Friend with Benefits, turned crush...

[KittyPink]

So there's this guy, I originally met him on a dating app, although, we started talking and became friends, and then we decided to mess around in the woods (probably not the best place to do stuff, but ehhhh, it's still better than a public bathroom), and so we've been talking for three months and more recently I've started having butterflies around him and just like missing him and wanting to be with him even if we weren't messing around and having sex, although I'm not gonna lie he makes me feel amazing when we do, in fact he's letting me top him next week and we're both excited, so there's definitely that compatibility, but I was talking to him earlier tonight and me and him are getting lunch tomorrow before I have to go to work, and I plan on telling him that I have feelings for him and want to talk about starting a relationship of some sort outside of just being friends with benefits, but I'm honestly afraid of what this might do if he says no, so like how do I prepare if he says no?

[Sam W]

Hi Kittypink,

It's super sound that you're thinking about how to handle possible rejection ahead of time, since that can make it at least a little bit easier to deal with. One thing that might is practicing what you'll say ahead of time, both for what you want to tell him about your changing feelings and what you'll say if he doesn't feel the same way. You can also find a bunch of advice on how to handle rejection in this article: What's in a No?.

Too, just to check, are the two of you picking where to be sexual because more private locations aren't safe for you (I know you've had some fraught stuff at home in the past)?

[KittyPink]

To the last question, sort of, mainly because my grandmother's kinda absitence minded, if you get what I mean. I really don't want to explain why he's in my bedroom most of the time (I haven't told her anything about him other than he's a "friend") or staying the night and I'd have to ask about him staying the night and I feel like the answer's likely going to be a no.

[Ruby S]

Hi, KittyPink! Hope it's okay that I'm hopping in on this topic.

I agree with Sam about rehearsing what you would want to say to this guy. Feeling centered and grounded when you go into a conversation like this is super important, as well as being flexible and understanding that you've had fun so far and that doesn't have to necessarily end even if you're on different pages.

One article that I think you might find helpful is Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board, and Navigate a Healthy Relationship. (Not sure how to hyperlink it, so I'll just paste the link here: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/abus ... lationship)

I also try and go into situations where I know I might be rejected not hoping for any result from the other person (easier said than done), but deciding that I can surrender control of everything except myself and the feelings I carry and that I am well equipped to process disappointment or sadness without projecting that onto the other person, even if I'm nervous about it. If I can truly believe beforehand that whatever happens, I'll be okay, the idea of being rejected becomes less scary. I also might try and remember that just as easy as this person came into your life, you never know when someone else will as well - and if this person isn't the one for you, there are so many more chances to meet someone who will want to engage with you the same way you do with them. All we can hope for is that the person we're being authentic with will be authentic in return for us. Does that resonate for you at all?

I'm wondering - have you had conversations where you've felt rejected before, about relationships or anything else? If so, what do you remember about that time that you could either carry to this situation and do differently, or what worked well for you? <3

[KittyPink]

He's saying that he's got too much going on to have a relationship like that right now, which is understandable considering he's in college and trying to pay off debt from bills and other shit, but he's more concerned about keeping me away from his problems. Me and him are still talking farther, but like I'm getting the vibe he might be genuinely just not wanting me to get intertwined with his problems right now. (I mean emotionally I'm okay with dealing them, but it's a joint decision there and I kinda wanna tell home even if we got into a relationship we still both have personal problems to work on, but like with the emotional support of the other.) It's freezing out and unless I'm able to convince my grandmother to let him stay over (which would be incredibly convenient for him since I live extremely close to the community college he goes to) I won't be able to see him in person for awhile.

[Sam W]

Hi Kittypink,

While that wasn't the answer you were hoping for, it does sound like the two of you are able to talk about it openly and without it torpedoing your current relationship, which is a really positive outcome. Is there a way we can best support you around this right now?

[KittyPink]

Hi Kittypink,

While that wasn't the answer you were hoping for, it does sound like the two of you are able to talk about it openly and without it torpedoing your current relationship, which is a really positive outcome. Is there a way we can best support you around this right now?

Maybe just figuring out how to deal with not being able to see him for awhile and like more importantly about talking with my grandmother about him maybe staying over for the night (before I start asking for whole weeks), I guess.

[Gone.Sorry.]

Before you start getting too invested in working out living arrangements for him - has he expressed an interest/comfort in living with you and your grandmother while he goes to college? Have you two talked about this or are you just thinking of trying to offer it? And is he thinking couch surfing while it's cool or would he want/be more comfortable with a more official agreed upon tenancy where he pays some rent and does some chores?

I've found that a good way to cope with missing someone is to treat yourself kindly and do other things that make you happy and spend time with other people who make you happy. Put some time into a neglected hobby, try something new, make specific plans with friends to hang out and go do stuff - just take care of yourself and make sure you're doing things you enjoy that help fulfill your own emotional needs.

[Jacob]

Hi KittyPink it's great you've started thinking of different options that could work and how a productive conversation could work.

Not always, but often as part of an open conversation, I think offering things or asking for things can come a little later into the conversation if it feels appropriate.

I've found it's often really useful to start by spending some time listening, and maybe considering what questions could help him talk about things that would help that 'listening' take place. They could be questions about where he is coming from or what he's feeling and what his concerns/hopes are broadly.

Any idea what those questions could be? Is there any of this you'd like to hear more of from his perspective?

I know personally, my instinct is to jump in and want to express all the things, but I've learnt really how much more productive it can be, andt also how much lower the pressure on me can become if I focus on saying less, and listening more - especially for the beginning of the conversation. I don't know if this is something you can relate to?