lover/partner troubles

[saturdaysun]

Hey! So I'm 18, and I have a lover (he/him for reference purposes) from a different university. That's the label we chose haha but we say partner sometimes to friends to avoid the inevitable (even if it's lighthearted) teasing. He actually was my best friend first, then turned into a friend with benefits, then turned into my lover. We're not exclusive, but I asked him not to sleep with one girl specifically about a month ago (she's had a crush on him a few times before, she's his best friend at his university, and I asked him to not sleep with her because there's a good chance she'll crush on him again and for a few other reasons; he also wasn't planning on sleeping with her again anyways so I don't believe it was hard for him to agree). This past weekend, he gets insanely drunk and...sleeps with her. He was texting me both before and after and he didn't know what he had done wrong and turns out he had forgotten that he agreed to not sleep with her. He's been insanely regretful and in all honesty it's not something i'm willing to end our situation over because we aren't really exclusive anyways, but it hurts knowing he crossed a boundary. It honestly makes me feel like...inadequate because it feels like he's prioritizing her over me? Even though I know that's not the case and i've talked with him about this.

What do I do? What does he do? We've been fine since and he knows I'm still upset but he doesn't really know what to do to help, while I have no clue what to do about the situation in general because I don't want to sacrifice myself for the relationship but I don't think this is drastic enough for me to consider ending the relationship.

[Heather]

Hey there. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this.

I think the first thing you do is talk it out. Have you told him how you feel about this like you have here? Have you talked about the fact that you both need to remember and take responsibility for the agreements you make with one another, and honor them unless you actively renegotiate or otherwise change them together? How did those talks go, if so? How do you feel about their outcomes?

I do have to say, this sounds like something that would be very difficult to forget. Agreeing with your current sexual partner not to be sexual with one of your best friends is hardly a trifle. Do you feel pretty certain he's being honest with you? Getting "insanely" drunk is also obviously a cause of concern about anyone on the whole, but a partner who is saying they are getting so drunk they have sex they don't intend to is someone who just may not be safe to be anyone's partner, you know? (And do be sure that you do what you need to around testing and safer sex practices -- if he's doing things like this, him also doing it safely seems iffy to me.)

[saturdaysun]

I've talked to him pretty frequently about my feelings on the situation and he's been reassuring and kind about trying to make it up, but he also doesn't know what to do. I've told a couple of friends who know both of us, one that knows me much better than him and is generally very protective of me, and they apparently all agree on the fact that he wouldn't do anything to hurt me intentionally because of what they've seen of our relationship but they also think I'm more than valid in being upset.

To clarify, he's slept with her before and I have no issue with it before because we've always been non-exclusive. He just wasn't going to sleep with her again and I asked him not to after that anyways so he agreed. I'm very sure he's being honest about forgetting because of how he was texting me throughout the night; he alluded to sleeping with her before doing so, and texted me about it after (he was only gone for like 20 minutes).

As for being insanely drunk, he's got an oddly high tolerance and we're college kids; personally I've seen worse haha. But I can assure he was being safe, since he has to get updated std testing every so often since he's on an athletics team. My main and only issue is the fact that he slept with her when he said he wouldn't, and now no one knows what to do.

[Heather]

Thanks for filling me in some more.

I trust your judgement: you know him and your relationship. I only know what you've told me here. I also trust you to know your own feelings.

I think with the thing about being drunk is that, from both a legal and, more importantly, IMO, practical standpoint, "drunk sex isn't consensual sex. And someone saying they did X-sexual-thing only *because* they were drunk is telling you they are not capable of making sound decisions when they're drunk. So, personally, were it any partner of mine, I'd be pretty clear that incapacitated or questionable consensual sex with other people just isn't okay with me, period. I at least think it's worth a discussion and considering it a bit more seriously. I get it, I went to college too, and have certainly lived in other spaces or phases where drinking or heavy drinking is a norm. But just because it's a norm doesn't mean we don't take it seriously, especially when we see any signs of impending dangers, that's all. Just my two cents on that: do with it what you will.

Given where it sounds like you're at, it sounds to me like you're now at doing two things: 1) rebuilding trust, and 2) needing to review and perhaps adapt your agreements to move forward. And the latter helps facilitate the former, both in the process, but then also after, as (and if) everyone honors their agreements.

Part of needing to rebuild trust also means making time for that. You don't have to get rid of or try and rush away the feelings and concerns you're having: you get to have them as long as you have them. Part of taking responsibility when we do someone harm is allowing them to feel how they feel, for as long as they do, even if it makes us uncomfortable or we don't like it. (Of course, everyone should be doing that kindly, not using it as a weapon, etc.) Part of really doing the work in a relationship of working through conflicts when one person has hurt another is also experiencing that person's feelings and learning from them, so we understand the impact of what we did. Know what I mean?

When you revisit your agreements, I'd try and figure out what you got from this that can help you do that. Do you need to adapt your original agreement? Adjust it in some way? Add on something new? This has obviously sucked for you both, especially you, but you can use things like this and the process of getting through them to grow your relationship. <3