How to figure out what my boundaries are in a first relationship?

[Jay27]

I’ve been dating my partner for 7 months and we both came into the relationship with no sexual experiences besides kissing and neither of us had dated anyone before. We started having sex after 4 months of dating so it’s still very new. How can I tell what my boundaries are and what I like if I’m so inexperienced? I feel like I’ve had to figure it all out by trial and error.

[Nicole]

Hi Jay27,

This is a great question and we have a resource that I think you might benefit from using. Here's a link: Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist. Some of our users who have utilized this often fill it out with their partners, so that's an option as well. Please let me know if this is what you're looking for and if you have any questions!

[Jay27]

Thank you! I read from the list you linked and there are a few things that I know I really don’t want to try. But I don’t know how to handle the maybes. A recent example is that my girlfriend went down on me and it felt good physically but I don’t know if I was emotionally ready for that. Like I genuinely can’t tell if I’m ok with doing that again and it’s just irrational insecurities, or if I should keep that boundary.

[Michaela]

Hi Jay27,

I'm glad that resource was helpful for you to begin to understand what you are and are not comfortable with during sex. For your question about what to do with those things in the maybe category, those could be things that you might want to discuss with your partner further to see what their thoughts are about it, you can express what maybe interests you about it, but also what some worries you might have are. Then together you can decide if that is something you might want to try or not and then check in again to see if you want to do it again, change something, or if it didn't work for you.

Specifically, about your experience with oral sex, it sounds like you have done some reflecting and that right now there is something about it that might not feel right for you, even if you can't exactly put your finger on it. It sounds very reasonable to take a little more time to decide if you want to try it again and not to force yourself to do something that you don't feel certain you're ready for. In addition to the article that Sam linked above we have this article which can be a good resource to help you further decide what you do or do not feel comfortable doing and why: Ready or not?

[Jay27]

Thank you, I’ll check it out! It’s hard to determine what I’m actually not ready for vs what I want but just have a bit of anxiety I need to get over.