feeling like an object??

[fionaapplelover]

All my life, I've always felt like I've been broken or wired wrong, and I always was so confused about my sexuality and who I liked. I still am, but I was wondering if anyone could help me?? For a while, I've been pansexual, but I only find attraction towards people who treat me wrong... like not caring about me, only using me as an object. I've dated a few people, a couple guys, one girl, but I've always lost interest. I was always the one that thought that the relationship wasn't gonna work and was always the one to break up with people. They were all amazing people and never treated me poorly, but I just could never really get into dating. Every time I dated someone, I always wanted the person I was dating to feel attracted to me, to want me. I just feel like an object, and I don't really mind it?? I'm not sure, I'm so confused though. I toyed with the idea of being polyamorous, or aromantic, or greysexual or something. I'm so confused and I really want to learn and figure it out, because I really don't want to hurt other people while not knowing stuff. Thank you for reading or responding, I would really appreciate some help. <3

[Jacob]

Hi fionnaapplelover!

I love Fionna Apple too, and welcome to Scarleteen!

I wish we could carry this conversation on right away, as this is the kind of stuff we love to discuss and help with, but just to warn you that we are doing some technical work on the website today so we may not be open for replies and questions again until Sunday or Monday.

I do have thoughts while you're waiting...

Firstly, I'm so sorry you've been feeling the way you have been. I'm hearing that you've observed something of a mismatch between what you intellectually think about the people you have dated (amazing folks who 'never' treated you poorly) and how you feltwhen you were in those relationships (uncared for, uncared about, used).

I wonder how feeling like an object fits into that too?

Often when we talk about objectification it is a way of dismissing someone's agency against their will, and ignoring the fact that they have feelings and needs. But there are also, for many of us, moments where being a breathing, feeling, needing human feels overwhelming, and we're like "You know what? Right now I want to be a tree, or a rock." It's one of the many things that sucks if people do it to us, but when it comes from what we want at that time, we can't assume that, hence a whole tradition of zen meditation and many versions of sexual and non-sexual role play... So zero shade for also not "really mind[ing]" that feeling at times!

My intuition is that regardless of where the negative feelings were coming from, it was probably the right decision to end those relationships, becuase negative feelings are a good enough reason and it sounds like you're in a state of mind where having breathing space to think things through could be really helpful.

I hope we can help with that after our downtime, I know we have plenty of articles on our site that speak to different identities and relationship styles.