I had two meltdowns today

[Jay27]

I’m autistic and I have severe anxiety and I’ve been feeling awful today. I’m scared for an upcoming doctor appointment, I feel like I can’t get my work done, and I’m scared to go back to my parents house at the end of the month because they’re mean to me. I had a meltdown right after therapy, and then I had another one while my friend was helping me with dinner. It’s been so hard.

[Sam W]

Hi Jay27,

Ooof, that sounds like an incredibly rough day <3 Meltdowns can be so exhausting and stressful, and dealing with two in one day sounds extra intense and draining.

As an aside, if you ever want to talk about some strategies for dealing with the environment at your parents house (or help figuring out ways to not have to go back to it in the long term), that's absolutely something we can do.

[Jay27]

I’m still feeling bad right now. I ate breakfast and took my meds but I’m struggling to get out of bed. My parents are very critical of me and get angry when I show any emotions. I need to go back to their house for the medical appointments.

[Sam W]

Oof, I'm sorry you're still in a rough patch, though given how exhausting meltdowns can be, the fact you're struggling to get out of bed makes a lot of sense. Do you have any ability to do today on sort of "easy mode" or have the kind of day where you can get anything that absolutely 100% has to happen done and then focus on doing the things that help you feel calm and cared for?

I'm sorry your parents act that way, and I can see who having to go deal with them is stressful just to think about, let alone do. If it's helpful, we could talk about ways to maybe make those visits a little more bearable.

[Jay27]

I’ve showered and I’m eating a sandwich right now because I’ve barely had energy to make food. I also took my meds today. I’m falling really behind in my research job but I don’t think I can do work today. We could talk about how to make the month where I have to stay with my parents easier

[Sofi]

Hi Jay27, I hope it's okay if I jump in. I am also autistic and I can relate to the anxiety you're describing <3
It makes me glad to hear you were able to shower and take your meds and eat, even if just a sandwich - any food is better than no food! It's okay if you can't get any work done today. If you overwhelm yourself, you'll be able to get less done anyway, so taking a break and focusing on regulating your nervous system will be more beneficial in the long run. You can't get much done when you're experiencing burnout, so this is a time to take care of yourself. Take the night off and do something you enjoy or know makes you feel joy and/or relaxes you.

Regarding having to be at your parents' for a month, could you share a bit about what the issues are with them so we can give you the most informed advice? You mentioned they're mean to you, I'm so sorry to hear that. Do they tend to outright say mean things, or is it passive-agression? And have you talked to them about it before?

[Jay27]

I get criticized for very minor things like cutting my food a certain way or forgetting to open a door for someone, and my parents say no one will ever like me if I make mistakes. They care so much about the image of a perfect family. They are critical of the decisions I make about my health, saying that I don’t need therapy and my psych meds are bad for me, and that they should be the ones making decisions for me cause I make bad choices. I’m 21 and pretty independent but I’m still financially dependent and in college. I’ve been yelled at for crying and called annoying for my meltdowns. They never help me when I’m upset. I feel like I can’t show any emotions around them. I’ve tried to talk to them before, so many times, but it’s never caused them to change their behavior. My therapist says it’s probably not worth it and I need to ignore what they say and build my own self esteem.

[Latha]

Hi there, Jay27

That really does sound upsetting and exhausting, no wonder you're stressed! Your therapist is right that you shouldn't listen to the cruel things they say, but it's definitely not easy to tune that sort of thing out.

When I think about things you could do to make staying with your parents easier, two broad strategies come to mind: minimizing the amount of time you spend in their presence, and developing coping methods for when you do have to be around them.

How does that sound?

[Jay27]

That sounds good. But I don’t have any friends at home (all my friends are in college and most of them live far away) and I work on campus so idk what I’m gonna do.

[Carly]

Hey Jay -- I'm sorry to hear things haven't been feeling great. Something I want to point out is that minimizing the amount of time you spend at home doesn't have to be tied to being out with friends. What kinds of things do you like to do when you're alone?

The same goes for developing coping methods for having to be at home. Have you ever talked about this with your therapist?

[Jay27]

I’ve talked about it with my therapist before but we haven’t really come up with coping mechanisms. I have trouble doing stuff I like because of my depression but I read a lot.

[Sam W]

Ugh, it can be so frustrating when something like depression interferes with our ability to do the things that would actually help us feel better or get us through stressful moments.

As for what to do while you're staying with your parents, do you have the ability to arrange times when you're checking in with friends or doing things with them remotely so that you're still in contact with people who care about you and treat you with respect? Sometimes that can act as a counterbalance to your parents being so negative and unkind towards you.

If you've never checked out her work before, I also want to point you towards this column by Captain Awkward: https://captainawkward.com/2014/08/05/6 ... pressants/. A lot of her advice there, and what she describes in her own upbringing, echos some of what you've told us here, so you may find something in what she writes that you can use.

[Jay27]

I can FaceTime my college friends and maybe set up a virtual movie night or something. I also have some online friends I’ve met on Instagram and Discord who I message sometimes. That letter by Captain Awkward sounds extremely relatable to my experiences. One thing my parents do a lot is telling me I’m not a “real adult” and they’re still in control of my decisions, and that their criticism is “just giving advice.” Which is bs because I turned 21 a while ago and I’ve been living independently all summer.

[Sam W]

I think all those ideas for staying connected to your friends are great ones! And while I'm glad the Captain Awkward letter resonated with you, it really does suck that your parents treat you that way. One little trick I actually learned from Captain Awkward that can be helpful at times where you're stuck with family or other people who tend to talk down to or constantly criticize you is to silently add "you think" to the end of any critical statements they make; it acts as a reminder that the B.S they're saying isn't some deeply true fact about you, but rather a crappy opinion they hold.

(I'm assuming in our conversation that you've looked into other options for places to stay during this and they're not viable, but if I'm wrong and that's something you'd like help doing we can for sure talk about it).

[Jay27]

I don’t know if I can stay with anyone else. Maybe my grandma? But I think she’s gonna be traveling for most of August. I wanted to stay on campus to work the whole summer but I have a lot of medical appointments that are in my home state, 4 hour drive away from college. I only have one friend near me but her parents are also abusive.

[Nicole]

Hi Jay27,

I just caught up on this thread and I want to say that I am currently experiencing something really similar to you. I recently graduated from university and I'm back home with my family. Our lifestyles are completely incompatible and our relationship has been rocky for as long as I can remember. I love them, but they can be difficult to live with. Aside from working at Scarleteen, I spend a lot of time with friends to tune my home life out and get out of the house. Even if my friends aren't around, I go to the local Starbucks and chill there. Sometimes I even just go to the mall, walk around, and window shop. Recently, I've been going to the gym with a friend. I'm just throwing out some ideas here!

I think staying with your grandma is a great idea, and it's something I've been considering for myself, or just moving out on my own again. If your grandma will be traveling for most of August, it might help to ask if you can house-sit while she's away. What do you think about that?

Also, I know you mentioned you have a research job yet you're unable to stay on campus to work the whole summer. Are you able to get everything done remotely? In general, how is that going?

I hope any of this resonates with you. Take care!

[Jay27]

That’s a good idea. I’m not sure if my parents would be cool with me staying with her, and they also go over to her house a lot since it’s 1 mile away from theirs. But I could ask. I had to get a few articles from the archives but now that I have all my sources I can get it all done on my laptop. My grant only covers 8 weeks of housing on campus. I’m really struggling with the project. My depression is pretty bad and I’m using up a lot of my energy to just make sure I’m eating something and doing basic self care stuff. I’m very behind.

[Latha]

Hi Jay27,

I'm sorry depression is making things so difficult- I know how hard it can be. I want to assure you that you're not behind. Be patient with yourself, and take things step by step. If all you can do is eat and do basic self-care, that is enough. Nothing is more important than your health.

I think Nicole and Carly had good points about spending time outside the house. Do any of Nicole's suggestions sound viable? Could you spend time at a park or library?

[Jay27]

I could go out to a park or library. There are a lot of them near my parents’ house

[Latha]

So those are options you have- that's good!

So, to recap the strategies we've been considering-
Minimizing the time spent around your parents:

• Maybe staying at your grandmother's place

• Going to the park

• Going to the library

(Other ideas could be going to cafés/the mall/the gym as Nicole suggested, or going to local events.)

Coping skills:

• Arranging regular calls and movie nights with your friends from college

• Staying in contact with your friends online

• Adding 'you think' to your parents' judgemental statements, (at least in your mind) to remind yourself that those are (bad) opinions and not facts about you.

Does all this sound alright so far?

I wonder if you would like to try arranging meetups with that friend near you? She probably needs some respite as well.

You've mentioned you read a lot- do you think you could stockpile some books that you can read while you're there? Maybe some feel-good stories, to counteract the bad messages you receive from your parents. You could also watch movies or shows.

[Jay27]

It sounds good. Idk if my friend will be home that much because she’s preparing to study abroad. I could also find some books though. I don’t usually read lighthearted books so it might be hard to start.

[Sam W]

Maybe you and your friend could almost frame meeting up as a way of taking care of each other and reminding the other person to take breaks? Sometimes there can be a real benefit to saying "okay, we're both in the middle of some stressful stuff right now and could use an hour or two of getting coffee/ice cream/walking around the park/etc so we don't completely snap."

If you're wanting to dip your toe into some lighthearted reads, some of the tools in this new article of ours might help you do that: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexu ... ueer_media

[Jay27]

Thank you! One of the books I’ve been really into lately is the Heartstopper comics so I could try looking for fanfic.

[Sam W]

That sounds like a great starting place!