I just have to get this out in a safe place

[sky]

It went well on her end she said good things about it and me. I honestly went into it telling myself it was gonna be bad and I kinda tried for it to be bad on my end so I didn’t feel things but I still kinda did. We’ve been talking since last night and she wants to hang out more.

Insurance is coming soon, they said by the 15th I’ll have my application and it’s with work and I’m 99% I’m going to get it. Which will make therapy roughly $70 cheaper a month which is actually life saving for me. I do go see my psychiatrist on Thursday to get a prescription for my anti psychotic because that’s genuinely changed my life I’m so thankful for that pill. I think she might try to put me back on an antidepressant and I’m really scared of that because I’m not crazy about the last one I was one which is why I took myself off of it.

I don’t know how to communicate with her because I get nervous. Do you think you could kinda help me figure out what to say? I self harmed again and it’s been going worse since i last saw her and I don’t know if that’s something I should tell her because I honestly don’t see anything wrong with it. I’m not doing it to disappear or anything I’m doing it because I punish myself and it makes me feel better. I also don’t like how the anti depressants made me feel spastic I felt like I couldn’t control myself. Do I mention struggling with my identity to her and how that’s causing a lot of my depression?

I’ve honestly never know the difference on how to talk to therapists and psychiatrists. I don’t think you’re supposed to like tell your psychiatrist really anything other then how the meds are doing because the appointment is like 15 minutes or something like that. I know I burned bridges and stuff but I know you all are rooting for me to get help in any form at this point and I’m really anxious about this appointment because she’s nice but she’s very firm and thorough and it feels like she’s kinda mean and then I shut down because I can’t handle people being mean to me even tho she’s not really.

I’m sorry I’ve been a mess lately and I know you can’t help me anymore with certain things but maybe this is something that you could. If not, I understand fully. I don’t want anyone here mad at me. Please don’t be mad at me

Also, Heather you were right. Dating is something so far out of what I need. I just get lonely and want someone but I have my friends to help me I don’t need someone romantically at this point I’m not ready even though I sometimes think I am

[Heather]

Hey there, sky.

I see your posts, but I'm just here to remind you that Sam set a limit on us answering any more from you until you do get started with some mental healthcare. I see that that's what you're asking for here, so I recognize this is a bit of a conundrum. That given, I'll give you the high points, and then I need to shift back to letting posts go until you have that care in order to respect the limit and boundary Sam set.

Psychiatrists are generally the folks you see about medications. They should still listen to you about things other than how the meds are going in screening appointments (when you're a new patient). Some appointments once you're someone's patient will only be about renewing meds. When in doubt, ask the provider what you can talk to them about. I would strongly advise you take what your provider prescribes and NOT try and be your own doctor, including taking yourself off medications. That just generally isn't a good idea for any of us.

For sure, if you're just in an appointment about meds, psychiatrists may well shut you down if you start talking about other things or things outside what they can do: that's not them being mean, that's just usually them being doctors with very limited time (and often not the greatest of social skills).

Antidepressants should not impact spasticity, but I also think that might not be what you mean: I suspect you mean hyperactivity. When you have issues like that, the way to go is to tell your prescribing physician, and then see what they suggest: they might change your dose or the type you're taking, or they might suggest other things.

The prescribing psychiatrist is not likely to be able to help with the orientation and identity issues, because those things aren't likely to be helped much by medications. Those things are the kinds of things that talk therapy and other therapies counselors/therapists can provide help with.

I hope all that helps, and I hope you can get started with therapy. We are always rooting for you, even at times like these when we can't engage because we have limits and boundaries we need to hold.