relationship problems

[slsj0511]

Is it too much to ask my boyfriend not to do sexual things and to ask him to stop pressuring me? He indirectly keeps on saying what he wants and he says if it's too much then i should just break things off. Plus I'm asking him to not smoke. I know its his life but he has heart problems so it scares me to see him smoke so much. Am I being to much by asking for all these things?

[Sam W]

Hi slsj0511 ,

The short answer is no, you're not being "too much" by asking for boundaries within the relationship. That's especially true with asking a partner to respect your limits when it comes to sex. A safe, respectful partner will not make you feel guilty for setting limits. When you say he's pressuring you, can you tell me a bit more about that? Is it that you've tried to set the limits you need only for him to push past them or keep nagging you until you give in? Or is it more that he suggests that if you have those limits and keep to them, he'll leave?

Too, can you give me a sense of how your relationship is in general? It might be helpful to check out this article and see how your relationship with him sounds: Does Your Relationship Need a Checkup?.

With smoking, there's a limit to what you can do, because at a certain point it's up to him what substances he chooses to use. However, it's okay to ask for things like him not smoking around you, or mention to him that you're worried about how it could interact with other parts of his health.

[slsj0511]

Hi Sam,

Sorry for the late reply. For some reason my ip kept on getting blocked.. Well I've had like a bad experience before and because of this I find it difficult to have sex. He knows about this but he keeps pressuring me to do certain things. He doesn't say it directly but he says it indirectly many times, so it's more that he nags rather than threatens to leave. Recently he says that if i give him oral sex then he won't ask for anything else.. I am not comfortable with this and he knows but he still asks. For me, if something hurts the person I love, I would never do the thing that hurts them..

[Sam W]

No worries!

That nagging you describe sounds incredibly stressful and wearing. It also is considered coercion in many ways, because what he's doing is trying to wear you down into saying yes to sexual things he knows you don't want to do.

To be honest, he doesn't sounds like he's a safe person for you to be dating. As you pointed out yourself, part of caring about someone and being a good partner is respecting the limits the set and not trying to wear down those limits for the sake of something you want. Since it sounds like he's not willing to offer you and your boundaries that kind of respect, that's a sign it's time to end the relationship. When you think about doing that, how does it make you feel?

[slsj0511]

The thing is I always have a thought at the back of my head that things arent right but I love him so much. This sounds really dumb. I go through phases where i feel like i should leave but then I can't.

[al]

Hi there sjs0511,

What you're feeling is pretty understandable; you love him, and feel attached to this relationship, so it makes sense that thinking about ending it makes you feel conflicted. But I want to highlight something that you said earlier, that's really, really important:

For me, if something hurts the person I love, I would never do the thing that hurts them..

What you're describing is one of the most basic tenets of a healthy relationship - respecting boundaries. You feel that if you learned that something you were doing was hurting him, you'd stop, because you love him. The way that he's acting isn't showing that same respect, which really isn't fair to you. I hope you know that you always, always deserve to have someone that doesn't push up on your boundaries or ignore something they're doing that's hurting you.

It's also not dumb to have these conflicting feelings - it's you listening to yourself in terms of how you feel. There's some negative and positive in there (because you would have left already if there wasn't something good!), but you're the one that gets to decide whether or not that balance is working out for you. Echoing what Sam said - how important does this feel for you? I would posit that it's bothering you a significant amount, as you came in to talk with us about it, but does it feel like a dealbreaker? If so, how does it make you feel to think about life outside/beyond this relationship? If it doesn't, what would be a dealbreaker?

[slsj0511]

Hi Al,
It is important to me and it does bother me a lot but I still love him so much. So even if it should be a dealbreaker I feel like losing him is worse. He has come up with a compromise where I can do other sexual things that doesn't bother me as much instead of having sex with him. It's just that because I was in a sexually abusive relationship before I thought that he would be okay with not doing intimate things. However I understand that sex is important to have a good relationship for most people.. I just hope this compromise works..

[Heather]

Hi there, slsj.

I want to make sure you know that in healthy sexual relationships, people don't do sexual things that they don't want for themselves, not just do because other people want them. Having sex can't = a good relationship when the sex we're talking about is sex one person in the relationship doesn't want or enjoy and only agrees to under duress, like pressures you've talked about. You can't have a good (read: healthy, mutually happy and equitable) relationship in those conditions.

Also, the idea that you doing some things he has coerced you into but not others isn't a compromise. It very much sounds like your boyfriend does not understand how consent needs to work. There is no compromising when someone doesn't want to do things: for things to be fully consensual, when we want sexual things someone else doesn't we need to just accept that and leave it. Talking someone into other things they still don't want but object to less strongly is STILL coercion and nonconsent. It is not "compromise" and it is also very much not consent. I'm sorry to tell you, but it sounds very much to be like you have been manipulated. I'm sorry you're with someone who continues to try and manipulate you instead of respecting you and treating you with love and care by accepting your sexual limits. <3

If you don't mind, can you tell me a little bit about why you feel that it's better for you to agree to do sexual things under pressure that you don't want than to lose this relationship? What good things does this relationship offer you? Is your boyfriend more respectful of you as a separate person -- not just as someone who has things he wants -- in other parts of the relationship? When you two want different things in other parts of the relationship, are the dynamics radically different than this?

What do you feel like you would lose if you didn't have this relationship?