Anxious about sexual acivity?

[adip0se]

I was wondering if anyone could explain this for me. Every time I go to do a new sexual activity with my boyfriend, I always feel really anxious and I don't wanna do it, but I do REALLY want to do it. So, sometimes I force myself to do something, but then I feel fine afterwards. I don't feel like I'm rushing, I feel happy that i did it. No feelings of regret....so....Why do I get anxious if i want to do these things? How do i stop it?

[Heather]

Sounds to me like something is creating these feelings of conflict. How about we start with what you do want and do feel good about? Are you saying you feel both a physical and emotional desire to be sexual with him? If so, do you geel good about those feelings?

Those times you say you force yourself: why do you think you are doing that, instead of just letting yourself not do a thing when you do not feel totally right about it? And when you are feeling like you do not want to, so it feels to you like something you have to force, what are most of those "do not want to" feelings about?

[Sam W]

Hi adipose,

Edit: Cross posted with Heather.

A common reason why you might be feeling this way is that there is some component of sex that is making you anxious. That might be that you're worried about some physical risks (like STIs, or pregnancy) or you don't feel somehow ready or comfortable with what you're about to do (and that emotion can co-exist with desire in your mind, which can be confusing). And, sometimes, other things in your life can be making you anxious or stressed and those feelings can creep into other parts of your life. Does any of that sound applicable to you? Why, do you think, do you feel you need to "force" yourself to do sexual stuff that is making you anxious?

Too, the way to approach is to (if you're not already) talking with your partner about how you're feeling and see what the two of you can maybe do to make you feel more relaxed (whether that's sticking to certain activities that don't stress you or taking some time to unwind before doing anything sexual or something else).

[adip0se]

i talk to my boyfriend about it an he says that it's ok. I feel like I have to force myself because if I don't do it, then I'll keep making excuses about not doing it...sorta like....going on a roller coaster the first time or something.

[Heather]

The thing is, this isn't just the first time, and I'd say sex with people is a very different thing than a leisure ride.

We also know that with sex with others, there are usually good reason people feel like they don't want to or feel anxious about it, reasons sex isn't at all likely to just magic away, and trying to force it when you're not 100% feeling it makes it more likely for you to keep feeling conflicted, not less.

So, my best advice is that you stop doing that, and instead just give yourself some time and space to figure out where those anxious feelings are coming from, what they're about, and what you need in order to NOT feel at all conflicted, before engaging in sex with a partner again. Quite frankly, just ceasing to have sex you feel like you're forcing yourself into may, all by itself, be the problem, or at least part of it. Sex is supposed to be something we do only when we want to: when it's not, we are likely to feel conflicted about it, for good reason!

Any thoughts about any of that?

[adip0se]

I don't force myself into sex every time, it's just the first time I try something new, i get that anxious feeling, I feel fine every time i do the thing afterwards. haven't had sex yet, ut my boyfriend and I have been talking about it and that's why I came here.

[Heather]

Sorry, I'm feeling confused. In your initial post, you said, "I was wondering if anyone could explain this for me. Every time I go to do a new sexual activity with my boyfriend, I always feel really anxious and I don't wanna do it, but I do REALLY want to do it. So, sometimes I force myself to do something, but then I feel fine afterwards. I don't feel like I'm rushing, I feel happy that i did it. No feelings of regret....so....Why do I get anxious if i want to do these things? How do i stop it?"

So, seems like I misinterpreted some of that, and you're just saying you feel anxious when something is new, then when you try it, you don't. (If I am getting it right now, since now you're saying you haven't engaged in sex, so I may be confused again, since I thought this post was about kinds of sex you have been having together.)

If NOW I have it right, really, I'd say there's really no big whoop to even address here. It's okay, and pretty normal, for people to feel a little anxious when something is brand new or they are about to try something new. And as that feeling is often temporary, as it now is sounding like it is for you, it's usually not a big deal to feel that way momentarily, nor anything anyone needs to try and "fix." Most people can handle having brief feelings of anxiousness in life. So, unless you're saying you feel like you really can't handle those moments, then this isn't something you need to stop, just feel and let yourself feel and then move forward with what you know you want to do.