Cannot orgasm anymore

[Sam W]

Hi Rubix,

I hope talking with her about it goes well!

Would you like to talk about what some of the barriers to finding other trans folks are for you? We can certainly brainstorm some ways to help you find other trans folks to connect with.

[Rubix]

Yes, I'd love some help finding other trans folks to connect with. My main issue is that, because I'm autistic, it's super hard for me to initiate conversations with others. And, to complicate things further, I don't actually have a driver's license, or a car to drive to go meet with other trans folks IRL.

Also, I guess some small part of me is feeling the effects of imposter syndrome. For some reason I feel like I'm not a "real" trans woman. My parents were rather anti-trans as I was growing up. Coming out to them was super hard and daunting. Even though my parents claim to support me being trans, it's clear they still wish I could be cis and "normal".

It is for these reasons that I feel I'm not welcome in existing trans spaces, even though I 100% believe myself to be a trans woman. Because my parents have conditioned me from a young age to think that my own identity is bad and wrong, it's really hard me to feel safe in my body.

I hope this helps you understand why I find it hard to connect with other trans folks. Maybe someone on the staff here at Scarleteen can help address these issues.

Lastly, I do still plan on taking to my therapist about the psychosexual reasons (dysphoria being the main one) why masturbation is hard for me right now. My appointment is scheduled for a few hours from now.

[Rubix]

Alright, so I went to my therapy appointment today. My therapist is a really understanding lady. It turns out that she actually does have a fair amount psychosexual training and background knowledge. She was able to brainstorm some ways to for me to re-learn how to feel sexual pleasure in my body. I left today's therapy session with a short list of exercises to try the next time I feel horny. I feel confident that I can work through my mental blocks and learn how to feel pleasure in my body again. It might take a few months to get to a point where I can consistently orgasm during my masturbation sessions, but that's not the goal. The goal is to focus on pleasure. Any orgasms that do happen will just be an added benefit!

[Emily N]

Hi Rubix,

That’s wonderful news about your therapist, and having a space to brainstorm relearning sexual pleasure! I love the mindset of removing orgasm as a goal from masturbation, and instead focusing on pleasure.

I’m sorry you’re experiencing barriers to connecting with other trans folks in real life - do you have an online community or know of any you would be interested in getting involved with? I know online is much different than in real life, but it can also come with its own benefits of being able to connect with a larger group of people, maybe without some of the pressure to initiate conversations.

I can understand that it’s difficult to feel connected to a community or feel like and “imposter” when you have grown up with anti-trans sentiment. That you are recognizing the effect that your parents’ ideas have had on you is a huge step - you’re not blaming yourself, and are now focusing on reframing/reclaiming the identity for yourself by taking steps like coming out, reconnecting with your sexuality, and trying to find ways to connect with the trans community.

[Rubix]

Emily,
No, I don't really have any online trans groups that I can connect with. I'd actually prefer to have an online community, as I find that I tend to behave better in online than in person. I think it's related to the fact that I can take the time to write out my messages before sending them. The only issue is that I'm not aware of any online trans communities I can join. Do you know of any?

And yes, removing orgasm as the goal and just focusing on pleasure will, paradoxically, make orgasm easier to achieve. At least, that's what my therapist told me earlier today. I'm really eager to try out the techniques she recommended to me, but I was told I shouldn't force it. I should wait until the urge to masturbate comes about naturally and only then try those new techniques. Masturbating when I'm aren't in the right mindset and fully aroused is not pleasurable at all for me (touching my girldick when not fully aroused just feels like I'm rubbing my elbow and there is no sexual pleasure). And since the need to masturbate hasn't struck yet, I'll wait to see if my therapist's advice is helpful.

[Elise]

Hi there Rubix, there is an online community run by the Trevor project that you might like here:

• TrevorSpace (an affirming, online community for LGBTQ young people between the ages of 13-24 years old run by The Trevor Project).

I'm sure that other volunteers and staff will have some good recommendations too!

Also, I'm glad to hear that your therapist has given you some good advice, not rushing and focusing on pleasure sounds like a good approach to go forward with.

[Rubix]

So, earlier today I got super horny. Instead of just rushing in and trying to get to orgasm as soon possible, I first spent about an hour just reading erotica and getting fully turned on, this was something my therapist recommended. She also recommended that I try edging, as a way of reminding myself that the goal is pleasure, and not orgasm. That worked really really well. Building up the pleasure for a bit, stopping, then continuing after a while, was mind blowing. It was amazing to just please myself with no goal other than to just feel pleasure. It truly refocused the whole thing to be about pleasure.

While I didn't orgasm at all today (that really wasn't the goal today), spending an hour getting aroused, with no touching, and then edging myself for a few hours after was wonderful. By the end of the session I was so exhausted and tired and sexually fulfilled. I'm very happy with the progress I'm making.

[Carly]

I'm glad you're trying some new things, Rubix! It sounds like you're really doing some self-exploration right now. I'm glad you were able to find a therapist who is being so encouraging too.

Have you had a moment to check out TrevorSpace yet? Not trying to rush you, of course - I was just wondering if you did and what you thought.

[Rubix]

I've been busy with life. When I did have a spare afternoon yesterday I spent it masturbating. I've been too busy with college and my part-time job and feeling like a sexual failure for not being able to orgasm that I haven't gotten a chance to take a look at TrevorSpace. It sounds really helpful, but my life is too chaotic to look at it now.

First I have to stop being a failure at sex and masturbation. Then I can start rebuilding my social life. That's the way of things as I see it.

[Elise]

Hi there Rubix, I can very much relate to the idea of being super busy and feeling the need to "do all the things"! What I've found can help is to break down something into tiny goals, and then you can also better assess what time it'll take up and how you'll get there. For example:

• Step 1: Rather than say, think "I have to get super into online community and have all this time". You could say: 'after dinner, I will set a timer for 5min, and just sign up for TrevorSpace'. And that is all you do that day.
• Step 2: Schedule a time for the next day/a day next week:, "I will set 5 min and just see what kinds of rooms there are". If there are too many for 5min, this can be repeated on future days.
• Step 3: Schedule a time to "choose a thread to read", you don't even have to finish one thread, or respond. Just set aside some time that seems manageable to have a browse. If you take public transport to your job or college, that can be a good time for this.
• Step 4: as you continue, you can set aside the if, when and how much time you allocate as works for you, with more information at hand. How could that sound for managing accessing an online social space alongside everything you've got going on?

Also, I greatly encourage you to re-frame your thinking on sex: there is no way to be a "failure" at it, and there's no way to be "perfect" at it either. It can be hard to detach yourself from this kind of idea, however I do really encourage you to try it. Sexual experiences are at their core, about what you and in the event you have a partner, what they like at that time, connecting and exploring yourself and potentially another person, from a space of safety, comfort and trust. It's all just exploration of pleasure and connection, and if you're respectful, and do your best to communicate, that is all you can ask. This doesn't mean it doesn't come with it's own anxieties and emotions, but working from a place of less judgement and expectation, and more of exploration can greatly assist with these feelings, I have found.

Have you read these articles of ours before? If you're comfortable sharing your thoughts on them, it'd be great to hear your reflections!

• Embracing Newbiehood: How to Approach Dating and Sex in Your 20s With Little or No Experience
• The Sex Goddess Blues: Building Sexual Confidence, Busting Perfectionism

Also, not yet feeling comfortable about being sexual with others, doesn't mean you can't derive the meaningful parts of social connection, in fact, platonic connection with folks we can relate to and feel close to is really important. So I'd encourage you not to wait for that, if you can. Socially connecting is one of those things that can feel harder and more insurmountable the longer we leave it. Taking things step by step, even starting in small ways, can be a great way to start this all off. We have articles on why friendship is both fantastic and important, here:

• Why Does Friendship Matter to a Sex Ed Organization?
• Learning How to Love Through Friendships

[Rubix]

I feel so broken. I am so broken. I tried masturbating earlier today, and failed so miserably. It was feeling so so good and I was just about to orgasm when suddenly a thought about all the dirty laundry I have entered my brain, and the moment is lost. 2 hours of build-up and teasing and edging, all for nothing, as I'm suddenly super turned off. These sorts of intrusive thoughts about my outstanding obligations have been getting more common during my self touch sessions, and I hate it so so much. I feel like a failure. I cannot do this. I miss the days when I could masturbate to a satisfying orgasm in 5-10 minutes. Now it feels like such a chore and a slow pitiful crawl towards a finish that I know is gonna suck so badly. My life sucks. I am a sexual failure.

[Sam W]

Hi Rubix,

You're not a failure, sexual or otherwise. Even for people who find masturbation to be fairly un-fraught, there will be times where their brains, bodies, or both just don't cooperate with what they're trying to do. Since you're still learning how to masturbate in a way that works for you, what if you thought about this the same way you would any other learned thing? That is, that there's a learning curve, and having instances where you struggle isn't a sign of failure, but a sign you're progressing in learning more?

When those intrusive thoughts turn up during masturbation, do you tend to get stuck on them? Or is it more like they pass through your brain quickly but that's enough to kill the mood?

[Rubix]

For me, when an intrusive thought like "I need to do the dishes", "I have laundry that needs to be dealt with", or "I need to complete my school work for class tomorrow" enters my brain, I find myself completely unable to stop thinking about this thing. I think I have OCD, but I've never gotten an official diagnosis. The only way to get these thoughts to go away is to actually go complete the associated task. When a thought like this comes up during masturbation, it totally kills the mood for me, because of the aforementioned perseveration issue.

Clearly the best thing to do is just take care of all of these things before touching myself. However, that's much easier said than done. When I get horny, I need to deal with my sexual needs first, or I will be super uncomfortable trying to do anything else. And for me, being horny knows no schedule. I just get horny at random points during the day.

This is a very difficult issue to deal with, and I'm not sure how to work through this. This is the primary reason why I feel like sexual failure.

[Rubix]

You're not a failure, sexual or otherwise. Even for people who find masturbation to be fairly un-fraught, there will be times where their brains, bodies, or both just don't cooperate with what they're trying to do. Since you're still learning how to masturbate in a way that works for you, what if you thought about this the same way you would any other learned thing? That is, that there's a learning curve, and having instances where you struggle isn't a sign of failure, but a sign you're progressing in learning more?

The issue I'm dealing with is that I know how to masturbate. I know how to orgasm. I've been masturbating since about age 12. I've had many orgasms in my life. It's only since I started HRT on May 3, 2021 that I've been unable to orgasm. I feel like HRT broke me, and honestly, I really hate it.

[Sam W]

I'm so sorry it's leaving you feeling that way. If nothing else, it may still help to re-frame this is less about being broken or failing and more about the fact you're having to learn how to masturbate WHILE on HRT.

Do you think it would help to think about the ways HRT is having positive effects on your life? That may not entirely remove the frustration you're having, but it may help to counteract that feeling that what it's done is broken you.

[Rubix]

HRT has improved my life in many ways. I now have softer skin. My body hair is less thick now. I also have more feminine body shape. Having boobs and curves is the best thing ever. Also, I've become more moody over the past year, which I love. In my mind being more emotional makes me happy, because I see that as highly feminine. In general, I feel a whole lot better about my body than I did last year.

[Emily N]

Hi Rubix,

I’m sorry you are struggling to find pleasure in masturbation. But I 1000% agree with Sam and Elise - I want you to be able to decouple your feelings of frustration from the idea that you are a “sexual failure”. You are clearly dedicating so much effort to find self pleasure again and feeling confident in your body - having the days where you feel sexually fulfilled say so much more about your efforts than the days where you struggle.

It’s also amazing to hear all of the ways HRT has improved your life. Finding moments or ways to celebrate yourself, both during and outside of masturbation, might be helpful in trying to talk yourself down from feeling like a failure.

[Rubix]

I’m sorry you are struggling to find pleasure in masturbation. But I 1000% agree with Sam and Elise - I want you to be able to decouple your feelings of frustration from the idea that you are a “sexual failure”. You are clearly dedicating so much effort to find self pleasure again and feeling confident in your body - having the days where you feel sexually fulfilled say so much more about your efforts than the days where you struggle.

I totally agree with this. In fact, few days ago I started a new ritual of sorts. During times when I begin to feel that existential dread of "sexual frustration" creep in, whether it be during masturbation, or otherwise, I've been reciting the following mantra in my head "I am not broken. I am a sexy and powerful woman. I am not broken. I am a sexy and powerful woman. I am not broken..." This has been really great at reducing the stress that is associated with these negative feelings. It's like constructing a dam made of positive intentions to keep out the building waves of negative thoughts.

[Emily N]

Ahhh I love that mantra so much!! Yes, hype yourself up!! (It's also okay that you have moments when it's more difficult to do this, as long as you can keep coming back to it eventually )

[Rubix]

Thank you so much Emily. It really means a lot to have someone else validate my thoughts and behaviors

Now, getting back to an earlier topic, that I feel is related to this; I have now created an account on TrevorSpace and I have made friends with some trans folks who share my interests. It's really helped me realize that, while I might struggle a bit in the masturbation department, my social life can continue to flourish. It's really really great to have others I can share these struggles with. I am not broken. I just need to train myself to get off in ways that don't consist of gripping the shaft of my girldick and stroking up and down. While this method has produced results in the past, due to my own perceptions that this is a highly masculine way to get off, I no longer feel comfortable playing with myself in this manner.

I have found that prostate stimulation works really well. I've also found that muffing is great too. Yes, I'm being careful while muffing. I'm going slow and acclimating to it my own time. It feels so feminine and sexy to penetrate my body in these ways. Also, thinking the head of the penis as a large clit and rubbing just that part my genitals works great too (but only if I go slowly and don't use too much pressure, otherwise it becomes painful). Sure, it is true that these methods of stimulation feel different from what I'm used to. But they still feel amazing. It's just something I need to get used to.

But really, the biggest change I've identified since starting HRT is that being properly aroused is super key to feeling sexual pleasure. None of these methods stimulating myself provide pleasure unless I'm already turned on. And for me, getting properly turned on takes time. It takes me about 20-30 minutes to get fully turned on. I find that reading erotica, watching porn, lighting incense, giving myself a breast massage, and putting on lingerie are all amazing foreplay options. Before starting HRT I could go from completely turned off to fully aroused and coming in 5-10 minutes. Now it takes me 30-45 minutes before I get anywhere close to orgasm. And that's if I'm even going to have an orgasm. Not every masturbation session needs to end with fireworks. The only goal here is feeling relaxed in my body and experiencing pleasure.

[Elise]

Hi Rubix, I'm so glad to hear that TrevorSpace has been a positive experience for you! I hope you can continue to enjoy finding connection with other trans folks

I'm also glad to hear that you are starting to find different techniques that work for you when masturbating. In terms of it taking longer to feel aroused, sometimes it can take a while for new sensory things to be as "reliable" as techniques/fantasies/other sensory things that have worked in the past, as they have made "shortcuts" for our brain in a way, after reinforcing the connection to pleasure in our brains through repetition already.

Also it is a very common experience for folks taking hormonal medications, even at doses lower than those of HRT, to experience change in their sexual response patterns and how they experience arousal. This is because our hormones are part of that body system, and changing our internal balance of hormones can change how our individual system worsk. So this changing isn't a sign that anything is wrong, just that it is different and you are discovering how it is working for you at the moment. Also from your previous topic I can see that you've been on HRT for almost a year; it usually takes two years for your body to "settle" after introducing HRT, so it very normal that you're experiencing these kinds of changes and discovering new ways your body responds to stimuli along the way.

You might find it interesting to read about the models of spontaneous arousal and responsive arousal: society tends to centre spontaneous arousal in narratives, but really a great many folks experience "responsive desire" which has to do the kinds of things that you have noticed (feeling relaxed to have arousal), it is great that you've already found ways to get yourself into the mood and have this level of self awareness. It also has to do with how you might be feeling at the time about non-sexual things, like stress etc. And we can in fact have both turn offs and turn ons, and just like how a car won't move if the breaks are on regardless of how much you press the accelerator, it is as important to "turn off the offs" as it is to "turn on the ons". You can read more about this in this comic here: Science of Desire by Dr. Emily Nagoski & R.Stevens.

We also have a couple of articles about how the sexual response cycle works here on Scarleteen, which you might find interesting about how important your brain is to the whole process:

• With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body
• Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide

[Rubix]

One of the most pleasurable and empowering things I can do for myself is muffing. Basically, I imagine that it's a vagina I'm penetrating and it feels so so good. I'm now wondering if there are any risks involved in this act. Do you fine folks know?

[Sofi]

That's great that you found something that makes you feel empowered and that you enjoy. There aren't really any big risks involved in it, but it's more of a "stop if it hurts" thing. So as long as you're going at your own pace without any pain involved, you'll be good!

[Rubix]

Thank you so much Sofi. That means a lot to me. Muffing has quickly become my favorite way to masturbate, because of how easily I can imagine I have a vagina that I'm penetrating. Since I tuck quite a bit, I know where my inguinal canals are and how to safely play with them.

[Sofi]

It sounds like you found your thing - or at least, one of them! You can either keep experimenting with it AND other ways to masturbate, or stick with it for now. As always, it's all about what feels best for you