i feel so stupid

[naurmi008]

Hi! i feel so much better regarding my worries about this situation right now. but something else is bothering me. so my guy friend said some hurtful things when i confronted him, namely "maybe that's why u got ur pictures leaked u whore". and the pictures he's referring to are ones i sent to my teacher back then (the same one who groomed me..) and it made me remember something. my ex friend/bully -- the one that actually spread those pictures which i have prove of -- tried to gaslight me i think (?) she basically told me that all my friends are lying to me, that she would never ever talk bad about me, and that it was my boyfriend who spread my pics, not her. she proceeded to show me "proof" which was just a screenshot of my boyfriend's friends saying that he spread those pics and told me that it was my ex friend who did it because he was scared to get caught. to me, this just does not align because
1. my boyfriend never told me that she spread my pics, i heard it from multiple friends
2. my boyfriend confronted the people who accused him of this through chat when i was with him, and they all denied every accusing him of that.
i trust that my boyfriend would never spread my pictures or do anything to hurt me intentionally, but i still doubt him. i feel like a bad girlfriend for doubting him, but i can't help but feel scared when he's seen me at my most vulnerable and he could easily use it against me. i'm scared to be intimate and vulnerable with him emotionally (which may also be why i kept resorting to physical intimacy). i don't know how to trust him and i feel so bad for it

[Amanda B]

Hi naurmi008,

I'm so sorry for all of these experiences you're describing. If you haven't already, I'd recommend taking a few long, deep breaths.

It sounds like a lot of confusing, awful things have happened with people you've trusted in the past, therefore it makes sense to doubt trust in your boyfriend. I'm curious, how does your boyfriend interact with all of these people who have said and done hurtful things to you? Is he still friendly, or has he started to develop doubts about them as you have? Also, can you think of some friends who you do trust, who may be outside of this group of people? It may be helpful to take a break from this group of people and gain some outsider perspective. Does this sound like it would be helpful?

[Heather]

Naurmi: I agree with everything Amanda just said.

I also want to check in with you: it's been sounding more and more to me like some of your struggles may be so frequent and so reoccuring because you're going this largely on your own as a very young person. Are the parents/guardians or other trusted adults in your in-person life being there for you? Are you being honest with them about everything you have been going through, if so?

I just get the sense, more and more, that you're kind of drowning in all of this, a pretty common thing that can happen when you don't have help and support in your life from people outside your peer group. <3

[naurmi008]

Hi. Thank you for the advice and checking up on me!
My boyfriend despises my bully, he got super mad and confronted her and mentioned my lawyer. The next day, my bully came up to me and said all that stuff ("your friends are lying to you, your boyfriend was the one who did it, how could you believe your friends over me?" and all that good stuff) I've been avoiding her (and her friendgroup) for months but she kept bothering me saying how she never did anything. It's a bit hard to avoid her at all since she's an upperclassmen and her class is right next to mine. She's popular and is friends with most of my friends, they all seem to love her.
I read the "it hurts to see you with my perpetrator" and I related so much. A lot of my friends are like "I don't want to get involved, I can't cut her off because she's so popular". And it just made me think "Is she more valuable to you as a friend than I am?" it just made me sad. I only have 2 real friends at school right now.
My parents know about my bully situation. They're there for me, I mean they say "you don't have to be scared or worried, mom and dad will take care of this". But they also say some hurtful stuff like "if you didn't send those pictures to your teacher then she (my bully) wouldn't have any dirt on you in the first place", and I know it's true. It just still hurts sometimes

[naurmi008]

okay so for an update, the head of school called me to her office (i think the school's opening an investigation after my lawyer threatened to take legal action) and she kept saying "why do you trust your boyfriend and friends but not your bully? they might be lying to you" and i got really upset about this. all of this is making my feelings of confusion and doubt worsen. i want to take my thoughts out and just drain it, my brain feels so messy right now

[Nicole]

Hi naurmi008,

I just caught up on this thread and I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been going through. It sounds like it's difficult to see everything clearly right now. People are trying to sway you in different directions. From the looks of it, it seems like your bully may be manipulating you and trying to turn you against the people in your life. Of course, I don't know all the details on who actually did what, but everything she is saying sounds very manipulative.

Also, I'm really sorry about those friends who continue to be friends with your bully because of her popularity (despite her treating you terribly). That's completely unacceptable and unfortunately, I was in a similar situation when I was younger. From that experience, the best advice I can give is that those people are not worth your time. I think it's best to stick with those two real friends that you have. What's your relationship like with them?

I want to remind you that you know the facts and have the evidence that shows who did what. By any chance, did you mention that to the head of the school? Did you mention to her how your bully treats you? I just find it strange to see the head of the school siding with your bully unless she doesn't know what your bully did to you.

[naurmi008]

Hi. Thank you for that, it feel reassuring knowing someone also went through what i am going through, it makes me feel less alone.
I've been sticking with my two real friends, but i'm really afraid to let my other friends go. who do i eat lunch with? who do i talk to at school? i don't want to seem like a loser for having no one to hang out with..
My relationship with my two real friends are lovely. They helped me get through all of this and continues to stick with me even though people talk bad about them for doing so
And yes, I told my head of school about the evidence I have (which is basically screenshots and voice recordings of my friends telling me that she talked bad about me and stuff) and told her everything! but then she kept trying to force me to mention my friends' names (the ones who told me about my bully talking bad about me) and said "well your friends could be lying to you" she said "okay well this is from your perspective only and may not be true" which made me feel like my feelings were being invalidated - i know maybe she wants both sides of the story but still..tbh everything she says sounds very biased to me. i don't know why she'd acting so biased

[Heather]

It sounds to me like it's time for your parents to make good on saying they will help take care of this and have *them* come and deal with the head of the school. Can you ask them to do that?

[naurmi008]

hi, so my parents are gonna go meet the head of school soon i think. my lawyer's been advicing my parents not to meet up with the school personally (because they treated my parents with so much disrespect in the past).
today at school, i realized one of my close friends made her own circle (we're in different classes now) and i felt very left behind..i know she has her own life and i don't want to force her not to make new friends but i don't know, i feel lonely and sad too
another one of my friends jokingly said "aw you don't have friends, is that why you're glued to me and my friends?" and it just made me realized i don't really have anyone to hang out with. can you guys give me some advice on this?

[Sofi]

That's a crappy thing to say to a friend, I'm sorry they said that. You know, you'd be surprised at how many people, especially at your age but honestly at all ages, feel lonely and struggle with friendships. Even people who seem like they have plenty of friends can feel lonely. That being said, it's a very real and valid feeling. As far as advice on finding people to hang out with, how do you typically meet new people? It could be good to expand your ways of meeting people, such as outside of school at a club or group with a shared interest. Another option is to foster friendships with people you already know but aren't close to. Something that has helped me is being straight up and saying something like "hey, I would like to be friends, do you want to hang out sometime?" perhaps with an invite already, such as "do you want to join me to watch [x] play/movie/game" etc. so you already have a plan. People are generally reciprocal if you extend a friendship opening. Does that sound like something you'd want to try?