I just feel so broken..Am I?

[0PT1M15T1C]

I honestly don’t think there’s anything you can really do? I’m not sure what’s really even possible. Honestly just having a safe space (with a record of it all) to be able to say “this really sucks” and explain the things that are happening. I don’t really have an idea for how you could best support this but the main thing I’m finding to help is getting it out onto writing, being able to ask questions and then feeling understood here. I know this is a really long thread, and so I do kind of hope that it’s okay that I still like post things here?

Thank you so much, because it makes a difference just being able to type it out and be honest about all of it.

[Sam W]

Yep, it's totally okay to keep posting or updating! You're certainly not the first person on the boards to have a long thread while they're going through something scary or rough. And I'm so glad that just being able to have a space here is helping you

[0PT1M15T1C]

I don't want to only update on the bad, because right now, kind of feeling on top of the world. I've felt alright the past few days, Wednesday went so poorly, and Thursday was alright, so was yesterday. Although the person decided she wanted to piss off my friends during the play we had and stare at them the whole first half then go and sit directly in front of them during intermission, only 3 classes could go because of the virus, the rest of the school we got our media team involved and livestreamed it for the entire school to watch in their classrooms (First time we've done that) because it was Pi day, our school was selling pie and of course she followed us to the line we kept walking because it wasn't worth it, she was alone and in close proximity just to walk by when I ducked into a bathroom and my friends knew what I was doing. Honestly although it did take a second to chill, it didn't really bother me all that much yesterday.

My mom said she might keep us home from school and so I'm hoping that happens, because that would give me a break from that person. I've been writing a lot more, I've been into poetry for quite some time and I think I'm going to add some film to the last one I wrote, even though it's pretty depressing, I quite like it. My body especially yesterday and right now I just feel kind of at peace with, personally I enjoy being topless (In my room, in private) and I'm feeling great about that as well as I'm loving the fact that I'm able to work on masturbation without panic because that's amazing. It's kind of a whole joke in my house at this point, my brother walked in the door after we talked about sex with a friend and I corrected a few things for him, he shouted "____ masturbates" and I just about dropped my cereal. So uhm... That's fantastic obviously, because my mom's response was "awww, do you use your left hand sometimes to make it feel like someone new?"... The jokes haven't stopped and I'm not sure if they will...I can't believe that happened. Although I'm planning some payback for my brother. I think today will be a lot of self care, ensuring I don't let anxiety spike, and then some homework. So yeah, I'm holding onto this feeling for as long as I can because it's good to feel like I'm not being suffocated.

All my sports are cancelled so it's taking a little more effort, also of course Canada is so freaking cold right now, so no one wants to leave anyways.

[Sam W]

Self-care sounds like an excellent plan, especially if the person has been upping her harassment of you and your friends lately. Being home from school, or other no going out much, might give you some knew opportunities for that. Although, since you've mentioned being pretty involved in sports and active, finding a few self-care things that do allow you to exercise while out of the house (like hiking/walking/biking) might be helpful as well.

[0PT1M15T1C]

For sure, thankfully I have a treadmill, and with staying home my mom will require a certain amount of exercise each day. Sadly, with the weather I can't head down and do my walk/hike I normally do, but it's fine I can work around that. Either way, I'll keep it up with the exercise, and won't let that slip. I'm just doing my best to cope with everything, hopefully we get the call from from the urgent clinic soon. I'm still enjoying talking to particularly one guy, I was able to talk to my sister today (facetime) and so that's nice. I think having the level of communication up around my house especially with mental health is a big thing for me. My mom wants my brother and I to figure out a game we can play online with my cousin and I'm finding some cute pinterest things to help with the self care, I mean, I'm going to be cooped up for a while.

With the harassment increasing it really does suck, but I think I'm doing everything I can. She's getting sloppy with how she does it, and it's going to cost her. Leaving class to follow me, that's something the school has a problem with. She's getting all too comfortable with getting away with it, and she has no idea how many people are involved, I just hope something is actually done. I really hope some sort of consequences are put in place because she got away with two years of sexual abuse, she's gotten away with even more bullying and manipulation, I don't want her to get away with the stalking. I don't understand how these people get away with what they do, because it's so messed up.

[0PT1M15T1C]

In the matter of an hour, (it's been a few now) I went from having school tomorrow, to not having school until September, students in my province will receive a final mark and progress to the next grade level. They cancelled PATs (Provincial Achievement Exams, which I'm assuming are similar to you SATs.), but diploma exams will still happen for those able to graduate.

A lot of emotions are kind of sitting with me right now, not just around school because uhm, we just had the counsellors talk to our classes about how big of a jump it'll be a few weeks ago, and now it's looking like school isn't even going to continue online based on the latest information - that might change though, but from the whole "Students will receive a final grade and progress to the next grade level" I'm thinking we're done.

A lot of people are just unsure about school, but for me, there's another layer to this - does this mean the stalking will stop? I am honestly in so much shock right now that I don't know what to think, I don't know if this might mean more threats, this all moving online, or if maybe it's actually possible for it to stop...Is that even possible? The thought seems insane.. Almost unreal.

I mentioned above in the thread that quite honestly I am scared for it to stop, because I have no idea what that means, I have no idea what this means for my case or any of it.

I can't believe I might get to actually get away from this person, honestly, I couldn't, still can't picture my life without living in fear of them. I can't picture my life not being impacted by what they've done and continue(d?) to do..

I really wanted to write about that a little because I don't think this will sink in for some time. I've really been working on self care, today I reorganized my room and painted this jar that says "Keep your head up" that I put colour coded folded notes in - some quotes, some "good times" and "reasons to live" because I thought that would be a good idea, and checked online to see that school was cancelled.- Actually, I fell down the stairs going to tell my brother, that was cute.

I also worry this means that she continues to get away with everything because it may stop, that this past year of pain with the stalking - not even to mention the other pieces, means nothing. That every fight I've had with the school, that would have been for nothing... It wouldn't even give me closure, I really wanted to speak on this and be public about what needs to change in our systems but that also seems thrown away, because nothing was actually done, meaning just like before, if I say a word, it might all just start again.

I'm just in complete and utter awe of everything, like I've been trying so hard to do everything I can and a freaking virus puts a stop to it in a day. I don't know what I'll do if it starts again, or continues I wonder if this means I might actually be able to heal, to maybe be okay..? I wonder what happens to me if this stops, if the trauma symptoms get better, or if they stay the same. With all of this all I want to do is go be with my friends, and my mom said that it would be fine (and she's taking the virus VERY seriously -but since it would be three people that are already always around each other, she didn't see a problem, especially because originally it was for schoolwork) but their parents don't feel the same way and so right now, I just feel so alone. I also don't know what this means as far as if I'll be able to go to therapy.

I really just can't imagine my life without the hell I've been dealing with for so long... It started at 9 ish with the manipulation, I'm 15 and like it doesn't seem possible.. I'm so scared because in that one hour, it wasn't just my school that was changed, it's my whole life.

[al]

Hi OPT1M15T1C,

I think it totally make sense that you're feeling a mixture of emotions right now. On one hand, I'm really glad that you might be able to get some relief in terms of not being exposed to your stalker, and that constant feeling of vigilance when you're at school or out and about.
But, I hear how this is a big change, and that you're not entirely sure how things will play out from here. I can't speak to your options with the school now that things are disrupted, but at the very least, like you said, you might be able to focus on your own growth and healing, as well as plugging into the positive relationships that you have going on (with friends, family, etc). I will say that your constable probably will be available to communicate with and get support from even if school isn't in session. How you feel about reaching out to them?
In general, all this virus/social distancing stuff is making a lot of folks feel isolated and a bit confused about what to expect. So, as a small consolation, you're not the only one feeling that way, and I'm betting that others may want to reach out and interact with you virtually/from a distance just as much as you want to with them
I'm really glad to hear that you've been taking care of yourself, by the way! Now you'll have even more time to do that. <3

[0PT1M15T1C]

I think I'll give it some time before I message her and see how that'll all work - this might actually speed up my case now that she isn't dealing with a school population of like 2000 students. I feel hesitant to actually write the message though and all that, I don't want to be pushing it. With my friends we've been texting a lot, it's mostly like "Is this a joke" type thing though, because I don't think any of us were expecting this, so reaching out is just a normal piece of our lives. Also, if you take bored teenagers and lock them in a house, eventually they're going to go mad and need to talk to someone other than their siblings or parents.

My friends and I have all been on Facetime a bit, so at least there's that, but it's still so weird talking through a screen and not being able to have contact (we usually just say "screw this, what are we going to do, who's house") also, we're all really sad their parents are the ones stopping us. Like my mom has kind of let her guard down when it comes to me, I hadn't slept in some time and my mom makes me feel safe so I went downstairs and snuggled up to her, and we fell asleep - I woke up from a nightmare but it was nice while it lasted. Social distancing between family, we do our best but there's times we all really need it and if it means something like feeling safe, it's worth breaking it. It's good to know I'm not the only one feeling pretty isolated though.

And thank you, I've definitely tried to get back in touch with my creative self who kind of got away from me when all of this started, and so my room is looking pretty sweet. It's times like these I'm grateful my dad is an artist (thankfully, it's still looking like a busy spring), but I've got an airbrush and a skateboard to finish.

I honestly, like I know I want it to stop but it feels so weird now that everything is up in the air. I really don't want them to get away with it... I'm honestly terrified of that. Also, I'm scared that those feelings of like being hyper-vigilant or scared all the time won't go away. It feels like it's going to be a whole new path I know absolutely nothing about, let's say this is the end, then before this everything I've been working on is managing and coping with it continuing, not healing, I've never even had a second to do that. I'm trying so hard to cope with all of it but it feels like my whole world just got flipped, soccer's done, and although I've got the treadmill, it's so cold it's not even funny and all I want is to feel normal. Or somewhat okay, at least. It hurts so bad thinking that even like in my post on Saturday I had so much confidence in that something would happen, and now they might get away with everything all over again and there's nothing I can do. I'm going to keep up the self care but wow.. I really wasn't expecting this.

[Sam W]

Yeah, it does feel like Covid-19 and the response to it has thrown a lot of things up in the air. Which, if you were already dealing with stressful things without an obvious resolution, can add a whole new level of "what now?" I would encourage you to send that message when you're ready. If you have the ability to work with your therapist remotely, she might be able to help you compose it if you're finding it tricky to do so.

With those fears about never knowing a life without hyper-vigilance, I will say that in the work I've done with survivors, there is a pattern of it getting better over time, even if there are ups and downs along the way. Right now it's probably hard to envision that because the threat is still present, so being vigilant is something that is, to some degree, necessary. But, at some point in your life, you'll find that it is starting to lessen and tends to keep going that.

[0PT1M15T1C]

With writing it, or I guess actually sending it, I have a pretty good idea of how I'd compose that, I just don't know when the appropriate time frame would be. I'm still not sure what'll happen with my therapy, but I haven't gotten a call for a cancellation or with any other information, so I'm kind of just assuming that's going to happen. I'm feeling really great about putting therapy on the other side of my freaking city to be close to school now that school is out for 6 months.

It's good to hear about the pattern you mentioned, because I really hope I can get to the point where what's happened won't affect me this much. My therapist mentioned the vigilance thing as pretty necessary if it's happening because to some extent, it does keep me safe, so the goal was never to get rid of the fear. Is it okay if I ask if there was something in particular that really helped the survivors you worked with? I know a lot of this will just take time and in therapy I'll get more tools and learn more ways to cope and begin healing that way. Also this feels so weird to say but I won't have to keep filling her in on everything that's continuing, that's crazy to me. I think I'll definitely be bringing up the fear around her getting away with it.

[Amanda F]

Since it seems they've already made the decision to close school down for the remainder of the term, I imagine the constable might have the space to work with you on this soon. Given that it's a matter of your safety, they should respond. Maybe you could write to them this week?

I think Sam is out for the day but I'm sure she'll respond to your question about tools for survivors soon.

[0PT1M15T1C]

Okay, I think I'll probably set Wednesday or Thursday for when I'll contact them. Thank you.

[0PT1M15T1C]

I had to go to school to clean out my locker and grab all of my school stuff, we we're put on a schedule based on last name so I got a chance to talk to my AP and the constable. My AP just wanted to check in and ensure that I was doing alright, and we confirmed that things were going pretty well in general and that not being in school even just these past few days has been beneficial, also that my mom and I have been bonding, so she was quite happy to hear that. The constable said that she's not sure what her schedule is going to look like with this, she may be put back on patrol and so there's really no idea but she let me know that if anything major happened in my case or charges were laid, she'd give my mom a call and give her those updates. It seems all good there.

Sadly, with it being organized by last name, the person was there (we are both on the same letter group/the same letter for last name) so that sucked to see her. They asked parents to not come in unless their kid(s) needed it, and for me, my mom saw how nervous I was getting and I asked her to come in with me, and so she didn't leave my side, thankfully we weren't questioned which I think has a lot to do with the office staff knowing me. We didn't end up seeing the person near me, but my brother had to run back in because he forgot something and when he came back he mentioned she was there and started making jokes, next thing I knew, she ran out of the school and the jokes continued even though I was begging him to stop, so my anxiety like skyrocketed because we stayed for a minute to ensure things were sorted and so I was terrified I'd be seen (thankfully our back windows are tinted and my brother called shotgun, so I just stayed low in case). I really hate when he makes jokes about it, I know he's just trying to lighten the situation but when I'm trying to think about anything but the fact that she was nearby, him describing her and teasing me was not the way to go. To top that, my mom has TERRIBLE taste in music (granted I'm young, and she was born in 1970, but like..it's bad, just saying), she and brother blasted that as well as kept the windows in the front down, it was cold and they were drawing attention to us by doing that, not to mention they were touching my knees and trying to get me to dance along which is an incredible way to make it worse. Seeing the person is a lot for me, and it's something my brother especially doesn't get (my mom stopped when she saw signs, she had no idea that was happening at first), he hasn't been there for much of it and he doesn't realize how much it impacts me, or how serious that is. He thought he was being funny by making jokes and meanwhile I was trying not to tear up.

I'm really looking forward to not having to see them every day and maybe be able to work on getting myself back. Like I went for a walk the other day with my brother and dog, that was incredible, I was nervous for a lot of it but it was totally worth it. ALSO - I've been talking to a boy I like, we had a cute little video chat date thing last night (we ended up doing art and talking, it was adorable), he's someone who is extremely affirming of mental health and is very respectful, and my mom is seeing if maybe doing a little coffee date would be an option for us (keeping in mind social distancing, so I don't know), but that makes me pretty happy to think about. It was kind of a shocker to me, because aside from this whole pandemic, I might actually be able to lead a semi normal life in the future, which is exciting. I do want to bring up this question though for Sam, is there anything in particular that has helped survivors you've worked with in the past? I still can't wait to tell my therapist it might actually be done with, I think that is going to play such a major role in all of this.

As well as that, I love all the things that come up for things to do and ways to take care of yourself, like my mom wants me to get into coding which I think will be pretty cool, then also reading older books my mom recommends for me like from the author Janet Evonovich, dance parties with my family, finding new ways to kick my brother out of my rooms because jeez, he just walks up to my room and sits on my bed with me and talks, I've learned Minecraft really doesn't like me (specifically creepers, who ignore my brother and target me), maybe doing some art with my dad will be an option, and when the weather gets better longboarding again! I think Scarleteen should totally join/have a Tik Tok account, because that would be freaking amazing since there's a lot of doctors talking about similar things on there, but that's just my opinion. Also, ya'll should totally learn the renegade, although everyone's probably pretty busy around here as it is. I think hopefully things will be looking up, my mom and I have been getting along and hopefully the psychiatrist ends up calling soon.

I also know that things are being updated with volunteers and how that works, but also, this might be a good time to start looking into that sort of thing, so if not here, is there anywhere else anyone can recommend I look into in this same area of sex education (specifically online- I think I want to save in person anything anything until after the virus issue is solved or at least gets a little better) I'll probably email my school counsellor anyways and see what options there are that way because it's something we've talked about in length and she knows I'm quite invested in it, I showed her Scarleteen and how that all works and what that's about and she thought it was pretty awesome as well and added it to the counsellors list of resources for that sort of thing, so that's great. (Might be important to note, the sex ed curriculum where I live is more than 30 years old, so that's a big part of the reason I talk about that often with the people I know, in my friend group I'm kind of the go to for that sort of thing. I've grown up in a sex positive household which a lot of people don't have, and that honestly shocked me growing up.)

[Sam W]

Sounds like a busy few days, but it's great that you're finding a silver lining in having to stay home. I can imagine that just knowing that person won't have as many chances to stalk and intimidate you will be pretty positive for your overall well-being.

As to your question, the survivors I've worked with (and just known as friends) found lots of different ways to move through their healing process. It's always going to vary depending on the person, and the specifics of the situation they survived. Time was a big one, not in a sort of "time heals all wounds" way but more that the processes they found helpful generally took time to move through. Having the space, or giving themselves permission, to cut people out of their lives who didn't believe them or tried to minimize their experiences was another big one. Ditto filling their lives with friends and partners who believed and supported them.

One that might be relevant to your work with your therapist is figuring out the way trauma tends to manifest or get activated in your life and then developing strategies to help with that. For instance, something that came up a lot with the group I worked with was traumaversarys and triggers, and figuring out ways to prepare for those times, avoid certain triggers when possible, or ground/comfort oneself when a trigger occurred.

[0PT1M15T1C]

Alright, I'll definitely keep all that in mind, and definitely like having those people I know support and believe me in what's happened, my friends especially although I think a large part of that is actually having to live through it with me. I'm still nervous for it to get better, but I'm so freaking excited to not have to see them every day. I'll definitely bring those things (preparing, avoiding those certain triggers and working on getting better at grounding) up with my therapist and work on them on my own as well. Having my mom understand this a little better has been incredible, and I think honestly, I'm enjoying where other things are leading.

It's still just crazy to me that this might get better, I was hoping it would obviously, but also honestly I was starting to lose a lot of that hope. Although I wish it not being as big of a threat immediately would change things, like my mom sent me to go get a few things from the gas station last night, that didn't go all that great but like, I tried. I also used had things prepared though, and the second I got home (firstly washed my hands, because ew), took a few minutes just to ground myself and let myself know that I was home and safe. I see my therapist next week, so I'll talk this all through with her then.

Keeping myself busy has been important, the constable mentioned I should find another case from my city and do like a 2.0 version of my personal project, however I don't know how much I want to do that at the moment. I think still looking at my options for participating in things at a distance is still nice. ALSO the pride centre in my city did a group online last night and I participated in that, so uhm that's cool. I might be able to find some other things to get involved in as well, and we're definitely helping out in our community where we can, and then communicating with family and friends online is nice.

[Sam W]

Planning new things to get involved in, and doing stuff like the digital group at the pride center, all sound like great plans for taking care of yourself and keeping busy!

[0PT1M15T1C]

Right now, I just need a place to be able to get this out. I didn't think it would hurt this much, ever, to know that it's stopped. Knowing the person that hurt you, just got away scott free, again, not for the first time. That is all that's been on my mind.

They got away with abusing me for two freaking years, they got away with bullying and manipulation, and now, it's like watching it happen all over again as they get away with stalking me for the past year. I'm just stuck watching everything I worked so hard for, evaporate. I can't even put into words how much that hurts. I put everything I had into seeing this through, I argued and fought every day to maybe get someone to believe me, I pushed back against my mom and got myself into therapy, I got tested for STI's, I told my whole story to the police, I had to live through every second of what they did, and now they walk away, again.

People think I'm better because I'm not exposed to it on a daily, I'm not. I feel torn apart and alone, stripped of who I am. Them getting away without consequences is more than me wanting some sort of justice for the pain they've caused me, it's about knowing there was a solid end, knowing that I can be myself unapologetically and unafraid, I don't to feel that way right now. I still have to be careful, I still have to be wary of everything I do, and when it comes time to go back to school, that is going to take some serious planning in therapy.

I feel so utterly and completely exhausted and worn out. I've been doing everything I can to cope, but what it feels like is that I'm distracting myself from who I've become in a sense. I kept thinking that maybe, if the situation stopped I'd feel better and I can't expect people to think differently when that's how I thought myself. But I don't feel better, and I don't know what comes next. I don't think anyone does and that's terrifying. I became afraid of myself in all of this, and now that's all I have. I became a stranger to who I used to be and am lost in the dark trying to find them, but I wonder if that's the problem, because I know who I was, is never coming back. But right now it feels as if I'm rebuilding a whole person.

I'm doing my best to continue fighting but I don't think anything could have prepared me for this. I have therapy on Wednesday, so I'll bring this all up with her, it's just been really quite difficult for me. I'm not really sure how to tell my mom that I'm thinking maybe saying something along the lines of what I said here would be a good idea. I just really wish I could feel better, like this is so much harder than I ever thought it would be. I didn't think it was possible to feel pain in the way that I have and I didn't know it was possible to hurt this much. I want this to get better and I've been fighting so hard to get better, I still do my self care stuff daily and doing everything I can to take care of myself. Also, talking to the boy I like, who is very affirming and we talk about what's been going on. I think it'll be a lot more pushing through until I start to feel better. The late night panic attacks and breakdowns haven't been great though, that really sucks. Which I guess is kind of what brought me here tonight at 2:30 in the morning.

So yeah, that's kind of me right now. I guess it's just certainly not been easy, and it never should have escalated to the point that it has, but I think I am putting in my best effort to fight it. I'm doing my best to remember that recovery is certainly not linear and that I have to give myself time to be able to get better, it won't be immediate and a lot of this will be like baby steps. Until then, all I can really do is set myself up as best I can.

[Sam W]

All of that pain and frustration is incredibly understandable. It's incredibly stressful just to be in the midst of what's happening right now, where no one is really certain how things are going to play out and what that means for things that were happening before all this started. And a lot of people, you included, are watching things they worked towards or processes they poured energy into just grind to a halt or go up in smoke.

I totally get what you mean when you say isolation isn't helping your situation in the way some people expected it would. Even if it makes it harder for this person to stalk you, it doesn't automatically undo all the hyper-vigilance and other habits that the trauma has caused you to develop. It's hard to relax or feel better when your brain is still in "oh no the bad thing could happen any minute" mode.

Bringing all of this up with your therapist, and with your mom, is a really sound plan for taking care of yourself. It may also be helpful, at some point in the near future, to talk with your therapist about ways you can cope with the fact that this case may never get the closure (for lack of a better word) that you were hoping it would.

[0PT1M15T1C]

I'll definitely be bringing up that idea that I might not be getting any sort of closure with it and talking through some ways in which I can cope with it, maybe plan a bit for what this might mean for me. It sucks, which is an understatement but like it really does suck to watch this happen. My anxiety around it is definitely a little better, because home is somewhere I actually feel safe and I'm grateful that I don't have to see this person every day. But yeah, it doesn't undo everything I've had to learn in order to keep myself safe, and it certainly doesn't undo the pain they've caused.

So, actually as I was typing up my response, my therapist called and we're doing it over the phone tomorrow, which will be a little weird but at least I'm still doing it. We talked briefly as a bit of a check in and she kind of noted that she views this as a positive thing, even though I might not be able to because it's giving me time to develop a sense of who I am outside of everything and learn about myself.

There's still a lot that really puts me on edge, like when I make a post of some sort, their friends are sometimes the first to like or view it, so I ended up blocking a few of them (specifically the ones that cornered and threatened me last year, that I know the person is still close to) and that helps a little bit. I'm still able to go on runs, and when the weather allows I go outside with my dog for them as long as we're really careful about people we're fine, but it's still scary for me to do because if they spot me, for some reason that's not good. There are pieces I like about this though, specifically not having to see them every day, and not having to deal with the spikes that came with seeing them.

Other than wanting to ship my brother out, my house has actually stayed quite calm and it's been a peaceful environment for me to be in, that helps a lot. My mom when she leaves tells us to get a minimum amount of exercise in and "learn something" so I think it's nice being able to learn about new things I wouldn't have known otherwise.

[Amanda F]

I'm a big fan of "yes, and" thoughts. We're complicated creatures and we can have a lot of conflicting or opposing feelings and situations happening at the same time, and sometimes just accepting the complexity can put us a bit more at ease.

Yes, you're experiencing all of this frustration and anger at how the situation has resolved, and in some ways you also feel relieved that this has come to an abrupt end and you feel safer.

Yes, your anxiety is starting to feel a little better, and you also still have a lot that you learned to stay safe that is still present, as well as the pain.

Yes, this is not the closure you wanted or the justice you deserve, and it's also over in a big way.

This is tough stuff! I think you've done an incredible job of working so hard to change things for yourself, to feel safe, to create an environment that you can function in. That this is over, in a way, doesn't negate all the work you've done. I hope that in addition to your valid anger and frustration that you also feel very proud of yourself.

[0PT1M15T1C]

Alright, so I certainly have a whole lot to I guess challenge myself although my therapist would want to change that word because it's making a judgement and now accepting the "now" which I'll explain a bit. As far as the yes and thoughts, I think that kind of goes along with just accepting things and although I enjoy doing it, sort of, it's really quite confusing.

First things first, I'm pretty mad. So, I mentioned that I was going to be referred what's called the "urgent clinic" to see a psychiatrist, and because I'm doing therapy through a certain provider, they basically withdrew my referral from the hospital, they didn't even tell me, they just put it in my notes, so thankfully my therapist checked that. She is going to go pester the clinic, talk to their psychiatric nurse at the place I do therapy, as well as referring me to their psychiatrist (which is why they withdrew the referral) but now it'll be at least three months. So, I'm supposed to find a new doctor who will listen to me and talk to us and possibly put me on medication. I'm just really quite mad about that happening, the fact they withdrew the request, when the hospital referred me because they knew it couldn't wait months because there was an option for a psychiatrist who works on day a week at the current clinic I'm at is just frustrating. Hopefully, I can get this rolling, but with COVID-19 and social distancing that is going to make it SO much harder. So my mom and I will talk about that I guess. I still can't believe the clinic did that, without even telling me.

Don’t get me wrong, I completely understand things are going to be a little harder around this, that’s just kind of life as it is right now. But I was referred for a reason. I would’ve been completely fine with it taking a little while longer, things are stressful, there’s challenges to overcome, but withdrawing the referral - duuuude.
After that, we talked a bit about that feeling that their are getting away with it again, and I'm also not entirely sure how I feel about that conversation. What I'm really supposed to be doing is accepting the feelings that come up and not pushing them back, not saying they are okay or not okay to have but just letting them be I guess? It's pretty hard to explain. It's a lot of accepting what is happening in the moment, and not resisting it by saying it's hard, but rather saying something like "in this moment, I am suffering" because in the moment is the only "real" thing. I don't know if that makes any sense, and if it doesn't, I'm not sure it does either but that's fine.

My soccer club has us doing two workouts daily so, that's great at least (done through our trainers online, not in person). I'm just feeling really quite defeated and although like accepting that there's not much I can do might be a good idea, it still really sucks, which goes against what I'm supposed to be doing, but I'm kind of just letting myself have a moment to be frustrated and confused, and sad. Also, my next about two, almost three weeks away and I'm just feeling overwhelmed. I didn't want to tell her I was still struggling with my thoughts, when we brought it up, I let her know I was fine with it, she double checked there was no reason to contact my parents and I made sure she wouldn't I don't know, I've got it under control enough that it'll be fine-ish and I know what I can do if I'm not, I didn't need the stress of telling her and dealing with all of that, when really there's not much she can do except add more stress.

I think it'll definitely take practice getting used to the mindset she wants me in, but like, I'm trying. And then I guess I'll be dealing with this whole psychiatrist thing again from scratch. Either way, I'm just glad I have a workout schedule with challenging workouts I can do with my brother. I think, with time it'll settle a little more, just right now there's a lot of frustration. Today is my brothers birthday so hopefully that'll help some in taking my mind off all of this for at least a bit.

[Heather]

Hey there, 0PT1M15T1C.

I'm afraid I don't have the time or the spoons to get all caught up with your thread today, so I can't do a good job of picking this up, but I did want to let you know that I am around today if you just want someone to talk to.

[0PT1M15T1C]

Thanks, honestly that would kind of help. And yeah, this is certainly a long thread.

I think this just really sucks in so many aspects of this just suck. Like the person who hurt me getting away, again, and then it getting so much harder for me to get the help I need. I've fought so hard for so long and like this just keeps getting harder. It has been so freaking hard and I was really pushing for this urgent clinic, and that being gone just makes this all more complicated and rough. I'm terrified and I have no idea what is going to happen, and like I'm trying to accept it and let it be, but how do you just let it be that your abuser is walking away free from everything they've done again and that I won't be able to get the help that I really need with this. I don't really know where to go with this and it hurts so so much right now.

Idk, it feels crazy. I keep feeling like I get my hopes up, and get let down and keep having to fight in my own, at 15, dealing with a lot... My sleep, has been nonexistant, my anxiety, terrible, and my eating, that's a struggle and I just kind of feel really alone. Like on a top of two years of abuse, a whole year of stalking, they just get away with it. And I've mentioned that before, but oh my god, it's so freaking hard. I still just can't believe they freaking withdrew my referral. Just because there's a psychiatrist on staff, that will take 3 months, doesn't make that the best option. The hospital saw that, that's why they referred me. I really don't know where to start now, my therapist is pestering the urgent clinic, but I'm scared to get my hopes up.

[Heather]

I bet. That sounds really painful. It's especially hard to have had a light at the end of any given tunnel and then have it go out. And I certainly understand what it feels like not to get justice with abuse, and to feel like you are more trapped and limited as a victim than someone is who made you one. It's really awful.

Can you say a little about what you were hoping to get most from this clinic? It might help to identify those needs clearly in order to see if any of them can potentially be met in other ways right now, even if only temporarily.

[0PT1M15T1C]

At the clinic, I would be able to get a diagnosis, get referred to a gender clinic to possibly start hormones, to possibly get on anxiety medication so I can maybe function when going out. The plan was to provide a base for me to be able to get better in therapy, my therapist really needs that sort of bump to get me out of the circle I'm in. Like right now, my anxiety, we rated a constant 8/10, where we want to get to is about a 4/10 which we noted would be reasonable.

Seeing a psychiatrist, for me was and is a massive deal to me and my situation. Does that at least explain it a little?