How do you comfort yourself?

[Brave1]

There are times when life after abuse is filled with terror, even long after the source of terror is gone. Nights are often the worst.

How do you comfort yourself on those nights?

Here are the things I find comforting:

• Stuffed animals (even in your twenties, you aren't too old for someone to hold in the dark.)
• Audio books
• Puzzles
• Talking with a trusted friend
• Shooting rubber bands at a picture of my abuser.

But what about when those do not work?
Tonight I discovered that barricading myself with a pile of couch cushions makes me feel safe.

How do you get creative when nothing seems to comfort you?

[Heather]

I love this topic, and welcome to the boards, Brave1! Nice to have you here.

[Brave1]

Thanks! Hopefully it helps others.

[Heather]

Personally, getting creative has most often been exactly what I do that does me best when I am seeking comfort, especially if I'm dealing with any abuse/assault stuff. So, creative writing, making music, making visual art, baking or cooking in a creative way, etc. have all often been ways I can really let myself go and be open to what I'm feeling, but also move away from feeling unsafe, because I'm so absorbed in the creative process.

[Brave1]

I recently started weaving pot holders. The activity reminded me that my favorite project in art class was a tiny rug I made on a junky cardboard loom. I have ordered a wooden loom and am going to try it. I am so excited for it to come!

[Heather]

Those pot holders made out of loops on the small metal loom? I love those!

[Mo]

Brave1, I haven't woven anything in a long time but I rely on knitting quite a bit to help me relax when I need comforting, especially if it's an easy pattern that I can work on without thinking about it too much. Simple, repetitive knitting puts me in a bit of a trance state, sometimes, where I'm distracted from a lot of my worries but also not thinking too hard about what my hands are doing either.

Baking helps me too, especially if it's something like chocolate chip cookies that I know the recipe for by heart and can exert some energy in hand-stirring the dough.

This may not be as helpful at night, but sometimes I'll take what I call a sad-walk and explore nearby neighborhoods for things to take pictures of. The walking is kind of meditative the way knitting is, and I like having a bunch of pictures to reward myself with.

[Brave1]

Mo, I like the idea of a day-time sad-walk. Thanks for the tip. I may try it on a weekend, since that is when I am extra loathe to get out of bed and exercise.
Yes, Heather I mean the pot holders made with cotton loops. It is great since you can take the loom nearly anywhere. It seems to help me feel less claustrophobic. And yes, Mo, any craft that has a healthy, predictable, repetition is quite comforting.

[Emma]

I hula hoop (with a 3 lb hoop) and watch Studio Ghibli movies! Exercise without even half trying and movie time to boot.

[suburban_witch]

Dear Brave1,

Thanks so much for creating this thread!

Since I spend a lot of time on the computer, I find that watching videos of cute cats really helps when I'm in a mood. I also really like Jeffrey Marsh's Vine account; he has a lot of wonderful positive affirmations that make me feel better about myself. As far as doing actual things to my physical body, I find stretching for a few minutes helps release a lot of tension, putting lavender on my wrists and letting the smell soothe me, and drinking warm tea in winter helps (as well as spicy mac and cheese!).

Also, calling up a friend and asking them to say kind things about me helps, too!

[kristen22]

A really really fun way to distract yourself and do something creative is arm knitting! All you need is yarn, and there are YouTube tutorials for them that are very helpful! It's really time consuming and it requires your attention especially if you're new to it!

I've also created playlists on Spotify and on my iPod just for when I'm having trouble with flashbacks and stuff. Usually they're either really uplifting songs or songs without any words, so nothing is a trigger for me. Just doing anything that is time consuming and requires a lot of concentration helps! Even something as simple as cleaning haha!

[Kittens]

Hey there,

I don't have as many nights like these as I used to. The therapy I've gotten has really helped me with my PTSD related to abuse and taught me better ways to cope with it. Sometimes I want to try and cope in not very good ways, but these are some of the things I do instead:

I find that distracting things are really useful. Things like listening to music, cross-stitching, playing a game, reading a book, holding my snake, writing, drawing,etc.

Also, I like to do self-care things too like putting on lotion, taking a warm bubble bath, cuddling with an stuffie(or if my boyfriend is there, cuddling with him AND a stuffie), brushing my hair, painting my nails, etc.

Doing physical things like dancing or stretching can help shift my focus too. Especially dancing, because through dancing I can get a lot of my feelings out too.

My support system really is my savior in these situations though. Especially if nothing I do it helping to hold off a PTSD attack. Their kind words, gentle reminders that I'm here in the present and nothing like that will ever happen again, and, well, support is a big help. If I'm still at the point where distractions are helpful they can help me by talking to me and doing some distracting activities with me. I always need a distraction afterwards too though, if I have an attack. So it's really good if they're there to help me before, during, and after. Things like cuddling, relaxing, and watching a movie are helpful.

There are things I do to help myself during flashbacks but this question seems to be more geared towards comfort rather than coping with flashbacks I didn't really mention those. I hope this helps!

[Show Me Love]

Hello!! I'm new here, this is my first comment =)

Music comforts me a lot!! And I also have 3 stuffed animals, who are my kids (the only kids I ever plan on having, haha).

I'm interested in ways to cope with flashbacks, too!

[Kittens]

Hey!

Most of the things I do to help me with flashbacks are skills I learned in therapy. When you have a flashback, you can become completely unaware of the present world and can sometimes even think you feel/hear/taste/smell/see things that are a part of the past. For me I'll feel my abuser touching me, or sometimes hear his voice. Basically, flashbacks can often be a big sensory overload. Some of the things that helps me with that overload is, for each of the senses, try and find at least 5 sensations that I'm feeling in the present. (So let's say I'm in my room, and I'm focusing on sight. Over there I see my purple wall, I see my green shelf, I see a painting of a tree, I see my covers, and I see guitar). Some things like taste or smell may be harder, but that's alright. Focusing on the present moment in ways like this I've found are really helpful.

One of the most important things to do is to breathe. Take deep breathes in and out and focus on your breathe. While it may seem easy now, it can really be a hard thing do do when having a flashback, but it does really help put you back in the present. Also, you can try some meditation. Try focusing on each individual part of your body, and relaxing it. Bonus points for taking deep breaths for each body part you relax! Or even say a one-word mantra(basically a word that you're repeated a lot) with your breath, something simple and positive like "relax" or "happy".

Having someone with you and bringing you back to the present, or sitting with you while you ride out the wave of your flashback(as much as you may try and stop it, and can persist. Sometimes you just have to let it happen, because they work like waves, they'll build up and then reach their peak, but they will come down and you may feel burnt out but you will have made it through it. My therapist once told me that if you're constantly blocking them out, they'll just come back stronger the next time so it's important to deal with them sometimes). They can remind you where you're at and that nothing bad is happening to you at this moment. They can hold you, too, if that helps. For some people being help brings back more bad memories, but for some it really helps.

[Show Me Love]

Kittens, thank you very much for the answer. I think what I have might be not flashbacks, but just intrusive thoughts and memories. I'll talk to my therapist to learn more on this. Thanks for the tips! =D

[thinkmcflythink]

All of these things are great! I wish I would have known the tip about flashbacks because I used to get those. This might sound really strange, but for me working on school work really helps. Something that requires mental focus. I am a journalism major with a writing minor so that means that I usually get to write in some fashion, so that really helps! I also write freelance poems in my journal, instead of diary entries. I also really like using my more creative side and translating my emotions into characters in short stories.

I have found that with journal writing, I have a rule that I typically don't revisit whatever I write after I write it unless I want to. That way, you do no feel pressured to write anything in a certain way. It can be messy, written in five colors of pen, going all different directions.. whatever you want. Additionally, I LOVE running when I'm really upset or emotional. I've gotten a lot stronger over the past year and workout quite a bit so when I run, it feels like I'm flying. It's such a rush. Especially if you run to your favorite music, like I do. I'm known to bust out into random dance moves and leaps as well. It's always hilarious to see people stare when I do that.

Hopefully this helps someone!

[Thricechanged]

I write journal entries, run, do things that are physically exerting in order to shift my minds mind set. I do things that I know wouldn't have been tolerated, like dancing, jumping in the air, singing even though I am quite off key, listening to music that is comforting while wrapped in blankets, braid in complex patterns. I have a bracelet that has different pendants on it which have imprints that I press on, imagining what it is based on what I feel to help anchor to the more factual world of present times. Sometimes I doodle, put pen to paper and let whatever wants to flow go on to the page.

I focus on sensory objects, or even just comfort and softness, feeling the tassle I have had for years, the one my fingers have worn soft, the familiar smells that define safety, and so on.