not sure what to do

[idk anymore]

I had a super massive fight with my sister who has been a massive ass my whole life, my therapists thinks is toxic, and consistently shows that they are incapable of acting in the way a sibling should. I obviously am not a perfect person but nothing I have done has warranted the treatment I have been given.

I recently had a huge fight with her because of a number of reasons that confirmed everything I have been saying above and am entirely ignoring her.

Here's the problem tho, my sister told me shortly before this, that she is transgender. I don't want to keep calling her Patrick when that obviously makes her uncomfortable, but it isn't an open thing yet and I don't want to out her. I understand that dysphoria and a variety of other difficulties can be extremely hard and cause a lot of problems for someone but that still does not excuse the decade and a half of emotional abuse I have received.

I don't want to be a bigot and refuse to acknowledge her gender in public, but I also don't want to out her. The best thing to do is obviously speak to her about boundaries and when she wants me to say what, however, not only is she a very standoffish person who doesn't really do stuff like that and just responds flippantly, but I also don't want to keep interacting with someone who deliberately sabotages me and refuses to support me ever.

I refuse to act transphobic against anyone because especially with the lack of support people get in my town, but I also don't want to set myself up for failure again.

What I'm doing right now is going with the flow of what other people know. If everyone else is acknowledging it, and she doesn't look uncomfortable, then I will to. If noone seems to know, then I'll keep my mouth shut. I'm just worried I'm playing into the atmosphere of bigotry where I live.

What should I do?

[Sam W]

Hi idk anymore,

The way you're approaching it right now sounds like a good compromise; using her actions and reactions as a guide is a sound way of knowing whether the space or person is someone she's out to or not without exposing yourself to a relationship that is toxic to you. I don't think using her birth name or the incorrect pronouns to avoid outing her is contributing to bigotry, no more than I'd think it was if you two had a wonderful relationship. It's one of those not-so-great things LGBTQA folks and their allies have to do now and then in order to keep them safe.

One thing that may be helpful is, if you have a family member or friend who she's also out to and who has a good relationship with both of you, to ask them if they know of any people she really, really doesn't want to be outed to or any groups of people who already know. Normally I'd just advise asking the trans person themselves, but this situation is one where it sounds like the less direct contact you have with her, the better.

[idk anymore]

Thanks, Ill try that!

[Sam W]

You're welcome, and I hope it goes well!