Just need some reassurance

[sky]

I think I’m gonna find a new therapist because I don’t want to tell her because what if she thinks I’m weird and creepy. I don’t want a new therapist so I think I’m just gonna stop going and block her number

[sky]

Okay I told her she was cool about it and said we can talk more about it my next session

[Carly]

Hey sky -- I'm really glad you decided to talk to your therapist about this. It sounds like you trust her, and even though you may feel a little weird describing how you feel, I think you'll be able to learn a lot about yourself from the situation. Whenever I have a therapy session coming up that may be harder I try to prepare before hand by writing notes, or sometimes practicing what I want to say in the mirror. Maybe that could be helpful for you in this case!

[sky]

I fully intend on not talking about it. She’ll ask about it I’m sure but I’m going to avoid the topic big time because I don’t even understand how I feel so how am I gonna be able to talk about it. I trust her probably more then anyone.

[Heather]

My best advice here is to just let her take the lead with this and, in fact, trust her, and take it from there. I know it’s super awkward, but it really is going to be okay.

[sky]

So off topic but I’m ready to have sex. I really want too. Like yesterday. Do you think it’s a bad idea to just meet someone online and have sex/sexual things happen (I’ll use a condom)

[sky]

I know you’re gonna tell me that I have trauma etc and probably tell me I should be really into the person before I have sex and I am attracted to the guy I’m talking too. I can’t find a girl who is attracted to me so I’m settling for a guy. I haven’t talked to my therapist about the trauma things I don’t really think I even have trauma the molestation doesn’t bother me anymore and the physical thing that happened to me I’m over that too.

[Heather]

Hey there, sky.

You know, when it comes to making any kind of sexual choice, whatever our history, I think what's most important is that we ground it in two things: in what we're looking for most from it, and then in basic physical and emotional safety for everyone involved. In your case, I actually think we can get to the latter second, because I feel like the former might actually be a bit more elusive and tricky.

What do you want from a sexual experience? When you say you really want to have sex, what does that mean? What are you looking for from it? What would you be disappointed by if you engaged in some kind of sex with someone and you didn't get X, Y or Z thing out of it? The way you're talking sounds like you're really hungry for something. Can you put your finger on what that is?

[sky]

I just wanna be wanted. I wanna be close to someone. I wanna figure out what everyone talks about. I don’t really wanna have sex like insertive sex (please don’t use the p word it makes me feel disgusting) I want to be gone down on and I wanna make out and touch. I don’t know what I want really. I just wanna be wanted and orgasm with not myself for once

[Heather]

(You and me both on that word, pal. Bleck.)

What you shared was really helpful for me, I hope it was for you, too. These things all sound pretty clear to me, actually, not like you don't know what you want: these are all clear things that you want.

So, not everything on this list is realistic. An orgasm with a first-time partner, for instance, often won't happen, especially for folks with vulvas/vaginas, especially if you're being sexual with cisgender men. It's just a statistical and anecdotal reality. That's just something to know. Having orgasm with partners tends to be something a lot of people learn to do over time rather than have happen right away.

Otherwise, these are all potentially doable, have-able things with someone else who feels them (the wanting you part) and wants to do them with you (the specific activities you talked about). These are also all things that strike me as really common things to a lot of people: you're curious. You want to feel desired. You are craving physical touch and closeness. You want to engage in some sexual activities to expect to be pleasurable. You want to get off and you don't want to be alone when you do.

Do you want to take this a step forward and talk about what would make making those things happen with someone else likely before we get to safety bits, or do you want to talk some more about the things you want?

[sky]

Yes let’s talk about making them likely please. Also, what safety bits? We use a condom if it goes there what else is there? The orgasm bit was upsetting

[Heather]

Before we go to those places, let's pause for a sec. Can you talk about what was so upsetting about the orgasm part? For sure, I get it can be a bummer that that can be something that takes a while with a new partner (it might not, but it often does, especially when sex with other people is also new), but orgasm is only a few seconds of a whole experience. I'm just curious.

[sky]

It’s the part that feels good right?

[Heather]

It's all supposed to feel, at least, pretty good. And usually, for orgasm to happen, much of it needs to. Orgasm tends to happen as a result of accumulated pleasure, rather than just popping out of nowhere. That's why with a partner, it tends to be something that can take some time to get to, because it can take partners time to learn what really "works" for each other, especially if you're not getting to know one another as partners over say, a three-night stand or something, you know?

[sky]

Makes sense.

[Heather]

So, what makes it all feeling good likely -- with or without orgasm -- is mostly just communicating to a partner what you want and what you like, both before and then as you go, during, and asking them about what they want and like and how they're feeling throughout. And making choices following that communication.

If I was to tell someone I wanted all the things you wanted, for instance, and they told me, "You know, I'm not really that into you, but I'll do you, but I don't know if I'll go down on you, it's not really my thing," that person would be making pretty clear they were NOT going to meet those particular needs, and I'd know to nix that person because they obviously weren't someone where I'd get my needs met. On the other hand, if I told someone all those things, and they said, "Hey, I'm really into you and all of that sounds great and like what I like, and here's what else I like..." and what they said also sounded good to me and okay for me, and it felt right? Then that person would probably be a pretty good fit. heck, even if things didn't go exactly as I'd hoped, or we didn't get to all the things I wanted, someone responding like that is probably someone I'd have a positive experience with all the same, you know?

Does that all make sense?

[sky]

It does. He said he loves to do that, the guy I’m talking too.

[Heather]

So, your next steps are about your safety and health: emotional, physical, sexual.

Since we've got COVID going on, it's ideal not to be hooking up with new partners, period, but if someone is going to anyway, we've got info on safety for that here (long story short: vaccinations and conversations/agreements about limiting contact with others are obviously ideal), even before or without any kind of close physical contact: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/quic ... ps_add_new

In terms of your physical and emotional safety, conversations about consenting and agreements about that are key, and with meeting someone new, it's always advisable not to meet a first time for sex, but instead to meet a first time for a coffee or something somewhere public where you can suss them out, see how you feel about them at a meeting like that, see how they are during and after that kind of hang, and how you feel about them. You can also have a conversation at that meeting about what you need when it comes to your emotional safety. For instance, you know you have language that sets you off/turns you off and might even be PTSD triggers for you. When NOT in bed with someone is a way better time for them and you to talk about those then AFTER you have to deal with being set off in bed. You also can find out of someone does or doesn't have the maturity to be your partner in conversations like this: they can be very revealing.

If and when you choose to meet them again for sexual contact -- there's another conversation to be had there, likely, about safe places for that and such, but we're not there yet -- in terms of specific STIs, we'll be talking about making sure everyone's got current testing and is using barriers for genital contact, so this stuff here: All the Barriers! All the Time! and Testing, Testing...[/b].

COVID and this being all new AND this being someone you haven't met yet makes this a pretty big lift in terms of all the things to kind of think about and have to manage at once, but those are the bare basics. I know even for basics, that's still a lot, so how are you feeling about it?

[sky]

I’m still feeling like I want to have sex. I don’t care about ptsd triggers, I’ll just ignore them and I’ll fake an orgasm too

[Heather]

I'm curious why you'd plan to fake orgasm and why you'd tell me about planning to do that?

Also, if something actually triggers PTSD it can't be ignored, and then it might not just impact you, but your partner, too, so it's not just about what you care about. Having someone suddenly dissociate on you, or start freaking out, or have another PTSD reaction can be pretty scary. Once someone else is involved in the sex we're having, the thing is that we don't get to just think about ourselves anymore, we have to think about the other person, too. (Mind you, I think thinking about oneself in this is also wise, but it's also obviously your choice.)

If all of those things that I said up there sound doable to you, then you've got the basic information -- and links to more extensive information -- that you need to make this choice for yourself from an informed perspective. Now that you have a therapist, if you want another person to have a conversation with about this who's also in a good place to help you evaluate this for yourself, you also can certainly talk with her about it, too.

[sky]

I don’t know why I said that. I’m not gonna come back here. Thank you for your information and all your help you’ve all given me. I’m sorry I’m a waste of skin. Thank you for everything heather im so sorry

[Heather]

I'm only approving this so we can resolve this issue moving forward. You know how I feel about you putting yourself down and how I'm not here for it.

You can come here or not: this is for you and up to you, and only you can decide if it's serving you. But you don't have anything to apologize for and you haven't been a waste of anything. But since you're feeling this way, and feeling mystified by yourself, regardless of what you decide about continuing this conversation or your coming here, it sounds like this might be a good place to stop for at least today for me. Maybe sit with some of this and see if you can't keep from going to a place of self-loathing. Feeling frustrated and confused, and maybe even saying things for impacts we don't get or get why we are, is part of the flipping human condition for all of us, I promise. It doesn't make you a waste of anything. Hang in there, sky.

[sky]

Hey heather,

I’m sorry for lashing out on you. I am really unhappy with my life right now and I took it out on you. That wasn’t cool of me and I deeply apologize. I’m in a really rocky spot again and I don’t feel like normal me. Im not trying to excuse what I did because there’s no excuse for it. Im just trying to explain a little bit. I hope you can forgive me.

[Heather]

There's nothing to forgive. We're good. I'm sorry that you're struggling, and I can understand that as a basis for things like self-sabotage or trying to sabotage community or support. I appreciate you taking stock of that and taking responsibility, though, especially for yourself. <3

[sky]

Can I vent about my sexuality? I feel like I don’t have anyone really I can’t afford therapy right now for this week so I’m out of that support