How to be a better partner

[DArwin]

Hello
I was recently broken up with it was because I had offended and hurt her with what I said about her religion I know I shouldn't have done that and did try my best to apologize and want to know how I can do better if I decide to date someone again?

[Jacob]

Hi DArwin,

It is possible you were harsh or insensitive... that can just be a matter of taking more time thinking about what you want to say and what the effect will be.

I do also think there is something to be said for not dating people whose beliefs you disagree with in a deep way.

Is there any ways you think you weren't a good partner?

[DArwin]

I guess I was wasn't supportive of her beliefs. I also think I need to make sure to have clearer communication.

[DArwin]

she told me she gave me many chances but I was never clear on the fact that I was being given chances or that our relationship was that strained.

[Heather]

You know, I think that the question of how to be a better partner, period, isn't often answered well based on ONE partner and one relationship. What one partner says they need from you is very individual and personal, and if you did those things, it may well be you'd be a better partner to THAT person, but wouldn't meet someone else's needs in a different relationship. Know what I mean?

If you want to talk about how to improve as a partner in general, I think we're better off starting with what YOU think you need to work on, rather than what this last person said. What do YOU think could stand improving for you?

[DArwin]

Yes, I understand what you mean by that. I feel like I was always very worried about how the relationship was and that possible hurt the relationship overall slightly because I asked if she wanted to break up a lot. I used to be really jealous but I think I'm fine now because of the therapy I have had. I had a problem trusting he response about the health of the relationship and now since she broke up with me I feel like that problem of not trusting a partners response for how they are liking the relationship what they think of it will be worse.

[DArwin]

Trusting her responses( correction)

[Heather]

So, what I'm hearing you say is that you felt very insecure in your last relationship. Do I have that right? It also sounds like maybe you had a hard time trusting your partner.

If so, do you think that was about that relationship, in particular, or do you think it might be that you need to work some on your own self-esteem and self-confidence, and perhaps also learn how to be less insecure in relationships on the whole, and learn how to better build and hold trust?

[DArwin]

I think I trusted her more in the last few months of our relationship but now that it ended abruptly I don't think I can trust others a well

[DArwin]

I felt insecure early on and this slowly went away

[DArwin]

I think I need to work on my own self-esteem and self- confidence how do that?

[Sam W]

Hi DArwin,

That depends a bit on what the issues with your self-esteem and self-confidence are tied to. For instance, do they stem from feelings about your body or attractiveness? About what you have to offer as a partner or a person? Something else? Too, do you sense he troubles you've had with trust are tied to those feelings? Or did those come from somewhere else in this last relationship?

[DArwin]

I feel like is a bit of all of them

[Sam W]

Okay! So, one starting place may be to brainstorm things you like about yourself, or things that you feel are your strengths. Too, do you have any hobbies or activities you enjoy that make you feel like the "best" version of yourself?

It may also help to look at this article: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/poli ... linity_and. Do you see any parts of yourself or your feelings reflected there?

In relation to how those issues with self-worth tie to trust, it may help to remember that if/when a partner chooses to leave, that often has much more to do with there being a mismatch between what you each want and need, rather than with you not being "enough" for them. You can be an awesome person, but there will still be people who just aren't a good fit for you, and that doesn't inherently diminish how much you matter. Does that make sense?

[DArwin]

yes it does

[DArwin]

But I still don't know how to deal with the last issue of the mistrust and possible trust issue that stemmed from my last relationship

[Sam W]

Well, one starting place (other than working on your own feelings of self-worth) is to look at your non-romantic relationships. Do you have trouble trusting friends? Family members? Or is it only with romantic partners that trust becomes an issue?

[DArwin]

this is only an issue with romantic partners

[Sam W]

Got it. So, when you think about your friends versus your partners, what feels different about romantic relationships that makes trusting the other person more difficult?

[DArwin]

They can cheat. The pressure or advantage of evolutionarily to cheat. Um, they could lie about a lot more important this like how they're feeling about the relationship.

[Heather]

Just as food for thought, people can be dishonest or withhold information in any kind of relationship. People can also break agreements -- like the agreement to be sexually exclusive -- in any kind of relationship. So, if those things only seem to be issues for you in THIS kind of relationship, I think it's probably worth your while to see if you can't figure out why.

One common reason for that kind of difference I often observe is that it seems more common for people to move much faster in romantic or sexual relationships as far as things like intimacy and trust-building and making agreements goes. And when all of that goes super fast, it's often going faster than the people in it can keep up.

That can look like being in a relationship or agreement where you need to trust each other a lot -- like because you're being sexual or sharing other vulnerable parts of yourself -- but haven't had the time to actually start building that trust first. Or, like making an agreement to be exclusive before everyone in a thing actually knows each other and that relationship well enough to know they even want to be exclusive, and to be able to really talk together to come up with specifics of that agreement they feel good about, but also to get a real sense that's what each of you wants: without that, it can be hard to have faith in people honoring those agreements.

Of course, that's only one possibility here. It might also help to look at your life history with these kinds of relationships: have you or someone close to you experienced someone "cheating," for instance? Is there a reason that kind of betrayal feels so scary to you versus other kinds?

[DArwin]

No this was my first relationship so I have never had any previous experience with a cheating partner. I don't know if things moved too fast or not, I know from the first day we agreed to be exclusive and I feel like that was an honest decision and was not rushed ita just how we both felted. I don't not sure if the intimacy part of the relationship went too fast, we were friends for about 4 months before we started dating and she only shared more private and intimate things after a year of being in it.
I have read some materials about evolutionary theory of human behavior in the contexts of sex and it seems like there is a lot of hidden cheating going on in that

[Heather]

I'd say that agreeing to be exclusive on a first date is too soon, honestly. We can have strong initial feelings about someone, but making exclusivity agreements so fast usually is way too fast. You can't even have started to develop the kind of communication skills together we need to even start to make joint agreements with, for one. You also won't know much about your relationship yet (even if you were friends first, because that's not the same kind of relationship) to know what it's like to be in it.

By all means, when it comes to history, monogamy isn't generally the norm, particularly over long periods of time. But that isn't the same as cheating, which is about making specific agreements to be exclusive and then breaking them. (I also don't think that the entire history of people is that useful when we're talking about what you and someone else want in your one relationship.) But, if you want to help avoid cheating, one of the best things you can do is really take your time even making relationships exclusive, because one of the things that seems to enable it to happen most are when people make those agreements (to be exclusive) without really taking a good deal of time first to make sure that's what they both want, and then taking even more time to really talk through all the specifics of those agreements together to land on something everyone feels good about.

But again, I really feel like focusing on this one part relationship isn't a good route to improving as a partner in general, or feeling more secure in relationships, you know?

[DArwin]

Ya, I understand so how can I improve?

[DArwin]

when do you decide to become exclusive?