I just feel so broken..Am I?

[0PT1M15T1C]

The person I’m seeing is actually for me, not my parents, they’re aware of that. However, I do also need my parents aware of what’s going on and if I need something, such as maybe I can’t consent to medication myself, I need someone who’s able to advocate and willing to take the time to explain those things to my parents. Does that make a little more sense? Actually talking and doing all of that, is for me and no one else, getting to the bottom of things going on isn’t to help my parents out. The first meeting though, was just my parents and this person, so I’m glad my mom did feel like she could actually see this being a good thing for me, especially since she’s doubted these things in the past, and hasn’t ever actually felt heard or understood with her concerns regarding me and a therapist. I don’t really know how to explain it that well, other than my parents are present in my life and I really do need someone who’s able to help them make sense of things and who is willing to take the time to do that. My parents won’t be involved in the talking about my things, that’s between the person and I, that’s it. I’m really hoping that sort of clarifies it. I have my appointment with her next Thursday, and another one on the 29th. So yeah, I’m on my own for that one (well, my mom will be there for the first 10 minutes and the last 5 but that’s it - which is pretty standard.)

I’m glad the mindfulness is working a bit as well, there’s still some things like with the whole rules and all of that which I still find confusing, but that’s fine.

With school, I’m thinking about turning the notifications off and just checking my class on the day I have them. Usually my mom wants me doing school by 9, but she’s not too hard on that rule. For example, Science is today and I haven’t started that. I have a group chat with all the people in my cores (well, most of them) and we’re all pretty annoyed with the teachers for that because it does really add up and it’s annoying getting multiple assignments when it’s not that teachers day. Like I’m sorry, but if my Math teacher posts on Monday, sucks for him, not his day so I’m not doing his work until it is (Which it’s work assigned for that week which is fine, but they should only be posting on their day). I’m just annoyed with that. With the notifications this morning, that’s literally how I woke up, because my phone was dinging non-stop at 8:30. Being woken up to “Here’s a science project, a test, a whole bunch of reading and a worksheet I want done” is not only frustrating, it’s stressful. I also don’t think teachers are fully realizing that we aren’t in a learning environment, like most of us have siblings that are loud and are bored so they bother us, like my friend has 4 younger siblings. I got kicked out of the office because my mom is working from home, so like it’s a lot harder working when my brother is standing at my door every half hour trying to talk to me...I’m starting to understand why my mom is always so annoyed with us when she works from home. She’s also on the phone a lot, my brother likes playing video games (loud ones and is constantly on the phone with his girlfriend, it's honestly weird) and my dad has music and stuff going so like they’re expecting a focused environment which just isn’t exactly possible. I mentioned that to my AP, that there’s a lot of notifications and assignments and such and she was glad someone brought it up because that’s not how the teachers should be doing this at all. Either way, I’m thinking I’m going to have to turn the notifications off. Sorry that's really long, it's just really quite difficult at the moment. We’re all still learning how to do this, it’s new so I do have to give them a bit of a break on that, they just want to provide us with the best education they can and follow the lesson plans they made.

Either way, doing my best with all of it, even if it's frustrating. I normally love school (the actual learning aspect), so at least I still get to learn that way. I think also once I finally get my old lizard tank taken out of my room that'll free up some space for me to do my work in my room.

The whole gender piece of this scares me a lot though and has still been really present for me, which certainly isn't fun. There was a lot of stress already and it's like *bam* let's add a worldwide pandemic to it all. If my friend eventually wakes up I'm calling her and dragging her down with me down into the deep pain that is my science homework.

[Karyn]

It does make sense to want to have your parents involved in a way that feels good to you, and I'm glad that your mom felt like this person would be helpful. I hope the first couple of appointments with them are a good start! I'm sure that it feels very scary to have the possibility of your gender being questioned brought up, but that's something you can absolutely ask them about, and that appointment is coming up soon, so you don't have to wait too long to get clarification on that and know for sure.

With the mindfulness thing, can you say a bit more about what is confusing for you? I'm not an expert by any means, but it's a tool I've used myself so maybe I (or one of the other staff or volunteers) could help explain.

I totally hear you on the school situation being stressful: it's a lot to ask of folks to learn and do assignments and keep up with schoolwork in a stressful situation that comes with all sorts of other distractions. If you can get a space for yourself to work that's a bit quieter that will probably help, and turning off notifications is a good idea too. No one needs to be woken up being bombarded by piles of assignments! It's great that your AP was helpful with that, but if you feel up to it, maybe you could mention it to your teachers individually as well.

[0PT1M15T1C]

Yeah, hopefully it all goes okay with that. I keep thinking that like my abuser was the one to bring up being trans though.. and that thought won't leave my mind. Also with the abuse that pretty directly relates to like feelings around my body and I just don't want to be wrong I guess.. I'll talk that through with her some though. I just really don't like that possibility, you know?

With mindfulness it's mainly with like the wording, like she kind of brought up that maybe not describing it as okay or not okay or anything like that, but rather just like accepting it.. I understand for the most part how to do it in just recognizing what's happening in those moments and such and accepting it, but I can't like explain it using the terminology she wants. There was a whole lot of correcting me on what I was saying in the session which just felt frustrating because I understood the point of what she was saying, but couldn't put it into the right words if that makes any sense. The main component as far as what I'm understanding is the whole body-mind connection and being able to identify while not placing judgements one the things that are happening, rather just accepting them and giving them a space in a way. It feels so weird to explain it.

Yeah, like I'm taking a break from my schoolwork right now to do it but I'm laying on my floor with my friend on facetime which is helping, I told my brother he's not allowed upstairs until 4PM unless I say otherwise, he's respecting that and I'll call him when I'm ready to go long boarding for a bit. Right now though, my laptop (despite being 4 months old) is deciding that it wants to crash, freeze or fuzzify (what I'm calling it) a whole bunch of my sites, I can't even access my files right now.. So like, perfect timing for that considering I put a lot of my schoolwork online so I could use my drawing tablet and do it without paper...Thankfully my parents pay for like GeekSquad protection and soooo they should fix this all because my computer shouldn't be doing this. For now though, it's fine I can go into the office while she's in a meeting and grab what I need as long as I'm quiet. I mentioned it to my Humanities teacher yesterday, but I don't really think I want to get into the whole ordeal with my other teachers at the moment, so I'll stick to turning their notifications off. I'll get all of that figured out it's just kind of one more thing that I didn't need added onto my plate.

[0PT1M15T1C]

Oh yeah, also - what I forgot to add in my post this morning was also, she gave us an option for a residential treatment facility.

I hate people seeing as a terrible thing honestly, do I want it? not really but like people assuming you’re crazy because you need that support, like what no. My mom sees it that way (partly because she said she’s not taking me to a hospital during a pandemic - which like... makes sense.) So yeah, that person I’m seeing might think that’s a good idea and if so, aight I guess that’ll happen. I made a joke regarding that, just saying “wait hold on [facility name]? Hahaha that’s where Jordan was for a while” and stated why, which they told me that’s not what I should be aiming for which was just like “ouch, I’m not but like it’s not a bad thing to go, just saying, it’s more common than you’d think”.

There’s kind of a lot going on there, which as I mentioned above, is stressful but I’m doing my best that way. She also mentioned a few other doctors and other facilities in the notes so yeah.

I also had to give up my laptop to the GeekSquad and sooooo hopefully they can fix that, but like schoolwork just got a lot harder. Hopefully I get that back pretty soon.

Though, I did connect with some friends and we have a “happy hour zoom” starting at 5:30 with all my family in the states which makes me so so happy. My sister might also join too!!!

Things have been hitting a little bit harder than today than the past few days, and toying with me a bit that way but hopefully the Zoom will help with that some. We’re also watching Robin Williams right now and I’m dying. Literally dying he was an amazing dude - specifically him talking about golfing.

[Sam W]

Hi 0PT1M15T1C,

I'm glad you're finding lots of remote ways to connect with people! That's so important right now, and it sounds like it's helping your overall well-being.

It sounds like the person you're working with has been giving you multiple treatment/doctor recommendations, which hopefully means that you can eventually build a support plan that works really well for you. I agree, by the way, that the stigma attached to residential treatment is ridiculous. It's just one mode of many of getting help and support (though I do understand the desire to not be anywhere near a facility full of people right now).

With the mindfulness exercise you mentioned, based on your description I think I'm familiar with the advice she's giving you. It sounds like you understand why she's having you do it, and it's more that the process itself is frustrating. I totally get that. If you, like most people, are used to attaching values to emotions (like an emotion is okay or not okay) it can be really, really hard to try and describe how you're feeling without that. Honestly, this may be one of those times to be patient with yourself and remember that sometimes the exercises we do in therapy are going to be frustrating or difficult at first, in part because they're asking us to disrupt habits of speech or thought that feel very natural to us.

[0PT1M15T1C]

Yeah, connecting with people has been nice. Video chatting with my family was pretty nice however their views on the whole virus - I don’t even know where to start... my mom eventually said “alright enough of this, can we all agree on rum? We all like that right?” And changed the topic - I left the video chat for about 20 minutes to cool to off. They really aren’t taking it seriously, at all... and so in so many ways that’s frustrating. For the most part we all got along though. Today my family (you see.. I always get told people are going to help me with the baking but it never happens) and I are going to make some pies and bring one to each of my friends and then one of my brothers hockey friends. So that should be fun.

If I became actively suicidal again, I think that’s when she’d consider going but for now for both of us, it’s trying to stay out of that. The facility mentioned I wouldn’t stay there 100% of the time, it would be Monday-Friday and then I’d come home on the weekends for 3-4 weeks, which I think would be really good recipe for disaster. At least if like it’s only the nurses and doctors at that facility going in and out it minimizes it, but I don’t care how secure it is, if you’re sending kids home on weekends and they’re with their family going out and stuff - yeah... we’re just trying to avoid it. I still wish she’d drop the whole negative piece to it, like that’s always been seen as almost a punishment “I don’t know what to do anymore, like honestly I’m thinking we need to send him to a facility or something” (there’s a lot more comments around it but I’m having trouble phrasing them so I’ll leave it at that) which a) saying when your kid is in the next room and can hear you is messed up especially when you’re talking about your kid saying negative things but b) it’s shouldn’t be a punishment, it should be viewed as “I think we need a little extra support than we have right now for the safety of our kid”. I’m still pretty heated about that honestly. It kinda feels like she’s saying “I don’t judge you at all” and then two minutes later it becomes this terrible ungodly thing. At some point I learned to call her bluff and just start saying “so take me, let’s do it” and suddenly other options are available. She also thinks she can have me admitted - that’s not how it works here. The psychiatrist on staff makes that decision, and even then, if I’m not sectioned, I get a choice.

Yeah, like getting used to doing it and just accepting it is becoming a little more normal to me, but it’s still the wording/phrasing that confuses me. I’ll probably bring that up to her and just let her know that I’ve been working on it, but the phrasing still doesn’t make sense to me completely. I have a feeling that’s going to lead into having to do a feelings chart though (I hate those things so much, but they work so I’m stuck with them). Therapy itself feels frustrating sometimes though. Especially when progress is slow.

Things can also feel pretty weird when like there’s little things that like remind me “oh wait we used to do that” like for example, there’s this whole ice cube trend on Tik tok where you put an ice cube either just around the outside or sometimes inside (Which theres a lot of things with that but honestly if it’s going inside all I could imagine is that acting the same as a water douche with less power, but whatever), and like I would do that with that person in the hot tub all the time, they did it far more than I did but still. I have a lot of like weird memories of things they’d make me do or wanted me to do which aren’t all that fun to look back on. Pieces where I only remember snipers bother me still though, like there’s some parts it’s just like hold up, what was going on.

[Mo]

I can understand why it would be upsetting to hear your mom talk about residential treatment like it's a punishment or something she can force you into. I'd be feel pretty bad about hearing someone say that to me! I hope that if it ever does feel like the best choice for you, she can approach it very differently.

I wish I had good tips or insight into the mindfulness work, but to be honest it's something I find hard to do also! But I think it can helpful to acknowledge that this sort of work, that involves retraining how you interact with emotions and emotional response, is challenging, just like therapy can be. "I hate this a lot, but it works so I'm stuck with it" is a thought I've had about exercises I've done in therapy before, for sure, and sometimes it helps me to just admit that it's hard and frustrating.

[0PT1M15T1C]

Yeah, hopefully she’ll get a little better around it, although fingers crossed it doesn’t get to that point. I just don’t wanna deal with the germs right now.

Mindfulness is cool and neat, but also so strange. I think I might steal your line with that, because I get how my therapist is trying to tell me it’s simple and really not that hard (in better context might make a little more sense but I’m giving up on that one), and that helps clarify what I’ve been struggling with. For sure, with the whole admitting that it’s going to be hard and frustrating helps quite a bit. If anything it gets me to a point I’m willing to work on it.

Is it normal though or I guess common might be a better term for certain things to still be like uncovering themselves with what happened with that person? I’m not sure if that makes a whole lot of sense but like especially reading through my first post, I know like I can remember a little more than I did then, even if it’s not much. Especially with what I mentioned above as far as like doing something or like a trend, or talking about something specific and it crosses my mind as a “wait that sounds familiar, like this isn’t new to me” and it comes up like “oooh wait hold on, that’s why it sounds familiar”. Like I can remember some details of the fight we got in the last night it happened or like not much of other times but more than before. Idk if that’s like normal really? It’s so weird because I really did a good job of just pushing it out, like with my name at the time, I started changing that up as a way to say “these things happened to [my name] not [name I chose]” and like being able to distance myself from it that way as well as just otherwise sort of ignoring it. Granted, I had behavioural issues since the abuse started, and really, some of them looking back it’s like “your ten year old tried that and you didn’t think that was weird!?” type thing. So I kind of coped with it that way I guess.

Especially, like I’m remembering our talks around my gender... and at this point although it’s absolutely terrifying, I think it’ll probably be good to talk to a psychologist who has a good idea of what she’s doing with that. And I’m assuming, just like the way my therapist took the time to ensure I felt safe with her, this new person will do the same with me. Actually telling people in person the things that happened is so hard for me.

[Sam W]

Yep, what you're describing is pretty common. When people start to dig into abuse or other intense things from their past, they often start recalling things or noticing patterns they didn't before, because they're taking the incident(s) out and looking at them, rather than trying to push it down and not think about it.

I'm hopeful of the same thing you are with this new person, and really, most therapist or psychiatrists take the time to make sure their clients feel safe in the space. We may have touched on this before, but if telling people about things in person is still (understandably) pretty hard for you, sometimes writing things down and asking a therapist to read it can be helpful in terms of conveying the information you want to.

[0PT1M15T1C]

Okay that’s good to know, thank you. It still feels so strange like remembering pieces of it, to me anyways.

We have talked about that, and normally it’s an option but we aren’t meeting in person, its over I think it’s called like Doxy or something. Basically just more secure for things like medical info I guess. So although I usually do write things out before just to ensure if I need it I have something at least to keep me on track, but I’m not sure how it’ll all work with it being on video call. I think part of that is just having to go for it and do my best with telling her things. Normally I hate when my mom is there for parts of meetings with counsellors/therapists but honestly right now I’m pretty grateful she’ll be there for the first little bit. It’ll be the standard questions while she’s there I’m sure, just going over what was said previously and ensuring everything feels correct in that understanding. Hopefully that’ll give me a bit of time to at least speak with her with my mom still present and kind of ease into it a little more.

[Alexa]

Seconding what Sam said -- little things from my own abuse still come up every once and a while when something reminds me of it, now that I'm no longer repressing those memories. Now that I'm farther away from my own abuse, I like to take those opportunities to remind myself how much better things are now. I hope you're able to get there, too. <3

Also! Doxy also has an instant messaging function. I totally agree that you should take the chance to practice talking about things with counselors & therapists directly, but if you need to take that slow, maybe you and your therapist could arrange to meet for the first/last ten minutes of your sessions without video, on chat? Like here on Scarleteen, I know that typing, even in the moment, gives me a chance to clarify my thoughts and questions. It could be helpful.

[0PT1M15T1C]

I so hope I can get there too. But for now it’s still nice to know that I’m not alone with the remembering pieces in time.

Also, that helps to know, for right now my mom will be with for the first and last bit of the session but I think I certainly keep that in mind if things get hard to talk about. Obviously I’ll try to like actually say things but sometimes that just doesn’t happen.

I’m still so glad I’m actually seeing someone and this soon, that’s pretty awesome. I’m really hoping at this point things start to feel better soon because damnnn right now really kind of sucks. I miss sleeping so much at this point. I know all of that’s been said but this really hurts honestly and I could so use a break from it. I really thought things would feel better once the stalking stopped, and although it has I still feel like I’m kind of in the same place. I know I have to give that some time, like it hasn’t even been a month yet technically since everything stopped. I’m still kind of thinking it could be worse at this point, though, like if it continued and I wasn’t seeing anyone I don’t even know what would have happened. It’s at least helpful to know I’m not waking up every morning to go to school and be terrified of every little thing all day, so there’s that.

Either way, it’s still nice looking at what progress I have made even if it doesn’t feel like much - I mean, the fact that I was persistent in what I needed means I *hopefully* won’t have classes with that person next year.

[0PT1M15T1C]

Alrighty, so I had therapy today and I really hope they move it off just a phone call for a number of reasons. The biggest one being that I have an issue with masking things when I talk about it in person, and although I try SO hard not to do it, it’s become a tactic I’ve really relied on over the years. I’m still so used to taking care of myself in that way and that was a really big thing that I used to cope was making things seem “not that bad”, especially when you don’t want adults calling home or asking questions, it helps a lot. Part of that masking is also because I really thought a lot of what happened was just normal and I’m still having to unlearn a lot of that I guess. Either way, being on the phone and not being able to see her at times stresses me out because if there’s a period of time where there’s silence I can’t see her facial expression or anything so I have no idea what she’ll take from it or exactly how she’s interpreting what I’m saying. I miss therapy being in person honestly.

We talked about sleep a lot because that’s still a pretty big issue, and she honestly doesn’t really know what to do at this point because I’m actually doing the things I’m supposed to be doing to help with that, but they aren’t doing much.

We also talked a bit about the mindfulness and like I’m honestly just going with my phrasing, because that makes sense to me at least right now. So I did get some clarification there. She did bring up though, that I need to let go of the pain in a way, and that’s sort of what the mindfulness does. Her example was kind of with hot coals, some people hold onto those their whole lives and live in pain that way, or they can find a way to let go of them, she asked me how I wanted to do that, and so I told her I wasn’t sure and that that was the reason I was seeing her. That sounds weird but I don’t know how else to put it. I’m trying but like my point with what I said was that I didn’t have the answer and that I certainly need support in finding those answers from her.

Too, though, I still find myself really quite frustrated with myself. There are times I really want to talk about what’s happened with my therapist, like in terms of the abuse or even parts of the stalking and every single time I end up kind of sucking at that. Like I tried today and she noticed I was sidetracking (something I do when I get nervous) and was having trouble saying things again, so she said she still wasn’t sure of talking about it was helpful, a) because she couldn’t see me or be with me to provide that sense of safety b) because I put myself at moderate risk in terms of my thoughts and she was unsure if that would make it worse or end up with me really anxious and c) because really in that moment that’s not exactly what she felt would be helpful anyways. Which like, I mean the reasoning all makes sense but I’m still so frustrated that I can’t do that, y’know? Like if I can’t tell my therapist who I know and trust how the heck am I supposed to say those things on Thursday? I really really want to be done with this at this point, like damn I know it’s normal to struggle with talking about it but like it’s frustrating. I want to, I’m trying to, and just ah, my brain is like “nah man” I guess.

Every time she’s said that it’s probably not the greatest idea to talk about (originally I asked and she said “yeah, of course we can” and then I struggled with it a lot and so it was after that she let me know it might not be the greatest idea) it, I honestly kind of feel like I’m letting myself down in a way. Like I’m trying really hard to make that progress and I’m grateful for what progress I have made, it’s just hard.

It’s still crazy to think how one person completely changed my life really... like one thing that really quite clicked today was she mentioned that I’ve been dealing with this after realizing for the past year, and I said “yeah, I mean, we’ve had behaviour issues since I was probably about 9ish, those aren’t new really” and that’s when it clicked was “that’s when that whole thing kind of started.. huh, I wish someone noticed that”. I wonder where I’d be if those things hadn’t happened, if I had never met that person.

So, I see a psychologist currently and I’m going to see another one, she looked the person I’m seeing up and she’s a psychologist as well. I clarified the credentials that way. Either way, she thinks it might be helpful because she’s running low on ideas for me and then also for my mom, to get a second opinion and hear those things from someone she trusts and clicked with. Which I know it was mentioned therapy is for me not my mom, but I need my mom to start understanding some of this.

Oh yeah, also the psychiatrist at the clinic isn’t accepting any new patients due to the virus. Which like, figured. That kind of sucks in my case, I’m currently still quite upset with the urgent clinic for that one. Like they kind of really screwed me over.

So yeah, I’m unsure of exactly how Thursday will go, but hopefully it’ll be alright and I’ll like her as well. She kind of had some different views from the sounds of things.

Also, before I go further, my therapist’s name is Sharon, and the new one is Michelle. Just to ensure things are clear that way. Basically Michelle mentioned treatment facilities and other more intensive treatment that way, and that also came up today with Sharon, that we may want to look at more intensive trauma therapy specifically. She kind of has realized that at this point therapy it is really only going so far (she’s still going to continue to work with me) and we might really need that at this point. Idk, I’m trying not to view that as an “I should be working harder” because I really am giving it everything I can, and I’m trying not to doubt myself for it, but it’s hard not to. I am actually doing that work for my therapy and at the same time those techniques mentioned aren’t really helping the same way they should I guess. The sleep is one major example of that, in that I really am doing everything I can and still, it’s not getting better so we’re looking at medication or far more intense therapy as my options. That kind of sucks honestly, like thinking that that one person did THIS, to an otherwise mentally healthy kid, damn...

[Mo]

It's really clear, to me at least, that you are putting a lot of effort into trying to get what you can out of therapy and take care of yourself. I hope you can continue to keep yourself from getting stuck in "I should be working harder" type thoughts. One of the frustrating things about therapy, and about recovering from trauma in general, is that it can be pretty slow going, but that doesn't mean it's because you're doing something wrong. Progress is still progress, even when it feels slow or like it's not enough. I absolutely get that feeling of frustration, too, but I agree that it's good to try not to doubt yourself and the effort you're putting into this process.

[0PT1M15T1C]

Thank you, Mo,

It's nice to hear at least someone else sees it, at a time where I'm struggling to. I'm glad I got into therapy when I did, however, starting back in October kind of gives me a false timeline which can be really hard to remember. Yeah, I was in therapy, but my situation was getting progressively worse almost every day, and I try my best to give myself that. Despite starting in October, and although a lot of new tools and am working on my ways of thinking, I honestly just feel worse.

As time goes on, I just feel increasingly angry for what this person has done, because I know that even with what they've done, I still wouldn't wish harm onto them, even though they have stated that their goal was to hurt me. Maybe that's because I'm a better person or maybe it's because I don't have the guts to wish someone the pain I have experienced. They took everything from me right down to my freedom that I have to build back piece by piece and still, I would never do the same. I really do wonder what makes someone think they have that right.

I'm still just really struggling with the fact that my therapist doesn't know what to do and what's been recommended by both therapist are more intensive things. I really question for myself why therapy isn't posing as useful as I thought it would, like my therapist and I talked, I am doing the things I'm supposed to, and still, I'm not responding to it. It feels as a really weird mix between, well, we've been trying these things for about half a year now, but I also have to think that this stopped one month ago. It's a difficult thing to think about I guess. It's hard to truly believe that like more intensive things might actually be needed, without thinking I must be doing something wrong.

I've been thinking a lot (and also redirecting this thinking), that like "What if this is just life and I don't handle it right like everyone else" or "What if I'm just overdramatic or something, and maybe I'm in some way faking it" to like "What if I just need to learn how to live like this and be normal" I guess, and those thoughts hit a little harder some times more than others. But I'm not trying to stay up at night, waking up often, and having panic attacks where I start to wonder if I'll ever breathe again, I try to remind myself that like it's okay to be struggling. In my life there are a lot of perfections to be met, so fitting in with society would seem natural I guess. I play a year higher for sports, if I'm not on point, I don't get the spot on my team, if my schoolwork and grades aren't where I need them to be, I won't be able to do what I want when I'm older, there's more but those are two big ones.

I said I would be okay with inpatient or something like that, but I can't help feeling like I'm failing. Today was just everywhere, the past few days have been, really. I really am struggling not to think that I'm letting myself or someone else down, and am trying my best. It still comes back to that anger for me though, that I wouldn't be like this if she never came into my life... The hell she put me through for so long, and then got away with on top of everything, the things she took from me starting so young. It's hard to describe that kind of pain. I really can't wait to reach a day where it doesn't hurt so bad all the time. I'm so beyond tired of living like this...

April has hit hard, it's a month of not many great things, tomorrow is two years since I lost my friend who had just turned 16 in a car accident, in three days, that's one year since my last full suicide attempt that landed me in the hospital, and this month marks a year since the stalking. Lows are tough anyways, but today it got me to the point where I couldn't really take it and went for a run for a while outside, at some point I kind of just broke, which sucked but like eh, I'm home now and fine, although damn I live in a hilly area.

I do think though, that for Thursday I'm going to bring up those feelings around not trying enough and that I still am really struggling with all of that. I wrote it down and so yeah, that usually helps me at least know I have to try to bring it up.

[Mo]

I think talking about your feelings of not trying enough or being overdramatic/faking on Thursday sounds like a good idea. I don't know if it helps to know this, but that sort of thinking is pretty common for people who are struggling with ongoing mental health challenges and the aftereffects of trauma.
I think it's so easy to second-guess our own reactions or to think "gosh, I've been working on this for so long but I'm not better, or not *as* much better as I'd like to be, it must be because I'm messing up somehow;" I've certainly heard a lot of friends and loved ones express those sentiments, and felt them myself. I find that it's pretty easy to tell another person "of course your struggles are real, and you aren't faking anything" but it's much harder to believe that I am in that same boat; I tend to doubt myself more, in this area, than I doubt other people. I don't know if that rings true for you or not, but I wanted to point it out.

[0PT1M15T1C]

I do think it helps at least a little to know, thank you. Hopefully talking that through a little and ensuring that concern is heard will be helpful as well, I feel pretty nervous about saying it, like saying I'm worrying about faking it, so it's really nice to hear it's common. It's strange how easy it is to see in someone else, rather than for yourself, so it certainly rings true. It's so much easier to see my friends as trying rather than myself. Idk, I'd never judge my friends if they were in my situation but damn it's hard when you're there yourself.

[0PT1M15T1C]

Alright!

So, I just had my session with Michelle and like, she's awesome, I think anyways.

Today was somewhat as I figured with going over the essential things and going over what my parents talked about last week. What that looked like though was a lot different than what I had done before, she asked what had been helpful with previous counsellors and my therapist and what hasn't been so helpful, as well as I don't know, I just really like her. She did really seem to like actually understand and interpret the things I was saying rather than just taking note and leaving it, which was interesting.

For right now, what the plan is, is to space out my regular therapy I was doing before more, so we keep the relationship and don't lose the spot there in case and then continue with Michelle. I still just really kind of felt comfortable with Michelle easily and the way she did things, which is awesome.

She's kind of really looking at the whole gender piece and how my anxiety may play into that or what's going on there and just generally seemed to take a really good approach at that. So yeah, today was the basics as far as that, talked about the thoughts I've been having that sort of thing just so she has an idea - and I have homework pertaining to gender which is cool. She also suggested another queer space thing and so yeah, that's cool!

Sometimes actually saying things to my therapist is hard but they were actually really easy to just tell her today, which was one of my main fears.

Things were really kind of not going great and to be honest I was terrified of meeting her today but it went SO well and I'm glad.

[Sam W]

Hooray! I'm so glad you feel comfortable with Michelle, and it sounds like she's already digging into some of the stuff you were really needing support around, which is awesome.

[0PT1M15T1C]

I wanted to give a little bit of an update, if anything just to kind of get some things out.

So I had therapy yesterday, I had a meeting with my school counsellor today (that was mainly just about math because she's also a math teacher) and then I talk to my other therapist tomorrow, so that's like a lot.

This past week has been really quite difficult for me, I just really don't have motivation for anything and right now feel numb. Everything kind of feels like a battle and so that's not very fun. I had a week where I actually slept a lot and that was really nice, but recently I've been back to waking up a whole bunch if I even can fall asleep.

In general the feelings of anxiousness have been really bad, like going out (and following guidelines I should specify) with my family I get so scared so fast about just anything. It's been really weird because even though I've had good times, it always comes back to feeling sad, numb, or just full blown panic. School just seems to add on so much extra stress as well.

I know it's okay to make steps back because healing isn't linear but that doesn't stop it from sucking. Especially when I actually felt okay with my body for like a minute, that's just gone. I'll probably have a talk with my mom today, though that really scares me, I need to do it. I feel like she's been kind of catching on that I'm not doing great because she keeps doing check ins with me more now, so at least there's that. I still can't really get what happened out of my head, although I've been getting better at catching it, it's just really freaking hard. I'm still here though, so there's that, and I guess today (well, last night at like 11) is also 30 days clean from self harm, so that's like really good.

[Heather]

I'm so sorry that you're struggling so much, and you're right: while it's okay to backslide with progress with some of this stuff, that doesn't make it feel good! All the support from over here to you. <3

[0PT1M15T1C]

Thank you, Heather.

I just really wish I could have a break from feeling this way honestly. Everything hurts at this point and although I don't know what my mom will be able to do, maybe just talking to her will help. I really need to get out of this rut though.

[Karyn]

I'm so sorry you've been having a hard time and I totally understand just wanting a break from feeling crummy: sending lots of support your way. Sometimes just talking to someone and having them listen can definitely help, so I hope that if you do talk to your mom, that it's helpful.

[0PT1M15T1C]

Thank you <3

[0PT1M15T1C]

Okay I know this is another post but things are so freaking hard right now and I really just need to like say things so I hope that's okay.

I'm exhausted, every little thing just seems to take so much energy out of me. Simple acts like going to the bathroom when I actually should, speaking to those I love, playing with my pets all take so much out of me and I just find so difficult. They shouldn't be difficult.

I keep trying and telling myself I'll talk to my mom, but I just can't do it. I really know I should but part of me just wants to never speak again. The images just replay in my mind and I'm so sick of it, but I don't feel it anymore. I don't feel anything, really. Or I don't know if I'm just numb or if I'm just that sad. I don't know what is making right now so freaking hard, I've been trying to identify it but just can't.

I've been doing everything I can and it just doesn't go away. Went on a hike with my mom and brother the other day, felt great up to a point then everything just stopped. I've been drawing and writing, doing my best to run but school and lack of motivation makes that really quite difficult. Grounding constantly is so freaking exhausting to have to do all the time and there's times my anxiety is just like "Oh, cool, let's just hit right now" and I honestly start shaking it gets so bad.

My friend got in to see a psychiatrist, which proves to be extremely difficult when you need it, and I want to be happy for them, I mean I am but it just feels like the whole world is moving and I'm stuck in one spot unable to do anything. I'm so tired of everything at this point, I want to sleep and I just can't do it. I literally didn't do anything today, I mean I guess I got my chores done and talked to my counsellor but that's it. I didn't do a single bit of school or anything, instead I just laid in my bed and stared at my ceiling because that's all I had energy for.

I feel so alone despite being surrounded by my family. That's tough because like looking at my dad when I'm in these places just reminds me of my attempt. I know he cares about me and damn, I am trying so hard but my thoughts always go to that. I still feel so scared I'm letting my parents down or disappointing them, like I've just completely failed at everything. I wish I knew exactly why this was coming on, but I don't, and I also don't know what to do. The thought of talking to my mom absolutely terrifies me, not the act of actually talking, but saying I need to talk to her. That's scary and I already feel so exhausted, I really want to cancel therapy tomorrow but I know I shouldn't.

I think honestly I'm going to ask my parents if I can bring my dog upstairs and have them let her out later because snuggling with her (even though she sucks at it) just makes me feel safe and I really need that right now. It's also scaring me that I have therapy tomorrow, like I don't even know what I want to say to her. Like I can be honest or I can fake it, although it may seem like the right answer is to be honest, I have no idea what that even means.

So, Update-ish

Ended up texting my mom asking if she would come upstairs to cuddle or talk because I felt really alone... She basically said that I'm feeling alone because I'm bored, she said she'll be up in a few mintues but now I just want her not to. She said basically, she understands me being feeling alone because I'm bored but to remember she's currently on the opposite side of the spectrum because of things going on. I said basically to nevermind, and she said to not expect her to validate her feelings at the same time I dismiss hers... all I said was nevermind because I felt bad..

Idk man like I just literally can't take her getting upset, and if she gets upset, I don't know what to do.. Like I tried reaching out and this is exactly what I was scared of.