Am I really Ace?

[Sunreis]

Hello.

I’ve always considered myself ace and always contributed it to SA trauma from when I was younger, but now I’m starting to question things. I tend to masterbate a lot and often fantasize about having sex with my boyfriend during, but whenever I think about getting the courage to actually to do it, I immediately feel gross and guilty. I’m starting to wonder if I’m actually asexual or if I’m being held back by trauma that I need to work through.

I would appreciate any feedback.

[Sam W]

Hi Sunreis,

So, with the caveat that there are plenty of ace folks who are also survivors of sexual assault, I will say that it does sound like the assault and its fallout are playing a big role here; it sounds like you are interested in sex and experiencing sexual desire, but that when you think about or try to pursue it, trauma complicates the situation. Which could indicate that this is less about your sexual orientation being one in which you have no desire for sex, or no interest in acting on what desire you do have, and more about there being sexual trauma that you're still dealing with.

I say that for a few reasons. One is that you use the word "guilty" to describe how you feel when you think about actually pursuing sex, which suggests that there's a lot of shame tangled up with your feelings about yourself as a sexual being, which is something a lot of survivors struggle with (though it's by no means something only survivors face; we live in a pretty sex-negative culture overall).

The other is that you mention that you haven't had a chance to work through the trauma tied to the assault, which means that the degree to which it's influencing your feelings about sex is still kind of unknown. Would it be helpful to talk about some ways you could start getting the resources and support you need to begin healing?

[Sunreis]

I appreciate the reply and it helps a lot that someone thinks it could be the trauma too.

I do have a therapist that I can work through it with, it’s just been hard and painful to bring up. I don’t really feel shame over it anymore, now realizing it was never my fault, but it’s still difficult to talk about.

Thank you again!

[Sam W]

You're very welcome, I'm glad my reply was helpful!

It's great that you have a therapist you're working with, and I absolutely understand how something like assault can be painful or difficult to bring up in therapy, even if we have a pretty good relationship with our therapist overall. If it would be helpful, we could talk about some ways to broach that conversation and navigate that initial interaction around it.