Mixed messages and depression

[Sam W]

You're welcome, and I'm glad we've hit upon something that resonates, even if it's painful. Those fears you're expressing about losing one of the few guys who wasn't garbage when it comes to how they view and treat women is actually a really common feeling (the way men in positions of power currently talk about women also doesn't help). In fact, it's a reason why some women stay in toxic or unhappy relationships; they're afraid this is as good as it's going to get. One thing that may help counteract those feelings is to remember that while there are a lot of men who treat women terribly, there are plenty who see the women in their lives as equals and are caring, considerate partners. It also helps to remind yourself that even if finding a partner who treat you like a full person takes some doing, you deserve to have that kind of relationship. If it would be helpful, we can talk about ways to start weeding the men from your life who are unpleasant, and how to identify guys you may want in your life as friends.

Taking care of your home and your body are both really good ways to feel more in control of your life (in terms of your living space, it might not hurt to make some decorative changes to mark it as going from "ours" to "yours"). I feel you on struggling to find people to spend time with; I moved to a rural area far from everywhere I'd lived before and had to rebuild my in-person friend networks. One thing that helped me was looking into hobbies or activities I enjoyed, or ones that I'd been interested in trying, in my area. It took some trial and area, but I did find a few. If you like, we could brainstorm some ways for you to try something similar.

If you're still checking in with a counselor, it may be worth bringing up those feelings of being puppetish or exhausted when interacting with others. As I said, to a certain degree those feelings make sense given what happened with your ex and where you are in the break-up process. And taking some alone time to replenish (or even just to flop in a way that feels good) is still a good plan. But it's good to keep an eye on that exhaustion or pulling away from interactions with other people in case it starts cutting you off from things you need. Does that make sense?

I also have a book recommendation, if you're up for it: "Burnout" by Emily and Amelia Nagoski. It covers a lot of the emotions you're describing and has ways to address them and start building yourself back up and finding things that fill that "big empty." It's one of the few "Self help" books that I've found genuinely useful.

[Stuck11]

Hey Sam, thanks for the book recommendation. I'll pick it up from the library or Google books. The acts of reading and writing do help a lot (even in the short-term). It takes focus and relieves some of the feverish worrying energy at least.

I've brought up the exhaustion feeling with my counselor, and he's asked a lot of questions around that, involving the distant past. Usually to the tune of "What was happening at home that made you feel like you couldn't gather your resources and build yourself up out in the world?" We're going through that together, and I hope it eventually bears some fruit (in the form of relief or new cognizance). He's been kind of cautious about pushing me too far because I've been so anxious and over-taxed, but I think we're going to delve more seriously now that my partner has moved out.

In general, I'd be open to brainstorming about how to find friends here, or hobbies. I've done a few things like yoga , swimming, and taking a cooking class. I'm also taking a video editing class ongoing. But those don't really feel super "social," you know? I've always had the best luck finding friends through proximity, usually through working food service jobs. Now that I've got a 'job' job, my best coworker friend is the one above. He can certainly be a caustic asshole, but I do believe he cares about me as a human. He just gets mad when he sees me hurting and doesn't know what to do.

The last thing I wanted to bring up is kind of embarrassing. I'm obsessing right now over whether to give my ex-partner his mail this weekend, in person, and ask him to pick up the rest of his things from the apartment. It causes me dread both 1) to see him and 2) to have the stuff here indefinitely, meaning that I'll have to plan to see him later. But I also feel drawn to see him. I miss him and I know it will be a weird and mixed interaction. But I'd almost rather just confirm the suckiness because it would make me feel better about moving forward.

[Heather]

What Sam said, in both her posts. I don't want to say too much, because I'd be saying nearly identical things, but I did want to come in and cosign all she said, and also just give you some props for coping really well with all of this.

Two brief things, though:
1) This? "This person is not able to really see me right now, regardless of the reason. He can't be a partner. I need to stop trying to sift through all the ambiguity and just take care of myself." This sounds just right to me. Yes. This. But also:

2) I believe you that your experience of your partner is better when it comes to women than some other men's ideas about or treatment of women are or might be. But I'm not on board with him being some kind of pinnacle of virtue in this department, and I'm telling you that because I don't think putting him on a pedastal in that regard serves you well -- especially around what Sam brought up, this pervasive idea that women and nonbinary people who partner with men have such slim pickings that we need to stay with any of them who aren't 300% shitty because we might not find one who isn't a total nightmare again. I'm also telling you this because I don't think he's been as great as you've made him sound. Even when you look at that statement above, I'd say that a guy who was amazing at really seeing women would be better at recognizing when, for instance, he's not considering you at all, utilizing a ton of emotional and other labor from you, etc. He's clearly together enough to take care of himself in a lot of those ways, and I also would be willing to bet he's not leaning as hard on men in his life as he was on you, etc.

Like I said, I hear and believe you, though, and obviously, my view of this guy is centered on what you've shared here about his more recent behaviour. But I also just want you to know that you could still do better. It still gets better -- a lot better -- than this. And that can look like a guy who does better than this guy, but that could also look like your own life without a major romantic/sexual partner who is a guy. Or both.

[Heather]

Also:

He can certainly be a caustic asshole, but I do believe he cares about me as a human. He just gets mad when he sees me hurting and doesn't know what to do.

Um. Just volunteering a little virtual wingpersonness for you here: I do hope you will be able to tell him how out of line he was the other night and set a clear boundary that a) it's actually not appropriate for him to express anger at you about your own pain, because that is a big bunch of bullshit and b) if he's going to be your friend, he needs to act like it, and that absolutely includes not kicking you when you're down. If he responds well to that, is highly apologetic, and then changes how he acts, great. If not, I gotta say, this may be another dude you could stand to seriously reconsider in your life, you know?

With the mail, how about just arranging something that lets you pass it off to him quickly -- maybe you meet him out while you're running errands? -- and then get gone?

[Stuck11]

Hey Heather and Sam, thanks for trying to make me more aware of the context here. I do tend to put my ex on a pedestal in a lot of ways. We've actually had some pretty big battles around feminism, and my partner tended to disagree with a lot of the intellectual foundations of it. He thought I was trying to impose my framework on him, I think, as opposed to seeing it as me asserting my rights as a person. I guess it's possible to disagree about what constitutes a "systemic inequality." But he didn't like the whole narrative of patriarchy, and kept saying privilege is always a gradient, even between specific individuals, and it isn't really possible to decide who comes out on top, so to speak.

Those arguments were always long and drawn out, and I remember asking him to do some research, because feminism is so important to me and I didn't feel like I should be responsible for spoon-feeding all of the terminology and everything to him. I used to frame it feminism as "a deal breaker" of sorts. Many fights about that.

I guess I'm just wanting to talk today, if anyone is around. My ex had been planning to come over yesterday to pick up his mail, but I got so anxious about seeing him that I ended up writing an email instead, asking for 3 weeks of no contact. I tried to assert myself about the non-exclusivity thing too. He seemed to be supportive, said he wanted me to feel healthy and comfortable. He then told me that he's doing a bunch of work on his mental health. The interaction felt super strange to me anyhow. He said he looked forward to 'spending quality time' with me 'once we've got ourselves together.' I'm trying to go day by day, and not think beyond the 3 weeks. I felt better after setting the boundary, and knowing that I no longer had to worry about whether or not he would text me, and what that all meant. Thanks for guiding me through that.

I haven't been sleeping well at all lately. I've had quite a few nightmares. Last night, my mind kept replaying negative moments from the relationship, comments my partner had made, etc. It's like I can't escape the walking on eggshells feeling that has dominated the last couple of months. It feels a little bit PTSD-like.

I'm also going around in circles because I have done some destructive, even abusive, things to my partner too. I can't stop thinking about some of the things I've said to him in moments of frustration. I told him to 'f*** off' once when I got frustrated about him keeping me in emotional limbo, I've slammed doors, and even threw something once (not at him, but in the same room when I felt bullied). I feel like I made his stress worse ever since he moved in. I was frustrated by the amount of time he spent playing on the computer, often bugged him to do chores, got mad when he didn't wake up earlier to keep plans, would act resentful, etc. I would hover at his computer when he would stonewall, in a way he said he didn't like. I would get mad when he would nap for hours on the living room couch or in the bedroom, because it would make me have to tiptoe around. I would get exasperated when he would come into the bedroom late and wake me up. Our schedules never lined up and it sucked. I would get mad when he would stay up late drinking and smoking weed in the house. I see both sides of these things, obviously. But I don't imagine he felt very at home. I had trouble accommodating his lifestyle because a lot of it made me anxious. I think his intentions were innocent though; in retrospect, he was just super depressed and exhibiting symptoms. Some of it was a lack of regard for me, but most of it wasn't. Toward the end, when he was distancing himself, I invaded his privacy once, and asked several times if he was pursuing other people. He has said I'm controlling, and I think in some ways he is right. He's also said I make things 'all about me,' and that I wasn't taking into account the kinds of life stress he was under. I think he also felt insecure about taking help from me, like with job applications and stuff, because I would point out grammar errors and be a little haughty about it.

Just can't figure out how much of this feeling is an effect of ME being gaslighted and blamed, and how much of his criticism is based in reality. It's like I'm going nuts.

In some ways, I think I failed to leave well-enough alone. Certainly I did things that harmed the relationship and made him feel bad. I'm just obsessing over this. I've tried to talk to the therapist about it, to put it into context. But I feel so, so much guilt every moment of the day. My partner felt totally hen-pecked, and with reason. I was way too preoccupied with him and his presence in the house. I know all of this contributed to his feeling depressed, un-creative, unable to focus. He was always worried that I would come over and dump emotions on him at inappropriate times. I lost the ability to time my conversations--or bring things up when they were actually likely to be heard. He started to get more and more antsy, stressed, aggressive. Maybe I've caused him some type of PTSD reaction. I'm sure he's put all of this into a box in his mind--to make me seem like a decent person in retrospect--but I absolutely cannot believe how I acted. I feel like I intruded on and ruined a kind, creative person.

I know he abused me too, because I can feel it in my spirit. I know things happened that really hurt: name-calling, dismissing, rage outbursts, bad sarcasm, undercutting, etc. But I think we both contributed to the toxicity and that knowledge is killing me. I love this person--he always just left me to my own devices and ways of being. Never tried to change how I acted. I don't know why I couldn't just do the same thing.

I'm trying to do deep breathing and not obsess. It's not working. I have constant headaches now. This is one of the most trying periods of my life. I know I haven't been purely a victim here. But I can't figure out how to purge some of this guilt. It's eating me alive.

[Sam W]

Hi Stuck,

Setting that three weeks of no contact sounds like it's helping at least a little with all the big feelings around this, at least in giving you some breathing space. I do think, if there's contact between you after those three weeks, you might want to figure out how to set the boundary of "there is not going to be a relationship here for the foreseeable future." For starters, the kind of work he needs to do around his mental health is going to take awhile to get to a point where he wouldn't be repeating the same behaviors (and that's before we get to the part where those behaviors in his relationship with you were choices), and you are still going to need a lot of time to recover from how this relationship effected you.

Speaking of those effects, a lot of that guilt you're feeling is likely from the pattern that emerged in the relationship where he made you responsible for his feelings. Too, while you say you fear he didn't feel at home because of your actions, I'd argue that he acted in a way that meant he was getting what he wanted out of the living situation while making you feel as though you didn't get to have any say or feelings about said living situation. He got to nap, you got to tiptoe. He got to smoke and drink, you got to have some extra anxiety. He got to not think about the work needed to maintain a house, you got to feel like a nag for asking him to do his share of the chores. Living together can be stressful, especially if one person is dealing with big life stressors. But it sounds like he treated any attempts by you to address the inequality of labor in the house, or the things that were upsetting you, as you focusing too much on yourself and not being understanding enough of him. It makes a lot of sense that after awhile that would make you frustrated and resentful.

I also want to push back on when you say you lost your ability to properly time conversations. Granted, we're only human, sometimes we bring up things at times where they're not going to be productively discussed. But no matter how patient you were, or how you presented the information, or when you chose to bring it up, I don't think there was ever going to be a right time for those conversations in his eyes. Because you were wanting to talk about things that he simply didn't want to hear. That was a no-win situation, not a sign that you were communicating badly. Does that make sense?

With your therapist, when you've discussed these feelings of guilt, have they made any recommendations as to how to address them?

[Stuck11]

Hey Sam, thanks for replying. I appreciate what you're saying about being prepared to set another boundary after the 3-week time period is up. I think his plan is to pursue a friendship with me...I don't think he's capable of, or interested in, more at this time. When you say 'no relationship for the foreseeable future,' do you mean something romantic? Or were you saying it would be wise for me to stay away from him altogether? I'm still trying to work out what I'm able to offer, if I want to be his friend, and when. I don't plan to take up the one-sided romantic relationship gauntlet again.

I think he understands that the mental health work will take time, and that he's torn about his limitations to some extent. Not that that changes anything for me. But I at least am comforted that he's being honest about his intentions. I don't think he's going to have some big epiphany about his feelings for me--or try to get me into bed or anything. He's pretty well checked out.

In terms of your question about my therapist's strategies for relieving guilt, I don't really have a good answer. He basically said I shouldn't self-blame, and that I should do a lot of deep breathing. Just focus on my body as a center. Maybe we will work toward more concrete strategies. I hope so.

I think it's just kind of dawning on me, I guess, how much some things really do depend on reciprocity. I definitely need to be more conscious about picking partners in the future, and commit to the idea and practice of a 'two-way street.' In some ways, it's nice to realize that aspects of my situation were no-win, and not necessarily the result of me having done something wrong. It's also telling that he would hold me to such a high standard of communication without offering the basics in return. I can't even remember the last time he asked me, "What do you mean by that?" or "So what you're saying is...."

By the way, your Burnout book suggestion is amazing. I've tried a couple of the 'end the stress cycle' techniques before sleep, i.e. progressive muscle relaxation and tension, and they produce weird but good results.

[Mo]

I wanted to touch on something you wrote a couple posts back, that you've been thinking about things you did in this relationship that you regret now or worry were hurtful at the time. I do think that talking to your therapist about more concrete ways you can tackle those guilty feelings you're having is a good idea; some therapists don't go for those immediately but if you think that would be helpful, it's certainly good to ask. I know I do better with those concrete action plans, a lot of the time.

But also: I think what Sam said above, about the dynamic of this relationship being such that your partner was making you responsible for his feelings, is really accurate, and having that dynamic makes it really tough for someone to communicate or act in a way that's great for everyone. It's just too much pressure on one person! If he was putting you in a situation where he wouldn't do chores, for example, but got angry at you when you reminded or asked him to do his fair share, that set you up for a situation where you couldn't win: you could either stop reminding him and do it all yourself (a win for him!) or you could try to talk to him, at which point he got to tell you that you were reminding him too often, or in the wrong way.

It's understandable that you'd get frustrated, or that you'd communicate in ways that aren't as loving as how you want to act towards a partner in an ideal situation. A tough thing about abuse is that people can react to it in ways that abusive partners can latch onto to push a "see, we're all at fault" narrative and deflect blame from themselves. I hope you can keep some of this in mind as you're processing the guilt you're feeling.

[Sam W]

Glad "Burnout" is helping!

With your therapist, I think it's within bounds to ask to move towards more concrete steps in addressing guilt, or if he has advice on what to do if the exercises he's already given you don't seem to be having much effect on it.

And yes, when I said relationship I meant any type, romantic or platonic, so thank you for asking for that clarification. Given his past behavior, even pursuing a friendship is something I'd be cautious about. Obviously, people can and do change, and sometimes people find they get along in a much healthier way as friends as opposed to romantic partners. But I think there's a decent chance that if you two tried for a friendship in the near future, you would end up doing a lot of the emotional labor and being the target for his frustration and anger again. As part of coming up with that boundary for what you want (and don't want) from him after the three weeks are up, you may want to ask yourself what behaviors he'd need to demonstrate in order for you to want to continue a friendship with him. Does that make sense?

[Stuck11]

That makes sense. I'm finding everything a bit overwhelming right now. Just torn between trying to prepare myself for the end of 'no contact' and trying heal/hide. It's been hard and I haven't slept much at all in the last couple of days (which of course makes all the emotional stuff seem insurmountable). I feel like I'm trying to decide on a goal, e.g. move on and forget him, but can't. It's all very foggy to me.

I'll ask the therapist about how to better challenge guilt. I feel sicker and more horrible about it by the day--like I'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown. It's really awful. My mom keeps telling me not to shoulder full responsibility for the relationship, just as you all have said. Finding it very difficult not to ruminate and worry about him hating me for how toxic things got. I might reserve a hotel room tonight so I can be away from the house we shared, and just sleep, I hope.

[Mo]

Getting away from that physical space and sleeping somewhere "neutral" might be a good idea for a night or two. It sounds like you're pretty distressed right now; are there other things you can think of to take care of yourself right now? Is your next therapist appointment coming up soon?

[Stuck11]

It's on Thursday I'm trying to not Google things, and I told my mom I would go for a short walk.

[Heather]

Hey there, Stuck. I don't have anything to add right now -- I've been offline trying to both unpack my office and a whole bunch of my own feelings at the same time due to my own (very, very extended, like over years, a thing I do not advise, for the record) breakup, but I just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you and hoping you're hanging in there. I also am very much in agreement with the things both Sam and Mo have shared with you.

I'll be back around here working online tomorrow, Thursday and most of Friday if you want to talk again. <3

[Stuck11]

<3 I didn't realize you were in the throes of a breakup too. Please take care--there a lot of positive little karmas coming your way, many from the good you've done via this site and elsewhere. I think it helps to sometimes say to yourself: "Gotta just make it to this next part, whatever that looks like."

[Heather]

Indeed, though at this point, it's less "throes" and more the final death knell. Like I said, I have literally been in a breakup in this one relationship for -- <does math> -- about 4 years. All my stuff finally made it to me cross-country from the movers, which is great, because I have my stuff now but I also have All My Stuff now in the emotional way, a thing I suspect you understand!

(My ex has literally refused to engage in any kind of resolution/goodbye with me in any way, to extremes like asking me to leave the home we shared but putting all the labor of sorting through our things and packing and such on me, taking self-advantage of all the communication/resolution systems I set up for us both to try and make this separation caring and fair to solely benefit himself, etc. So, suffice it to say, I have a LOT of emotional stuff to try and finally let go of and not a great setup for doing that.)

It once was my primary relationship, but blessedly, I've also been in another, utterly LOVELY relationship for around a year and a half, which is now my primary one. Oddly enough, when you and I first started talking, the relationship you were in was reminding me very much of a totally different one I was about 15 years ago or so. The more yours devolved and went on, and the more you talked, the more it actually started feeling a whole lot like this one I just finally got myself all the way out of (and which, tbh, I should have seen coming because this wasn't the first time I was with this person and in hindsight, all the signs were there of them not having grown much since the other times). Alas, being a sex/relationship professional doesn't keep any of us from having our own crummy patterns! I won't be all don't-be-like-me-with-this...but. Um. Yeah, don't. :/

Thanks so much for that support and those kind words. <3

[Stuck11]

That sounds really unpleasant--I can imagine the difficulty of navigating a move and feeling like you can't get traction or closure of any kind. I'm realizing that a lot of times people just can't or won't communicate what's going on with them. Like, they make decisions and don't really clue in the other party or give them an opportunity to present their side or make changes. Sounds like that was the case with your ex and the move...probably scared to see you because it felt like accountability or a chance to lapse into old behaviors or ...something. Glad you're making your way out.

Things are slow for me today. I finally slept, which is good. For some reason, I'm trying to kill off my hope for reconnecting with my partner. But I really do hope that we can be friends. I realize that we're not a good romantic match, and I guess I've known that for a while. Or I think I have. I always just drove on anyway, thinking that work and introspection and love can make two people comfortable/compatible. I'm just left with the dread of having things be different now, and not knowing what that's going to be like. The distance is going to be hard to experience, whenever we do see each other again. Maybe I'm trying to work through this all too fast. I miss him and the better version of us together.

[Heather]

Agreed on that first bit. Withholding information and communication is also a really great way to control people and make it awfully hard for those people to be able to call it out, because it's so passive. That was YEARS, heck, probably much of the whole nine years, of my last relationship. Good times.

You know, I think working to detach yourself from your attachment to a thing (or relationship) is always a good idea. Even with things we're actively in, attachment can be and create some real problems. When we're less attached, we can make better choices, and when we're less attached, we can also often relate to each other in a better way when we are in relationships together. And certainly, working on detaching is vital when you or someone else is actively detaching themselves from your relationship.

It's so hard to let go of the past, period, but really hard in a relationship where the distant past was lovely and the more recent past and present suck. It can also be really hard to accept when "how we were" is always going to be in the rearview, and we probably can't be how we were in the past in the present. <3

[Stuck11]

Hey all, I'm having a rough day and wanted to talk if there's time. I woke up this morning feeling absolutely dead and flat...scarily shell-like. I've been feeling really angry and resigned about the prospect of rebuilding my life from here. I've always dealt with low-grade depression and now I'm just here sitting in it, without many real connections to others. I've been in this 'starting over' position so many times before, in new cities, after relationships, after shifting jobs, etc. I've never really defeated the depression--despite having some happier times interspersed here and there. I feel a lot of pressure to "make myself happy," and there's suggestion that I'm somehow lacking if I don't have an obsessive hobby or passion. There are things I like--writing for example--but I can't generally self-sustain as a seedling in the wind. I'm really tired of living in a culture that is so naturally isolating. Everything feels deeply pointless and has for some time. (My friend from home Cass says she thinks all of this is me recovering from a rough few months, and that I should get a dog).

Now I feel like I'm losing my best friend / ex --and that we'll never get to a place where we're comfortable around each other again. The whole thing feels wrecked. All I think about is trying to fix that connection, even platonically. I don't even want him to be my partner. I just feel like I can't lose another well-earned connection, somebody else I love. Even then, I know he'll eventually move away when he gets the job he wants, and I'll be here.

I've been researching all this crap about how to self-soothe and feel more in control of my life, etc. But the future just looks bleak and joyless, like a slog toward mild self-betterment. I've never had everything just fall into place. I've lost a lot of people--and whenever that occurs I'm in shock for a long time. Like, "Did that relationship even happen? Was that real? How did that just end?"

And there it went, you know?

It just reminds me of dying. My relationship with my best friend is hanging by a thread and I have no idea when/if we will ever fix it.

I like having someone to cook for, share with, say hello to, etc. I hate being by myself so goddamn much.

But yeah, really struggling to give a crap about anything at all going forward. Life is like winning the lottery and not being able to keep any of the winnings, except in memory. All the things that people might look forward to, I just don't. I can't convince myself to want a family because the world is warming. I can't convince myself that I care about storytelling any more (what used to be a major passion and even source of income). I'm terrified of having sex with and dating future partners because I feel like the same patterns are going to keep happening. My parents are getting older and I'm far away from them. The future really looks like an awkward slog where I'm uncomfortable or miserable all the time.

I'm having to take anxiety medicine to go to sleep at night. Without it, I'm just awake for days. I don't really want to go back on antidepressants, but that's probably what needs to happen. Do you have any affirmations for a non-suicidal person who doesn't really want to keep pushing? I've always thought that somehow, depression would passively kill me (impossible, I know). and it feels like that's happening, or on the verge of it. I'm still going to therapy but I can't remember anything helpful to process my patterns. There's no story of me left. I'm just like a freaking vacuum.

[Stuck11]

It's strange that this has hit so hard today. I spent the weekend doing yoga and swimming and trying to talk to friends/family. I'm doing "the stuff" I guess.

[Heather]

I've been in this 'starting over' position so many times before, in new cities, after relationships, after shifting jobs, etc.

You are playing my song! Literally, last week I went into a very sad tailspin about how many times (I'm 49 and have been moved around and displaced nonstop pretty much since birth, so you can imagine) I've had to start over and fears about how many more restarts I have in me. Of course, here I am, about a gazillion of them later, so however crummy it can feel -- boy, do I get it -- I think we all probably have a lot more in us than we think. I'd also propose that no matter what we do, life often puts us in this spot way more than we probably expect.

I do also think that there's a learning piece in there about the fact that if we do all or most of the heavy lifting in things like our relationships -- if our investment has been very one-sided, or we have just put a LOT of labor in -- then yeah, it's so easy to feel like we are losing a big investment and, I'd propose, that can also often compel us to stay longer (all the while still doing more of the heavy lifting) in things we're really not getting a return in, not enough of one to balance out what we put in, anyway. And of course, when that all foes on and then the inevitable end -- as everything does -- occurs, boy, oh boy, can we feel EXTRA crummy.

(The note I take from that, if it's helpful to you, when I find myself in that spot (and I have often) is that when I'm starting over, to try and be more careful about how much and how I emotionally invest and how I build my relationships.)

There's also a thing where I feel like so much of what you're describing is life in one's twenties. Everyone and everything is in such a giant state of flux: it can feel like you just can't get your footing and keep your footing no matter what. Personally, I don't know many people for whom things feel like they just fall/fell into place: most of us are tired all the time from working to make things happen or keep things going. That's often exhausting. If you're dealing with grief --as you are -- and depression -- as it very much sounds like you are -- on top of it, that's a LOT.

I do think that it's a good idea to be clear with your therapist about all of this. I hear you that you don't feel suicidal, but I feel like what I think of as passive suicidal ideation -- you're not going to do anything to try and end yourself, but you're starting to feel like you don't want to sustain yourself to stay alive and keep your life going in all the ways -- is still a thing worth saying something about to mental healthcare providers. Including because that's a slippery slope, sometimes. <3

Can you give me an idea about what your life is like right now? We've been talking to you almost exclusively about this relationship, so I don't have a real sense of your life outside of it. Do you work? Do you like whatever you do? Is it a day job for you to pay the bills, but not a passion? If so, what do you actually want to spend your time doing much of the time? Friends? Your community? What you like to do with time alone?

[Heather]

Also, I will always vote to adopt a dog, but that's just me (also my dog).

[Stuck11]

Hey Heather, my life looks pretty good, all things considered. I work as a full-time reporter for a public radio station. I'm under fairly intense deadline/production pressure all the time, and oftentimes the subject matter for my reporting beat is very heavy. I like aspects of the job--getting to travel, having liberty to talk about sensitive things, being able to write and play with sound. But I have an editor who is kind of overbearing and has kind of crushed my creativity and taken a big slice of the natural fun of the job away. So it's like sort of a passion, but a bad environment. I feel like I need to make a job change, but can't seem to get up the gumption to apply elsewhere because I'm not finding other positions that seem as cool or well-paid. I spend a LOT of time working.

If I had a choice about how to spend my time, I would probably spend most of it driving around and listening to music. I like traveling, hiking. I used to like the idea of just waking up and working from home on freelance projects. But that's not as easy to pull off now that grad school has finished. I like being outside. I like hanging out with little kids because they're funny.

I like thinking and talking about story. I like working on teams where we talk about framing stories.

In terms of my regular life, I have a couple coworker friends but no close ones nearby. During the week, I come home around 6pm and feel mentally exhausted and try to prepare for the next day. I don't feel particularly inspired and I feel trapped by student loans. But yea, that's pretty much my life now. Work, seeing friends occasionally on the weekends, going to exercise/yoga , watching TV in the evening for a while. I have a downstairs neighbor who I talk to. Fun, huh?

I'm still pretty determined to rectify my friendship with my ex in some way, even if small. It's just a couple more weeks until we'll probably talk.

I will mention the ideation stuff to the therapist. Ick. I hope there's more of me left in the tank somewhere.

[Heather]

Honestly, a lot of the daily life you're describing just sounds like life to me. (Also, I',m sorry your boss sucks, because for sure, that job sounds so great! What a cool thing to do.) But I also get how when you're stressed, when you've just lost something major (for sure, you might be friends again, but you're still dealing with a loss here), when you're depressed, when debt has its foot on your neck every day and when you would probably love your job but the environment sucks that daily life might feel and look like a bummer instead of just...well, life. :/

I don't suppose that you might be able to take yourself on a trip anytime soon? I get it if that's out of reach (it usually is for me, too), but if it's an option, I wonder if something like a hike or campout over a few days, if not more, maybe armed with things like the music you dig and something to write with, might not be good medicine for you. Sounds like you like an adventure, and I can't speak for you, but in major life transitions, I've often found it really helpful when I can to get into a different environment briefly to kind of reset.

[Stuck11]

Thanks Heather. I'm heading home to visit my parents really soon so hopefully that will be a boost. Maybe after that I'll do little walkabout somewhere in Texas. As always, thanks for being there <3 I know it will get better, but the low points are always so startlingly intense and real and convincing. Like for a few minutes or hours you're sure that things are hopeless. Trying to learn how to work through those moments and strangely the keyboard helps.

Btw, I'm jealous of your dog. They're so wonderful.. I've thought about adopting an older pooch but I'm scared I wouldn't be home enough and stress the poor thing out. Hm.

[Heather]

Glad to be here for you, and I get it. Those moments can be really dark and feel terrible, even when they're brief. I hope you get a chance to do that walkabout: that sounds fantastic. (I like hiking, too, so now I'm jealous of you!)

For sure, with dogs, you gotta be able to be around. Someday!