What is my risk? Please help

[celticswan]

I really hope that I'm putting this question on the right board. Basically, I'd never done anything sexual before meeting my current boyfriend, but he is very experienced. It's been a lot of fun learning with him, but I am terrified of getting pregnant and have stated as such to him many times.

Last night we were messing around and rubbing against each other. He had underwear on, but I did not and suddenly it felt different so I looked down and saw that his penis had slipped out of his boxers. I told him that I wasn't going to continue until he fixed this and he did, but I was still a little wary so I kept myself lifted off of him a bit. Then out of nowhere he grabs my hips and brings me down onto his hips and I flinched away because I could feel his penis somewhat inside me (like an inch at most) and he knew that I didn't want that. So I tried to move away but he pulled me down again and at the second time I just straight up rolled off of him and I noticed that his boxers had slipped off again! So his penis was inside of me (not the whole thing, but still) without any sort of protection! So I yelled at him and he apologized, but insisted that I did not have any risk of becoming pregnant because "even if there was pre-cum, he had peed more recently that he had ejaculated so there couldn't be any sperm in the pre-cum".

So now, I'm mildly freaking out and I don't know what to do. I would like to take a morning after pill, but I took one between a week to 2 weeks ago and I don't know if it's safe to take them that close together. (For full disclosure, when I took the first pill there was no risk of me becoming pregnant, I was just paranoid and had not yet found informative sites like this one that would have told me I had no pregnancy risk.)

So I guess, I have three questions: What is my risk of pregnancy? Is it safe to take a second morning after pill so soon after the first? And if I do take a second pill, how messed up is my period cycle likely to be?

Please and thank you!

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, celticswan.

So, before anything else, I'm feeling pretty concerned that it sounds like your boyfriend kept doing things to you without seeking your consent, and without getting your consent. Did you two talk about this after all of this, like by saying he needs to ask you, and you need to answer, before he does anything sexual to you? If not, do you need help having that kind of conversation, setting those limits, and establishing active consenting -- with words, on both your parts -- as something you two start doing as a given?

This isn't merely about pregnancy, so it doesn't matter if something someone didn't ask if they could do to you doesn't pose pregnancy risks (when, in fact, it doesn't). Consenting is about much more than that, and is needed even with activities which pose no pregnancy risks.

Suffice it to say, too, it's not up to your boyfriend to make executive decisions for you about what you're comfortable doing or not per pregnancy. Those are choices to actively make together, not for one person to make for the other.

Do I have it right that there was some intercourse or direct genital-to-genital contact here? If so, then yes, if you want to reduce pregnancy risks, I'd advise Plan B. It's okay to take it again, though we may want to talk about other, sounder options moving forward if you are finding you need to take it so often.

You also will want to get started with testing for STIs in the near future, to cover that end of the risks, if I have right what kind of contact occurred here.

We can't predict how Plan B will impact your cycles, alas. That's just not something anyone ever can.

[celticswan]

Most of the time, he is very careful about getting consent before he does anything, even if it's things we've done before. He's always been very careful to ask for permission or if he starts doing something I don't want immediately stopping when I ask him too. I think that's part of why last time shook me up so much. He'd never done anything like that before.

There was direct genital-to-genital contact, but I'm not sure if I'd call it intercourse; he did not ejaculate and he was only in me for like 5 seconds tops. And I definitely would like to have us do some sort of testing for STIs, but I'm not sure how to bring it up to him. So I would really like to take Plan B for my peace of mind, but I know that if I bring it up to him he'll just think I'm being silly. I don't know how I can express to him just how scary and important this is to me. I know that he has a lot more experience in this area than me, but isn't it worth taking the pill even if the risk of pregnancy is tiny just so that I can stop worrying myself out of my mind?

[Heather]

If his penis was inside your vagina, that is vaginal intercourse. How long that goes on or how deep the entry isn't really what defines that activity, but rather just the penis-inside-vagina. So, because that is the activity you did, the risks associated with it are the risks here.

I hear you saying he basically used withdrawal, and did so properly (he did not ejaculate), so that is one method of contraception, but if you do not feel comfortable only having used that one and want to back up with Plan B, you can do that, for sure. You also do not have to get his approval or acceptance or permission to do that. In fact, you don't even have to tell him you did, though if you don't feel you can and be supported, then I think that's a pretty big issue to take hard look at, you know? As the only person in this who can themselves become pregnant, you shouldn't have to lobby for support for what prevention you want and need, or defend yourself in wanting more.

Do you have any sense of why -- if I am getting this right -- he is not accepting or supporting YOUR concerns and feelings with this when he isn't the one at risk, and you are?

For that matter, because it may be related, did he tell you why he did not actively seek your consent this time? Was he clear in his apology that he would do his best to do better, and support whatever limits you want and need, even if and when he doesn't understand them, or they aren't the same as his? I guess what I'm asking is, in some way, why you feel he has to understand to accept your limits, since we don't have to get why someone has limits, or even agree, to still just accept them and respect them without argument or issue.

Can I also ask if you can tell me a little more about why you feel like you need a special way to bring up STI testing, rather than just asking to both do it very plainly? It is, after all, just basic, preventative sexual healthcare that, ideally, all sexually active people should be getting.

[celticswan]

I'm not entirely sure why he isn't as supporting about my concerns as I would like him to be. Every time I bring up pregnancy risks so say I don't want to do some particular sexual act because I worry about getting pregnant, he will agree not to do it, but I get the feeling that he just thinks I'm being ridiculous about the whole thing. I tried explaining to him that if I get pregnant, it's my life that's going to be the one most drastically changed and for that reason I think that my concerns should be listened to, but he gets all defense.

I have no idea why he did not seek consent this time, but he did apologize sincerely and promised that he would never do something like it again. Should i ask him about why this time was different?

I guess, about the STI testing, I just feel like I'm the one in the relationship who has no idea what they're doing in terms of sexual stuff, but he does. So if he thought it was important shouldn't he, as the person in the relationship who has had sexual relationships before, have brought it up? I don't want to not be taken seriously I guess. I know that I'm the one in this partnership with the least knowledge so I don't want to bring something up and seem ignorant.

[Heather]

Can I ask why you're choosing to be with someone who it sounds like doesn't take your serious stuff seriously? Or who you have to argue any of this with at all?

Can I also ask why you feel like because he has had sexual relationships before and you (if I have this right) have not, that he should somehow be "the leader," or automatically be making sound choices? Just like someone who has driven a car doesn't tell us they do so safely, or even competently, having been sexual with partners before doesn't mean someone knows how to do that well, is educated about sexual health, or knows more about any of this than someone else.

[celticswan]

I guess that I never really thought about it that way before. I want to be taken seriously and I want to feel like I'm being safe with my sexual practices. I think that I should probably have a serious talk with him about this.

Can I please ask for any advice on how to handle this conversation?

[Heather]

Sure, happy to help you with that. I just need a few more cues from you about what it is, more specifically, you feel like you need help with around that.

One thing I *think* I am hearing in your posts here is a sense that you don't feel like this guy's equal or peer, or that maybe you do, but he isn't treating you that way. In other words, it sounds to me like in some ways, this may not be a relationship that feels or is equitable, with both people in it recognizing they are different people with different life experiences, but that doesn't make either person lesser or greater, or give one person more authority than the other. Do I have that right?

If I do, is this something you feel can be remedied or repaired so that massively changes, and fast? because if not, I think this may be a pretty big barrier to some of this that may be insurmountable.

[celticswan]

I think that it may be mostly on my end that I don't feel his equal. I've known him for a while and he's dated a lot of really nice girls before me. And in all of his previously relationships, he'd had sex with them fairly early on. I'm the first girl that he's been with that he hasn't had sex with yet at this length of a relationship, unless of course you count last night which I don't want to think counts? I don't know. I really like him, but I worry that I'm not really what he's looking for in a relationship and he's going to realize that someday and leave.

I think if I could talk to him and explain myself clearly, then it can be repaired. As I've said, we've been friends for a while and he tends to listen well to both heartfelt pleas and reason.

[Heather]

Do you have a sense of if you don't feel like his equal because he doesn't treat you like one? Or if that's mostly something where you feel like, absolutely, he treats you like an equal (even though I'm seeing some things in this thread that suggest he's not seeming to do that, really), but you feel insecure per yourself?

Per the talk with him and being sure you explain yourself clearly, what are you looking to explain? What it looks to me like needs to happen is that some limits need to be set, and it needs to be stated that even if he doesn't agree with them, he needs to respect them and not argue with you about your whys in having them, or your right to have them, even if he doesn't get it.

is that something you feel able to do, and able to do with this person WITHOUT explaining? Or do you feel like in order for him to accept this stuff, you'd basically have to get him to agree with you and mount a defense for your limits and needs?

By the way, if at any point you want to talk about your feelings and thoughts about this "counting" as sex -- personally, one core part of defining anything as sex for someone is that it was their choice and something they were a real part of, not something like assault or coerced activity, but we all differ with these things -- we can do that, too.

But I do think that one big thing to bring to him coming from that that strikes me as very important is sharing that what happened was something you do not even feel comfortable calling sex because you did not get to make a choice: he made it for you. That is a very big problem (and I'll be real: my personal advice to anyone with someone who has shown them they will do sexual things to them without permission or will not just accept limits is to just get gone) and obviously everyone needs to be in agreement -- not just acceptance with this, but agreement -- that that is absolutely not okay, CANNOT happen and will not be tolerated.

[celticswan]

I feel, for the most part and barring last night, that he treats me like an equal. I'm a pretty insecure person and I know that and he tries his best to make me feel better about myself. The only thing that I feel he may not treat me equally in, is my opinions on pregnancy and birth control etc. He accepts my views, but as I said before I feel like he doesn't exactly respect them.

For the talk, I want to reiterate just how not okay last night was and restate the boundaries that I had put down early in the relationship. I would like to mention buying Plan B and getting STI tested too if possible. I would like it if I could get him to clearly state that he was going to respect he boundaries I've set up and respect my decisions regarding pregnancy and the like. I don't think that I would have to explain my views, but it would help. The first time that I set limits on what sexual activites we could do he accepted them without question or explanation.

[Heather]

I think I get it all.

I would personally say that it sounds to me like if you want to be taken seriously, and have him get he has to accept the limits you need -- or opt out of being with you if he doesn't want to -- it might be best to NOT defend or explain yourself, because that kind of sends a message that I think is the opposite one you want to send. When we treat people with respect and take their limits seriously, after all, we don't need explanations or for them to argue their case, you know?

So how about if we try working up some prep for just stating the limits you need, making clear he has to respect them, even if he doesn't agree with them or they aren't ones he needs, without you going into explanations?

I have to say, I have some pretty big reservations about anyone being sexual with someone else who doesn't respect what someone needs per their own safety and managing their own risks. So, that's another place where I feel like if that isn't there, sticking around is not a recipe for good things, and only choosing sexual partners who do is a very good rule of thumb. Just my two cents.

[celticswan]

I think I'm definitely going to stop all the sexual stuff until I've talked with him and gotten some clear answers about respecting my choices. And if something like last night happens again I think I'm going to have to end the relationship.

So for the prep, the limits I want to express are: no touching me in any sort of sexual way without asking, him asking me if he wants me to touch him in any sort of sexual way, at least one layer of clothing must remain between our genitals at all times, and no sex. I hope that these don't sound unreasonable and I want to mention that until last night he had followed these limits to the letter. So when I talk to him, I should just state these and then say that he doesn't have to agree with them, but if we are going to continue going out he is going to have to accept them?

[Heather]

How about something in this neighborhood as an opener for all of this:

"I need to have a talk with you about some limits I need to set and be assured will be respected, and what I want is for you to just hear them and let me know clearly they will just be respected by you, even if you don't get them. If you don't feel like you can or want to respect any of them, we can talk about that, but know that on the whole, if you just can't, then we'll just be at an impasse because these are hard limits. "

Then you say what those are -- and I would strongly advise you include regular STI testing for you both, and that you define what you mean by "sex" clearly -- and take it from there?

[celticswan]

I think I can do that.

I just got back from buying and taking the plan B pill, so hopefully my chances of getting pregnant are as close to 0 as possible.

Thank you so much for all your help and advice

[Karyn]

Glad you were able to get Plan B. I hope that conversation with your partner goes well - if you want to talk any more about it, before or after, obviously we're here.

[marissadelgado]

did you end up getting pregnant?