Bleeding after sex even though we're doing everything right

[xocat]

19 year old here, had PIV sex with my boyfriend for the first time last week and again this week.

The first time we did it, it took an embarrassing amount of time and trying about four different positions to actually get him inside me. I had kinda worried that was going to happen, since I can't even fit a Ultra tampon in there without pain, but I wrote it off as "eh, all bodies are different" and sort of expected it to fix itself by the time I had sex. But even with lots of foreplay to get me pretty drenched beforehand and me on top so I could go slow and control the pace, it hurt a fair bit. I kept going, because we correctly figured the pain would wear off and it was a sex act we both really wanted to do. And once he was all the way in after a few seconds I was all good.

Went to the bathroom an hour later and...blood. Not THAT much blood, like think wiping on the second to last day of your period, but blood. It only came out when I wiped, and there was nothing in my underwear except one tiny smear the next morning. We just had sex a few hours ago again, and it was mostly the same story except with moderately less pain this time. It still hurts though, and I bled again just as much if not more. I thought this would be better the second time around.

I'm pretty aroused beforehand and very wet, and we're going nice and slow. Some of the articles here say it's because of injuries and tears, but...how?

The only thing I can think of is that yeah, I'm usually a tiny bit nervous before we have sex, but I'm a bit of a nervous person by nature because I have mild generalized anxiety, I'm trying my best to relax, and I'm super comfortable around my boyfriend. Short of popping a Xanax every time I want to get down I'm not sure we can really do anything about that.

So what say you? My boyfriend is rather worried it's his fault for some reason, and I would really like to have painless sex. Is this probably going to resolve itself if I just wait and see, or should I go to the doctor? I'm also fully prepared to be told "yup, that's just how you're built, there's nothing wrong with you but you'll probably never be able to fit a penis in there without a little pain going in."

Thanks!

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, xocat. I'm sorry that you're both feeling so worried and stressed about this. I'll do my best to help.

First, I'm hearing what sound like a couple things in the mix -- or missing from the mix -- that might be part of what's up here. It's unlikely any of this is about "how you're built."

The first is the expectation that body parts just slide into each other easily, and that's it's unusual or problematic for it to take some experimenting to make things work: it's not. This is how all kinds of sex most often go in reality, especially when we're either new to one another as partners, new to a given kind of sex together, or both. Often, that experimentation won't even just be for one time of being sexual together, but over days, weeks, months, and then, even when we really know each other's bodies and how they work together well, there will still be times we need to experiment again, whether that's about trying new things, or about something changing with us or our bodies. Experimentation like you had is normal and nothing to feel ashamed about. But if you felt embarrassed and flustered, you probably felt more anxious and less aroused than you could have been, which can result in things like it not feeling great or some bleeding. Same goes with you talking about how you felt nervous, period.

The second is that I don't hear about you using any lubricant in here. It sounds like you're saying you did a bunch of things to get your body to lubricate, but often our own lubrication just doesn't do the trick, especially when and if we're new to this, and extra-especially if there are condoms involved. Our own bodies lubrication just isn't as slippery and protective as the good stuff that's store-bought, alas.

The third is that when things hurt, instead of stopping, you kept going. The way to deal with pain with sex isn't to keep going and to wait for it to stop, but to stop what's hurting. That is how we stop the pain. Then you can either try something different -- be that a different way of having intercourse or a different kind of sex altogether -- or just stop for the day. If we keep doing something painful, it usually stays or gets more painful. That pain might have also been from abrasion, which is why the bleeding may have happened.

Lastly, it sounds like you might have moved to having intercourse without trying other kinds of sex with vaginal entry first that can be more gradual. have you two engaged in manual sex, for instance, where he's just using one finger for entry to see how that feels and to get used to that? Or vaginal entry sex with a toy that's considerably smaller than his penis?

[xocat]

Two and even three fingers are fine, weirdly enough.

[Siân]

Okay! It sounds like you have some ideas about what feels good and comfortable for you.

What about the rest of Heather's suggestions? I think their point about not doubling down on pain is a really important one - keeping going when it hurts can sometimes make it MORE likely to hurt in future, as your body might be expecting it and prevent you from getting relaxed, y'know?

[xocat]

We'll definitely try lube and not pushing through the pain.

[Amanda F]

The first time we did it, it took an embarrassing amount of time and trying about four different positions to actually get him inside me.

Heather's already mentioned this, but I want to reinforce that however you are is just *good.* If you need an HOUR of foreplay (which, by the way, can be just as much fun as penetration if not more) to have intercourse that is pain-free and comfortable, then...you need an hour and that is FINE! There is zero shame in taking as much time as you need.

I've spent so much time trying to rush myself to be ready before my body was actually ready, and it made for a lot of uncomfortable and painful sex. I told myself that was normal - after all, that's the messaging I received. But sex shouldn't hurt. Honor your body and take joy and pleasure in giving it what it needs to be comfortable and relaxed, even if it seems like it's "too much." It's not too much. You get to take however much time you want.

[xocat]

Update (sorry I keep harassing you guys): we bought some lube and amped up the foreplay even more! It definitely helped the pain, now it's just a slightly sharp twinge that fades very quickly. Yay!

It did not, however, help the bleeding. We were caught up in the moment and didn't notice at the time, but there was a lot of blood after we finished. On our hands, on my thighs, but especially on the bed and the condom. These are large stains— we switched positions a couple times and the staining followed us, and a couple were deep enough to soak through my throw blanket and onto the sheets. He didn't think anything of it and figured it was my period starting but it's not, because that started on the 16th and was basically over. There was a little spotting Friday and nothing at all during the day yesterday. (The sex happened very late last night). If there was just the amount of blood there was the last two times, I'd chalk it up to the last dregs of period, but I'm pretty sure this amount can't be explained by that.

I have an appointment with my university clinic to get the patch on Friday, so I'm going to ask then but I would just like to see if you guys have any theories.

[Ruby S]

Hi, Xocat! You aren't harassing us at all, just trying to get some clarity. I'm so glad that lube and foreplay is helping your pain! That's so good to hear - keep having fun with foreplay, experimenting with different things that you can do. It makes a huge difference.

Good on you for going to ask a medical professional about the bleeding. I wouldn't rule out period blood altogether, but it sounds like you think it's likely not that. The vaginal walls are made out of thin tissue and mucous membranes like the inside of one's mouth, and when they're rubbed repeatedly, sometimes that can cause tearing or bleeding. And since there's a lot of blood vessels in the genital area, and when someone's aroused their blood is flowing there even more than it typically is, a little opening can lead to what looks like a significant amount of bleeding.

Have you been tested recently? You might want to get tested soon if you can just to check for any STIs that make the vaginal walls thinner and more susceptible to tears, like gonorrhea or chlamydia.

There's more information that you might find helpful here: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... ntercourse