distrust

[lycheefan]

ok so this requires a little bit of backstory
my boyfriend has always hated the idea of me using a vibrator (which is not fair on its own..) but in december i got myself another one and only told him a few days ago. he knew i had a bullet vibrator and we brought up the topic, so i told him i got myself one a few months back- hes really upset saying that he lost a lot of trust and he doesnt understand why i kept it from him for so long. i can provide more information but if im in the wrong please tell me its hard to understand it from his point of view because i wouldnt care if he had a fleshlight you know? i just need advice on how to deal with this situation

[Heather]

You're not wrong.

It also isn't surprising to me that you didn't tell him this given that he has not been supportive of you using toys before.

You're right that it isn't fair for any partner to tell a partner they don't like them using toys. It could be okay for someone to say, for example, that it makes them feel insecure to explain feelings they may have about toys -- and it's usually all about insecurity -- but they still need to support your use of things like vibrators if that's something you want or need. And in the case of vibrators and people with vulvas and vaginas, that can often be something someone needs to reach orgasm at all, especially with a cisgender male partner.

It's confusing to me that he says he doesn't know why you kept it from him. It seems very obvious to me. Were you able to tell him why? And perhaps also talk about how you also aren't obligated to report to him when it comes to your own masturbation, including what you use and how you masturbate? Have you also made it clear he needs to take care of his own feelings about these things and figure out how he can resolve them? This truly shouldn't be an issue, period.

[lycheefan]

holy shit. thank you so much honestly i felt like i was going crazy and i was like am i really in the wrong for this?? i have explained to him why i kept it from him- the reason being that i was scared of ruining our relationship and upsetting him. ive explained to him that it is my body, my money, and i have the final say. ive explained to him so many times that it doesnt replace him, it just helps me orgasm and that i would choose him over it any day- but it doesnt help. i feel so lost but this might be my final breaking point with him

[lycheefan]

ok i know i just replied but like. he says hes lost oh so much trust for me but i dont even get it. i didnt lie to him, he never asked me about it (shit he never asked me about anything sexual anyways ) and its my business. thank you so much for honestly helping me realize im not wrong here because i was really doubting myself

[Mo]

You're definitely not in the wrong here! You buying a vibrator or other sex toy is in no way a violation of your boyfriend's trust. As Heather said above, if he has insecure feelings about sex toys, it's his job to work through those. If he insists on framing this as an issue of broken trust, it may be that he doesn't currently have the maturity to be a good sexual or romantic partner at all. This is a wildly inappropriate reaction, on his part!

[lycheefan]

so for clarification-- me not telling him for 3 months wasnt wrong, right? given i had my (appropriate) reasons. he makes it seem like i was cheating

[Mo]

It wasn't wrong at all, whatever the timeframe! You don't really owe your boyfriend any information about what you do doing masturbation, whether that involves a toy or not.
I'm honestly pretty concerned that he's treating your use of a sex toy, and your decision not to tell him about it, as something like cheating. That's just so far afield of a reasonable response that it makes me wonder about how he's handling other issues in the relationship. You mentioned taking a break from the relationship in an earlier post; how has that gone? Is that still ongoing?

[lycheefan]

no.. he said he wanted to break up and 2 hours later regretted it. the break itself only lasted for a few days so we're "back together" but we're probably going to take a break again soon, because i need to re-evaluate some aspects of our relationship. i dont know how to tell him to get over his insecurities in a nice way because.. theres not really a nice way to say it. he cant expect me to just do whatever he wants because it'll upset him if i dont, and ive only just recently realized that.

what makes me the most upset is the fact that he makes me out to be the bad guy here, like i kept some awful secret from him for years. i dont know if im more mad or confused T__T thank you guys for the help so far

[Mo]

I certainly think you have every right to be mad AND confused about this! He's being unreasonable and unfair and it's really inexcusable for him to be acting like you've done something terrible here.