The way my friend talks about sex makes me uncomfortable. How do I bring this up?

[Jay27]

My friend and I are both in college. She’s bi and I’m lesbian. She’s only had one partner before, who was a cis man. She and her (now ex) boyfriend did everything but PIV intercourse. My friend said a few times that she’s “never had real sex” and that she’s a “technical virgin.”

I don’t know if I’m overreacting but that bothers me. My partner and I are both cis women so I feel really invalidated when people say that manual or oral sex isn’t “real.” I asked her “do you think I’m a virgin then?” And she just kind of laughed it off and changed the subject. Should I have a more serious conversation and tell her it makes me uncomfortable?

[Latha]

Hi there, Jay27

Oof, I understand how that would feel so invalidating- PIV intercourse definitely isn't the only real sex.

It is possible that your friend has some attachment to the idea of being a virgin that is keeping her from unpacking the implications of her words or properly considering how they make you feel. I'm just speculating, but, being a virgin or having a 'first time' can carry a special significance for some people. If she didn't feel fully satisfied with her ex, she might want to 'save' that for a future partner or, she may have internalized the idea that it is better to be a virgin. Ultimately, if she would prefer to think of herself as a virgin, that is not necessarily a bad thing. Virginity is a social construct, after all. But it isn't good of her to talk about her opinions on real sex as if they are general truths.

Should you speak to her about this? That depends. How do you think she will react- in your experience, is she usually open to making small changes?

If you want to have this conversation, try to approach it by discussing how it makes you feel when she talks about PIV intercourse like it is the only real kind of sex. Make a clear request of how she can change the language she uses on this subject. As usual with such conversations, choose to bring it up in an appropriate place, when both of you are relaxed and have the time to speak. You could give her some reassurance- you might say something about how you value your friendship with her, or how you understand that her intention was not to hurt you (if that feels right).

[Jay27]

Could I say something like:
“I know we think about the definition of sex differently and we’ve had different experiences, but I feel invalidated when you say that PIV is the only ‘real sex.’”

[Sam W]

I think that's a really succinct, respectful way to express that!