My first time breaking up with a person

[muskratsunshine]

So I have been in a relationship with this guy for a little over a year. When we first started to be friends the lines quickly started to blur and I guess neither of us really verbally said we are now dating we kind of just were suddenly kissing holding hands and acting like we were dating.
I regret that. I knew from the beginning that he isn't the person that is perfect for me. But relationships always look sparkly and perfect before they begin so like the 17.5 year old I was I jumped in anyways. Now I'm almost 19 and I've been struggling with depression and anxiety. Ive tried to tell him about how being depressed is affecting everything in my life and he just responds with "just smile, be happy, only happy!" which only makes me feel worse because as many people understand, depression usually comes with strange feelings of guilt and self hatred. I could keep explaining reasons why I stopped wanting to be in the relationship, but what I really need advice about is that he doesn't think anything is wrong. I have changed, just as so many people my age do, and he too has changed, he has gotten more cocky about who he is, he lies about who he spends time with, he flirts with girls in front of me and kind of denys that I have a right to get upset, just telling me "no more jealousy". Like I said there are a lot of reasons, it all comes down to its time for us both to move on. I plan to break up with him tomorrow, Im going to ask him to meet me in public (I worry about my ability to get away because I suspect he will be hysterical) and I plan to be direct about it, because I think it is more painful to drag out the breaking up by standing there explaining too much. I'm scared about what to say, I was going to say something like this:

I am breaking up with you, it kills me to have to hurt you like this. You are one of the most important people in my life and I never wanted to have to break your heart but I don't want to be your girlfriend, I wish we could just go back to being friends but I realize that we will need some time apart before we can think about that. Im so sorry that I am hurting you, I am sorry that you didn't see this coming and that it is hard to understand. Just please know that it is not because I don't think you are a good person or friend, you are a wonderful friend and I will truly cherish the times I had with you. Our relationship ending does not mean that I don't care about you, I just don't want to be dating anymore, and someday in the future maybe we can be friends

I just wanted to keep it short and clear, maybe someone can give me a little insight thanks

[Sam W]

Hi muskratsunshine,

I think the script you've written out does the job well, and it sounds like you've also worked out where you feel comfortable ending things. Breaking up can suck, but I want to give you kudos for ending a relationship that you feel no longer meets your needs as a person. That can be a hard thing to do. You may also want to take a look at this piece that we have on the site about break-ups:
Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking

[muskratsunshine]

Hey thanks for replying

It went better than I ever could have imagined. And yet I feel really horrible. He met me and I was crying and I said Im breaking up with you, and he just hugged me and was telling me its okay and that he kind of figured. He was comforting me because I was a complete wreck, I was just so emotional. The ending of a relationship that lasted that long is really painful. I really underestimated how bad I would feel. We stood by his truck and talked about it for a while, he was saying how he isn't hurt or angry, that he hopes I talk to someone and that we can still be friends and hang out in the future. I am so happy about that. I hope we can be just really good friends because that was the one part of all of it that I loved. I loved being just the friend, to be ridiculous together and just talk. I don't know why I am feeling this way now though.

I was the one to initiate the break up and now I miss him, I feel grief about the ending of so much time spent laughing and I am sad because for a long while I really did love him. And I know I still made the right choice, because I think we were just too different anyways to work, and we are so young. I don't know what to do with all these feelings Im having, it is so rough. I don't know why I miss him suddenly, why Im having second thoughts, why I feel such crippling sadness about it ending when I was the one to end it.

Any insight on this? I feel so crummy

[Heather]

Even when we know it's time, and best, for something to end or radically change, that doesn't mean it'll be easy, or that we won't feel sad or conflicted about it. A loss is a loss, and loss is most often hard and sad.

It also will tend to take time, and a grieving process, just like any other kind of loss. That means letting yourself have all of these feelings, and riding them out. It also ideally means doing what you can to give yourself some extra care and to get some extra support from others right now. In the next week or so, do you think you can do some things that you know comfort you emotionally, and find a couple people or so to lean on to help you process this?

It also sounds like, mind the parts you loved most about this are probably still available to you. This sounds like a pretty good breakup, as breakups go, to me, one where you both treated each other with care, and also still want to make a relationship together that does work for both of you. In other words, you say you loved being the friend: sounds like you still will get to do that, and like your ex would really like it if you did.

[muskratsunshine]

Yes we do still get to be friends, I am so so so happy about that. When I got home I sent him a text thanking him for handling all of this the way he did and that he will always be one of my closest best friends. And he responded saying I will be one of his too and to just try and feel better. I am so lucky that it went so well. Maybe thats why I keep having second thoughts, or they aren't even second thoughts just the normal thought phases of a break up. I just feel sad, its like I can only remember the good times and its only making me cry more.

I keep thinking about how I can't text him right now about how bad I feel, or how I won't ever cuddle with him or lay by him and fall asleep again. Which prior to today I was irritable about that idea of doing any of those things, I wanted to be free and a singular person. I had been refusing to hold hands with him and I never wanted to kiss or hug or cuddle. Why do I suddenly have such strong nostalgia and longing to be back in that position? Is that just how we as humans respond to this sort of thing? I know that is almost always my own natural response to change, and most people are like that, change is scary so we cling even when we know it is time to let go.

I have been talking a lot with my mom about it. She keeps telling me to be careful with being friends with him so it doesn't turn into dating again just because we didn't give ourselves time to move on, which I get, and I plan to give it a couple weeks so I can get past all the crying and be okay with seeing and talking with him. But she agreed, at least we still get to be friends. I hope that maybe it will become an even deeper friendship because the weight and pressure of being 'boyfriend-girlfriend' won't be there.

But I have been trying to talk to my one friend about it, she knows him as well, she has been having trouble with depression lately so she will take a while to respond to texts sometimes and seems distant. I always feel like I am burdening her with my emotional rambles. And I know she has other stuff on her mind.

[Heather]

Sounds like your Mom is giving you some pretty good wisdom there.

You know, we get used to things, and used to people in certain roles in our lives. If we know anything about human beings, we know that most of us are pretty serious creatures of habit. We also know that we often have a hard time dealing with change, even positive change.

I'd add that I don't know what your life experience is so far with making big decisions where all or most of the responsibility for them is yours, but if this is one of the first times you have done that, that's probably another piece of how you're feeling. When we're new to doing that -- and plenty of times when we're not! -- it feels pretty huge, and we can feel really scared of having made the wrong choice.

But you know, all you can do when you make choices is take the time you have and need to make them, and to make them with care and thought. And you've done that, from the sounds of things, and that led you to this choice. So, even if it hurts right now, you knew before you made the choice, and still know now, it was the right one for you.

One last thing I'd add is that in my experience, breakups when they clearly need to happen, with people where there is real mutual care can wind up resulting in even better relationships with that person than we had when we were together sexually or romantically. I know speaking for myself that one of my very best friends on earth, someone I will no doubt think of and treat as a member of my family for all of our lives, was once a romantic and sexual partner, and I have a few more close friends where that's similar. We can't predict the future, or know what a kind of relationship we haven't had yet with someone -- or haven't had after we have had this other kind -- will be like, but I think it's important to figure that you may discover that what you two become moving forward is just as great, if not more so, as what was great about who you were to each other before.

[muskratsunshine]

That helps so much to hear.
Especially the part about your best friend. That is exactly what I hope this becomes, and I think it has great potential to, like you said, since we both care about each other. This was my first real boyfriend and my first real break up, and the first time that I have ever ended a relationship. Even when I would lose friends in the past it was never a verbal, in person ending, they would always just fade off or I would just stop talking to the person. So this was probably actually a really good learning experience and maybe it will even make me realize that I am a strong young woman.

And what you were saying about how we grow used to people that really helps to hear too. I see that among other people my age, they stay in relationships because to them it is better than being alone or facing the terrifying unknown. I never wanted to be like that, because I think if I would have been too afraid to make this change, then I would never have the courage to do other things, like move to a totally new state, or push my self creatively and chase my dreams. It all seems connected so I guess I am already starting to see the positives a bit clearer.

Do you have any advice to carry these feelings a little better? I have been walking around my house crying all day, and granted it only just happened this morning, but everything I do seems to remind me of him and they aren't even bad feelings, they are good because we are still on good terms, but they still trigger crying.

[Heather]

Since this is so new, I think crying when you feel sad and feel like crying IS carrying those feelings well already. Again, the best way to process feelings always starts with letting ourselves have and experience them, rather than trying to shut them down.

Why not give yourself at least a day to just cry and feel sad? Are you worried you won't be able to handle that? If so, how about finding a friend to hang out with you today you can be sad with?

[muskratsunshine]

I am letting myself cry when the waves hit me I guess. I talk to my mom about it when the hurt feels to powerful to keep in. I keep replaying things in my head; times when I was a bad girlfriend, when I was good to him, when things felt magical. It hurts so bad it makes me nauseous, and I hope if I just let myself think through all those things and feel all the pain it will eventually subside. I just wish I didn't have to replay all those things, it feels like physical pain.

My mom was saying it probably will for a while, things will feel raw for a while and that is just how it goes with this sort of thing. I know she's right, it really stinks that this is part of the human experience, I always said I wanted to feel and experience the full spectrum of human existence. It almost seemed like he was already over it when I was talking to him initially this morning, and maybe thats what hurts too. That I was the one who said I want to break up but Im the one who is having the most trouble.

Im trying to distract myself with healthy things, like tomorrow a life long friend of my moms is going to start teaching my how to carve wood sculptures

[Heather]

It likely is physical pain: hurting emotionally can certainly result in physical pain.

Again, I'm a fan of your Mom and what's she's been saying. And I agree with you: when you are deep in this, it beyond blows. It's really freaking awful. But without getting too hokey, I do think that stuff like this is what makes our joys, when we have them, feel so much bigger. (And if you want to virtually kick me in the shins for saying that right now, I'd certainly understand.)

Your day tomorrow sounds fantastic. I think a balance of just letting yourself feel how you do, and grieve, with things like that when you can swing them, is just right.

That piece Sam linked you to talks a little, too, about how it can feel when you do the breaking up. By all means, it can be a bit more complex, especially if some of the feelings or worries you're having are about "being the bad guy," doubts after the fact about your choice, and being the person who, with this particular action, had to be someone who perhaps caused someone else, and yourself, some pain on the road to making people being happy more likely. It's a lot of responsibility to hold in some ways.

It might help you to recognize that it sounds like your boyfriend agreed with you about all of this, however hurt you both are about the situation. And all that really means is that you just wound up doing something first that one of you was probably bound to do in time, if not very soon. Relationships are always about everyone involved, not just one person. Your relationship, and you as people, changing or shifting and needing to go in another direction isn't just on you because you're the one who called it, you know? It's about both of you, and that's not about fault, either.

[muskratsunshine]

Today I feel anxious about all the thoughts I have been having, I feel this constant sickening anxiety, especially every time I think about when we were talking-breaking up- and his face and how he gave me a hug before I left. It feels like giant hole is in my chest and I don't know what I do to cope with that. I only feel a little better when I am fully distracted, like when I was learning about wood carving today, being around people older and wiser than me helps, because they have, without a doubt been in my exact situation.

Its just every time Im alone I miss him, I want to text him, start a conversation, tell him about my day. It is so confusing, I just thought I would feel a weight off my shoulders after breaking us up, but it feels more like he broke up with me, the pain.

[Heather]

I'm glad to hear you got a bit of a break from this today.

When you have times like the latter, and in general, how about calling up a friend instead? And how about asking a friend or two to spend more time with you now so that you can have some of these feelings with support from people who care about you?

Really, this is mostly just one of those things that's going to take time, and probably way more than a day and a half. It's going to hurt and feel sad and strange for a while. Support helps, but what it mostly helps is just being able to cope better with those feelings. It -- and nothing, really, again, except some time -- can make those feelings go away. They're just part of the deal.

[muskratsunshine]

That sounds like it would help, I asked my good friend to come over and crochet with me tomorrow, I don't really have very many friends, but I have found that reading is really helping, I'm re-reading the Harry Potter series and it helps a lot because its a world that I can fall into and just be away from hurting for a bit.
Is that bad? Is that avoiding things?
I don't want to avoid or bottle feelings and thoughts but it just feels so nice to get a break from hearing my own thoughts, to be in a magical wizarding world for a while and realize that my pain is something that will go away.

It is such a bummer that time has to take so much time (haha sorry that was a toddler way to say it). I'm going to do that, ask a friend, my mom to spend time with me, maybe get out of the house and do things, and probably read a lot, it passes time and relaxes the anxiety

[Heather]

It IS a bummer time has to take so much time: agreed, and I love how you said that!

Really, I think you need to see what you can't do to let go of concerns that your instincts about how to grieve and deal with this are bad or wrong. All we can do in these situations is go with our guts, and check in with our heads that things we want to do are safe and sound for us. All we also can really do, with any kind of coping, is try different things to find out what works for us.

Wizard away, friend. Wizard away. (Which house is yours? )

[muskratsunshine]

Yeah I definitely have a history of being too hard on myself overall in life as well, which is a goal of 2015; be nicer to myself. I keep beating myself up about all the times I got annoyed at him, or was stand offish for no reason.

But I am starting to realize that none of that matters, it is past and behind me and (after a listening to a lot of Paramore songs) I realize that there will be a big raw spot for a while, but that doesn't mean I have to feel weak or helpless amid my own thoughts, some of those thoughts are just habits anyway, like expecting to see a text from him.

I'm excited for time to go by, I feel like everything happens for a reason and I bet this happened for a really good reason, at least thats the positive mantra I am creating haha!

And I will certainly wizard away! I always identified with Luna and Neville, and I definitely like to think I would be a Gryffindor and be like Neville and discover my own bravery was inside of me all along! Which is your house??

[Heather]

I think I need the sorting hat, as I feel like I could go either way with Hufflepuff or Gryffindor.

Really glad to hear this update from you, sounds like you are feeling a lot more able to work your way through this.