Polyam Relationship Advice

[Mixxes]

I guess another thing I’m thinking about is what are boundaries I can set with her? Cause lately, because she has broken so many of my boundaries and I’ve lost trust in her, I’ve felt like maybe I should have any boundaries at all so nothing she does can hurt me. I know that’s not practical or right (I read your really good post about boundaries) but to be completely honest, I’m stumped when it comes to boundaries with her.

The boundary I expressed with her is that I wanted us to remain monogamous while we sort out our issue and go to couples counseling and figure out what we want. But she says that she can follow that boundary only if we end up polyamorous at the end and that that’s her boundary. I’m not even quite sure that’s a boundary? I don’t really know anymore. Can you help me develop some boundaries I can set with her?

[Mixxes]

I guess another thing I’m thinking about is what are boundaries I can set with her? Cause lately, because she has broken so many of my boundaries and I’ve lost trust in her, I’ve felt like maybe I should have any boundaries at all so nothing she does can hurt me. I know that’s not practical or right (I read your really good post about boundaries) but to be completely honest, I’m stumped when it comes to boundaries with her.

The boundary I expressed with her is that I wanted us to remain monogamous while we sort out our issue and go to couples counseling and figure out what we want. But she says that she can follow that boundary only if we end up polyamorous at the end and that that’s her boundary. I’m not even quite sure that’s a boundary? I don’t really know anymore. Can you help me develop some boundaries I can set with her?

[Mo]

The thing about setting boundaries in a relationship is that they only work if the other person agrees to respect them, which it seems pretty clearly your partner is not, right now. I can certainly understand why you wouldn't trust your partner to respect boundaries you try to set right now. I agree that it feels pretty off, and not really in the spirit of setting boundaries, for your partner to say "I'll only agree to be monogamous now if you agree we can be polyamorous later." That feels like an unfair restriction for her to place on things, for sure.

What I've seen you say a few times is that your partner's lost your trust, which I entirely understand; I think the way for you to trust her again would be for her to take the initiative to listen to you and try and respect the boundaries you're trying to set. It sounds like she's digging in her heels pretty hard and not willing to do that, though, and if she isn't willing to change, I don't see how you can trust her moving forward.

This sentence really stood out to me:

I’ve felt like maybe I should have any boundaries at all so nothing she does can hurt me.

I'm going to be honest: this was really sad to read. It's so, so important for someone to feel like they can make requests of their partner for their own emotional well-being, and to have those requests and boundaries respected (or to have some loving but difficult conversations about what to do when two people's needs or boundaries are in conflict). I'm glad you recognize that it isn't healthy to not have any boundaries at all. If things are bad enough that you're really thinking about that, though, I think this is a pretty clear sign that there's a significant disconnect between what you need to feel safe and supported in this relationship and what your partner's willing to give.

If you're thinking it might be best to give up on asserting your needs at all, I don't think it's possible to have a healthy relationship with the way things stand now. I'm honestly not sure what I could suggest in terms of boundaries to try and set with her because it sounds like she isn't particularly interested in agreeing to any, you know? Your request to keep things monogamous while you look into counseling strikes me as very reasonable, and it's one I'd recommend, but it sounds like she's not even willing to do that without adding to it in a way that's unfair to you.

I wish I had a more positive response, here! Mostly I'm just really sorry that she's put you in this place. It sounds like it's been a pretty sudden change in her behavior and I can only imagine it's very painful to have to reckon with.

[Mixxes]

So sorry for posting the boundary thing like three times. I had no idea it was going through cause I didn’t realize there was a second page to this thread. Haha.

Anyway, I completely agree. It is hard to set boundaries with a person who seems to not respect them. And she really did seem like she wouldn’t.

We went to therapy today and honestly it went even better than I expected. My partner actually apologized (genuinely apologized) for their behavior and their breach in boundary. My partner acknowledged what she did was wrong and that she is willing to work on herself in individual therapy and work towards regaining my trust in our relationship. She also acknowledged that she had been unhealthily expressing her grief that may have hurt me and she apologized for it. I also realized that I also wasn’t entirely clear on my boundaries and need to work on my communication of those boundaries. For example, I told her it was okay for her to like her crush and for them to have an emotional connection. But to her, that meant “romantic” connection and she thought that “anything goes”, even though we were in a monogamous relationship. I should have been clear with her that I meant that I was okay with her liking someone but not pursuing a relationship with someone, at least until we had resolved our issue and established what we really wanted out of a polyamorous relationship.

She also realized that she was rushing things with this partner and she wants to really take things slow and focus on herself, her grieving, and our relationship before she even thinks about pursuing a relationship with her crush. I think she finally sees clearly now and it helped a lot that an objective third party was there to guide our conversation.

For the next few sessions, we’re going to work on what we need in our relationship and setting boundaries with each other, clear ones, and building trust again.

[Sofi]

Oh, good! I'm really glad to hear she seems to really understand now how her behavior and actions were hurtful and unfair, and I hope therapy can keep y'all on a good path of healing and moving forward. I'll say, because I care about you and your wellbeing, please keep putting yourself first when it comes to boundaries and whatnot. She can definitely change her behavior and y'all can get back to a healthy, trusting relationship, but you have to hold her accountable and make sure she's respecting you and your boundaries, always. <3

[Mixxes]

Thank you! I think we’re headed in the right direction, finally. It took a lot of time and effort, but we got there.

And I definitely agree that I have to prioritize myself. It’s something I acknowledge I have to work on.

I guess one question I have now is how do I set boundaries? How do I know what boundaries I have? Do you have book recommendations? Podcasts? Articles? I need help figuring out ky boundaries and expressing them clearly.

[Sofi]

This is a good starting place-
Articles: Be Your Own Superhero: Learning How and When to Stand Up for Ourselves; Draw the Line: Setting Healthy Relationship Boundaries
Book: Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day

[Mixxes]

Thank you so much for sharing! I read the articles (and will be reading the book soon) and I’ve actually made a lot of progress and realized some boundaries that I have.

I realized that I'm not comfortable with my partner dating my friends. Genuine friends to me are rare, and very sacred, and when my partner pursues a relationship with them, I feel like that friendship could breakdown because of it. For example, if they have a fight, consequently I'm going to be pulled into it, whether they intend for me to or not, and it's a very uncomfortable spot for me to be in. I also don't have a lot of friends so when my partner gets into a relationship with them, I feel like it will consequently lead to turbulence and, eventually, a break in the friendship because deep, romantic feelings are involved. Although I know friendships can breakdown for any reason, not just because of a partnership, I know it's more likely for it to breakdown because of a partnership and since I don't have many genuine friends, I don't want to risk it with my partner dating them.

I also don't think I can be friends with someone my partner dates. I can be acquaintances with them, and I can hang out with them in the same space, but I don't think I can be friends with them because of the mere fact they are dating and I do not want to be involved in it. I prefer my friendships separate from my romantic relationships.

In addition, I NEED a separate support system from my partner's support system. I don't want to mix support systems because if I want to talk about my partner and our struggles, it blurs the line and I know that that support system will (whether intentionally or unintentionally) favor one of us and/or feel uncomfortable and put them in a tough spot. That's already happened as my partner’s long term friend tried to support both me and my partner in our relationship and she told me she was uncomfortable because my partner has been her long time friend and she isn't as close with me. Therefore, she favored my partner. I need friend(s) who are there for me and only me. I don't want any more lines blurred and/or friends who favor my partner over me, even if it's unintentional. I need a solid friendship and solid support system beyond my partnership and my partner's partnerships, people who can support me.

[Elise]

Hi there Mixxes, that sounds like a good development that you've come to understand that you want your friendship network to stand separately from any polyam relationship structure you have in future, so that you don't feel caught in the middle of any relationship conflict, nor have the relationship dynamic between you and someone that you have a high level of platonic intimacy with to change. That is a valid thing to want to feel secure in your friendships and not risk an additional degree of complication being introduced.

In being able to articulate this to your partner should you both decide together to reopen your relationship in the future, as the line between "friend" and "acquaintance" can get a bit fuzzy in the middle, it may help to think about who these people are in your life that you would apply this to. In terms of describing the what, why and how of this boundary to your partner, I find the below structure quite useful to use:

I felt / I feel / I might feel...[emotion]...
if you / if we... [the specific behaviour, just the facts]...
because...[how this would be interpreted by you].
What I wanted or needed / what I want or need / what I might want or need from you is...[specific action / behaviour].
What do you think? / How do you feel about that? / What would you suggest? (this is where you ask your partner for their thoughts.)

How would you go about using this structure do you think? If it was to start with "I feel that I would like it if we did not date people who are already close platonic friends..."?

I am reading in your last post a bit of an assumption that the risk of friendship 'breakdown' being quite high in general, and would just like to challenge this gently. Many people, poly or monogamous, can end up with shared friends, and when romantic breakups or conflicts between platonic friends happen, this doesn't mean that all the friendships are lost. Remember that your friends have their own agency in these scenarios, and their connection and care, to and for you will continue to mean something to them if they are the true friends you think of them of, and you deserve to be able to feel some security in your relationships with them. Does that make sense? Is there anything that comes up for you when thinking about this?

[Mixxes]

I guess for me, the problem is that my partners friends are my friends and my partner’s friends have been there for years for them, whereas my partner’s friends are really only there for me because I’m my partner’s partner. I don’t feel like I really do have a “close friend” who I can disclose my thoughts and emotions to apart from my relationship with my partner and I think that’s why, at least for now, the boundary of my friends being separate from my partner is so important. I don’t want all of my life to be meshed with my partner. I want friends of my own, who don’t always prioritize my partner and favor them, like they’ve been doing. I guess I want a support system that is separate from my partner because, quite frankly, I don’t know if my partner and I will work out and I want to be able to have a support system separate from her in case of that scenario if that makes sense? At the end of the day, my friends and my partner can do whatever they want. They can date if they want. They can like each other if that’s what they feel. But if they do, I have to decide if the partnership and/or friendship is right for me at this moment. And honestly, because I don’t have true friends at the moment and want to develop that platonic support system, I don’t feel comfortable with that dynamic. My partner has friends that if we break up will continue to be their support system and will continue their friendship. I don’t and I don’t think, for me, that’s a very healthy thing to have because those “friends” I have that are my partner’s will not talk to me if we break up. They’re not my support system. My partners friends will most likely never speak to me again if we break up, even though they’re my friends too. And I would like a set of friends who won’t pick a side and just abandon me when the relationship goes awry, hence why I think it’s messy for my partner to be friends with my friends because I’m trying to develop that support system currently. I don’t know if that makes sense. I just want friends who will be there for me, even if my partner and I break up and that will get messy if my partner dates them.

Another thing I realized is that this relationship didn’t really allow me the liberty or the support I needed to be able to make friends and create that support system for myself. And when I finally started making a close friend, my partner ended up liking her and now they’re way closer than I am with her and she will again favor her like her other friends do so now I feel like I’m back at square one. Finding friends for me is super hard, especially since I’m a survivor and I have a lot of past trauma. I would just like to have at least one friend that can be there for me even if my partner and I don’t make it. And I know for a fact that these friends won’t, especially now that there’s romantic feelings involved with one of them.

[Sam W]

Hi Mixxes,

Those are all incredibly understandable things to want when it comes to friendship dynamics. While fluidity between "my friend" and "our friend" is common and often a positive thing, it makes sense that you'd want at least a few people who you feel will be on your side (for lack of a better word).

Do you think it would help to focus even more on finding new, platonic connections? Trauma can absolutely make that more difficult, but I wonder if it can help to remind yourself that you've done it at least once, which means you can do it again. For instance, how did you meet the friend who's now your partners' crush?

[Mixxes]

She was a volunteer for a community event my partner and I was hosting. I think what I need to do is find my own things I can do separate from my partner. I feel like our lives are just way too meshed and I want some space to have my own identity. And I think that way I’ll be able to find friends that will be there for me and not just for my partner.

[Sam W]

I think that's an excellent idea! Do you have some starting places for things you want to try as part of making spaces for yourself that are outside of your relationship with your partner?

[Mixxes]

Yes. I’m a musician and so maybe I can meet other musicians through musical events, concerts, etc. I can also see if there’s any local LGBT events going on.

Another thing I would like to ask is if it’s possible to have a healthy relationship with someone who emotionally abused you? I do feel like my partner did cheat on me, lied to me, and gaslighted me, all things that are considered emotional abuse, for the past month. She’s starting to realize her behavior and I believe we’re making progress. I just wonder if it’s possible for someone to rebuild a healthy relationship after emotional abuse. Has this ever been done? Is it a possibility?

[Emily N]

It’s understandable to not know how to proceed with the relationship - you love this person, you have spent years with this person, and most of it was caring and healthy. It’s hard to end something like that, even if right now she is treating you so poorly. From your posts, it sounds like you already know this but I’ll say it anyways - the way that your partner is treating you, disrespecting your boundaries, and gaslighting you is not your fault. You are doing an amazing job trying to communicate to them how you feel while also supporting them in their grief. Part of me wonders if she is treating you so poorly because you are a safe person for her, and she maybe feels she doesn’t have to “woo” you like she does her crush. And it’s not fair.

As far as boundaries, it sounds like you have already marked your biggest one with her - you are not ready to have a polyamorous relationship with her right now. (And I echo what Sam said earlier, it doesn’t sound like she’s actually ready for that either.) If that boundary doesn’t work for her, then there isn’t much you can do - you might not be compatible partners at this time. Have you said this clearly to her? She needs to understand that boundaries are non-negotiable - she doesn’t get to have a say in when you are comfortable opening the relationship, only you do. What other boundaries do you think would be helpful to set? How have you negotiated the conversations around using her grief as an excuse to treat you poorly?

[Mixxes]

So we’re back at square one. My partner wanted to take a three week break so she could grieve the loss of her god mother without worrying about our relationship and I consented. We set up very clear boundaries about this time:

1. We would only contact each other once a day to update each other.
2. My partner would not be able to see the person she likes alone (nor would I), we can only hang out together with other people.
3. We would be monogamous.

My partner just messaged me saying that she wanted to change the second boundary immediately because the person she likes needs comfort and support and she's the only one who can give it because her other friends aren't available. I told her I was not comfortable with her being alone with her because the last time they comforted each other like that, they cheated on their partners (me and this other girl who was in a relationship with that person). I expressed to her my concern, especially that she was comforting someone else rather than grieving, which was a boundary she had set for herself during this three week period and instead of validating my concern she said "You never consider my grief. You've never supported me. You always make it about her." When I wasnt. I was simply readdressing the boundary she had set for herself during this time and how she was breaking it. At this point, I don't know what to do. I feel like she's spiraling and taking everything out on me. And I don’t understand this obsession she has with consoling her crush. She says she doesn’t have the energy to console me in this relationship so we took a break, yet she has the energy to console her crush? I am just so confused. This time it wasn’t even my boundary she broke. It was her own: to use this time to grieve for her godmother. If she can’t even follow her own boundary, how can I expect her to respect mine?

[Mixxes]

So we broke up.

Basically I was telling my friend what was happening between us and my friend expressed to me that zhe was extremely worried about us, particularly about my partner emotionally abusing me (they were the ones who kind made me realize it was that). The reason I didn’t feel like I could talk to zhir before for support and I felt like I had no one to talk to about this is because my partner didn’t let me talk to zhir about it. She finally allowed me to after I expressed to her that I felt like I had no support in this. Zhe actually told me that not allowing me to talk to my support system is abuse too and I think I see what zhe means. It’s not right to let your partner not talk to a friend for support, especially when this was happening, and zhe thought it was because my partner felt guilty and knew she was doing wrong, and hence didn’t want me to talk to zhir.

My friend also said I should probably talk to my crush about this since it was impacting the both of us and share with her what was happening, as well as her side of things. So I did and we talked and honestly it was really disappointing. First off, she gave me a slightly different version of events where she was the one who initiated the kiss. Second, she told me that my partner told her that everything between them two was ball game and that I was basically okay with anything and everything that happened between them. I was honestly very hurt because we never even said “we are officially in an open, polyamorous relationship” and she assumed that I was okay with everything. And my partner even went as far as to say she thought that because “she wasn’t clear on the boundaries”. Well, if you’re not clear on the boundaries, why don’t you ask me instead of doing whatever you wanted? In fact, she DID ask me a question before her crush came over. She asked me “is it okay if my crush comes over today? She’s having a mental breakdown and needs support from me.” And I was like “Yea. I can’t control who you hang out with and when. I’m a little confused as to why you’re asking me this.” So clearly she was unclear with boundaries when she was asking that question. And what’s funny is that she would ask me if she could “hang with xyz” but she never asked “can I kiss xyz”. I feel like she asked that question to absolve herself of the guilt if anything were to of happened between them. But that’s not clear consent. And if she was so confused about the boundaries in our relationship, why did she proceed to do whatever she wanted with her crush? And honestly, her crush also played a role too because SHE was also in a monogamous relationship when they kissed. I told my partner’s crush all this and basically she said that it’s her fault because she initiated the kiss. And I was like “it’s not your fault cause Ti Ti basically lied to you about our boundaries in the relationship.” Whether intentionally or unintentionally, she chose to, instead of ask me, completely assume all the boundaries. And when she did ask me, it wasn’t even about if we were open. It was about whether she could hang out with her crush or not. That’s not clear, informed consent. Her crush (obviously) took my partners side and said that the night was really rough on her and they were both crying and that she was crying about her mother and that the only way she could think of comforting her was to kiss her. I’m sorry, but when you’re comforting someone you don’t kiss them??? Never in a million years would I ever do that to my friends. Heck, I didn’t even do that to my partner because kissing isn’t a gesture of comfort??? And I tried to explain all this to my partners crush and she kind of was telling me that the kiss needed to happen because my partner was in pain about her mother. That made NO sense to me whatsoever. And something REALLY alarming she told me was “don’t tell your friends about what happens between you and your partner. They’re obviously going to want to break you up and it will bias you because that’s what happened with me and my now ex.” I’m sorry but that’s a HUGE red flag. When you can’t talk to your own friends about your partner, that means that you’re not in a safe relationship and I’ve been through enough abusive relationship to know that it’s a form of isolation. That was EXTREMELY concerning. Another thing that concerned me is that she said that I should have been focused and there for my partner when she was acting suicidal and prioritize her and her feelings. First of all, I did. Second of all, I feel like she was insinuating that my partner wanted to kill themself because of me… I just brushed that off because that’s just ridiculous. So now not only do I have trust issues with my partner, I have trust issues with my friend. What’s happening is not adding up and it’s SO unhealthy.

Basically, that’s what “led to my partner’s crush’s mental breakdown” according to my partner. And that’s why she had to be there to comfort her and support her, she said. So basically, again, my partner is blaming everything on me. She said that this was too much for her, that she wanted to break up, and I said me too. I called her and she told me that her crush told her that I basically was saying that I didn’t trust her, that she was being toxic towards me, and that we should break up. First off, my partner already knew about the first two things. Second off, it’s biased for my “so called friend” to suggest to my partner we break up. And then after my partner said that, all of a sudden she said that everyone wants us to break up because I can’t “forgive her”. She said that she’s already apologized for me many times and “I don’t get over it”. I said that her apologies weren’t genuine because she never admitted to what she did (aka cheat on me, lie to me, gaslight me, etc.). Since their apologies were empty and she wasn’t willing to see what she has been doing and admit to what she has being doing, there was no point in the relationship because that meant that she wasn’t willing to fix anything. She basically thought a sorry was enough. But a sorry means nothing if all she’s saying it for is for me to feel better and not for her to change her behavior. And honestly, a part of me feels like she wanted to break up because she just wanted to do whatever she wanted whenever she wanted with her crush, and I was getting in the way.

All of this are very, very, very clear signs of a toxic, emotionally abusive, unhealthy partner and I tried to get her to realize that to no avail. It’s not my job to make her realize. It’s for her to accept and for her to process, not me. And I wanted her to because then that would mean she could fix her behavior and we could finally actually be on the way to healing. But that’s clearly not what’s she’s interested in. She’s not interested in changing her behavior. She’s not interested in working on this relationship. She’s not interested in being apart from her crush. She made those things very clear.

I was willing to work with her. I put up with SO much, excused SO much, dealt with SO much because I truly believed we could get through this. But after this whole thing, I know for a fact we won’t because she will never ever admit her fault. It’s funny because she said “don’t you see I’m working on the relationship? I apologize to you. I go to therapy with you. Clearly I’m working on it.” Those aren’t indicators she’s working on the relationship, especially when she still isn’t accepting her actions. I told her “you cheated on me. It was very clear. You cheated. Admit that and we can start the process of moving on.” And she said “no no no no no. I did not. I did not cheat. I did not.” And she was very clear about where she stood with that. And when I told her “In order for us to move on and for us to get to a point of healing, you have to confront the fact that you have been manipulating and gaslighting me.” And instead of again admitting it, she said “I never did any of those things. In fact YOU were gaslighting ME.” And so I asked how because if I was I would gladly think about it, process it, and take steps to change that behavior. She said “It doesn’t matter. We’re over.” And hung up. She couldn't even tell me how I was gaslighting her and she was just saying that to deflect from what she was doing. So very clearly she is not willing to change and it shows that she will continue breaking my boundaries and completely disregard and disrespect me.

I also realized that my partner broke three boundaries when she reached out to me yesterday about “speaking alone with her crush”. These were the very clear boundaries we set the day before that we had established together:

1. We would remain monogamous
2. We would only text 1-2 times a day during the break
3. My partner and my crush would hang out with people only if other friends I of theirs are around

For her:

She would focus these three weeks on grieving the loss of her mother.

For me:

I would focus these three weeks on self love, my boundaries, what I wanted from this relationship, and on healing.

By texting me “Hey I want to be alone with xyz because she is having a mental breakdown and I need to be there for her and none of her other friends can make it.” She was breaking the second boundary because this was the third time she texted me yesterday. She was going to break the third boundary because she wanted to go back on what we established about them two being alone during this time. And she broke her own boundary because focusing on other peoples mental health is not prioritizing your grieving nor is it allowing you to grieve. She broke three boundaries just with that one text message, and one of them was literally the boundary she set for herself. And what’s funny to me is that her crush DID have a friend she could have talked to. My friend who told me zhe was concerned was actually the one who introduced all of us three. And zhe was available. But she wanted my partner and only my partner. And my partner allowed it and even broke a boundary for it.

Clearly, my partner had no intentions of respecting the boundaries. And, again, she chose to prioritize this relationship of hers with her crush over not only our relationship, but even with the relationship between her and herself. If she can’t even keep the boundary between themself, then clearly something is really wrong. And when I brought it up, instead of acknowledging it they said “I’ve been doing everything by for you. Have you done the same for me? While I’m grieving my godmothers death? Or have every time I brought her up you ended up making it about you?” This is just messed up. She’s continuously using her mothers death to justify her actions and to disregard my feelings, my boundaries, and even her own boundaries. There is nothing I can do at this point because no matter how hard I work in the relationship, there’s literally nothing I can do to fix it because they aren’t putting their part. And I’m very happy it’s over.

Knowing her, she probably will jump into the relationship with her crush and that relationship will crash and burn because it started out in deceit (them both cheating on their partners to be together) and is turning into codependency (her crush constantly looking to her for support for her mental breakdowns when she should be reaching out to counselors and vice versa). It’s a very toxic relationship and I’m glad I’m no longer involved in it. They both are very, very clearly not ready to be in a relationship, much less a polyamorous one, but I know they will go forward anyway. I’m just glad I’m not there for the fall out.

[Sam W]

Hi Mixxes,

I know break-ups can suck, and that they can bring up all sorts of complicated emotions, but I also want to say that I'm really relieved to hear things ended between you two. From our conversations here, and from everything you just posted, it's abundantly clear this relationship just wasn't emotionally safe or healthy for you. I'm also glad you were able to talk with an actual friend for support and that zhe was quick to point out the red flags (and double-standard, given that your ex wanted the all clear to hang out with whoever she wanted but kept you from seeing a close friend).

How are you feeling right now? And is there anything specific we can do to support you around all this?

[Mixxes]

Im feeling relieved, but also in shock and heart broken. I just can’t believe that she basically threw our relationship away for a person she’s barely know for a month. I’m glad because she’s emotionally abusive and I don’t have to deal with that behavior anymore from her. But I’m also upset because if she would have just admitted to her behavior and realized it, then maybe we could have worked it out. But it’s very clear that she does not want to work things out and that she does not care about me or our relationship, especially after she’s broken so many boundaries. This was the final straw.

[Sam W]

Those are all absolutely understandable things to be feeling right now, especially given how much work you put into trying to salvage things only for her to disregard it or accuse you of not caring about her. Are you able to take some time today or over the weekend to take care of yourself, and maybe connect with that same friend who helped you decide to break-up?

[Mixxes]

Yes. I’m reaching out to my friend, I reached out to my mentor. I even talked to my family about this and I feel like I’m starting to build my support system again.

[Mixxes]

After talking to my therapist, I realized I am a codependent and that allowing all my boundaries to be crossed and broken with no consequences is unhealthy. I also sought to fix my partner rather than addressing my own needs and just walking away when things got abusive and toxic. Honestly, I am very proud of myself for walking away after a month of this because it shows progress. Before, I had stayed in this abuse for months in end, but this time it took me only a month. That’s really impressive and I think that it’s a good step forward. I decided a boundary I have for myself at this moment is that I will be single and work on myself so I stop being codependent. I am going to learn my boundaries, I’m going to get to know myself, and I’m going to heal.

[Sofi]

I, too, am really proud of you, Mixxes. Like Sam said, I'm sort of relieved because you were clearly struggling and your partner wasn't being good to you, and you deserve better. I'm glad you know that and you have a plan moving forward to work on yourself. We're always here for support, venting, etc. <3

[Mixxes]

Thank you for all your help and support during this difficult time in my life! If I need help setting boundaries for myself and navigating my healing, I will definitely reach out.

[Mo]

I'll be another person to say that while I'm sad things ended the way they did, I'm so glad you were able to see the unhealthy patterns that had been established in your relationship and stand up for yourself.