I don't know what to do

[jenny01]

Things to know about me:
- I was homeschooled since 4th grade
- I have never been in a relationship
- I'm a 19 yr old female
- I'm straight

Ok so I'm super stressed about my love life. I don't have one. I'm horny af and I'm lonely. I want to be loved by someone. I'm taking online college classes so I can't meet anyone new. All of my guy friends are either at college, going off to college, or I just don't like them sexually. I really want a boyfriend. I really want to have sex too. I literally masturbate everyday(sometimes twice a day). I'm tired of doing it myself though. I just want someone. All I have are fictional and celebrity crushes which aren't cutting it anymore. Please tell me what I should do. I'm desperate.

[Heather]

Hey there, Jenny.

I'm sorry that you're feeling so lonely and so isolated.

I think one tricky part in this is that I'm hearing a lot about what you want and need for yourself, but the thing is that once there's another person in this mix, they're going to come to this with wants and needs, too. So, I hear that you want to be loved and that you want to have your sexual desires met: are you also feeling like you want to love someone else and be someone who is going to be open to someone else's desires, including the ways in which you two may be different? Including the ways in which a relationship or interaction with someone else won't just be about meeting your needs? Are you also ready for what seeking out someone with this involves, which usually means at least some -- and sometimes a good deal of -- rejection, or not finding the right person -- before you find someone who does feel like a good mutual fit to start exploring things with? That process can ask for a lot of patience, and if you feel desperate, that patience isn't always easy to manage.

I ask that all in earnest to figure out what to best suggest for you, so let's see how you feel about that and we can take this from there.

[jenny01]

I understand being in a relationship means fulfilling the other person's needs. And I'm willing to do that. I just want someone to be with. I want to love someone and be loved. I don't feel like anyone sees me as attractive though. Like they wouldn't be sexually attracted to me. I have a lot of great guy friends but they don't seem to like me sexually. Especially when I'm compared to my cooler, prettier, younger sister. We're literally always together. Everyone sees us as "The Girls". I'm the crazy, loud one and my sister is the normal one. So I'm always being compared to her. So it's really hard to figure out if someone likes me or my sister. It's usually her.

[Emily N]

Hi jenny01,

I understand the desire and need to be loved by someone else, and it can be really disheartening to feel like no one is attracted to you in this way. But I want you to know that this is NOT a reflection on your attractiveness or desirability. As Heather mentioned, the process of finding a partner requires a lot of patience and often involves rejection. But you can remind yourself that even if you are feeling discouraged about finding love now, this feeling isn’t likely to last forever. It may just take time to find the people you connect well with.

It’s also not very helpful to compare ourselves to others, especially our siblings. I also have a sister and she and I are also often referred to as “the girls”. I don’t love this for many reasons, mostly because 1) the term “girl” used by someone older than myself feels demeaning and 2) most importantly, my sister and I are our own people with very different interests and ways of approaching life. It sounds like you and your sister are very different people too, and this is something you can both embrace! You should both be loved for your own attributes, and neither of you is more desirable than the other. If you feel like other people are comparing you, do you think it would be worthwhile to have a conversation with them about how that makes you feel?

[Heather]

Stepping to the side of this issue, and what you see as a barrier, with your sister for the moment, it may also be that your current friends aren't the right dating pool for you right now, including because you clearly don't feel like they are, and because that's a circle that includes your sister, where you feel such a confidence gap.

I hear you on what you want, and I am also hearing that you feel ready to also give those things reciprocally. That given, we have to of course build love relationships (being sexual with other people is something where we have some more options: we can, on the other hand, if that's something you're interested in, have sexual interactions in a more immediate way). Either way, though, it still may take some time and still involves some kind of process to meet people, as well as potential rejection and the time it takes to find people that you yourself feel interested in and where that's mutual.

Just because you're in online classes doesn't mean you can't meet new people. You have a few options for that. Online dating is one option, and one where most of us start these days when we're dating, pandemic or not. How do you feel about that?

[jenny01]

My parents would freak out if I started online dating. They hate social media. I just got IG after Christmas and I'm freaking 19 yrs old. And I don't know how I feel about it. I'd rather probably meet them in person.

[jenny01]

I'm 19 and I still haven't had my first kiss yet. Do you know how crappy that makes me feel? Especially when all my friends have bfs/gfs, are getting married, or getting pregnant. The only way I can reduce my horniness is by masturbating. Which my parents don't know I do (and if they did, they'd freak out). I'm just tired of having to fulfill my own sexual needs. I want someone who I can love and who can love me. I want to make someone sexually pleasured and I want someone to pleasure me.

[Heather]

Jenny:

Before you added this, I had initially responded differently. I left that response at the end of this one for you.

I'm very sorry that you're feeling so bad about your pacing with your romantic and sexual experience. I absolutely understand how that can be painful: I've heard from a lot of people over the two decades + I've been doing this in similar spots who have felt like you are, as well as people feeling lonely like you do. I understand what you want.

The thing is, there's no instant button to make this person magically appear, not for anyone, and to be really honest, when the motivation is something like "I'm tired of having to do it for myself," it's often going to be even harder because that kind of headspace just doesn't tend to be all that appealing to other people in a potential partner, you know? But whatever your motivation, in order to find potential sexual and romantic partners, you're still going to have to seek them out and do the things we all do to seek them out, a thing that often not only takes effort, but also often takes time and a good deal of patience, not to mention resilience.

Right now, you sound like you're in a pretty rough spot, which is hardly surprising given that it sounds like you've been pretty isolated -- and more than just pandemic-isolated -- and also potentially limited in your autonomy so far. It also sounds like the situation with your parents is thorny, to say the least. In the response I was going to post, I suggested talking about greater autonomy may be for another day, but honestly, I'm wondering if that might actually be something for you to start to work on sooner rather than later. It might have you feeling better about yourself and your life AND give you more freedom to start meeting people and dating, you know?

My initial response before I saw your second post: Well, at 19, it might be that one thing you need to do is to start having some conversations with your parents about getting some more autonomy now that you're an adult. But that may be a conversation for another day.

Meeting people in person right from the start, with no online component, is still a little tricky now at this stage of the pandemic (and at this stage of dating in the world, historically), and obviously might get impossible if we wind up in another lockdown. But for now, you may still have some options with that. Volunteering in person is one way to meet new people, as are things like in-person community classes (not through a college, but through a community center, which Mpls has a handful of across the city -- I lived there for six years, so I'm fairly familiar still).

You can also ask friends about setting you up with people they know who are looking to date: that's another option.

How are any of these options landing?

[jenny01]

So I posted a response before my those last two but it didn't post apparently.

So I don't have a job and I can't drive bc I have epilepsy(henceforth the no job). Bc of that I can't meet people since I don't work somewhere. My parents don't want me to have a job bc they'd have to drive me. And I get that but it's still upsetting. They do buy me everything I want. And you said the situation with my parents is thorny. I just want to say I love my parents. They're great! But they are really strict sometimes. And not being able to drive myself places sucks! That's one of the reasons I'm so isolated too. My sister should be able to get her license soon so hopefully that will help.

And you talked about volunteering or community classes. There's still the driving problem. And I just don't like volunteering and my only interests really are tv and movies and things that cost tons of money(like cruises, concerts, amusement parks, etc.) that my parents pay for.

This might all sound really stuck up, but it's just how I am and how I was raised.

[Urna]

Hello jenny01,

I'll respond directly to some of the points you've raised here, by helping to brainstorm solutions. You said you don't have a license yet--have you explored public transit options in your city? Also, I know next to nothing about your condition and how debilitating it is for you, but I have people in my life who have epilepsy and still lead full professional lives outside of their homes. Have you talked to your parents or a medical professional about the possibility of getting a job (maybe one that allows you to work remotely, so that you don't have to leave the house much)?

I won't lie, it does sound stuck-up to say that you don't like volunteering and are only into things like media consumption, luxury experiences, and thrillfests, especially in the current political and cultural climate. If you're saying this on the basis of bad volunteering experiences you've had in the past, it is possible that you don't dislike volunteering per se, but that you didn't like the specific volunteering jobs you have done, or the places where you volunteered. I'd advise you to look into different kinds of volunteering jobs you could do, based on your pre-existing interests. Tell us about the things you like (aside from the things you mentioned already), and we could brainstorm potential places where it will be fun to volunteer. As a volunteer here on this website, I have no hesitation in telling you that volunteering is super fulfilling, and also helps you make new friends and meet new people at the speed of light.

The take-a-fun-class option still exists, of course. You could get there using public transport, Uber, or your sister's license once she gets it. How does that sound?

[Heather]

Just a P.S. to Urna's reply, I started having seizures when I was around 11, and have had a couple types of epilepsy throughout my life since. Most of the time, I've been able to take medication that has controlled my epilepsy so that it's allowed me to do things like drive (I don't now, but I used to), get around on public transit or on a bike, work a wide range of jobs, and socialize without my epilepsy getting in the way. I know that sometimes, though -- and I've had times like this myself -- epilepsy can't be managed well by medications, or is in a spot where you're having to have a bunch of tests run, or keep trying different things to find what works while still having active seizures.

Happy to talk with you about managing it and living with it if you want. I don't know if it's that you're in a spot like I was talking about at the end of that paragraph, if you're having a tough time finding treatment/management that works, or if, for whatever reason, you are not having any kind of treatment for it at all, but either way, it usually doesn't have to be a major life impediment for most folks, especially not over time.

[jenny01]

I can't take a bus bc that still requires me to get to a bus station. And the cost of Uber rides would rise very quickly. Plus I don't think my parents would want me to use public transportation since it's "dangerous". I also can't ride a bike. Well, I can but I can't stop unless I fall over. So that's not really an option.

And I plan to get a at-home job after I get my diploma from my college in the spring. But the point is that I want to leave the house. And meet people.

I have volunteered a few times with my church before. I just find it tiresome. I only have two hobbies: watching tv and movies and making reels on IG with my sister occasionally. I get up in the morning and get ready, then I do school, then I eat lunch, then I do more school until dinner, after dinner I shower. I'm so brain exhausted at the end of the day that all I want to do is climb in bed and watch tv. I do school all the time. I want to become a graphic designer. That is something I'm interested in. I'm going to be taking college classes for that in the fall.

And I am currently doing a little better with my epilepsy at the moment. I had brain surgery when I was 16 where they inserted a deep brain stimulator in me. When it didn't do exactly what they wanted, I switched meds. Now I'm on the depo birth control shot to help control them. I only had like 6 seizures last month. I used to have like 30 a month.

I don't think I'll ever be able to drive though. I have to go 6 months without a seizure. With all of this, it's hard to go out and meet people. I like never leave the house unless I make plans with friends or my parents take us out to dinner. I don't even really go to friend's house. My parents always have us throw the parties(partially since then they don't have to drive us). When my friend's do throw parties, my dad will take us. But even I don't like driving to their houses bc they all live like an hour away. And I love staying home and watching tv, or doing school(I like making my own schedule), or throwing parties, but sometimes I just want to go and meet new people.

[Heather]

That sounds like a pretty tough seizure disorder, and like it's been very hard to live with. 30 seizures a month is so many, my goodness. (and ugh, I remember things like all the brain scans and all the things they try -- it's so much.) I'm glad that you've been able to reduce them so drastically recently. But I also understand how with this level of things, that's created and still creates some big limitations.

I'm taking in all of what you're saying here. I do hear you, but I do need to tell you that it sounds like you're pretty used to, in some ways, being able to kind of get delivered a lot of what you want. Alas, that's not going to work when it comes to intimate relationships or meeting people. Something is going to have to give here.

It sounds like one of the biggest things that's going to need to change is that your parents are just going to have to start giving you some more autonomy. Are you up to talking with them about that and working towards some negotiation, things like working out ways for you to be able to get to the bus or light rail, or using whatever you want to online? Since it sounds like they have financial means, what about asking for some family therapy centered on working out how to transition you to having more freedom and autonomy?

In terms of connecting with other people, you will have to do things like be willing to go see them as often as they'd come to see you, to explore interests that aren't just yours, and to try some new things. You'll also need the energy to pursue these relationships, on top of the time and freedom: I'm hearing you say right now you don't really have that, but maybe this, again, is something where it might be a matter of rearranging your life to make some room for this part of it you want?

[Marisha]

Hi jenny01,

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling lonely, and that you have to figure out how to balance your social aspirations with controlling parents and a neurological disorder Being young is hard, isn't it?

Here's my take: first, you and I both know that you're way too old for your parents to have so much control over your social life, even if you do still live with them. I think you should consider working on this aspect of your relationship, but since you're immediately dependent on them, let's work with what you've got: You say that they are concerned for your safety and that you can't really travel on your own, but you also alluded to the fact that they 'buy you everything you could want.' So, why don't you have a rideshare budget/allowance?

I'd like to know more about your romantic history. Have you ever tried to start a relationship with someone or tell them that you're interested? I ask in part because I want to know if you have tried these things. I think sometimes people who are inexperienced can get caught up in comparing themselves to others and assume that relationships are just things that occur easily to others but not themselves. Unfortunately, however, a sex life is not something that falls out of the sky. So, let's discuss: have you ever told someone that you had feelings for them, or tried to initiate physical activity?

Lastly, on the matter of getting out and meeting people: I myself have been in this same trap of not having stuff to do and being unable to meet people. I would suggest some of the following:
- Go on Facebook or Eventbrite and look for free/low-cost events in your area
-You're in college? Great! Where are the college students in your area known to hang out? Is your college holding in-person or virtual events?
- I totally get if you want to steer away from using The Apps to meet people, but I would invite you to consider approaching your use of them for flirting practice. Learn how to approach people in a controlled environment, that sort of thing.

And also, since you brought it up before: what would your parents do if they 'freaked out' over you using a dating app? Is this a 'they would nag and be super annoying' sort of thing, or 'they would cut you off or threaten you?' If it's the first one, then WHO CARES. If it's the second, we should definitely talk about how to approach setting boundaries and becoming more independent from them, because seriously, that is very toxic behavior.

[jenny01]

My mom is always telling me that she'd love to see me go out on my own and be responsible for myself. The problem is that I'm a middle child so my older siblings did all the things my parents want me to do. I just learned how to clean a bathroom when I was 16. I didn't have to clean bathrooms, or mow the lawn, or cook, or whatever bc my older siblings did it for me. And I was never taught how to do it. I did laundry for the first time when I was 18. I did it bc we were running out of clothes and my parents were at the hospital with my grandparents. I was being responsible. I had to call both my older brothers and my best friend to ask them what to do. Also, since I'm not actually going to college my mom didn't teach me any life skills like when my brother went to college. She always tells me to show her that I can live on my own, but I can't when I have school all day. And when my mom teaches me things I get frustrated bc if I don't do exactly what she does she gets mad and tells me that I'm doing it wrong. Like this one time, I was trying to be nice and asked her if I could help with dinner. She told me to chop peppers. So I started chopping and two minutes later she came over and told me to chop them in a certain way. I was doing just fine. But she just finished chopping them by herself bc she didn't like the way I was doing it.

And my parents aren't going to let me do whatever I want online. They hate social media. I just got IG after this Christmas. They told me I could either have IG or FB. I wanted SC too, but they don't know anything about it. If I got an app they didn't want me to have they would take away my phone. They just got me my first phone when I was 18. Being homeschooled and not having a phone makes a person really lonely. They were very strict about media when I was in high school. I was only allowed to watch Disney and Nickelodeon and they didn't even let me watch all the shows on them. When I turned 18, I got to watch whatever I wanted. I still have to keep my phone upstairs when I go to bed. I want to ask them if I can have it in my room now, but I'm afraid my mom will say no. My parents would freak out if they knew I was on Scarleteen.

They wouldn't want to do a ride allowance bc they wouldn't want me to get rides alone from strangers.

There are college events but it's still the matter of not having a ride. In the fall, I am signing up for a college small group with my sister and two friends. So I'll be doing that.

And I have had crushes before. Most of the guys knew I liked them either bc I told them or bc they found out from someone else. My one friend liked me but he was like 3 years younger than me and I saw him as a brother so I turned him down. That's all my romantic history. I've never been in a relationship before and I really long for one.

[Marisha]

So, you're mom frequently asks you to prove your capacity for independence, but knows that you're still new in your self-sufficiency and criticizes you when you try. You're supposedly allowed to have anything that you want, but your spending is still restricted, and it sounds like your parents are unwilling to help you commute to a job if you ever got one, so you're dependent on them for money. Your parents also restrict your ability to travel, use social media, and even what you watched on tv until very recently. It sounds like in order to live the life you want to be living, you should start looking into options that would help you become more independent. When it comes to essential life skills like washing clothes or cooking, you can always find instructions online! And it definitely doesn't sound like you're incapable - just limited. How do you feel about all this? It sounds pretty stressful.

You said your sister is getting a license soon, but do either of your friends currently drive? Maybe you could recruit a less restrictive relative, or parent/relative of a friend? City shuttle?

In terms of finding people: are you involved in any study groups? Do people have virtual club meetings at your school?

So it sounds like you've had people show interest in you, but it wasn't reciprocated. What are you looking for in a partner?

[jenny01]

It is very stressful. And it's not that they're unwilling(well kinda) to drive me. It's just I have a lot of younger siblings and they're really busy since they homeschool them. They don't want to take time out of the day to drive me places. My older sister often drops her kids off at my house for my mom to babysit, so that is also a reason that my parents are busy. I told my mom that I could ask my grandma if she could drive me, but my mom said that I can't just expect my grandma to not be busy and drive me places. My parents constantly ask me, "If you were on your own, what would you do?" (like if I didn't know how to do something). I always say I'd Google it, but they say that it doesn't work like that. But it does!

All of my friends can drive. And my best friend is really good at picking me up and dropping me off when we do stuff together. But my friends all live at least a half hour away (or more) from me. And it's hard to ask them to go out of their way to drive me somewhere since they're all busy with jobs.

I'm not in any study groups since I don't need help studying. I'm an honors student. That's why I do school all day long. And my school had some but they're going back to being in person now, so that requires a ride.

I want a guy who has great hair , is great with kids, is a Christian, is comfortable with my crazy, loud family, has a sense of humor, plays guitar preferably(my dad and all my brothers all play guitar, they might like him more lol), and is sweet and sensitive but also isn't afraid to take risks.

[Emily N]

Hi jenny01,

It sounds like at least both you and your mom want you to have more independence, but it certainly is frustrating if you don’t feel you are getting the support you need to get there. Are there any life skills that you want to learn now? Would you consider asking your siblings to help you to learn, or if you could watch them do it a few times? But you are right that you can learn a lot by Googling things, especially if you are given the chance to practice skills you learn on the internet in real life. It can feel empowering to have certain skills whether or not you are living on your own or with family.

I’m sorry to hear how difficult it has been to get transportation, it sounds like you are thinking creatively about asking others for rides but with not much luck How about Marisha’s suggestion for public transportation?

Would you consider joining study groups for the social aspect regardless of if you feel they would be helpful for schoolwork? Or would you be interested in any opportunities for peer tutoring? Or are there clubs/social groups at your school you could join? I see what you mean about trouble finding a ride. Do you think your parents would be receptive to giving you a ride if it were scheduled for the same time each week, and you had a conversation that approached both the time and energy that driving requires of them while also recognizing how important the ride is for you?

It sounds like you have given a lot of thought to some of the characteristics you want in a partner, but what about characteristics of the partnership itself? What is it you want from a relationship, and what aspects of yourself are you excited to bring into a relationship?

[Tess V]

Hi jenny01,

I'm catching up on this thread, but it seems like there is a lot of confusion regarding what "independence" means to you and to your parents. Have you tried having a conversation with your parents or with your mom about "what does it mean to them to be independent?", what would that look like? That could be a good opportunity to discuss the things you could start to put in place to truly become independent.

The idea of peer tutoring from Emily is a great point. It sounds like you're really clever and great at school! Tutoring could be a great way for you to meet new people AND make some money without requiring transportation.
Another idea for work/volunteering and independence could be to work or volunteer at a summer camp in your area. You wouldn't need transportation every day, you could meet new people and try new things.

Is any of these ideas sound like something you would like to try or discuss further?

Tess

[jenny01]

I'm pretty sure my mom thinks of independence as moving out. Rn I don't have the money to move out, my mom doesn't think I'm ready, and I'm trying to earn a diploma so I have a lot of school.

My parents wouldn't want me to use public transportation, bc they think it's "dangerous". We're going to Disney World in August and at first it was going to just be my parents, me and my sister(18), and my three younger sisters. If we had adjoining rooms, my parents were going to put me, my sister, and our 6 yr old sister in a room. But if they weren't adjoining, my parents were going to do girls room and boys room. Our rooms would've been right next to each other, but they thought it would be dangerous to leave us in a room that didn't adjoin. Now my aunt is coming so we'll share a room with her.

They might be receptive if it were a club at a certain time each week, but idk how the clubs work. They usually are planned by students. Me and my best friend were going to start a club, but being in a club was just too much with our school and my friend's work schedule. As for tutoring, I attend a online community college where the students are all adults going back to school. There are very few college aged kids. My parents would not approve of 36 yr old men who I've never met before to come into our house.

I once was telling my parents about how I didn't know I had an upcoming exam until my friend told me. My mom asked what friend? Bc obviously I don't know anyone at school. I told her that his name was Seth. And my dad said oooh Seth(like a teasing Settthh). I said hold up, Seth is like 24 and I'm pretty sure he's a convict(I had looked him up online since I didn't know who he was and I had talked to him last semester without knowing this). My mom freaked out. She called me back to talk to me. She was like number 1. he's way to old for you and 2. what are you guys talking about? You're not sending him anything are you? I was like mom! We talk about homework and I'm not gonna send a guy who I'm pretty sure is a convict anything! So that's the trust level we have apparently. Also my parents wouldn't want me to go to camp by myself(with my epilepsy) and I have no desire to go to camp since I hate camping and the outdoors.

As for a relationship, I want someone I can spend time with. I want someone to be intimate with. I want someone who cares about me and who I can care for. Rn my "boyfriend" is my best friend. We're both tired of not having an actual one. I want someone to snuggle with and go on adventures with. I don't want to be alone anymore.

[Sam W]

Hi jenny,

If you parents (or at least your mom) view independence as you one day moving out, then I think it's time for a conversation about how they expect you to get to that point. Are they envisioning you eventually being in an academic context where you'd be living away from them? That you'll move out when you get a full-time job? Something else? The more you have a sense of what they're picturing, the better equipped you'll be to work towards the kind of independence you want.

Too, it sounds like your parents have a lot of fear or distrust of the wider world in general that it might be helpful to push back on (like, for example, assuming someone who might have been formerly incarcerated is automatically out to scam you or is otherwise dangerous) especially for the sake of your eventual independence. For instance, the idea that public transportation is "dangerous." In reality, public transportation is just a way lots and lots of people get to school, work, etc. What if you tried taking short trips on it, either with siblings or friends or even on your own? Would your parents outright bar the door and stop you? Or would they mostly just fuss about how dangerous it was?

I'm hearing that a lot of the ways we've recommended you meet potential partners either aren't available to you or are unappealing to you. So, a helpful question to ask yourself might be: if you could snap your fingers and this would go exactly how you wanted it to, how would you meet partners?

[jenny01]

Well rn my plan is to keep doing school online and after I get a diploma from my current school, I'm going to get an at-home job and keep working on my graphic design classes until I get my bachelors degree. I don't actually really know what I'm going to do when I finish my schooling. My dream is to get a job as a Graphic or UI designer in Cupertino, California at Apple Inc. But I also have to see what my epilepsy is doing.

And they do. They don't trust it at all. They said I knew nothing of the world. Which is false, bc I do know things. They obviously don't want me to get mugged or raped or killed or anything, but they do need to let me do things by myself. My parents dislike the LGBT+ community very strongly. We went to the mall yesterday and my mom was complaining about how she saw two pride couples and a guy wearing a skirt. It's like you need to calm down(TSwift reference if any one got that).

Short story: I'm taking summer classes so I have a lot of homework since they're trying to fit a whole semester into 10 weeks. Anyways, my family wanted to go to the lake for the week for the 4th of July. But I had homework. I take a psychology class. There are a few things I could do on my phone at the lake but there was a few things I had to do at home. I can usually get the stuff I had to do at home in one day. My aunt said that she could pick me up after her job at 6pm so I could work on my homework then go to her house and she'd take me to the lake when she went up there. My mom said no bc then I'd be alone all day until she picked me up. So, I went to the lake and stressed about the homework I had to do when I got home. I also had an exam the day after we got home so I had to study at the lake which did not go well apparently bc I got a C on the test even though I thought it went well. I also had seizures at the lake bc I was stressed. My parents hate leaving me alone bc they fear I will have a seizure. Most of the seizures I have rn are startle seizures and my family causes those! It's like I'm not going to have a seizure when I'm sitting alone in my room doing my homework! I'm pretty sure my sister is in the house with me rn bc the rest of my family went to the zoo and I had homework.

Also to answer your question, my parents would not let me use public transportation alone. They would NOT let me. That's the whole problem.

Well I would love to go to Rasmussen and live in a dorm or an apartment nearby and meet someone at school. Someone close in age.

[Heather]

Hey, jenny -- do you have a therapist or counselor for yourself? I ask because it sounds like someone you could really stand is not just someone to talk to, but someone who would be just for you, who would be your ally/advocate, who could both help you with these steps towards autonomy, but also potentially act as as agent/mediator for you with your family in a few different ways.

If not, do you think that's something they'd be willing to consider? And if it isn't, would you be open to looking into some options with someone like that on your own (obviously in that case I'd be talking about people who would be free or covered by insurance you already have) if we could point you to some places to start?

[jenny01]

My parents would not approve of a therapist for this issue. It would make they look like "bad parents". Many of my friend's parents and some people at my church have told my parents that they should change their parenting tactics. My parents get offended bc they say that the people that are telling them this haven't raised children to adulthood. My oldest sibling is 33 or something and has two kids. But my parents haven't raised a kid who is a Gen Z. The world has changed but my parents haven't. Things aren't the same anymore.

And I have looked at free therapy online before but it's not quite what I'm looking for. And I can't drive to a therapist. My parents can't know about any of this bc they would freak out. They are really strict sometimes. I have tried to tell them that what they're is controlling but they say is that they're doing it so that I'm safe.

[Heather]

I think that it would serve you to recognize that there are probably going to be a lot of situations in life in which in order to get some of what you want, you are going to have to accept something that isn't quite or exactly what you're looking for. It has been sounding to me like it might often be the case for you that you create barriers for yourself needlessly when you want things, but when what's available to you isn't exactly what you want, so then you don't wind up with anything -- know what I mean?

So, given that remote therapy is likely all that's available to you at the moment, and the alternative would be no therapy at all, is that something you'll consider?

Also, Marisha asked you about this before, but I feel like we didn't really get an answer here, so I want to ask again: when you say "freak out," what does that mean? Does that mean abuse? Does that mean removing your rights or autonomy? Does that mean them being sour with you?

Also, have you asked your older siblings for any help? It sounds like you're very isolated and, absolutely, very highly controlled, to the point that outsiders are observing this clearly. But it also sounds like no one is actually stepping in to try and help you in any active way. It really is sounding to me like some kind of intervention needs to happen here -- this isn't sounding healthy to me, and you don't sound supported in a transition to autonomy, which is what you need, what anyone needs. The fact that you have seizures doesn't change that, and personally, it's sounding a bit to me like your parents are using your seizures as an excuse to maintain control over you (and like you've also learned to limit yourself around them to a degree you might not need to either, though I certainly recognize the limitations they impose). There are also people whose job it is to help people with disabilities like yours transition into independent life in the event that sounds more appealing than a therapist, though flatly, I suspect you might have a harder time accessing that help without pushing back against your parents in a way that it sounds like you might need therapy first to feel ready for. <3