how would you handle this?

[Crystal_River]

Today my boyfriend and I talked about past relationships and talked about what we liked and disliked. I was truthful about most of it but only after he started talking about his past first. What I did not talk about was my best friend who is a girl and how we had a slight sexual relationship. We are still best of friends but no longer sexual because we both have boyfriends. I love her as a friend, and I love what we did together, but I don't want to tell him. I feel embarrassed on what we did together but I still love her. But now I think I should tell him because it was a beautiful sexual experience, I enjoyed being with her, and why should I feel embarrassed about telling my boyfriend about it? I told him about having sex with two other boys, but why should I withhold telling him about having sex with a girl?

[Jacob]

Hi Crystal_River!

That sounds like a great conversation to have had with your boyfriend. In personally don't think there's anything wrong with having some parts of your sexual more private than others, it makes sense to me that might be a slighly more difficult thing to talk about.

It might take a bit more groundwork for you to feel comfortable with that but I agree that it's nothing to feel embarassed about. I'm really happy just hearing that you can look back at past relationships that way, and I'd hope that he might feel lucky to have it shared with him.

I don't think you need to or that there is anything 'wrong' with not having told him. However it does sound like you maybe want to tell him and share it with him.... is that right?

Have you spoken much about sexual orientation or about having had same-sex relationships previously?

[Crystal_River]

lol, I don't even know what my sexual orientation is. I am a C/Q on the scale
No, no talk about anything when it comes to same sex relationships. I know he would GREATLY approve if I told him I was with a girl, but my same sex story is different because I was worried and questionable when I did it. Its a story with many errors, nothing sexy about it, but it became more natural for me later on. But I am still on the C/Q scale
And that is right, I would like to share it with him, but a way that's comfortable and a way that doesn't make him all excited.

[Jacob]

Hi again!

It sounds like the type of approval you'd predict from him could be part of the problem! It's a strange type of homophobia when guys make women's relationships with eachother all about them. I don't think it'd be a bad idea to let him know this is something that concerns you.

I don't think it'd be very kind or respectful for him to erase the complexity of your past relationships, so I want to add that him not doing that, and to listen to you acknowledging your experience, is also his responsibility and you'd have every right to be upset at him about it.

As a side note: I'm afraid I don't know what a C/Q is, would you mind clarifying?

[Crystal_River]

C/Q for me means curious / questionable. What I was trying to say is that I am curious about sex with girls but I question if I like being with them sexually.
When this covid-19 thing ends the three of us can all get together and I will see how he acts when I'm around her. Not in a sexual way but in a hanging out at Starbucks way.

[Jacob]

Ahah, I should have guessed that, thanks.

That sounds like it could be helpful, if your comfortable with it, and might make it easier to start the conversation with him afterwards or spot any red flags.