Found Something Suspicious and Now I'm Scared

[thetiniestghost]

Apologies in advance if I confuse anyone with how I word specific parts of my post. I have trouble writing/saying/seeing some different words and I tend to avoid using them. The things I use as replacements will usually be surrounded by " ... " but if you're confused I'll try my best to explain what I meant. Thanks.

I've mentioned here before that I have severe anxiety in regards to my overall health and going to see doctors. I always get very nervous and scared about possible illnesses I have or exposure to them and I'm a frequent self-checker. I have mixed feelings about doing it because, while I want to make sure I don't see anything unusual and can stay up-to-date and informed about my body, I'm always super scared I'll notice something is wrong.

I ended up giving in today and I started checking my body for anything different while I was getting ready in the morning. When I got to checking "down there," I noticed small white-ish specks that I thought were bits of toilet tissue at first on the right side of "there" near/on my clitoris. Once I realized it wasn't toilet tissue and wasn't coming off, I started getting extremely nervous and paranoid as I never saw anything like that on my body before and I immediately stopped what I was doing. I finished getting ready, caved to my fears again, and started googling what the problem could be. I couldn't find anything really helpful or too specific, but my best guess is that this is some type of cyst, pimple, or abscess thing I just didn't notice before. I've never been sexually active, so I'm pretty sure it can't be an STD/STI but that could still a possibility because I'm not a doctor so I can't really rule anything out for sure.

The things I saw online also said it would be a good idea to go get checked out by a "women's doctor" to make sure it isn't anything serious and prevent it from getting worse/becoming a problem later on. I obviously agree with that, but there are a few problems I have that could prevent that. The first one being I don't know if my parent's insurance would be able to cover a visit and I don't think we can afford to pay out of pocket. I'm also scared there won't be any female "women's doctors" in my area and there is no way in hell I would be able to have a man as my doctor. It's hard enough for me to do it with someone of my same sex, doing it with someone of the opposite sex would probably make it all a thousand times worse.

The last reason and probably the biggest one is that I am absolutely terrified at the thought of going to one at all. "Women's doctors" and healthcare related to that part of my body give me really bad anxiety and just thinking about it too much can cause me to have panic/anxiety attacks. I know this isn't a rational way of thinking, especially because my health is a very serious and important thing, but I just can't help it. I'm very insecure in general and the thought of someone looking at or touching me there makes me want to cry, hide, and tie my legs together so no one can even try. I know those types of doctors deal with looking at other people's "down theres" everyday, so mine wouldn't be some big shocking surprise, but I just can't stomach the idea of them looking at mine. It makes me feel unsafe and vulnerable and like they could do anything to me and I wouldn't be able to stop them. Again I know this is totally stupid and irrational but I just can't shake that idea from my head.

I also know how those types of appointments and exams go down because I've been looking them up for a while now. I'm not scared of what they're going to do because I don't know, I'm scared because I do. I know that if I go to that type of doctor for what I found, I have to let them look. I also know I'd probably just suck it up and tell them about the period issues I have too, so I could just get it all over and done with and not have to come back and relive this all over again. The things I end up telling the doctor would more than likely cause them to be a bit concerned, so I know they'd want to do one of those exams to check everything out. The feeling of something being up in "there" is incredibly uncomfortable, foreign, and scary for me and, even if something is only there for less than 30 seconds, my whole lower abdomen will hurt for a few days to a week.

I honestly can't picture myself going through all this without crying, and I don't want to annoy or upset the doctor who's just trying to do their job because I'm being difficult or something. I know I should go for the sake of my health, but I'm seriously so scared about it all. I don't know how I'd bring it up with my mom and avoid telling my dad anything, actually bring it up with her and not back out last minute from being too scared, and I don't know how to handle my emotions about this all in a manor that won't get people upset with me. Does anyone have any advice on what I should do?

Sorry if I was being really annoying or irrational or anything or jumping all over the place in this.

[al]

Hi there tiniestghost,

I have good news for you! The likelihood that what you've spotted is something serious is very low, especially since you haven't been sexually active before. I'm not a doctor and I can't diagnose things over the internet, but if I had to guess, what you saw was probably some run-of-the-mill bumps or inflamed hair follicles. Like a lot of other bumps or lumps that we can get on our bodies, it's possible that they may come and go away on their own. If you're not experiencing any other new or troublesome symptoms (like itching, pain, burning when you pee, etc), it's probably something benign.
In general it can be a little scarier for people with vulvas and vaginas to experience new symptoms or odd things happening genital-wise, because it's an area that we don't see every day, and it can feel a little more "foreign". But like I said, the skin of our genitals is like the skin everywhere else on our bodies, but even more sensitive and delicate. So it could be something as simple as your body telling you that it doesn't like how tight your underwear was yesterday. It's possible that by waiting a day or two, it could totally go away by itself.

That being said, if it would make you feel better to check in with a healthcare provider, you can still go to see your regular doctor for issues like this - in fact, most insurance companies require that you see them first to determine if you need to see a specialist. Do you have a regular female doctor that you trust and could talk with about this? Would that feel more do-able than seeing a specialist, or someone that you don't know?
And I'll also say - if you're nervous about the idea of having a genital exam, and you don't feel ready for one, that's okay. That's absolutely something you can say to your provider. It's possible that you won't even need to have one in the first place, and she could instead ask detailed questions about your symptoms, cycles, and daily habits. And if even if she said that you needed one, you have every right to decline and say that you'd need to do some preparation or talk it over with family or someone else first. Did you ever get a chance to talk with your mom about your medical care, the anxiety that it brings up?

In terms of the general pattern of health-related anxiety, one thing that we always recommend is to try and stay away from Google searches. Not everything out there has been researched and carefully reviewed the way that sites like Scarleteen or other sexual health organizations do, and in fact, a lot of the content out there consists of people who are asking questions or putting their own unique experiences out into the ether. You mentioned that you "gave in" and did some of those searches when you noticed the bumps, and that's what led to more anxiety. Are there any other things that you do when you notice something different that you find helpful in moving through that anxiety?

[thetiniestghost]

Oh well that is good news, haha. I didn't experiencd any symptoms from the spots until I was actually looking at and touching them and was starting freaking out. Since it was just very mild discomfort, I'm 99% sure it was just my head trying to make it seem like it was something much worse than it probably was.

For the doctor thing, I'm not really too sure. The practice I go to has a whole bunch of different doctors so everytime I go there I see a different one. I do know that I had a really nice lady the last time I went for a check-up though, so I could probably ask my mom to try to request her (if it's possible) because I think I'd feel better talking to her about it than anyone else there. I don't think I'm going back till around December because there has to be at least a year in between regular visits and things to be covered by our insurance, but I could ask my mom if we would be able to do a different one sooner just in case. But yeah it does seem more do-able than trying to find a new doctor. I also didn't know that I could tell them I wasn't ready for that kind of exam before so that's really helpful!

I've told my mom very vaugely about my anxiety issues before (I didn't want to worry her too much) and we tried looking for a therapist for a little while but I don't know what's going on right now. She hasn't brought it up in a long time and I think it's probably because I downplayed it so much. I was trying to come up with a way to kinda explain what's happening in a better way so she can understand and not get upset or anything. I think I might write a little letter or an email or something because I tend to find writing everything out makes things easier to say. I just haven't really figured out what I would say and when would be the best time to do it.

With the whole google thing, I usually try really hard not to run straight to my computer when I notice something is up. I know that's probably the worst thing I could do but sometimes if I've been worried about something for a long time my brain just keeps trying to convince me to start looking things up. I know it isn't true but my head always tells me I would feel better if I just knew what the symptoms of whatever I was scared I had so I could be like "see I don't have those I'm fine" but it always ends up making everything worse. Before my head gets to that point I usually just try to relax by listening to music and watching some youtube videos so I could kinda distract myself and keep it off my mind long enough for me to calm down. If that doesn't work I start getting really fidgety and I walk around my house a lot to try and get rid of the nervous energy which does help once in a while. If I have the chance to I also try taking a warm shower because it always feels nice and I feel okay crying or letting out any of those really negative emotions while I'm in there since it's very private and stuff. Typically google is the last resort and I only do it after those other things failed to help me out.

Thank you so much for responding!

Also appologzes for any typos and things. I'm typing this on my phone and the keyboard is a bit messed up.

[Sam W]

Hi thetiniestghost,

Sounds like you've got your next steps all figured out! I think writing out what you want to say to your mom could be really helpful, especially if you find it easier to get your thoughts together on paper.

I also want to toss a few resources your way, one on how to find a therapist and make the counseling process work for you, and another with some extra tools on how to manage anxiety (to add to the already good set of coping strategies you've been developing): Process This: Getting the Most Out of Therapy, Anxiety and Other Mental Health Resources

[phantomdog]

hi,

it kinda sounds like it could just be fordyce spots (i can't diagnose for sure) which are 100% harmless and super common, so i don't think you have to worry. still good to see a doctor in case but really don't stress!

[Heather]

I concur with phantomdog here!

One other thing you can do in the future when it IS time for this kind of healthcare is to make a consultation appointment first where, similar to what Sam suggested, you're only having a conversation, not an exam. Sometimes all of this is a lot less scary when you can at least get to know your healthcare provider first, so they're not a total stranger. You can also talk to them about a plan to manage your anxiety for an exam appointment: if a provider can't do that with you, they obviously won't be the right one for you! You're hardly the only person with medical anxiety, or this kind of it, so it's something good healthcare providers should be willing and able to address and help their patients manage.