go with him, go alone, go with family; it all seems like he isn't taking it seriously. What drives me nuts is if I skip a meal on accident or something, he gets pretty upset with me. But, if I'm being frank, I know if I skip a meal I will be okay. At this point, I'm worried about his organs. I have expressed concern, attempted to provide him with some of the information about being underweight that was given to me, and I've even recommended ways for us to go through this journey together. "I think it would be helpful if we were accountable to each other about the food we eat and the amount of physical activity we do on a regular basis. That way we can meet our goals together." But nothing. And when he does eat, a lot of the time it is processed foods and it isn't doing him any good.

[Heather]

You know, I think it's very valid and reasonable to set limits with our partners when they aren't taking care of or are actively harming themselves. It takes a very real and often large toll on intimate partners when people are in those spots -- including in ways partners often wind up caretaking them or carrying their burdens (like, he's telling you all about his symptoms, so you have to carry those, too, especially since he's not addressing them)-- and it's fair to ask them to act in their own care, as well, if they want to be in an intimate partnership. We all deserve basically healthy partners in that regard.

So, I'd say it sounds like time for you to do that, like by saying that you are asking him to at least just get his health evaluated (though I'm sure for him it's a huge deal, probably because he knows full well what they're going to find and then he'll have to deal with it in a real way) because it is something you need for him as his partner and you need in order to BE his partner, because this impacts you and the health of your relationship. What do you think about that?

I want to be clear: it's not a healthy relationship for anyone when one person in it is actively harming themselves or is not taking basic care of themselves, but has the ability -- when they're refusing to. So, if you told me you were with someone like this who just would NOT seek out any kind of active care, or even an evaluation, I'd be advising that you reconsider this relationship, because it wouldn't strike me as healthy. This isn't you being unreasonable, okay?

[BabyD0907]

I think I can try that. I was just worried that by saying something, I would be over-stepping. But I see what you're saying. Considering he is my partner and we are in this relationship together, requiring that of him shouldn't be as big a problem as it is in my head. I want him to get help. And I do think if this continues on with him not doing so, I would have to let go. But I don't want it to get to that point. I won't threaten him with that considering I do want to give him time and be patient with him. I know how hard this can be. But I do require this of him. I want this relationship to work, especially since I see great qualities in him.

[Heather]

I do think that if he isn't willing to take care of himself in the most basic ways, it would be a good idea for you to think about letting go, especially since this isn't just a matter of you having to watch a partner be like this, and carry all the burdens involved, but that it also puts your own recovery at risk. I'm sorry to say that, because it doesn't sound like what you want, but I do think it's important to say.

In no way is this overstepping. Limits and boundaries are part of healthy relationships: without them, a relationship simply cannot be a healthy one. And asking someone not to slowly kill themselves while you are in an intimate relationship with them is a reasonable limit/boundary. I don't want to put pressure on you, but I also think if you don't set these kinds of limits with him, and make these kinds of asks, you're likely enabling him in his illness, which you obviously don't want to do, for all the reasons.

Too, if one of the limits you set is that you will not stay in this with him if he refuses to do anything for his own care, that is NOT threatening him. Threats and limits are not the same things. We can talk about that, if you'd like. <3

[BabyD0907]

Well, yes. I would like to discuss that. I, in theory, understand that threats and limits are different things but I feel like saying, "I need you to take care of yourself or this isn't going to work," is a bit in the threatening category.

[Sam W]

Hi BabyD0907,

Would it be helpful to use the space here to figure out how the specifics of how your going to tell him about this boundary? That might give you a way to practice and find the way of phrasing it that works best for you.

I think there are a few things that distinguish a hard limit from a threat. One is intent: when you threaten someone, it's very much about saying you'll hurt them to get something you want. Setting a hard limit has little to do with wants and lots to do with needs. In your case, your need is to be with someone who isn't a)putting your own recovery at risk and b)making you watch them slowly kill themselves. And you need him to understand that if he continues with his current trajectory, being with him is simply not something you're able to do because of the harm it's doing to you. That may feel like a threat to him (and to you, in some ways), because it threatens the current dynamic of the relationship. But you're not setting that limit to hurt him; you're setting that limit because without it, both of you will continue to be hurt, and you need that to stop (or at the very least, you need to do what you have to to make it to stop hurting you). Does that make sense?

[Heather]

Sure.

So, what a threat is, by definition -- and I think it matters, especially since the way our culture is toxic about relationships really confuses matters and obfuscates the real meaning -- is a statement of an intention (AKA, on purpose) to inflict pain, injury, damage, or other hostile action on someone in retribution for something done or not done.

In no way does that even marginally resemble what you're doing.

Here's what I'm suggesting you do: I'm suggesting you set a LIMIT as to what YOU will live with and what you will give up or risk when it comes to your own health and well-being. His behaviours -- both what sound like ED behaviours, but also refusing to seek out care for himself, all while asking you to do a bunch of emotional labor to effectively carry you both in this -- are not healthy for you. Having and setting limits and boundaries for our basic well-being are not threats: they are the opposite of an intent to do harm.

As well, you are creating a very basic limit about your intimate relationships: you won't stay in an intimate relationship with someone who refuses to take care of themselves. That's a smart limit for any of us to have for a whole bunch of reasons, like that someone who can't care for themselves probably can't care for us very well either, that it asks us to be the caretaker of someone (and not because they cannot take care of themselves, but because they don't want to), that it puts us in a more vulnerable position where we are way more likely to experience a lot of pain and hardship by virtue of being in the relationship with someone like that, etc. including that our risk of literally losing them -- or parts of our own lives, like financially or when it comes to having any emotional energy left for our own goals and dreams -- much higher.

You're asking for someone to do something that is healthy for both of you. You are NOT trying to do harm or damage: in fact, you are trying to STOP harm and PREVENT more damage. It's a LACK of limits and boundaries that is unhealthy and harmful and damaging. Having them is what IS healthy, what is constructive and what is caring, including for yourself.

Make sense?

[BabyD0907]

I see what you are saying, and I understand. Though I do believe phrasing this somehow would help. I don't want to jump into this conversation with him again and feel like he isn't hearing me. But I also want to make sure I phrase everything correctly so he understands I'm saying and doing what I am because it is a detriment to both him and myself.

So if I were to state, "I need you to see a doctor because the behaviors you are exhibiting are putting the both of us in a bad situation" I feel like that isn't a strong enought statement. However, I am wary about saying, "Your behaviors are putting me into a headspace that is similar to the one I was in before I was diagnosed with an eating disorder."

[Heather]

Is that last statement true? (Doesn’t mean you have to say it, I’m just asking to clarify.)

[BabyD0907]

It is true to an extent. I see him and I begin questioning my own weight. I know he's unhealthy and I am very active so there is a certain number of calories I need to eat every day so I don't pass out. But I still consider not eating purposefully at times which is something I haven't done in almost 10 years.

[Heather]

Okay. So, at the very least, let's acknowledge that's happening between us, okay? And tell the whole truth here that it's very clear this situation and this guy are pretty literally hazardous to your health right now. Both the stress of all this and everything that triggers your own ED truly are super-bad for you. I'm so sorry that you have been and are still in this position. It really sounds like torture in a whole bunch of ways.

I actually think that what you're thinking about saying sounds really good, and if you hold that line, it's strong enough. I think the holding that limit is where the real strength lies, more so in what you say about it, you know? So, if that's what feels like a right thing for you to say and that you also can say and feel comfortable with, why not go with that? Then just back it up with something like a clear deadline and agreement -- eg, "I am asking you to make an appointment as soon as you can get one and then go to it, let's say before the end of July (doctors can take a bit, as you know)." Depending on how the conversation goes, you may need or want to add something like, "If you don't, I will need you to accept that if you won't take care of yourself in that way, I still need to take care of myself, so will need to make some changes on my end to make that happen, probably including some distance from this relationship," or some such.