Figuring Out Polyam/Non-Monog Identity While Single?

[BuddyBoi21]

So I know I'm in no space to move on but I want to "give myself a chance". I have a lot of complex issues. I'm neurodivergent, have bipolar disorder and am trying to find the right meds, struggle to find stability both financially and in some other ways too.

I made the decision to cut off my now most recent ex/former friend last week because I realized I'm not in the space to continue/reestablish a friendship with this person. I'm trying to make new friends and eventually I'd like to start dating again but a big problem is trying to figure out whether or not polyamory is right for me. I definitely wasn't getting what I needed in my last relationship and discovered some other "issues" about myself like I more than likely have C-PTSD and have a disorganized attachment style.

I don't know if strictly pursuing monogamous relationships in the future is a good idea and I don't think it's fair and kinda reeks of compulsory monogamy by saying "maybe I should start out in a monogamous relationship first before entering a polyamorous one" when the blueprints for default monogamy tend to be toxic and messy.

I want to figure out how to explore and figure out where I fit in on that spectrum before trying to pursue anymore "serious" relationships in the future. Does anyone know how?

Also a side note: I'm also concerned about developing crushes and how strong these attachments may be as I try to pursue friendships. So yeah there's also this "how do I avoid catching feelings?" bit running in the background. Maybe that's not the "best" mindset to have about relationships (be they platonic or romantic) but I feel like it may help in the long run because again I'm kinda "messed up" for lack of a better phrase.

[Sofi]

Hi BuddyBoi21,
I can definitely appreciate that you're being mindful and self aware enough to say "you know what, I might not be fully ready to have a friendship with them" and do what's best for you; same goes for moving on. I know you know this, but I will never stop reminding you that your "issues" don't make you any less deserving of love and of healthy, fulfilling relationships. And speaking of that, have you had a chance to talk to a therapist about these new discoveries? What have they helped you learn about yourself in terms of how you handle relationships?

What you're doing here is great - instead of jumping into something that sounds nice, you're taking the time and putting in the work to figure out if it's what's best for you, for your future partners, and making a more informed decision moving forward. At the same time, I don't want you to overthink it and back out of trying something out that might work well for you. And while it's important that you have an idea of what YOU want, sometimes what we want can look a bit different depending on our partner(s), too. Many people can make a monogamous relationship work and be happy in it with their partner despite typically being polyamorous; as long as it isn't toxic monogamy, as you mentioned, then that's okay. And since within polyamory there's so many different ways to be in a poly relationship too, this reinforces that. I say this just to say, we don't have to settle on one style and stay there, which takes some pressure off this whole thing. Do you feel like you'd rather know for sure what kind of relationship you'll want before you start trying to pursue a new one, or would you want to have a general idea but be open to different styles?

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey Sofi,

For starters, I think I want to have a strong idea of what I want before trying to involve myself with anyone in a "serious" romantic relationship.

Also because I've had nightmare-ish/really invalidating therapy appointments I'm currently taking a long break from seeking a therapist. A common theme is that all of them (the last 4 I've tried seeing) have framed my problems putting an emphasis on "what can YOU do to fix your problems" when most if not all of my depression stems from external issues (mass death due to the pandemic, awareness of how bad climate change is and humanity's limited time, devastating effects of capitalism, systemic racism and no one caring about it enough to make any impactful change, etc) and internal issues like heavy grieving and lack of proper meds. Other invalidating things that have been noted have been being told I have anger issues when I'm angry/upset about systemic racism and even being told I should forgive my (now dead) abusive father "in order to heal" in my most recent appointment. Learning and being aware of a mental health industrial complex and seeing how even "professionals" with similar backgrounds to my own can even reinforce ableist and other messed up "mental health practices" that lead to being forced into a hospital to cover their own asses is extremely defeating which is why I won't bother for the time being. It's added on to my stress and I'm really unhappy and disappointed in this area. Sad part is I would go in talking about just more general things rather than focusing on relationships.

I have a lot of other compounding problems and I'm doing my best to internalize what you're saying about deserving love despite everything but stuff like this is why I feel like I'll never have my shit well enough together to I guess for lack of a better phrase "properly" give and receive (romantic) love and actually have a healthy, long-term romantic relationship.

I appreciate you listening and I hope everything I've said and the decisions that I've made make(s) sense thus far.

[Urna]

Hello Buddyboi21,

Everything you've said and the decisions that you've made are perfectly clear, yes! I'm really sorry to hear that you've had a horrid invalidating time of it during your last few therapy appointments. Highly understandable, too, that experiencing that sort of ableist toxicity from "professionals" can temporarily put you off of therapy as a whole. I feel just as strongly as you do about how inept the mental health industrial complex is wrt addressing distress that stems from sources beyond just one's brain chemistry or one's relationships.

You said you'd rather figure yourself and your priorities out first before getting into a "serious" romantic relationship with anyone. That makes sense! Like Sofi already said, it's good and healthy to do that. To "properly" give and receive romantic love is a slightly different issue, though, I think, and it's important to unpack what that means for you, if you'd like to do that. Would you?

[BuddyBoi21]

Hi Urna,

I guess? I personally feel like that all my problems are interconnected in a really complex, annoying, majorly screwed up way. Primarily, I feel as though I struggle with loving myself and I guess need to love myself first even though the systems in place and around me make it a thousand times harder than it needs to be. But what does it matter? I need to figure out how to love myself first otherwise I won't ever "properly" love anyone else, right? I don't really know/feel like they are a separate issue when everything feels like it impacts on another.

I also am struggling more and more in recent weeks trying to figure out "how to heal" after this most recent relationship went disastrously wrong while being very deeply attached to this person more than any other person in my life. I really don't enjoy it and am unsure if I even want to date again. I know a big thing has changed for me (I no longer want kids after this relationship) and I don't think it's a good idea to change my mind about it after everything I've experienced and realizing I have my own inner child to re-parent. In short, it all feels like a damn mess and that "I'm the problem" that I can't even "fix". I hope this made some sense. Thanks for reading and responding.

[Elise]

Hi there BuddyBoi21, I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with self love, and healing from this past relationship experiences. These are really big and interconnected things that many people struggle with, and you have articulated how these take form for yourself really well. It's a big first step to be able to recognise the way that things in your life affect each other so clearly. It can be also helpful to remember/reflect on the fact that what we decide is right for "right now" (eg. whether you want to date etc.), don't need to be permanent. It is often something that we can intellectually know, but take a while to emotionally believe that just because a decision can feel "big", doesn't mean we can't change our minds if it isn't feeling right for us in the future.

I say this because it sounds like you are leaning towards wanting to try taking a break from dating a go to focus on your own feeling towards yourself, and to process the relationship that has just ended. These sound like good ideas, however consider that this doesn't mean that this needs to be framed as "I need to heal these things perfectly and love myself fully and feel no emotions or hurt from this breakup ever again before I can date again", as these are not realistic goals.

Many (I would go so far as to say most) people struggle with their feelings towards themselves, and the hurts from past relationships, so achieving any kind of "perfection" in these areas wouldn't really be possible as a human. However, this is different to needing to heal to an extent where we can feel like we are no longer in pain/distress that could cause us to have similar experiences by repeating old patterns/not being able to clearly see when things aren't going in a way that will be emotionally or physically helpful for us, if that makes sense?

The above is all a bit reflective/theoretical, but hopefully was useful to unpacking the idea a bit further and feel more confident in giving it a go?It is also worth saying that having support networks as you address these big feelings and ideas is important (whether or you do, or how explicitly you discuss these things with them). Do you have a good group of friends with whom you can feel safe, loved/supported? We can actually learn a lot from our friendships. For instance, if you can see what your friends like about you, or how you show compassion for a friend that you don't for yourself, it can be useful to use those examples to understand what is great about yourself, and some new self talk to try. I am also going to put a couple of links you might find useful here below:

• Learning How to Love Through Friendships
• Why Does Friendship Matter to a Sex Ed Organization?

This is a lot of text to read, so feel free to take this in sections, at your own pace, and if you feel comfortable share your thoughts on these here. Also if you'd be interested in any practical self compassion exercises, grounding exercises (good for calming distress and being able to observe and challenge thought patterns after), or other resources on healing through the lens of attachment theory that I've found good, let me know, I would be very happy to share them with you

[BuddyBoi21]

Hi Elise,

I can' t give a full in depth response at the moment but I will say that your response touched on a bit of a point of grief. I do have friends but what makes this most recent relationship so specifically painful and feel complicated was that my most recent ex was also a close friend I've known for a few years. I feel a special sort of pain and emptiness because this person was the same person I would go to when I was having relationship problems and now that they are a part of my not-so-great love life story/history. I just feel a lot of struggle to show compassion when I feel like I failed this person. I feel like in many ways we both failed each other as friends and partners but primarily I'm focusing on myself and my own actions. I hope this makes sense so far and like I said earlier this isn't super in depth and I'll more than likely add more later (hopefully I'll remember everything). Thanks!

[Elise]

Hi BuddyBoi21, sorry to hear that this was particularly painful because it was losing a partner and a friend, it is completely natural to feel that grief, and also important to give it space to feel that loss. Whilst I know it is hard to do sometimes, remembering that relationships involve more than one person, their motivations and actions, and that this means in cases like this, no one person is at fault, nor is anyone specifically a "failure". The magnitude of hurt can be a lot, but that doesn't mean that we made a "mistake"/"failure" that was of the same magnitude to cause it, even though it can feel that way.

Sometimes it can help, if you're in a safe quiet space to do so, to either do a grounding exercise to ease distress, or a self compassion exercise where you give yourself space to feel the grief, but also acknowledge you are not alone and give yourself some comfort, or to do some self soothing, or all three. I'll pop some links here:

• Self-Compassion Break (saying each point aloud and giving them space rather than skimming them over reading them internally can help here)
• Grounding Technique: 5-4-3-2-1 Technique
• Self-soothing vs. self-care

[BuddyBoi21]

Hi,

I just want to start out by saying while I appreciate the effort to be left with grounding techniques that I didn't really feel comfortable recieving them because I never confirmed that I wanted them. I understand the intent and appreciate the gesture but it didn't leave me feeling too great which is why I didn't respond as soon.

So to explain consciously thus far what's going on or what feels like an issue: I'm doing an OK enough job at trying to make new friends but I notice I'm attracted to some of these folks in ways that aren't strictly platonic. I hate having these feelings but all I have to do is not act on them right? Plus these crush(es) know about my most recent ex and how I basically seem to be emotionally unavailable to some degree, right?

I think what I need primarily is some tangible advice on what exactly to do. These folks I interact with know that if I'm seeking connections outside of friendships that they don't extend past "FWBs" or some other form of "lower level commitment" although the description is kinda inaccurate because I'm not necessarily careless or disrespectful to these extremely casual partners.

How do I figure out polyamory while single? And if this requires dating of some sort is it even possible for me to do this when I obviously am not over my ex and still feel I care about her too much in order to properly move on?

[Mo]

It sounds like you aren't looking to initiate anything in terms of sex/relationships with these new friends--correct me if I'm wrong, but that's the impression I'm getting from this post. If that's the case, then yes, it's fine to have those feelings and not act on them.

If I misread the above and you are looking to initiate something with any of these new friends, I think the best thing to do is be open and honest about what you're looking for right now. If you aren't entirely sure, it's okay to say that, but the clearer you can be, the easier it will be to ask them for what you want.
I don't know that you can know for sure what they're thinking about your own emotional availability unless you've discussed that with them specifically. Talking about a recent breakup may lead them to the conclusion that you're pretty emotionally unavailable right now, but it might not; I think it'll depend on the kinds of conversations you've had with them about the situation.

It's possible (and a good idea!) to do some work thinking about how you'd like to structure future polyamorous relationships while you're single, but I also think it's not always possible to know how you'll feel about a particular situation until you're actually in it. I know that when it comes to polyamory in particular, it's fairly common for people to need to make some adjustments in how they communicate with partners, structure relationships, discuss boundaries, etc. after being in a relationship for a little while.
Do you have a sense of what sort of relationship structure you would want in an ideal world? Is there something you gravitate towards thinking about, if you imagine yourself in relationships with other people? Even if that doesn't feel like something you can or want to take part in right now, it might be helpful to have that ideal structure in mind.

In terms of whether dating in general is something you should be doing right now, I think that's tough to answer. Figuring out when we're "over" an ex or a breakup can be tricky, and people have different feelings about what counts as "getting over" someone or not. One way to look at it could be to ask yourself if you think you could have fun with another person without comparing them to your ex, or how you're feeling on the date to how you felt with them. If you think you could have a good time with someone, then I think it's okay to date them, especially since it sounds like you're more interested in keeping things casual right now.

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey Mo,

No, I wasn't outright looking for sexual or certain intimate relationships. I just wanted friends and got surprised with certain feelings. Thinking someone is cute and upon speaking to them more enjoying our interactions leading to a crush (or two rather). It's a bit distressing.

I also very recently got hit with an emotional curveball of my ex asking for her stuff back.

So this is what I mean, in the moment with these new people I'm enjoying spending time with them but I'm also trying to be mindful of what is/isn't fair to them or to me in how I feel. Ideally in this moment I just need a friend I can cuddle and kiss and talk to about either fun things we have in common or some emotional things and learn to open myself back up to intimacy knowing that I (hopefully) won't be traumatized or re-traumatized in the process.

I told them I'm still just feeling the pain out but understand my ex will never ever love me back/in the same way. I don't think I want to be in another hierarchy (even though we never intended for it to happen but I know now some are inevitable and create "natural" hierarchies like nesting together or having kids). Even if I'm the one with access to couple's privilege I don't think I want that anymore because the stuff that I experienced was extremely painful and felt super unfair despite a lot of it just being unfortunate circumstance and I don't someone else to experience this sort of pain/trauma.

I originally wanted an open relationship where I had an anchor partner/primary and would pursue casual sexual relationships or just engage in them as they came. But now thinking about my areas of insecurity and such I don't think that would be the best fit for me anymore and I may be better off engaging in solo polyamory for a while if I choose to date "seriously" again.

The idea of nesting and marrying doesn't bother me but it's not something I want right now or anytime soon. I also no longer feel I should have kids after how this relationship handled the concept of family planning.

As for whether or not I'm "over" my ex enough to start dating again...I don't think dating is off the table entirely but I think I have the energy to deeply emotionally invest into another person in the way I did with this last person. If it starts to have any hint of anything similar to my last relationship(s), I'll go running because this was an absolute dumpster fire and I feel so broken after what I've experienced.

As I said before I want something very casual, maybe sexual but still with emotional intimacy and care for the person(s) involved. I hope everything I've typed out so far has made sense. Thanks!

[Mo]

Yes, that's all very helpful, thank you!

It sounds like you have some really solid ideas about what sort of polyamorous situations you'd feel comfortable with in the future. I genuinely think that's great; I know that as a polyamorous person myself it took some time before I could figure out what sort of setup works best for me. And knowing you're open to something very casual but without a deep emotional investment is great, too! What I'd recommend with that is just being really honest about what you're looking for, if you get to a point where you'd like to initiate something, and to only get involved with people who are equally able to be clear about what they want.

In terms of the feelings you're having for other people, I think it's okay to get a bunch of these crushes and warm feelings, even if they feel inconvenient or not like what you want. Your feelings on their own aren't harmful to other people, and I think trying to squash them down or deny them is probably going to cause you a lot more stress in the long run; feelings aren't something we can usually control very well at all, you know? I find that sometimes it's helpful to just admit to myself that I have a crush on someone and remember that having that feeling doesn't mean I don't have to do anything about it.

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey Mo,

All of this makes sense. I eventually came to the decision to outright talk about my feelings because I didn't want these crush feelings to exist in the background while I still try to deepen my friendship with this specific person. I don't think it's looking great in terms of having access to the connection I would like and it being with this person but I'm happy I directly approached this instead of trying to forcefully bury it.

I am however realizing something nerve-wrecking. I might be some area of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" in terms of polyam identity.

I say this because toward the end of the evening before leaving my crush and a person they're casually involved with kissed and I could feel myself vaguely shutdown and the situation reminded me of my ex, myself and my former meta.

They were kissing and the other person's/partner's feelings were being considered before my own it felt like and I knew I would never kiss this person I liked. I just didn't feel good and there was some tinge of rejection I'm sure despite the numbness going on inside of me.

I don't know if it's an insecurity thing or if it makes sense to feel uncomfortable with PDA from a person you like you don't get to engage in said PDA with.

But it's something like that and how my ex tried to really go for KTP that makes me feel like I'm either the exact opposite of that or simply not polyam at all. To clarify, it's not like I don't want to know about it (like say for info about sexual health status or if a partner is going out and wants to notify me in case something becomes unsafe), I just don't think I'm comfortable with nitty gritty details, or seeing things/PDA (quite possibly mainly due to what happened with my ex and how that didn't feel great).

I hope this makes sense as well.

P.s. Crushes suck :'/

Thanks.

[Heather]

Hey there, buddyboi. I see that you're engaged with Mo around this, but they won't be back in until Friday. If you want to keep talking about this in the interim, I'm happy to do it with you, but wanted to check in that that's something you wanted first.

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey Heather,

I appreciate the check in and am totally down to hear your feedback!

I also wanna add I'm now feeling the full extent of how last night went and it's definitely rejection unfortunately and it stings. I also forgot about the term "parallel polyamory" and what that usually entails and feels it may be closer to what I describe rather than "DADT". In short, I don't see myself befriending future metas and being super close to them unless it happens organically and I also very strongly need my needs to be met by the hinge partner if I were to be in a polycule with a "V" or hinge.

But yeah, any tips on coping with rejection? I've been getting a lot of it as of recent both from my most recent ex and now my crush :/
(And may also prep for another). I also mainly told them because at the end of it I knew I couldn't comfortably continue our friendship without disclosing these feelings because they felt off/dishonest in a way.

Thanks!

[Heather]

I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with feeling rejected. Some of my favorite advice around rejection is actually in an article written by someone whose preschool teacher I was way back when: What's in a No? Let me know how that lands for you, and we can pick up from there if you like.

IMHO, right now a lot of us are dealing with rejection, maybe more than we would be otherwise. I personally think that the pandemic has added to a lot of that in a lot of ways. My feeling is that people are often being (sometimes because they have to) more selective about partners, and that that comes from a lot of places. That doesn't feel great on the receiving end, for sure, but I also think that a benefit of being turned down or away early is that it probably is for the best when it happens and it certainly is better to have something not happen early than fall apart spectacularly down the road, you know?

I don't think what you are describing sounds like DADT to me. Instead, it sounds like, first of all, you're having the feelings you are because you're not getting affirmation and engagement when it comes to those feelings with you, which sure makes it easy to feel envious, because of course! Too, everyone's threshold for how much detail they want to know and witness is different. It doesn't sound to me like yours is unusual or unusually rigid.

I hope that you'll still give yourself big props for being so open and honest, despite what might be the outcome of that in this particular case. I think, myself, it's always better to be as honest and transparent as we can, including because it makes finding our way to partners who are right for us, and we for them, a lot easier.

In terms of dealing with and preparing for rejection, what do you feel like you need to care for yourself around this? What will be or is a comfort? And moving forward, what do you feel like might make this stuff land less hard for you? Thinking outside of the box is a fine place to start. Even if something doesn't feel doable in the moment, I think figuring out what those things could be gives you a place to start.

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey Heather,

So I read through the article and I get the general theme. I know it's not a reflection of me, it's just that the way I was rejected reminded me of my past polyamorous dynamic with my most recent ex. THAT on top of not really recieving a direct answer at the end of the night but rather seeing this person engage with PDA with someone else after accidentally stumbling in on a conversation of them being asked by another person to be partners is what makes me feel like my chances at getting a "yes" at all to any sort of intimacy I would like is slim to none.

And I get the pandemic is effecting a lot of folks and making everyone a lot more conscious about new partners of any kind but this particular night felt like the universe really wanted to screw with me in the worst way possible.

I feel relieved that what I'm figuring out what I may want from polyamory isn't outlandish or unreasonable.

To answer your last questions, I don't know the answers to any of them really. I'm trying to figure out what I need and am trying to find coping skills. I've just been listening to music and hoping/manifesting in the background of my head that I'll find a partner who I feel secure with and until then am trying to accept that these not so enjoyable feelings; romantic loneliness, heartache/heartbreak, sadness and the dissatisfaction with the romantic aspect of my life will be with me for a while.

I know it's not the end of the world nor permanent and that I can and will find fulfillment in other ways. It just doesn't feel good and I wish these not so fun to experience feelings would go away. In terms of how to handle rejection better in the future. Again, I don't really know or can't think of much outside of have low or have no expectations about how asking these sorts of things may go.

I hope everything I said has made sense. Thanks.

[Mo]

I can definitely understand why rejection would hit harder in that particular instance. I do think it's important to keep in mind that rejection is very often not going to be about a rejection of You As A Person; there are so many reasons why someone might not want to start a relationship, have sex with someone, etc. other than not liking the person who asked.
And I know you know all this, but it's also something that can be hard to internalize--it's been tough for me to internalize sometimes, at least! But I think part of handling rejection in general is letting yourself feel hurt or disappointed when it happens but also reminding yourself that it doesn't mean something's wrong with you or that you'll never have someone say yes.

I'm glad you're working on finding the coping skills that'll be most helpful for you here, even if you haven't fully figured that out yet; it can be a bit of a process but doing what you can to be kind to yourself for now is a good start.