I’m in love with two girls at the same time online - what to do?

[Sabine]

I also noticed you saying that you didn't want the relationships to overshadow your social life/life outside of romance -- I'm in total agreement with you there. Do you want to talk more about how this has come up in your relationships?

In general, I have noticed especially when finals are coming up and it’s so cold from where I am at, its hard for me to sleep and its hard to get out of bed in the mornings. I’m not sad, but I also do get tired in the middle of the day. This is especially hard when talking to people, especially when the Californian girl wanted to talk the second time and I didn’t answer because I was sleeping. She wants to talk to me more and I also want to talk to her, but feel guilty because I am coming into finals and I need the sleep.

It’s just mainly from her side because I do stuff more than her, like also cat sitting, Animal Crossing, helping other people, college apps and school projects. And yes, I have got to work on films as well. Other friends or understand and are busy in the same way, with work and commitments.

Sometimes in general I also feel like I forget about stuff like forget to answer texts, even though I am on my phone because dinner is ready or mom or dad is doing something with me.

[Sam W]

I will say that, since these two relationships are still pretty new, it's not that strange to still be working out where the boundaries in them need to be. For instance, with sleep and the time difference, it might just be a matter of talking with the California girl and picking out times of day when you two can talk so no one is calling when the other is asleep (or about to be asleep).

I think lots of people struggle with remembering to answer texts, especially if they're doing lots of other things. Would it help to set yourself a reminder on your phone to text people back?

[Sabine]

I will say that, since these two relationships are still pretty new, it's not that strange to still be working out where the boundaries in them need to be. For instance, with sleep and the time difference, it might just be a matter of talking with the California girl and picking out times of day when you two can talk so no one is calling when the other is asleep (or about to be asleep).

I think lots of people struggle with remembering to answer texts, especially if they're doing lots of other things. Would it help to set yourself a reminder on your phone to text people back?

Well, I eventually answer texts, but it helps for me to have a reminder. Like a note on my notes phone. Thanks so much! I want to get back into socializing, quarantine is weird.

[Sabine]

In addition, with my finals coming up, yesterday, I have discussed with the Californian girl about my finals and about the time and she said understood. She also wanted do a nighttime ritual for literally a minute she says goodnight and blows kisses to me. I said that I cannot do it every night, while she says that she would love to do it everyday she understands if I cannot do it every night.

This morning while I am studying, she asked me to talk to her for a minute while she is going to bed. It was just for a minute and it was not a big deal. However, in general sometimes I am out talking with my dad or I forgot her text and she sometimes texts me like that. She says she understands that, but I don’t know. She comes from a place of missing me and I do want to visit her, but in the face of me not getting enough sleep, I don’t know. When she says, “Can’t you just say goodnight for a second, even on the phone”, she misses me so bad and I like her, but I struggle a little with boundaries and trying to determine whether she understands boundaries.

I feel so bad because I am autistic and have OCD, she’s autistic as well and has anxiety as well. She has so many great qualities and I want to meet her. I also don’t expect her to look at my links but sometimes, on camera, she wants me to look at her links and music (link on videochat). How do I address those issues so I don’t destroy it or are we better off as friends?

[Sabine]

I’m going to try it tonight, but after my final exam and extra credit. The ritual that is, but I’m not sure if I would make that a daily thing or a thing at all.

[Sam W]

Hi Sabine,

If you want to try that ritual, that's certainly something you can do, but it's equally okay to have and hold that boundary about needing sleep or not being able to talk at certain times. It may also be a matter of feeling each other out as you get to know each other better: if you notice she's routinely poking at your boundaries, that may be a sign she's not a great person to pursue a relationship with.

[Sabine]

I do want to try the ritual. I really also want to talk to her more. We opened up to each other much more than we know and we have stuff in common, however, I don’t know if it’s me or whatnot, but I want to try hard to get that spark going again. I don’t know if it’s that I discovered much more differences or some of the dynamics have changed. I don’t want to compare girls either, I am tempted not too and I don’t know whether this other relationship is going to fade or not ...

She did apologize and I forgave her. However, she also sometimes would text me during my nighttime and would text after if I did not seem to reply. What would it mean that she pokes at my boundaries, I know she won’t do it on purpose, but again, sometimes it annoys me. How can I tell she understands what I am saying, like really?

[Heather]

Can I ask what happens if, when she does that, you gently remind her that you're sorry, but like you told her, you need a boundary part a certain time and you can't reply to her after then?

[Sabine]

Can I ask what happens if, when she does that, you gently remind her that you're sorry, but like you told her, you need a boundary part a certain time and you can't reply to her after then?

Sometimes she will acknowledge that, but when she is stressed and I don’t reply, she continues to text me. She says not to worry about it, but I don’t know ...

Maybe she doesn’t remember sometimes.

[Heather]

Sounds like perhaps you two need to have a conversation about it?

It's not hard to remember if someone we're dating says not to contact them past a certain hour. If we have a hard time, we can always write ourselves a note somewhere. I'd suggest you ask to have a conversation about it, and tell her that you need her to respect your boundaries, rather than not respecting them and asking you "not to worry about it." That's asking you to dismiss her stepping over your boundaries, which isn't okay.

[Sabine]

Sounds like perhaps you two need to have a conversation about it?

It's not hard to remember if someone we're dating says not to contact them past a certain hour. If we have a hard time, we can always write ourselves a note somewhere. I'd suggest you ask to have a conversation about it, and tell her that you need her to respect your boundaries, rather than not respecting them and asking you "not to worry about it." That's asking you to dismiss her stepping over your boundaries, which isn't okay.

Well sometimes, I write her past a certain time because she wakes up very early. But she doesn’t respond usually. This all started when I wanted to send her a few things (not expecting to get a reply) and then she said she’ll look at them and then said she wanted to call me. She apologized once she woke up, said she was half asleep so that’s the reason why and sent a bunch of gifs after that expressing her remorse.

I don’t know how to bring this up with her since I expressed concerns like this yesterday and she said she understood. But now I don’t know how to have a proper conversation without being unempathetic or cold. I’m not a cold person or a mean person and I don’t want to come off as that.

[Alexa]

I just want to reaffirm that it is not unempathic or cold to have boundaries! And, as Heather said, "forgetting boundaries" is not an excuse -- they are important and we need to set reminders for ourselves/rework our habits to meet people where they're at, comfortably.

These things also go both ways, so if you feel you may be contacting her too early, ask! And then make a point to respect whatever time boundaries she sets. If time zones are hard to navigate, you can even add apps to your phones/computer that show you the time in each other's time zones -- it's a helpful little trick

Can we maybe help you navigate these conversations and set up really firm and tangible boundaries with each other? Also, remember: setting an honoring boundaries is a sign of love. We wouldn't bother to put in this work with someone we didn't care about. That might help you with the worrying-about-being-cold thing <3

[Heather]

There's nothing cold or mean about having boundaries. Boundaries set limits for us to have space inside of. They aren't cold. They aren't unempathetic. We aren't without empathy to differentiate between ourselves and other people. This is how we have healthy interactions and relationships with other people.

You certainly will need to stick to your own boundaries, mind -- it's not going to work for you to set them then go outside them when you feel like it. You can always, for instance, send an email instead of a text if it's after the hours for texting and you want to leave her something special for the next day.

Being half asleep isn't an okay reason to break a boundary. If she can't control her actions when she's half asleep, then it's on her to manage her phone better knowing that, you know?

This doesn't have to be a big deal, this conversation. You can just say something like, "Hey, I need to just restate a boundary with text limit times so we're both clear and no one has to worry about overstepping. Can we agree to keep texts between the hours of whatever and whatever? And how about if we want to leave each other something outside those hours, we drop an email instead? Great, thanks! I really appreciate you being so respectful of my boundaries and my limits." Voila!

[Heather]

Also: what Alexa said!

[Sabine]

There's nothing cold or mean about having boundaries. Boundaries set limits for us to have space inside of. They aren't cold. They aren't unempathetic. We aren't without empathy to differentiate between ourselves and other people. This is how we have healthy interactions and relationships with other people.

You certainly will need to stick to your own boundaries, mind -- it's not going to work for you to set them then go outside them when you feel like it. You can always, for instance, send an email instead of a text if it's after the hours for texting and you want to leave her something special for the next day.

Being half asleep isn't an okay reason to break a boundary. If she can't control her actions when she's half asleep, then it's on her to manage her phone better knowing that, you know?

This doesn't have to be a big deal, this conversation. You can just say something like, "Hey, I need to just restate a boundary with text limit times so we're both clear and no one has to worry about overstepping. Can we agree to keep texts between the hours of whatever and whatever? And how about if we want to leave each other something outside those hours, we drop an email instead? Great, thanks! I really appreciate you being so respectful of my boundaries and my limits." Voila!

Okay, Heather, Alexa and I told her. Actually texting her which I shouldn’t be doing. She says “I guess I understand” but is hard for her and I told her I understand, but I want to see whether she can not forget that. Also I shouldn't have texted her such a long text, but that’s besides the point. I know she means well and I really want to go and visit her.

Also, I tried the nighttime ritual and it’s so sweet. I don’t want to do it every night, but it’s so cute.

[Sabine]

In addition, I want to tell you some feelings I had. I want to relieve them in some way, I know I am tired and this may be resolved, but here is what happened. I was going to talk to the Irish woman today, even arranged a time, when she got a head sore and she wanted to postpone. I agreed and I am especially worried for her. I would like to know I care for her, without overstepping bounds or looking creepy or going too fast.

She is also working in isolation and winter is not a good time for her. I’m really worried and I’m taking her word, because I would really love to talk to her more and she has been receptive back to my comments and has been apologetic whenever she cannot get back. I don’t know, I want to let her know I care without going overboard in this case, so for now I sent her a cat gif saying Get Well Soon and telling her about how I can relate. How can I hint more that I like her afterwards without going too fast?

She’s also been empathetic to me back, whenever I had an exam, she said she knows how I feel and she understood why I cancelled and the importance of me resting. She understood why I didn’t want to be on camera for when I had that mutant fever blister. So, I understand her pain and whatever I can do, I want to help her get through. We both understand us not replying. I don’t want to compare mine to my other relationship, but I want to be more involved with her (even though it may not happen) even though I understand we may not be able too because of her work and my school and applications. Sorry for disorganized rambling, but how can I state those things without other stepping boundaries, being too creepy, saying at the right time and (maybe, if I should sort it out with the Californian girl or not) letting her know about the non monogamy?

[Mo]

I think the best thing to do, if you want to tell her how you feel, is be pretty direct and keep it simple. I don't think there's anything creepy about telling someone something like "I really care about you and I'd love to find ways to connect on a deeper level or talk more often," and I don't think that would be overstepping, either.
In terms of discussing the non-monogamy issue, if you want to pursue a relationship with her that's something you could bring up whenever you talk about the potential of starting a relationship. If you haven't talked about that with the girl from California, that's something that would be important to do beforehand, also. (My understanding is that you have established that you're in a relationship with her but aren't in one with the girl from Ireland; apologies if I've gotten that wrong!) Essentially, if you want to be dating more than one person at a time I'd talk to them both about that so you can know that everyone is on board with the situation.

[Sabine]

That’s actually great! I’m just a little nervous I’m going to be telling her at the wrong time and that she may not love me. She seems quite receptive though and quite loving in return with her words. I would like to tell her when it’s the right time and perhaps after I talk with her next.

[Sabine]

I think the best thing to do, if you want to tell her how you feel, is be pretty direct and keep it simple. I don't think there's anything creepy about telling someone something like "I really care about you and I'd love to find ways to connect on a deeper level or talk more often," and I don't think that would be overstepping, either.
In terms of discussing the non-monogamy issue, if you want to pursue a relationship with her that's something you could bring up whenever you talk about the potential of starting a relationship. If you haven't talked about that with the girl from California, that's something that would be important to do beforehand, also. (My understanding is that you have established that you're in a relationship with her but aren't in one with the girl from Ireland; apologies if I've gotten that wrong!) Essentially, if you want to be dating more than one person at a time I'd talk to them both about that so you can know that everyone is on board with the situation.

Well you are kind of correct. I haven’t met the Californian girl yet and so I would say it’s more solid in terms of a relationship, but not where I can say “I love you” and fully know whether I miss her or not. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t. I have told her I am ethically non monogamous and I love people including her and that is apart of not only sexual fantasy, but lifestyle. But no, I haven’t and I’m nervous to tell her. She still accepts me, but I’m nervous what she will think about me dating another person. And I’m waiting on getting to know the other person before I tell her.

For me it’s in between just getting to know the two and maybe dating the two. I am trying to sort boundaries with the Californian girl as well, so there is that.

[Sabine]

Also to clarify on what the California said, she said it was hard not to bug me because I’m involved with stuff and I have all these friends and she doesn’t. That was why it’s hard also including time and sleep.

I really look forward fo her gift and I love her devotion and sweetness. She’s genuinely sweet.

[Alexa]

Just here to validate that it's hard to find the "right time" to re-establish boundaries or have a defining-the-relationship convo with someone! The best we can do is get to know our wants/needs as well as possible and express them with care <3

[Sabine]

Just here to validate that it's hard to find the "right time" to re-establish boundaries or have a defining-the-relationship convo with someone! The best we can do is get to know our wants/needs as well as possible and express them with care <3

Thanks for validating that

I really am thinking tomorrow of sending a text to the Northern Irish girl just sending her an image I drew for my insta and writing how much I miss talking to her or something like that, I don’t know. I don’t want to be too overbearing.

I also get a feeling, like I want to talk to her so bad, like I am already missing talking to her. Like we have so much in common I want to chat more in person with her. Like I don’t want to compare girls, but I want to get to know her more and I wish I can be there. It’s so irrational of me to say, but I don’t love her, I just want to talk to her and develop that connection more. I’m deeply attracted to her, more so than when I first matched with her (that was when I first thought it was going to be a flicker of a fling) and that may fade too.

I don’t want to loose my connection I have with the one in California, if I don’t establish those boundaries and figure out what new conversation topics to talk to her about at the same time. I like her genuinely, but it’s like sometimes I have to be the one who talks intellectually. I wonder if I am being selfish by talking about one topic or topics I like or we end up talking about the same things or she ends up saying the same things (good as well, but still). It’s complicated. How do we talk about different things or do different date ideas? I have some, but maybe I can purpose a time.

[Sabine]

Well, I sent my message to the Irish girl. A short sweet message. I hope that she will see it and reply to it and that she feels better. Some part of me wonders that she said she had a head sore because she didn’t want to talk to me, but then I remember she apologized for that and that she replied previously to my messages. She also said she cannot wait for me to reply.

Either way, I hope to see her again. I hope I don’t obsess about this too much and her. I hope she gets better soon and she actually wants videocall me as well, like she does before.

[Mo]

I think sending her that message and then doing your best to step back and give her space to reply when she's ready, like you're doing, is the right call!

[Sabine]

I think sending her that message and then doing your best to step back and give her space to reply when she's ready, like you're doing, is the right call!

Thanks so much! I hope she’s okay and in the end I don’t obsess.

I want to also address two things. I truly do love my relationship with the girl in California, but as you know I am working on some boundaries and I am also working on being engaged with her and her interests more. Like doing fun dates and checking out what she talks about and try to understand them, specifically the music she likes. I haven’t checked in with her with how much she checked out with music I sent, but she has wanted me to check out her music, videos and links on camera after she sent it to me together more so than I have.

Secondly, even though I like the California girl, I long to talk to the Irish girl I recently sent a text too. I really want to talk to more stuff I have in common with in her, even with the fact that we both live in different countries and that we don’t know were we are from. I can’t describe this longing, but I can’t miss her because I didn’t meet her and I also don’t want my longing for her to become an obsession. That word even to describe my feelings, is a bad thing. I don’t think I even have the expectation, I have the hope she will text me back and would want to talk to me. I would blame myself if she didn’t, my obsessive compulsive disorder because I should have told myself and I should be focused on doing other stuff and dedicating myself to the California girl.

I don’t know what’s going to be the outcome, but I feel that my strong feelings of attraction (physically, emotionally and intellectually) and longing for the Irish girl may become a detriment, may become an obsession (because that’s what my dad is making sure that is). I feel it’s not, but I am not so sure. I don’t know what’s going to come of it, but how do I reconcile those feelings and not worry about what’s next? How do I focus on improving my current relationship as well? At any point how do I do an evaluation? How do I have more to talk about with her and do with her? Or talk about what she wants to without being so opinionated, yet giving my voice?