I was wondering how to approach this topic with my mom...

[chalk]

My boyfriend of 2 years (we're both 18) is coming over to my hometown for holidays. He and I live in a different town since we go to school there. My mom seems to be totally okay with that, but she told me to think about sleeping patterns. We only have 2 rooms with beds in them, since our apartment is small. He and I would really love to sleep in the same bed ONLY for cuddling and hugging -- and definitely wouldn't do anyhing! Even if we did engage in sexual behavior before, we agreed to absolutely not do that in my house at night and just be respectful. (This is 100% definite, we won't end up having sex if we get the chance because - I know what I'm saying - we will NOT). I'm afraid to ask my mom about it. I trust her, but this is awkward. I want to let her know that we aren't going to engage in anything inappropriate, but I'm still afraid that she still might not be OK with that and it may end up awkward. I couldn't even know what she could think about this. Is 'we only want to sleep next to each other' even a reasonable thing to say? How do I approach this? She can trust me - hell, she can trust him too - and I want her to know that. Is what we want wrong? I don't want to ask about this and later regret it and be ashamed that I asked.

[Heather]

It sounds like you know what you want to tak about, and also like your mother has already opened the door to this conversation for you.

Okay, it might be awkward: that's okay. When these conversations are new, they often are, but that's okay. I also think it will likely be okay if she isn't okay with what you're asking about. It's not like we can't keep having a good relationship with someone where we asked for something they said no to or were not okay with, right? There's no shame in asking for something from someone and not having them say yes.

I think you can say all the things you have said right here, and by all means, "We just want to experience sleeping next to each other," is not only totally valid, but a thing a lot of people want in intimate relationships, be they platonic friendships or sexual relationships.

[chalk]

Thank you for support - I think I'm going to talk to her tomorrow!
I'm a little concerned just because I'm not used to talking about such topics with her - she is very warm, caring, and open to talk about anything, but I'm always kind of ashamed when talking about very personal things. And well, I think she's aware of it, so I might surprise her in a positive way if I approach her first -- and handle the conversation like a mature person. But I wish she had given me some hint about those sleeping patterns, like, what does she expect me to suggest. Or will asking to share a bed surprise her in a negative way? I don't know why it would, though -- as you said, it's something completely normal, and it makes me feel much better that an adult thinks that.
I know that at this point you can't help me a lot with this issue, but I feel better posting here and it also kind of prepares me for asking her.

[Heather]

Any idea where that shame is coming from?

I'd add that her even saying what she did sounds to me like someone making clear you may have things you want and that they are open to negotiating them with you. After all, if she had very strong feelings about this, she likely would not have left that open, but instead said something like, "But when he's here, I'm not okay with you sleeping in the same place." You know?

She may not have any particular expectations about what you'll ask for, so I'd walk in figuring she doesn't. But even if she does, again, it's not like that's okay, nor that it means a) you can't negotiate, or b) that what you want -- if it is different than what she wants -- isn't okay.

[Mo]

It is possible that if your mom had really strong opinions on what she felt was acceptable, in terms of sleeping arrangements, she would have mentioned them up front - this could be her way of giving you a hint about how she feels, or at least about her openness to negotiation. But really, there's not a sure-fire way to know what she's thinking or how she'll react, and that's true for any sort of personal conversation, you know? But you've said she's open and caring, so it sounds like even if she doesn't see eye-to-eye with you, it's something you'll be able to discuss.

One thing that can help me if I start a conversation about something I know will be awkward is to lead with that: "wow this can feel really awkward to talk about, but here's how I'd like to handle sleeping arrangements..." It's ok to acknowledge that feeling, and sometimes it helps ease tension.

[chalk]

Yes, all that makes sense. About the shame I'm having, I'm not sure, it's not really a 'problem', it just makes it a little awkward talking about some deep and personal feelings to a member of the family.
I also hope it won't be awkward with her the whole time he's there. Of course we won't keep kissing the whole time in front of my family but how exactly do we act? We're both shy with other people, but I shouldn't turn all shy in front of my own family and just make everything uncomfortable for everyone.

[Heather]

Well, how do you usually act around other people? In other words, when you're not alone and in private, do you not already know how to behave together in ways that are generally comfortable for you both and others in public?

[chalk]

Well, I know, but I've never been in a situation like that before, it's the first time I'm bringing a significant other home (it's my first SO ever anyway) so I was wondering what I should pay attention to.

[Sam W]

I think you've already hit upon the big thing to watch, which is how demonstrative you and your boyfriend are with each other around your family. You have a better gauge of what your family feels is appropriate than we do, so you'll have a better sense of what they might view as "inappropriate." Sometimes it can help to watch what other couples in your family do when at family gatherings, as a kind of base line.

[Heather]

I think it can also be helpful to just figure, as a general rule of thumb, that while generally affectionate behaviour in public will not bother most people - hand-holding, hugging, mellow kisses - anything you feel like comes more from a place of sexual behaviour or desire tends to be what most people do not feel comfortable being made part of when it is not theirs, at public gatherings, etc.

So, these things vary based on how individuals feel, but on the whole, makeout sessions are a no, for example, but light kisses on the cheek or lips are probably okay. And of course, the comfort of you and your boyfriend is part if this, too. Some couples feel like any kind of physical affection in front of others is not comfy for them, others feel,like most of it is.

Again, if you and your boyfriend have been at school together, out shopping or grabbing a meal, at the movies, on the bus, etc. you probably already know a lot of this, and the same stuff applies here.

[chalk]

Just thought I'd let you know that everything went well and I had nothing to be afraid of related to asking my mom. She herself suggested that he and I sleep in the same room/bed, so I didn't even have to ask. Also, our behavior won't be a problem.