I think my boyfriend is bisexual

[dark_sunshine]

I have nothing against people who are gay, female to female or male to male, but I am in a little bit of a predicament right now. My boyfriend might be bisexual and it's the little things that I have noticed that make me believe this. I think he would like to tell me that he is but I don't think he has the courage in saying it and I don't have the courage in asking if he is.
Yesterday he asked me if I would be willing to try anal sex. I never thought about it but he said he tried it before. But I am thinking that maybe he tried it with a boy before and he wants to have anal sex with me so that he can imagine doing it with a boy. Maybe these are sick thoughts in my own mind but that was what I first thought
Again I have nothing against people who are gay, it doesn't bother me at all, but the idea of having sex with my boyfriend and knowing that maybe he had sex with another boy kind of creeps me out.
I want to be open with him about this but maybe I'm reading him the wrong way? But if he has had sex with a boy then shouldn't I be uncomfortable with this or should I be okay with this? This is all uncomfortable just thinking about all of this but maybe I should just accept it?

[Sam W]

Hi dark_sunshine,

So, there are a few different things to touch on here. The first is that, while people often associate anal sex with sex between two men, the reality is that people of all sexual orientations can enjoy, or be curious about, anal sex. So, his interest in it can't really tell you anything about his orientation; it just tells you he's interested in trying anal sex. I really like the way Heather talks about a similar question in this article: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... ean_im_gay. Really, the only way for us to know a person's sexual orientation is for them to tell us.

Too, if you're wondering why he's interested in trying this, the way to find out is to ask him. That way, you two can have a conversation about it and figure out if it's something you both want to try, or if it's something that's a no-go for you.

Another thing to do is to interrogate your own discomfort. You mention that just the idea of him having been with another guy creeps you out or makes you uncomfortable. Why is that? What underlying assumptions or fears do you notice when you think about it.

[dark_sunshine]

I don't mind if he is bisexual, I like him for who he is and I would be friends with him no matter what. BUT I have a sexual relationship with him and the idea that maybe he has previously had a sexual relationship with another guy is just weird. To be blunt the uncomfortable part is imagining that he had anal sex with a boy and also had vaginal sex with me. I used a condom each time and I'm not worried about STDs but it's the idea of knowing that maybe he did do something like this that makes me uncomfortable.
I would like to talk to him about this but I don't want to be wrong in my assumption and make him look at me differently but I also don't really want to know the truth either. But I have no doubt that he is bi, I just don't know how far he has taken it.
Next time I'm with him I'll bring up anal sex and maybe be able to understand more about him or maybe find out who the other person was that he tried to have anal sex with. Neither of us were virgins when we met, both of us know this, but maybe talking about our sexual partners together would help us out.
Like I said originally I don't mind people being bisexual or gay, but having a sexual relationship with someone who is bisexual is strange. I'm not sure how I can put that. If my post somehow comes out offencive please don't read it that way.

[Gone.Sorry.]

Hi, dark_sunshine. It kinda sounds like you need to take some more time to really think about why it is this makes you uncomfortable, especially when you're only making assumptions about his identity and don't know for sure. As Sam W said, wanting to try anal only means that someone wants to try anal. Nothing more, nothing less.

What is it about the mere idea of him having sex with men but not women that makes you uncomfortable? What is it about the mere idea of him having done anal in the past that makes you uncomfortable? What is it about the mere idea of having sex with someone who is bisexual that makes you uncomfortable?

You're clear on being uncomfortable but not on why. I think you might need to dig a little deeper into your thinking because it does sound like some biphobia is at play here. If it is, no one here is condemning you. Many of us have had to unlearn messages like these! If not, cool - but what is it? It'll be a lot easier to address whatever it is that's making you uncomfortable here, if you're able to actually name it.

Have you watched Jane the Virgin? It's a drama/comedy based off the romanticism and drama of telenovella's (like soap opera's). I bring it up because your posts are reminding me of a scene from the show! In one of the later season's, Jane dates a man who comes out to her as bisexual. She doesn't have the greatest reaction and freaks out. This is the resulting conversation they have about what his bisexuality means for their relationship (basically... nothing - and definitely nothing bad!). Maybe I suggest you watch it? It's short, this clip is age appropriate, and you don't need any more context about the show to understand it. At the very least, I think it may give you something to think about. Maybe it will help you be able to better voice what you're concerned about?

New things are often strange and even uncomfortable for us. Maybe you just need some time to learn a little bit more about bisexuality to be comfortable with it?

All that said, I must really caution you against assuming your boyfriend's sexuality, though. We're all our own best judges for what our identity is. Don't get too caught up in labeling him as bisexual that you make the conversation about pushing him to come out as you see him that you forget to address what it actually is that's bothering you (that you're not comfortable doing anal - it sounds like - and that you're having some doubts about the relationship). Him ID'ing as bisexual or not isn't going to address these issues one way or another. Focus on what's in front of you, not making unfounded assumptions based on those facts. That's only going to be a distraction to you both!

[dark_sunshine]

Did my life seriously become a TV sitcom? Really? LMAO!

I don't have biphobia. But having a relationship with somebody who is BI is new and different and unexpected. And true he hasn't told me he is BI yet, but I know he is working towards telling me this.

The WHY part is that I am feeling like a "second" in this relationship right now. Like maybe he is into boys and that I am that second because I am a girl and he doesn't have to hide me from others. Him asking me for anal made me think that maybe he couldn't find a boyfriend and he thought he could do anal with me instead (that was what popped in my head). And the uncomfortable part for me is not having anal sex but it's me wondering if he has had anal sex with a male partner.

I get it that this entire discussion is a mess. I need to relax and not get too caught up like you said. Right now I would prefer if he could just tell me that he is BI and be open about it and talk about it because all this guessing is not doing me any good. Or maybe I should just ask?

And what if he does tell me? I am sure I'll be okay with it, but I know it would be awkward at first.

I'll watch that clip a few more times. Thanks.

[Sam W]

Hi dark_sunshine,

Can I ask how you know he's working towards telling you he's bi? For instance, has he talked about questioning his orientation or seemed to ask a lot of questions about your views on things like bisexuality?

When you say you feel like a "second," it sounds like part of what's going on is that you're assuming he really wants to be with a boy, but feels like being with a girl is safer and so he's dating you. That's actually common feeling people have around bisexuality; the assumption that there's one gender a bi person would prefer to be with, and that if they're not with a person of that gender they're just biding their time until they can jump ship. But that's not how bisexuality works. If your partner is with you, it makes sense to trust that you're who he wants to be with, not that he's secretly wishing he was with someone else (and if you feel like that isn't something you can trust, then that's a sign there may be a deeper issue in the relationship).

With that discomfort imagining he might have had anal sex specifically with another guy, I'm still having a little trouble understanding why it's the "other guy" part that creates that discomfort. Is it that you assume anal sex between two guys is riskier, and if he'd had it and then had vaginal sex with you that introduced more risk into your sex life?

Too, as you pointed out, a lot of this conversation is kind of getting ahead of yourself. All you know right now is that your boyfriend introduced the topic of anal sex and being interested in it. At a certain point, talking with him about what about anal sex appeals to him is going to be the most reliable way of getting information. Ditto his sexual history; it sounds like you two have had some discussion about your sexual past, and if he didn't mention being sexual with a guy, there's no reason to assume right away that he did.