Family Gathering Survival Guide

[Sam W]

So, for quite a few of us, the holiday season will soon be upon us. This generally means that we'll be expected to spend more time than usual around our families, which can be stressful for folks whose families are difficult to be around for whatever reason (questioning your life choices, making mean comments, dismissing things like your sexual orientation or gender identity).

For that reason, I thought it would be cool to try to collect some strategies for getting through the season in one piece (other than "move to mars and start a colony"). Two that I find helpful are not for dealing with the difficult people, but rather for making sure that you're finding ways to care for yourself in the midst of the stress. One is to plan to do some self-care, be that going for a hike with your dog, or watching your favorite movie, or knitting to de-compress. The other is to enlist your friends and other members of Team You. If you're in the same area as them, arrange to do things with them that get you out of the house. If you're traveling, stay in touch with them over text. It can help a lot to be able just to text or talk to people who are supportive.

What are your strategies for dealing with stressful folks over the holidays?

[ratperson]

I have a really stressed relationship with my bio-mom who comes around for holiday meals so I've come up with a fair few. First, my boyfriend is pretty much always at the gatherings with me, so he comes over early enough for us to get immersed in something like youtube videos or reading funny sites before she arrives so I'm somewhat distracted. I also have a pet rat who doesn't like her in the slightest so I'll get him out and since he doesn't like her (she smells like cats and he's terrified of them), she stays a distance away. When I do have to deal with her, we talk about things like her cats (she has two and since I'm a vet-tech-in-training I can discuss a good bit of health and behavioral things with her) and stay away from conversations about more personal things. If we get too stressed out, my parents usually step in and redirect the conversation. Unfortunately, despite knowing the strain in the relationship, my mom (the one who raised me) insists on forcing contact between us and refuses to let me do the 'silent treatment', which I think is a bit unfair (I end up nearly snapping at bio-mom for no reason and if she finds out I know I'm adopted, I'll never escape forced online/in person contact with her).

Overall: have close friends who understand the situation there, ask your parents/a trusted family member to help redirect conversation if it becomes uncomfortable, distract yourself with fun things/socializing with said close friends before the stressful person arrives, if you have a pet play around with them in a way that doesn't invite interaction from stressful person, talk about only completely neutral topics if you do have to deal with them.

[Sam W]

It's rapidly becoming that time again for many of us, so I thought it would be good to bring this thread back. Anybody have tips or strategies that they've found work?

[Mo]

Sometimes a way to avoid unpleasant situations or discussions can be to look for tasks that need to be done and use them as an excuse to take a break. Offering to do dishes/stir a pot/put up decorations/run to the store can help you get away from stressful moments without you necessarily having to telegraph that that's what you're doing.

[Sunshine]

Mo, once I tried that during a very large family gathering and ended up in a crowded kitchen with five aunts who had also hoped to use that as a place of retreat.

I am fortunate in that I don't dread meeting my closer family. I adore my parents, I like my in-laws and lots of my extended family is either dead now or lives so far away that we don't see them every year.

What I don't do well with though is large groups of people over a longer period of time. I need to be alone after a while. Most family members I can just tell this to their faces, like, "hey, it's nothing to do with you, but I would really like to take a walk alone / lie down in my room for an hour / answer some e-mails / other solitary activity". If I'm in a situation where I can't be this honest, I am not above faking a headache if all else fails. It's not so bad a lie because I know that if I don't withdraw soon enough, I will get a headache for real.

[Mo]

A nice side-benefit of finding a place to escape to can be that you learn which of your family members also need the escape! Sometimes that can result in a good family ally.