I’m so confused about everything

[sky]

Hi they told me to come here from text
I’m struggling with my sexuality and I want to be with a guy so I can forget about girls and I’m a Virgin and I’m 22 and I feel bad about it. Last night I was talking with someone about having sex because he said he would do what I wanted to be done but like I’m not ready. I just want human contact. And like I get that from guys by only talking sexual and I feel like they will only like me if I do that or like have sex with them. I hate that I feel like this and I know I’m not alone but I feel so alone and misunderstood and my brain is like in overload over this all.

[Sam W]

Hi Mel,

Thank you for moving this over from text!

So, there are a few different things to talk about here, but I want to start by checking in about how you're feeling about your sexuality. You mention you want to be with a guy specifically so you can forget about girls. Are you feeling that way because the fact that you're attracted to women is anxiety producing for you? Or some other reason? Is your sexual orientation overall a source of anxiety for you?

That desire for human contact can be really strong, especially if you've been without it for awhile. But it's also a desire that can be fulfilled through many channels, ones that you may be way more ready for. Can you give me a sense of what your social circle is like? Do you have friends who you're really close with?

[sky]

Me liking girls is a lot of anxiety and I’m trying so hard to forget about it but I just can’t. When when I masterbate I think about them and I want that to stop too so I won’t do that anymore. I don’t have a lot of friends but I do have some girl friends who I’m super comfortable with and do a lot with and I talk to them about this and they say don’t rush it. I know that, that’s just not a helpful thing to say so I just kind of stopped talking to everyone about it

[Sam W]

Okay, can you tell me a little more about why liking girls is a source of anxiety for you?

With your friends, it might help to think about what kind of closeness your craving when you think about having sex. Is it physical (and not necessarily sexual)? Emotional? Something else? Then, you can think about whether there are ways to get those kinds of closeness from your interactions with friends. That way, you're getting that need for contact filled without doing something you know you're not ready for.

[sky]

I hate that I’m into girls so much. I hate it so much and I hate myself for it. I just need to forget about them. So I need to get drunk and get with a guy. I don’t want too but its what I need to do in order to be happy with myself.
Thank you for talking to me I really appreciate it

[sky]

I’m looking for a physical connection although that scares me, that someone would be that close to me. But I want to have that sensation with another person. I know it’ll be emotional for me and that’s what scares me. I’m very emotional and close with my friends and I do enjoy that but I have that enough with them. Sorry there’s 2 things I said in response

[Sam W]

I would strongly caution against getting drunk so you can have sex with a guy for several different reasons. The first is that alcohol introduces legal issues of consent into the mix, since someone who is under the influence technically can't consent. Secondly, if you have to get drunk in order to want to do something that's a pretty good sign it's not actually a thing you want.

But, more importantly, sleeping with a guy is not going to make your desires for women go away. Sexual orientation is a mixture of different factors, and you can't change how you feel deep down just by sleeping with a certain gender. So odds are you'll open yourself up to the emotional and physical risks of sex, only to find out that it didn't do what you were hoping it would. Which will probably leave you feeling even crummier than you did before. You deserve far more kindness and support for yourself than that scenario presents.

Are those feelings of hate for your desires tied to beliefs about women who are attracted to other women? If so, where do you think those feelings of hate come from?

[sky]

I know I don’t want it. A last weekend I was drunk at a bar and this guy was touching me a lot like my thighs and then he started to touch my boobs and I wasn’t okay with it but I wanted to like it so I let it happen but then I ended up getting scared because I didn’t like it and he was moving really fast. At this time I don’t really care if any of the sex is safe and I don’t know why. And no I love the gays, I just don’t want to be irregular, I feel like something is wrong with me for these feelings

[Sam W]

You're certainly not the first person to be okay with LGBT people but feel not-so-great about your own identity. In case it's helpful to hear, there is nothing wrong with being attracted to your own gender. It's just one of the many ways humans can and do experience attraction. And, same-gender attraction is not as irregular as you might think; plenty of people are lesbian, or gay, or bisexual, or pansexual, and so on (and even if it was uncommon, that doesn't make it wrong). Have you done any reading or work on learning to be more comfortable with your identity and your desires? If not, is that something you'd like help with?

I'm so sorry that guy chose to push past your boundaries and was moving too fast for you. Have you told anybody, like your friends, about what happened?

I'm hearing a lot self-hate in what you've posted, and it almost sounds like some of what's going on is not feeling like you deserve to have the desires you do, or to have things like safe, enjoyable sex. So, I wanted to check: have you ever spoken to someone like a mental healthcare provider?

[sky]

I’ve tried and like I know I’m lesbian without having to act on anything I don’t know what else to do about it.

Yes I’ve told some people about it and they said I need to say stop next time but I honestly didn’t even think about it at the time.

I do hate myself and I do have one but I don’t have health insurance right now. Honestly I just want to die. But I’m okay

[Heather]

I'm afraid we just don't have the resources or ability to help users feeling suicidal with that, and need to hold a line there (and that's extra the case when I'm our available staff, since I've both survived the loss of loved ones due to suicide and am a suicidal person myself, so it cues a LOT of trauma for me). Please do use resources that are available for those dealing with suicidal feelings, like the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline -- 1-800-273-8255 -- or the Crisis Textline -- Text CONNECT to 741741 -- okay?

Those of us who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, queer or anything other than heterosexual are not "irregular." We're really not, I promise. We're just not heterosexual, that's all. The idea that's the only thing that normal while everything else isn't isn't based in any kind of facts: it's primarily just based in prejudice.

Can I ask if this is something where you do or would have support from your family or friends? What do you think makes you think it's not okay for you -- but apparently the rest of us? -- to be something besides straight? And why do you think you feel like it's okay for the rest of us but not for you?

[sky]

I’m sorry I triggered you. I’m not okay but I’m okay.

I am supported but I don’t know. I just don’t know. So you’re saying sex with men won’t make me feel better? I keep feeling like it will solve everything.

Yesterday I orgasmed for the first time ever and it was with myself and I feel so guilty. Is that okay? I feel like I’m bad

[Heather]

I appreciate that, but you don't have to be sorry. You feel how you feel, and I completely understand how all-encompassing that can be, truly.

I would be very surprised if sex with men changed anything for you here, save giving you one more thing to feel terrible about, particularly since you're clear you don't actually want to sleep with men, and to do so, you'd have to intoxicate yourself to even get through it.

You may or may not know about a particularly terrible bit of history -- which is sadly still current in some places -- where something called "corrective rape" was pushed on lesbian or otherwise queer women to try and "fix" us. Not only has that not ever changed anyone's orientation (though it certainly made many people not want to have anything to do with sex with anyone, ever), forcing a person or oneself into unwanted sex is typically deeply traumatic, and, of course, abusive when it's not a choice. If anything, I'd just expect you to leave sex with men you forced yourself into to make you dislike men more, not women, you know?

Plus, understand that those men are also people, so involving them in this in this way also isn't treating them very well, either, let alone treating yourself poorly, you know what I mean? Being nonconsensually involved in someone trying to "cure" themselves of their orientation would be a pretty horrible thing to discover you were part of. And by all means, anyone who would willingly be part of this is probably a pretty messed up person who isn't safe to be sexual with in the first place.

I hear you talking about a lot of shame around your sexuality on the whole. Orgasm and other parts of human sexual response are literally natural in the same way that, say, breathing or peeing or eating are, in that they are just things the body does. They don't really have values -- good, bad, etc. -- unless people put those values on them. Otherwise, they're just bodily functions. Know what I mean?

Do you have any sense of where are this sexual fear and shame has come from for you? Is it a way you have been raised, in your family or community?

[sky]

I do understand you. Thank you for being so nice to me.

Well I fingered my clit and like I really really liked it and it lasted for the whole day I felt so happy and energetic but I also felt bad. (Sorry tmi)

I’m not sure, it’s something that I put on myself honestly. I never had a sex talk with anyone until my manager and I talked about it at the age of 18. I just was kind of thought sex was bad? My mom never told me anything besides it goes fast and literally that’s what she told me and I’m like not sure what I was supposed to do with that info, she also told me to wrap it unless I want to get pregnant which also isn’t the best way to say it. My manager taught me about safe sex with guys and kinda with girls because she was the first person I came out to and she helped me a lot with it but like not enough because I’m on here looking stupid talking to a stranger on the internet at 22 years old asking how to handle these feelings it’s really pathetic of me. But seriously thank you, you have no idea how much this is helping

[Heather]

This stuff isn't TMI here, it's okay. This is a place to talk about sex by design, so it's all good. I also absolutely do not think you are or look stupid or pathetic: taking steps to take care of ourselves and get help and support when we need it are brave and smart things to do! It's also super common for people to only be at the start of figuring all of this kind of stuff out at your age, so no shame there, either, okay?

Total silence about sex -- no real sex information or education, period -- can, and often does, absolutely leave a lot of people with shame around sex. It also sounds like what your mother did tell you about sex was pretty sex-negative, and also very heterocentric. By all means, when people are in wanted sexual interactions or relationships, it's usually something people WANT to take time with and enjoy, not like a shot at the doctors that "happens" to one person and another does, and is over quickly.

Too, it sounds like the sex talk you have had up until now was also very focused on safety, only, and not on pleasure, so I can understand why you'd feel weird or uncomfortable addressing pleasure, even alone. Again, it's easy to feel like something is wrong with us when something we're experiencing has just been very strongly not addressed at all.

[Heather]

(Just FYI, this week I'm out of town doing some lecturing and workshops at a college, so I do have to step out for the rest of the day from the boards, soon. But one of our volunteers -- birds_chirping -- is around and happy to pick this up with you. She's also pretty darn great.

[sky]

I’m happy to talk with them!

Yes it’s been super crappy that I was never told anything. I literally just found out yesterday that masturbation is normal. And like obviously I long for it.

I have a guy in my life and we’re friends but last night we were talking and things got sexual and he asked how I orgasm and what I was like and I responded with the true answer and then he asked me what i wanted I said to be gone down on and sex and that’s like all and he said he had not problem doing it and that it can be done in a car. I was kinda like okay... and then he said that he could sneak into my house (I live with my grandparents and he knows that) for a quick session and I don’t really know what to do, I told him I’m not ready but he said he is when I am (he’s a virgin as well) so I’m nervous he won’t know what he’s doing and it’ll just be awkward and not pleasurable.

Also, is it normal to want to scream while orgasm? Because yesterday I wanted to scream. I feel weird about that like what if it happens when I’m with someone?

I’ve never even been naked with someone before so all this is new and I know you all say age is not important bit like I feel so behind on everyone and everything

[sky]

Also. As a kid my mom always said that she didn’t think bisexuality is real and so sometimes i feel things for men and I do for girls too and I feel like it has to be one or the other in order to like make sense. I thought I was bi for a long time and I didn’t want to be open with it because I thought it was not real. But it is real and I don’t know what I am I think I’m gay I don’t know I don’t know

[Heather]

I’m going to leave you in the capable hands of Amanda/birds_chirping, but I do want to tell you that a) your mother simply was wrong about bisexuality not being real, because it very much is for a great many people and b) that I absolutely accept and validate you and your sexual identity, whether it is bisexual, pansexual, queer, gay, lesbian or however you want to identify, now or in the future.

You’re real, and so is your identity, whatever it is.

[sky]

Thank you Heather, so much that means a lot to me I think I shouldn’t let her have so much power over me.

Can Amanda answer all my stuff from the message above. I hate I’m sharing this much but like it’s all my anxieties and I’m happy to be getting them out.

[Amanda F]

Hi Mel! Amanda here!

I want to echo what Heather wrote and say - You. Are. Normal!

Bi people exist, lesbians exist, queer people exist, every sexuality is real and exists and is VALID. You are valid. You are normal and worthy of celebration! <3 I know it can be hard to change how we feel about ourselves, but I hope you will repeat this to yourself every day, because it's true.

I hear a lot of self-judgement and self-shaming about sexuality or even asking questions about sexuality. It's okay - we are glad you're here. This is literally why we work/volunteer here - because we want to answer your questions. Most of us didn't get good sex ed either, so we are really happy to be able to offer you advice and support! Please don't be upset at yourself. You don't deserve that - you only deserve kindness and compassion.

About your other questions:

Masturbation is normal, and so is the desire to masturbate. It is SUPER common. Unfortunately a lot of the messaging around masturbation is negative and shame-based, so I'm not surprised to hear that you just found out it's a normal thing to do. That's not your fault, and you're not "behind" at all - that's the fault of our crappy sex education. So no worries about that. I think it's great that you have discovered something new about yourself, and that you are taking your body into your own hands (no pun intended ). After all, it's your body, and only YOU get to decide what you want to do with it.

Orgasms come in all kinds, and they can be intense - so wanting to scream is also normal. Some people yell, some people moan, some people even cry. And some people do none of those things. How ever you feel before/during/after an orgasm is fine and a unique expression of you. Good partners will understand that orgasms (and sex, generally) can create different expressions and feelings in different people, and they'll be happy to support and enjoy you whichever way you are.

I also want to echo what Heather and Sam have said about not rushing into things, especially if you aren't excited or looking forward to them. One of the best things about sexuality is that you don't have to do ANYTHING you don't want to, and you get to choose to pursue experiences that you think will be fulfilling and create happiness and joy in your life. I hear you when you say you are having some challenging feelings about your sexuality/sexual orientation (and will repeat again, you are normal - all sexual orientations are normal - there is nothing wrong with you), but I don't think that pushing yourself to have an experience that you don't want (sex with a man) will help those feelings. Many people who identify as gay/lesbian have had sexual experiences with a person who wasn't the same gender as they were, and basically all of them have said that having that experience didn't remove or change their attraction to the same gender.

Rather than have a sexual experience with this friend of yours - what do you think about putting that on pause, and instead exploring solo sex (masturbation) a bit more? Part of telling your future partners what you like (so that they can give you pleasure, if you want it) is figuring out what you like on your own. Exploring and experimenting with your own body can be really interesting and fun. There's some additional info here on masturbation, too, which might help in your exploration. Going Solo: The Basics of Masturbation How does that idea sit with you?

We also have some pretty swell articles on the website that might be helpful regarding your decision of having sex (at all, with anyone). One of them is Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist. Here's one question I'm really curious to hear your answer to, regarding sex with your friend and/or with other men:

"Do I want to have this kind/these kinds of sex for myself, physically, emotionally and intellectually? Do the other person's physical, emotional and intellectual wants also seem in alignment?"

What do you think?

[sky]

There’s a lot there THANK YOU!

I appreciate you all being so supportive to me about my sexuality.

What if I like sex with a guy more then I thought I would?

I am doing it because I want to be straight so I don’t know how to answer that question but that’s my answer it’s more of a mental thing to help me with.

As far as solo sex, he and I were talking and he said something and I was like uh the clit helllloooo and he was like oh yeah of course but I feel like he wouldn’t be able to meet my needs but it’s also like, not hard? I definitely was done in like 2 minutes yesterday and like that’s okay but like I want my experience to last longer then 2 minutes, will further solo sex help me last longer? Also, what’s the stuff that comes out after I’m done?? Like all day it kept coming out is that okay?

He said he would let me scream but I feel weird about it

[sky]

Also, i feel great the same day after I masturbate but like today I feel like i need more and I’m not wanting to do it everyday because isn’t that bad. What if I get bored of my fingers because I do it to much?

[Amanda F]

Hi Mel,

I can't tell you whether you would like sex with a guy or not - that's an individual experience. I can say, though, that the reasons we pursue experiences DO affect their outcome. If you felt emotionally, intellectually, and/or physically excited at the thought of having sex with a guy, then you might like sex with them. But it sounds like you want to have sex with guys to try and change who you are, not because you're excited at the thought of having sex with them. That doesn't sound like a recipe for a positive or pleasurable experience. You deserve to have sexual experiences that excite you and that you WANT to have emotionally, intellectually, and physically.

And like Heather said, your potential partners (guys and gals included) are real people who also deserve to have sex with someone who is equally excited to have sex with them and also desire a mutually enjoyable and pleasurable experience. So that's something to consider in your reasons for having sex, too!

I'm really curious to hear from you why you don't want to have sexual feelings toward women. I know you feel like it's a bad thing; where do you think those feelings might be coming from, besides the negative messaging you got from your mother? I think this advice column could be really helpful, as it comes from someone who had a really similar experience to you: I think I might be bisexual, but I really do not want to be.

By the way, it might sound a little strange, but your sexuality isn't actually only about sex itself. It's pretty complex and a lot of things are responsible for creating it. So the kind of sex you have, or the partners you have it with, aren't the only things that decide your sexuality. A person who identifies as a lesbian and then has sex with a man doesn't suddenly become straight. You can read more about sexuality and all its components here: Sexuality: WTF Is It, Anyway? And by the way, questioning your sexuality is also completely normal.

When you say say "stuff that comes out", do you mean that you get wet? If so, that's a type of vaginal secretion (also normal!). Vaginas are amazing! They secrete various substances at many times - during day-to-day life, because of sexual arousal, etc. It can last for a long time after you masturbate. And getting wet doesn't always happen when you're turned on, or vice versa. Here's a guide to all the secretions vaginas can produce: Honorably Discharged: A Guide to Vaginal Secretions And one more: Sex is no place to be dry.

Everyone has different frequencies of masturbation, from never to once a month to every day of the week and more. If you feel great after you masturbate, then that seems like a good reason to do it! There's nothing wrong with it. The guide I gave you earlier talks about different ways of masturbating and exploring your body, so there's lots to try. If you did find yourself getting bored with your fingers, how would you feel about using a sex toy or vibrator?

[sky]

I don’t want to be at family functions with a girlfriend. My family is pretty religious and they support me somewhat, more then half my family has stated that they don’t support it and if I got married to one they wouldn’t come to it al all. I’m scared to be in public with one, I’m super like lovey with my friends but we won’t touch like at places we say we love each other and we laugh a lot but it’s obvious we aren’t dating. I check girls out and they know and they sometimes give me dirty looks. I don’t know what to do, like sexually, I don’t understand how kissing can go to a tongue in a vagina like the same way I can’t understand how kissing leads to someone on top humping. I don’t really get any of it. Also like I realize girls have a lot happening and I like that I would truly love to learn how she works and thinks and just took look into a girls eyes makes my heart melt and it makes me so nervous. Looking at girls gives me more feeling and satisfaction as my whole year relationship with my ex (man). I just don’t want it to be real because of the stuff at the beginning. Like I came out and then comments were made at thanksgiving and my grandpa needed help with something like heavy lifting and my cousin said “come on be a good lesbian like your sister” and that’s like not okay. It made me cry. I also don’t want to hurt her with my uncertainty of this