Can't find my vagina, please help

[belosnezhka]

Hello Scarleteam, I'm 22 years old and I'm a virgin, but I have a boyfriend and we've been dating for 4 and a half years. I didn't want sex until I feel ready, and we waited patiently, and now I finally feel ready. I want it to happen. So we tried a few days ago...But it didn't work! We're very comfortable with each other and had a lot of foreplay, and everything seemed ok...but when he tried to 'enter', he couldn't. He's also a virgin so he didn't really know where to put it, and the fact that I'm a virgin and also didn't really know the exact place, made things really difficult. He tried helping me with his finger, but everytime I try to touch down there it seems so delicate and it doesn't feel like it's a place where I'm supposed to insert anything, and I know it is!...I don't know if I'm being clear. Because I couldn't let him help me, we decided to wait a little more and he suggested that I tried to 'explore' my body by myself first, and tried to gradually insert one finger there.
I couldn't insert one finger, only putting my finger there scares me, I don't know exactly why, but I think it's because even though I KNOW it's a vagina and it can fit a penis in, and it can even stretch itself enough to deliver a baby, I have this sensation that there's something wrong if I touch there.
Then I decided to see it before, I wanted to see the opening of my vagina. But when I look with a mirror I can't see a thing! I tried spreading the labia (they're a bit long so it's difficult) the widest I could, still when I look all I see is this: the labias spread and between them, a really really really tight gap (from bottom to top), that I barely can see what's in there. I know the 'hole' is there somewhere but I can't see nor feel anything like a hole...towards the bottom is where I think it should be located, but the skin there seems to be...closed? When I went to the obgyn to ask about a discharge (that she said was normal), she said my hymen was intact (she was teaching her assistant)...but I can't see it. It's just so tiny...If I don't have the courage to stick a finger in there, I don't think I would be able to have sex...? (is this correct?)
Sorry if I wrote too much, I tried my best to explain it....
I would like to know how I can effectively find the right place..or if you can recommend me some safe site where I can see images of real vaginas, because the illustrations didn't help me. And how can I overcome my fear of inserting things there?
Thank you in advance! (And sorry if my english was incorrect, it's not my first language.)

[Heather]

The vaginal opening is not really a hole, so much as an opening that only is as wide as anything inside of it at the time. So, it is something that you probably would better first find by feeling with your fingers than by looking, ir by using fingers while looking, better still. Even when looking at other people's vulvas, unless they are inserting something into the vaginal opening, you are not likely to see what looks like a hole, because again, it really is not a hole. And if you have a hymen/corona that is still mostly intact, this may be especially challenging. Did the doctor who said as much express any concern about it being inflexible or too resilient for entry? Did you ask her any of what you are asking here?

You say you feel afraid to do that, which says to me that entry with a partner seems awfully far ahead of your comfort level. You say you two have engaged in what you are calling "a lot of foreplay." Has any of this included things with your genitals, like manual sex - using hands and fingers with your genitals - or oral sex that was about your genitals, not his?

What do you feel like you are afraid of, and what do you think would make you feel unafraid? You said you have been to an OB/GYN. How about going back and asking that provider to give you this education, and show you, with a mirror, and either her gloved finger or your own, this anatomy?

[belosnezhka]

Ok, so I have to touch it not try to see it.
We did everything but inserting fingers down there...oral, touching and everthing, but it felt weird when he tried inserting his finger. I'm okay with touching the vulva and everthing but that "gap" feels weird...it feels like the skin is very thin, and that I shouldn't force anything in there. Do you understand? Is it normal to feel this way?
What I tried to say is that I'm mentally prepared to TRY, and that now I feel like having sex, which wasn't the case before. And I really think I would be more comfortable having my boyfriend finger me than inserting my own finger there.
About the obgyn, I can think about it but I find it really embarrassing, that's why I came here to ask first.
Thank you for your reply =)

[Heather]

I think I understand, and by all means, I think you are right in thinking that forcing anything inside your vagina is not a great idea. Less physically, even, than emotionally.

Here is something to know, though: when someone with a vagina is relaxed and also sexually excited, and actually wanting something inside the vagina, the vaginal canal and opening gradually loosens and the muscles of and around it actually gently pull whatever is going inside of it inside. It is often more subtle than wildly obvious, that sensation and movement, but my point is, none of this should be about pushing or forcing. And it sure does not have to be.

Personally, I have a pretty strong opinion that if people feel too scared to touch themselves, having someone else do it usually is not so wise. From what I have observed from people in this spot in the yars I have done this work, feeling comfortable with ones own body first is really very important when it comes to sexual readiness with someone else. It also is pretty hard to be anything but passive in sex, rather than a mutal, equal participant, if it is all about someone else doing and you being done to, if you can follow me there. These are your choices, and you do not have to agree with me. That's just my two cents for you from the sex ed trenches.

It sounds, though, like there might be some good middle ground here. You seem to express feeling safer in your body and sexuality when your boyfriend is present. If I have that right, what about both of you really taking more time to explore your sexual anatomy together, like you with your finger when he is there? And this can be something you do not do all at once, like just stroking the area arohnd your vaginal opening one day, another maybe putting just a fingertip inside, etc. Or, when he is engaging in oral sex with your genitals, having lights on so you both can get a better sense of what your anatomy is?

It sounds like it also may be helpful to know that, again, when someone is relaxed, excited, and also well lubricated, the tissue of your vulva and vagina may be thin in spots, but it is incredibly stretchy and flexible. So, hurting yourself when you, or both of you, are being gentle, and only doing any of this when you feel comfortable and very turned on is not at all likely.

[Giselle01]

I kinda have the same problem, were you ever able to solve this? T.T

[Nicole]

Hi Giselle01,

Welcome to the boards! I’m not sure if you noticed but the thread that you responded on is from 2014 so this user will most likely not see your question. I recommend starting your own thread with your inquiries so we can help you out. Is that okay with you?