Condom Confusion

[daisygirl10]

Hey guys! Ok, so I know one can assume a condom is effective in preventing pregnancy if it does not fall off or break. However, is there a way for those things not to happen but the condom is not effective. So my question basically is: how do you know if the condom worked? (before your period arrives) Are condom failures noticeable things or can there be small holes that are unseen?

[Emma]

Condom failures are noticeable holes/slips, if there is not a tear or big slip of the condom, you have used it properly. Keep in mind that if a condom is used perfectly, it has around a 98% effectiveness rate, so if you want to have even safer sex, backing up a male or female condom with another method of birth control (i.e. the Pill, spermicide, etc.) is a great idea.

[daisygirl10]

Ok, so if my boyfriend and I engaged in intercourse and there were no tears or slips AND he pulled out before ejaculating, it would be silly of me to be worried about pregnancy?

[Redskies]

Not silly, no: we feel the way we feel. But, if you're using two methods - condoms and withdrawal - correctly, is pregnancy at all likely?- no.

So, if you're feeling worried, your best next step is to think a bit about why you're worried. Whenever someone has intercourse, there can never be zero chance of pregnancy; so, at this point in your life, do you feel okay about having ANY chance of pregnancy, even a very tiny one? If you don't feel comfortable about that, that would be a sensible reason for feeling worried. If you don't feel comfortable with a very small risk, we'd suggest only having the kinds of sex that have no pregnancy risk.

Alternatively, some people find that general worries or anxieties in life can get chanelled into pregnancy fears. Do you experience anxiety or worry about other things? Or, some people worry about pregnancy if they're having sex that they don't feel really good or confident about, or if they're worried about what their family or culture would think of them having sex.

Might any of that be going on for you?

[daisygirl10]

Ok, just hearing you say that gives me so much more comfort, reassurance, and sanity.

Now, I am a "worry wart". I do suffer from mild anxiety, which causes me to think irrationally and only about the worst outcome, which in this case would be pregnancy. However, I know what I did has slight risks, but because of the two methods we used, my irrational fears are nothing but irrational. With that being said, I think I need to wait to further pursue this aspect of mine and my boyfriend's life until I am safely on the Pill. This would help me to mentally feel more protected.

At this point in my life, I do not think it is wise to be worried about being pregnant, even if it is highly, highly unlikely. I just do not need the added stress I give to myself. All of your help has been more helpful than you could possibly know. I am so thankful for this website, but I am also thankful that you gave your time to give me genuine help and advice.

Thank you so much!!!

[Redskies]

You're so welcome!

Do you need any help with having a conversation about this with your boyfriend? We'd be happy to talk that through with you, if you'd like. Also happy to talk about your different options for contraception - the pill is certainly one option, but there are others too, including some which are more effective, mostly because they're a lot more goof-proof than taking a pill every day

Too, are you open to looking at options for managing your anxiety? Irrational fears tend not to go away just because we tell them to, but there are things that can really help. If you have some anxiety in your general life, getting some support and guidance from a mental health professional is one good option; I know there's also one self-help book that Heather's been recommending. Are you interested in any of that?

[daisygirl10]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 19 months now and are very close. We communicate well and always want what's best for the other person. So that aspect could not be any more perfect. I would, however, like some help with other options of contraception. What are they? What is most effective or what is the most goof-proof? But also, what is the easiest to obtain?

I have talked to my mom about managing my anxiety, and she has offered me some options. I would like to see the self-help book that Heather is recommending, because I have learned what helps me most with my "worries" is reading fact-based information. Is there any way you could point me in the right direction to reading that?

[Redskies]

Sure!

Have you already seen our Birth Control Bingo! series? If you haven't, maybe you'd like to start there and see what options you like the sound of and think might suit you? If you're in the US, you should be able to access all the options. You'll need to see a healthcare provider to get any of them other than condoms; most providers who do gynaecological services offer all the options. We'd be happy to help you figure out how to see a suitable healthcare provider for the options you like the sound of, if you needed help with that.

Overall, long-acting contraceptives are most effective, simply because you only have to remember them rarely. Those are IUDs and implants, and then the injection (the shot). The methods which will likely be best for you - and for any individual person - are the ones which best fit your personal requirements and which you feel best about using. Birth Control Bingo can help you figure out your priorities and maybe create a shortlist, and then the final decision is with guidance from your healthcare provider, as they'll be best placed to consider all your specific health needs.

Quoting Heather from a recent post of hers in another thread:

I strongly recommend Dr. Michael Tomkins 'book, "My Anxious Mind." It is made for teens, it is very gentle, understanding and contains a stockpile of the kind of practical tools a therapist would give you, all with clear instructions on how to use them. Of all the self-help books for anxiety I have looked at, this one seems to me to be heads and tails above the rest.

[daisygirl10]

I have looked at "Birth Control Bingo!" before, but not in depth. I will definitely look at it more closely and choose what option I think will work best for me. Of course I will have to talk to my mom about different methods. I think having another method of birth control (aside from condoms and the pull-out method) will be an extreme help to me.

I will definitely look at the book because it sounds not only very helpful, but also very interesting. I want to thank you again for all of your help!!

[Redskies]

You're welcome! And of course, if you have any questions about any of the methods or want to discuss your choices with us, you're welcome back any time!

[daisygirl10]

Ok, so, my period is 3 days late and I am starting to become worried and anxious. I have talked to my boyfriend and he as assured me that we used the condom perfectly (no slips or breaks) and that my period is coming. But still I cannot escape the fact that it is late. I did have final exams this month which could be a reason for delayed period (stress) and I also flew recently. If you could shed some light on my situation that would be incredibly helpful.

[Redskies]

3 days isn't much at all. Even people who are usually really regular will have some variations occasionally in their lives. Too, are you counting from the last possible day you might have expected it? Because a little variation is simple a part of having a menstrual cycle - and having a body, even - a period is only properly considered "late" if it hasn't come by 5 days after the very last day you would expect it.

Yep, stress - or more accurately, our responses to stress - and life changes can make a period late, as can other things. And sometimes, it happens for no apparent reason at all Check out M.I.A or, Dude, Where's My Period?

[daisygirl10]

Thank you yet again for calming my nerves. I think the overload of stress I experienced this month has definitely contributed to the delay, and now my worries about my period's arrival only made it worse.

But you believe that this delay is NOT pregnancy related? I am sorry to be redundant, I would just like some peace of mind.
Thank you so much!!!!

P.S. I took a look at "My Anxious Mind" and I absolutely love it!

[Redskies]

I don't think there's anything further we can say that we haven't already. Too, given that you've said you have some anxiety, I think that at this point what you're asking has a lot more to do with anxiety than with needing actual information. We know that providing repeated reassurance to people with anxiety is actually a harmful thing in the long-term, and of course, the last thing we want to do is harm our users! There's more explanation here: http://www.scarleteen.com/bb/viewtopic.php?f=2&t=15

Glad you like the book! I hope it's really helpful for you.