Help with hypersexuality- advice appreciated

[seren]

hi y'all! a few content warnings before i get started; make sure to attend to your needs above all else & if anything in the warning list is something you're uncomfortable with, i'd recommend clicking away. take care of yourselves!

content / trigger warnings: discussions of mental health & depression, very brief trauma implications if you squint

i've been dealing with pretty severe hypersexuality ever since i was around 10-11 (i'm nearly 16 now, for reference) & it's gotten to the point where i think it might be unhealthy. i'm not sexually active with other people, in part due to covid and in part out of fear, but i do masturbate regularly and more than once a day- and there's obv nothing wrong or shameful in that, but it's gotten to the point where i use it as a coping mechanism instead of actually addressing how i feel when i have bad days (more often than not) or when i deal with something unpleasant. whenever i'm sad or stressed or upset, i always turn to touching myself instead of actually processing my emotions, and it's become such a regular thing over the years- with me getting so used to the routine that i've fallen into- that i get aroused when i'm upset, stressed, crying or in the middle of a depressive episode because my body has learned to associate those feelings with masturbation. it's frustrating & embarrassing and i'm not sure what to do about it.

hypersexuality has ebbed into almost every other corner of my life as well- most of my conversations with close friends (which are fully consensual on both ends, platonic & never uncomfortable for either party, as we communicate our needs and boundaries regularly) involve sex in some way, and i always seem to turn to sexualizing myself to improve my own self-image and my sense of usefulness to other people. this led to me being exposed to harder (and unethical) kinks at way too young of an age & it's really messed with my perception of what sex is, as well as my relationship with my sexuality, since i only really feel at home with myself when the situation i'm in is sexual & am scared off by any non-platonic encounter that isn't sexual.

i recently started therapy & have been seeing this really nice lady for about a month and a half now, once every 1-2 weeks. while i've touched on all of my other issues with her and we're working on a plan to move forward, i can't seem to find it in myself to bring this up to her. i don't get embarrassed easily and don't usually have an issue talking about my sexual habits, but this in particular is so difficult to talk about for some reason. i'm really just not sure what to do, since it's euphoric in the moment but leaves me so exhausted afterward.

[Heather]

Hey there, seren. Welcome to the boards. These are some really vulnerable shares: thanks for trusting us with them. I’m glad you found this space for yourself.

I can hear how this is causing suffering for you, and for sure, I can also hear the barriers it seems to be creating for you when it comes to feeling your feelings, your self-worth, to your relationships, and also to having and creating a sexuality you actually enjoy and that feels like you own it rather than it owns you!

With this new therapist, have you two yet had any conversations about what her background is when it comes to her education/experience with sexuality and therapy with sexuality issues? I wonder if it might help for you to actually at least know that and if not knowing might be some of what has you feeling so nervous about sharing?

[seren]

thank you so much for your reply :] i actually haven't considered asking about her background in sexuality but i will bring it up next session! so far, she's been incredibly nonjudgemental with everything i've talked about, so i'm not too worried about asking now that you've brought up the idea.

i think a large part of what makes it difficult to talk about, even to her, is the sense of shame i feel around my own sexuality and the amount of myself & my time that i've dedicated to it. you're definitely right about it feeling like it owns me rather than the other way around, and while i logically know that it's just as valid as any other emotional problem & that i still deserve to get help with it, i don't think it's fully clicked internally with how personal the topic tends to be & how private i've kept it over the years. i'll definitely ask her about her education in sexuality problems, though- thank you for the response & the pointers :]

[Heather]

Sure thing.

I can completely understand you feeling shame around this, even though there's no reason for you to be ashamed. In other words, our culture certainly gives all of us plenty of cause to feel shame, and also plenty of reasons to think that if we bring something like this to other people, we'll be shamed for it, so feeling fearful in sharing is totally reasonable. But you don't have anything to be ashamed of: there's nothing wrong with you, or your sexuality, even in the ways that it's expressed itself so far, despite the fact that some of those ways haven't felt good to or right for you. You haven't done anyone any harm or done anything wrong, you know?

I think it might help to at least try and start reminding yourself -- a thing you can do with or without additional therapeutic help -- that even though some of this has been problematic for you so far, there's nothing wrong about you or your sexuality. You can learn to start processing your feelings, for example, when upset, instead of distracting yourself with sex, and also learn how to engage in sex alone and with partners in ways that feel good and are a way to express your feelings instead of to tamp them down. These are just things that are going to be part of a growth process for you, and the fact that you've already identified what isn't working for you is really major -- that's usually the hardest part!