masturbation issues (mostly about fingering).

[elliohnnie]

hello,
i am a twenty years old afab and non binary person (hope i'm not too old for this forum, if i am i'm sorry) and i have been having some sexual struggles recently.

for about two months now i couldn't get myself aroused, i usually can quite easily and reach orgasm through clitoral stimulation, it feels really good and even great most of the time. i usually don't have struggles with this, yet since i have been using the same hands-free technique ever since i started masturbating, so about two and a half years ago, i have been wanting to try something new. doing the same thing for two years is quite tiring even if it feels good.
i have been thinking a lot about purchasing sex toys like a vibrator but with the little privacy i have, it will obviously be heard by others in the house so i forgot about this idea. i thought about a dildo, even if at this point i never felt anything inside. a little before these two months i thought a lot about penetration and having something inside me, so i did a whole lot of research on it and so for these two months i couldn't get aroused. i think i might have been too fixated on being penetrated, or not in the right moment of my cycle to be turned on, i was even a little grumpy so i didn't force masturbation.

although, yesterday night i made a big step and fingered myself for the first time, i was a little scared but with all the documentation i had (i searched how to insert a finger, how to self-lubricate properly since i don't have any lube, how to curl my finger inside, where is the g-spot and how it feels against the finger, even how to properly wash my hands to get rid of bacteria correctly), but i wasn't too anxious. i was able to fit my whole middle finger in yet it didn't feel really good, not really bad either, i could feel my finger but it wasn't painful while inside, pulling out felt stretching but nothing seriously painful. i took my time, used breathing exercises, different finger curling techniques and at some point it almost felt good but it stopped quickly, so i pulled out.
at first i was excited because it was the first time i masturbated this way but my excitment quickly turned into frustration, even with clitoral stimulation as i know most people can't come with penetration only. i thought since it was the first time ever doing it, maybe it would feel like this. however, even with all the content available on the internet, i couldn't find anything about fingering for the first time. i don't know if what i felt is actually normal and if i just need more practice or if fingers will never feel good. i'm quite scared to try again and that it would hurt this time (i don't really know why, since it didn't actually hurt the first time). this experience made me quite insecure about my body and i had panic attacks today because of this.

i was overthinking a lot, like what if i have an partner with a penis and penetration with them is painful?
what if they want to finger me and it starts to be painful too?
did it feel like this only because it was the first time?
will a dildo feel better, worse or the same? a lot of online resources talk about "my own preferences" but i can't know since i never felt a penis.

i think i made my body accustomed to come in only one way and it's hard to get rid of this habit, and i think i need a partner to help me do so but i never had any intimate experience so i'm also scared i won't be able to communicate with them. and when i say i never had any intimate experiences i really mean any, even holding hands, so it also feels really frustrating to not know anything about having a partner. i know i shouldn't rush myself but i know i am ready for this. i feel i have been waiting long enough, and that this is influencing the way i feel when i masturbate.

i'm confused about a lot of things and i really need help.
there are a lot of other questions on my mind but i can't ask them all here since there's really too many but these ones really are the most important at the moment, thanks in advance!

[Latha]

Hi there, Elliohnnie- welcome to the boards! Don't worry, you aren't too old for this forum.

There are a number of reasons why you could be struggling with your arousal all of a sudden- it can fluctuate during different periods of our lives, due to factors like hormones, stress, and medications. And a lot of feeing aroused is about our state of mind- feeling anxious, stressed, or frustrated can get in the way of staying relaxed and in the moment, and could be causing these difficulties.

But it isn't a bad idea to experiment with new ways of masturbating. If you'd like you can look through this article, which has a list of different ways you can masturbate, for some ideas.(You'll have to scroll a bit)

i was able to fit my whole middle finger in yet it didn't feel really good, not really bad either

This isn't unusual at all- you're right that vaginal stimulation on it's own often doesn't feel all that interesting. Could this be because it was your first time trying fingering? Yes, quite possibly- it can take some experimentation to figure out what feels good. Too, you could be having trouble feeling pleasure when you combine clitoral and vaginal stimulation for the same reason you're having difficulties feeling aroused from clitoral stimulation alone. Don't worry- plenty of people go through periods like this, it won't last forever.

It definitely isn't a foregone conclusion that penetration will be painful. As you said, it didn't hurt the first time, so that is a good reason to expect that it won't hurt next time. But also, taking your time, staying relaxed, preparing yourself, making sure you're aroused, and using lube are all things that can help make penetration, on your own or with a partner, more comfortable. So if penetration is ever painful, you can step back and try to work on these things.

will a dildo feel better, worse or the same? a lot of online resources talk about "my own preferences" but i can't know since i never felt a penis.

I wish I could give you a definite answer, but this is definitely one of those things that is different for different people, and something you need to experiment with to know.

What do you think of all this? I wanted to cover these things before discussing your concerns about relationships and communication.

P.S. I can see why you might be concerned about the noise of a vibrator. If you have your own space, I think playing music or white noise could conceal the sound.

[elliohnnie]

first, thank you latha for the warm welcome and for replying!

thanks a lot for reassuring me about fingering for the first time, i was very anxious today about this and started to feel insecure about not being able to be penetrated by something bigger than a single finger. i'll definitely purchase some lube in order to make it feel better as well! but maybe trying with the smallest dildo available could be good enough for a start as they're also cheap.

i read the article you sent and it was really helpful (i also read the one about diy sex toys, very helpful as well), i think i just need to experiment some more all around my body. just the sentence "treat you like you want your lover to treat you" in the post made me realize i've never took the time to think about what i wanted to be done to me, in fact what i was thinking of was what my potential partner would want to do to me, and it really changed something in my way of thinking.

to my mind, this really eased my insecurities about having to be penetrated and all. i am definitely going to try again with different techniques, maybe with two fingers this time just to see if i can, i liked the pride i felt to be able to fit my finger in and would love to feel this again.
and talking about vibrators, the rooms in my house are really close to one another and i have to keep my door unlocked, my family members come and go in here like i don't deserve privacy, so i have to wait until it's night time to take care of myself, yet they even call me out for literally typing at night so just a quiet toy like a dildo might just do the trick.

and to complete my rant about relationships i would like to add that jealousy might be a big factor as well. it can be tiring to see my friends in happy relationships (or one night stands for that matter) and to see them with a fulfilling sex life, i'm happy for them but i can't help wondering when's my turn.
also i'm a demisexual (i am also a trans, non-binary, neurodivergent person and well, it feels difficult to be able to attract people while not being a cishet neurotypical), i can't feel any sexual attraction towards someone i don't have romantic feelings for, so it's even harder to do something about wanting to be intimate with a partner when i can't feel romantic attraction/have trouble meeting new people- and even when i like them, being unable to communicate my feelings or just being plain rejected when i do. sometimes- yet mostly recently- these thoughts have been popping up while i was trying to masturbate and really turned me off, i would like to ease these as well. i know this is a harder topic to tackle but you've done a great job so far, so maybe you can help me with this.

[Latha]

I'm glad the articles were so helpful!

i never had any intimate experience so i'm also scared i won't be able to communicate with them.

Are there any specific situations that you're worried about? As I understand, communicating with a partner isn't all that different from communicating with other people in your life- the same principles often apply. There are certain pressures in romantic relationships that don't always exist elsewhere, but in all likelihood, it won't be entirely new territory.

it also feels really frustrating to not know anything about having a partner.

I can see how that would be frustrating, and perhaps a bit intimidating- but again, there may be some differences, but the skills needed in romantic relationships are not all that different from those needed in platonic ones. Too, every relationship is different, so there will always be a learning curve, both for you and for a more experienced partner. Don't feel like you can't make mistakes.

i know i shouldn't rush myself but i know i am ready for this.
i would like to add that jealousy might be a big factor as well. it can be tiring to see my friends in happy relationships (or one night stands for that matter) and to see them with a fulfilling sex life, i'm happy for them but i can't help wondering when's my turn.

If you think you're ready to start exploring relationships, I believe you! It won't happen immediately, but perhaps you can start keeping an eye out. Remember, it is never too late to start dating.

also i'm a demisexual (i am also a trans, non-binary, neurodivergent person and well, it feels difficult to be able to attract people while not being a cishet neurotypical)

None of those traits would be unattractive to the kind of people you would want in your life, I think- there are plenty of people who share these traits with you and would find them attractive.

i can't feel any sexual attraction towards someone i don't have romantic feelings for, so it's even harder to do something about wanting to be intimate with a partner when i can't feel romantic attraction/have trouble meeting new people

Ah, the infamous difficulties of dating while being demisexual. I wish there was a foolproof solution that I could offer you, but the only things I can recommend are being patient, being upfront about what you want from relationships, and being proactive about engaging with other people- not just in settings focused on dating, but in general- this increases the chance that you'll get to know someone that you like. (I know, easier said than done.)

when i like them, being unable to communicate my feelings or just being plain rejected when i do

Rejection is an inevitable part of dating, though it really can be disheartening. Try to remember that a rejection isn't a judgment about you as a person, but just the other person's assessment of your compatibility together. If I may ask, what do you think gets in the way when you try to communicate? Are there any specific fears or concerns?

these thoughts have been popping up while i was trying to masturbate and really turned me off, i would like to ease these as well.

Well, those thoughts would be a turnoff- it's important to stay in the moment and focus on how you're feeling to feel pleasure. Does what I've said reassure you, or put some of those concerns to rest?

i know this is a harder topic to tackle but you've done a great job so far, so maybe you can help me with this.

Glad I could help!

Here is another article that I think might be useful for you: Embracing Newbiehood: How to Approach Dating and Sex in Your 20s With Little or No Experience

[elliohnnie]

i read the article (again very helpful ♡) and what i think gets in the way when i'm trying to communicate might be a fear of being shamed for who i am and unfortunately i'm talking from experience here.

we never talk about sexual education around me, especially my family and i always felt like it was a shame to talk about my desires out loud and because of this bad education, thought that if my partner couldn't read in my mind it meant that we weren't meant to be together. no education on those topics or straight up misinformation mainly is the reason why i feel so scared of voicing my thoughts, because i was taught to be ashamed of my own sexual desires hearing relatives insult people who promoted a healthy sex life and masturbation, or made me believe that no sexual experience could be satisfying as they couldn't voice out their feelings.

i strongly believe the reason why i'm so scared to get in a relationship is because of my surroundings: i am mostly attracted to men/enby identifying people, unfortunately men around me are shaming me for being a part of the lgbtq, defending my rights and so on, just basic things like these and it interferes with how i view others. i am just constantly terrified of ending up with someone like this, so voicing out my feelings would be unthinkable as i would keep being shamed for wanting specific things.
i am also scared of not being able to provide what my partner would like, although i spend a lot of my free time reading about pleasing another person, it's really a block for me.

i'm not sure about this but if there are any ways to meet someone my age online (that is not through a dating site) i am willing to create an account, i've been alone for so long that i turned lonely in the end.

what you have said to me was pretty comforting, so thank you for taking the time to ease my worries ☆.

[Sam W]

Hi elliohnnie,

When you've been shamed for who you are or how you express yourself, that can absolutely make it all that much harder to open up about your desires or other things that feel intimate and vulnerable. It sounds like you're already working to unlearn some of the negative or narrow messages about sex that you got growing up, and if you want more resources on how to do that, that's certainly something we can help with.

Too, I can see how facing nastiness from men you encounter makes it harder to feel like you'll ever be safe getting into a relationship. I hear you saying that you're afraid you'll end up with a partner who's like those men, and that's a completely understandable thing to be afraid of. Do you feel like, somehow, you won't be able to tell a person is like that until you're already in a relationship with them?

When it comes to those worries about not being able to please a partner, it may help to remember that a BIG part of being in a mutually pleasurable relationship is being open to and comfortable with learning about and from each other, and being able to explore with each other. There's not a "right" way to do it beyond being willing to communicate. Does that make sense?

As far as meeting people your own age, can you give me a sense of what, if any, spaces you've tried to access already in order to do that? That way we're not recommending things you already know aren't a good fit for you.

[elliohnnie]

if you want more resources on how to do that, that's certainly something we can help with.

absolutely! more resources is always useful, i'll never know enough about a topic and since i am not fully off the hook, it sounds like a very good idea.

Do you feel like, somehow, you won't be able to tell a person is like that until you're already in a relationship with them?

to be honest, i was a very gullible person for a while, a person who would just see the good in people and forgive them for any bad action from them because of one good thing they've done, although i really worked on this a lot i'm scared my partner might be very good at hiding that they're not a person that matches me and want to use me.
it absolutely makes sense to me that i need to feel comfortable and that if these feelings aren't here then i shouldn't try to force it or anything and like i said, i've been working on it a lot.

As far as meeting people your own age, can you give me a sense of what, if any, spaces you've tried to access already in order to do that?

actually, i've never explored anything! since i don't know myself how to actually get to know others (and i'm lucky enough that i met my two best friends in school), i had and am still having a hard time meeting people even online because i don't know how to approach them without seeming too weird or even creepy. i can't get in someone else's mind so i have issues making the first step as well.

[Sam W]

Okay! Here are some resources to help with unlearning some of those messages you might have gotten:
Welcome to Impurity Culture (in case there was a faith element to some of this)
https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... xual_shame
https://www.scarleteen.com/article/poli ... xual_shame

As for meeting people your own age, a place I often recommend people start is figuring out if there are hobbies or activities they like to do, or have been curious about doing, that could bring them into contact with other people. Then to look for groups, meet-ups, or other places where they can do those things. That way, you're going into a social situation knowing you have at least one thing in common with the people who are there, which can really lessen some of that social anxiety in my experience.

I do want to say that with those fears about someone basically hiding that they're unkind or manipulative or things like that is a situation that can be really crummy to be in, but also wouldn't be your fault if it happened. We can certainly learn about red flags and healthy relationships and how to listen to a voice in our head that says "huh, something about this feels off," but at a certain point if someone chooses to hide their motives from us in order to get us into a relationship with them, that's on them, not on us, you know?